Worst 100 Ways to be Circumcized
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Everybody knows that circumcision is a conspiracy organized by the Jews in 1926 in order to assimilate the Martian-Americans living in Brooklyn, but has anyone ever considered the worst possible ways one can have his wee-wee clipped? Most likely. But who cares? There can still be a comprehensive list.
- 110. Sticking your dick inside a toaster.
“When in doubt, C4.”
You're gonna lose more than your foreskin.
- 108. Humping a sword.
- 107. Oral sex with a Shark
- 106. Logging Accident
Chainsaws. 'Nuff said.
- 105. To Be Announced Once You Get Out of the Hospital
- 104. Humping a Can OPENER
- 103. Big Bird Giving You a B.J.
- 102. A Bird Mistaking it for a Worm
- 101. Getting it Caught in a Windowsill
- 100. Hungry Dogs
- 99. Humping a Guillotine
This applies mostly to extremely well-endowed individuals, who would actually be able to receive pleasure from tapping the neck-hole. if this happens to be your thing, have fun, be safe; wear a titanium condom.
- 98. Being stranded on a desert island with a bunch of other guys and running out of food, so you decide to cut off all of your foreskins and make a soup out of them
- 97. Being romantically involved with a typewriter
Take it from me. There are some pretty sharp edges on the interior of those things.
- 96. receiving a really, really bad papercut
You know, like if you cut the tip of your index finger on the edge of a page in a textbook? Like one with the glossy pages? Imagine that, but down there.
- 95. Your mohel was a grue
People, this is a no-brainer. but, considering most Uncyclopedia readers are braindead, I'll elaborate. See, when a grue sees anything (and I truly mean anything) it is compelled to eat it. Really, it's probably the best worst way to be circumcised, because you are instantly devoured by your mohel, and therefore do not have to live with the shame of having your schlong eaten by a refrigerator-shaped monster.
- 94. Having oral sex with that thing in the sand from Star Wars.
Well it has teeth.That are big and sharp.You'll probably lose a little more than your foreskin, too.
- 93. Getting it caught in the fan.
They spin reeeaaally fast.
- 92. Publicly
Need I say more?
- 91. Questioning Jack Bauer's patriotism.
You saw what he did to Curtis. Seriously.
- 90. Pleasuring yourself with a cheese grater.
We all know skin is for losers.
- 89. During a Job interview
Contrary to what you believe, its not that impressive.
- 88. A Pencil Sharpener
While it may make your next English essay a pleasurable experience, just think of the shavings....
- 87. William Tell
While he might've shot an apple, there is a smaller margin for error. As they say..."It's a fine line between pleasure and pain"
- 86. A vampire giving you head
If you are also a vampire, than you can blood slather, wince and repeat.
- 85. Piranha giving you head
Piranhas have never been good at understanding instructions... Mistakes have been made.
- 84. Getting wanked off by Edward Scissorhands
He is very gentle but sometimes accidents happen.
- 83. Tripping over in the bathroom and landing on a pair of scissors.
It's more common than you think.
- 82. Betting your foreskin on a horse race.
DON'T do this one, no matter how good the odds are. Trust me.
- 81. Using a mouse trap to pleasure yourself.
Hey don't act like you haven't thought of it!
- 80. Eating it.
- 79. In an alley way.
Do you really think that you will be able to find anything back there to stem the bleeding?
- 78. By jason the chainsaw wielding mohel.
- 77. In a naked bike accident.
they can get caught in the chains. it happens to nudists all the time...
- 76. Making a chopped salad
I always thought that the cutting board was too low...
- 75. Being chopped by a ROFLCOPTER
SOI SOI SOIS SOISISISISIISIII
- 74. Horrible Penis Pump accident
- 73. Sex with your mom
Your lucky you got out when you were born...
- 72. Fan-sex
Not the cooling fans either, the pokeymon fans!
- 71. Getting in-between a dog and its bone
You'll lose yours.
- 70. Slamming a door while naked
Especially bad if pointing they way out.
Just think about it.
- 68. Hot Dog eating contest
With all that weiner, it can get confusing.
- 67. Naked helicopter surfing
Extreme sports these days...
- 66. Buying a Russian prostitue
There are worse things then waking up without a kidney...
- 65. Zipping up in a hurry
Be like the tortise, slow and steady.
- 64. The obtaining of the answer to the age old question "If a train can flatten a 20cent coin/penny, what will it do to my wang?"
Results may vary, but are usually bad.
- 63. Blow Hole sex
Used mostly by deep sea divers, how sperm whales were named.
- 62. Loading a cannon when you've lost the staff
The cannon can be volatile at the best of times.
- 61. Visiting a drunken Rabbi
Peoples aim can be bad at the best of times, what if we add alcohol?
- 60. Oral sex with a Jack-o'-lantern
Not all Jack-o'-lanterns are as they seem
- 59. Servicing an engine
All innocent fun until the engine starts to service you.
- 58. Alien
Look at all of those teeth.
- 57. Having a devil's 3some with Wolverine and Lady Death Strike from the X-men
You should have realized those mutants stick those things out when they get excited
- 56. Asking a Drunken Sweeny Todd to shave your pubic hair
SO MUCH BLOOD!!!
- 55. Cuddling with a pissed off jaguar
"Come here Chuckles! Come here! Lemme cuddle wi-AAAAAAH!!!"
- 54. Disoriented war vet
I can't believe you fell for the "Hey! Kid! Check out what I can do with this knife I found in 'Nam!"
- 53. Jesus
While he has saved a lepper, this doesn't mean he's not going to screw with you.
- 52. Blow job from very nervous girl with braces
"Stop shaking Laura!"
- 51. Drinking too much beer and using one of the cans to pleasure your self
Those ring pulls really don't pull off too easily the second time.
- 50. Jigsaw
- 49.Eli Roth
That bigger bastard
- 48. Frat Parties
Frat Guy: "Hey Dude!" You: "Yeah?" Frat Guy: "Let's cut off each others foreskins!" You:"OK!" ...NO!
- 47. Glass Condoms
Yes, they do exist...Queens, man...just gotta look in the right places...
- 45. Experimenting
LSD, ecstasy...Peppermint shnopps...whatever
- 44. Your mom and her kitchen knives
Well...you love her anyways...not literally I hope
- 43. Jessica Alba
Don't be fooled by seeing her in a wet suit, she is dangerous!
- 42. Strumming a guitar with razor wire stings while drunk
It seemed like a good way to suck in your room-mate until you had one to many.
- 41. Challenging the Ozzman to a "bite-off"
And you thought he only bites the heads off of bats!
- 40. Trimming your pubes while drunk
Yes, I know you're just being fashion-concious, but there's a time and place for everything.
- 39. Trying to comb out your pubic lice while drunk
A lot of unfortunate things can happen when pubes and drunkeness meet.
- 38. Shaving while drunk.
Well, you can barely tell your arse from your elbow as it is, you worthless dumbass.
- 37. Using a blowtorch to sort out your pubic lice problem
Yes, people do get that desperate. You'll lose a lot more than your foreskin, really.
- 36. Wild sex in a glass house
Accidents can happen if she flails about too much...
- 35. Your condom has a grue living in it
Seriously, watch yourself. They can live anywhere as long as it's dark.
- 34. Your condom has Oprah living in it
Yeah, she's been getting pretty desperate lately...
- 33. In the shower in prison
Those psychopathic convicts have a lot of crude methods.
- 32. Vandalising Uncyclopedia once too often
Those admins can think of some of the worst punishments.
- 31. Vandalising Wikipedia once too often
Yeah, this one's worse. The chaps at Wikipedia tend to be a tad more unstable. Believing you know everything does that to people.
- 30. Falling asleep in Neverland as a child
- 29. Stealing Chuck Norris' hat
He's not stopping at the foreskin.
- 28. With a wildly swung golf club
Why do you think they yell "Fore skin"?
- 27. As a baby, without anasthetic
And it took us to #27 to state the obvious.
- 26. Nude swimming in the Amazon
- 25. Nude swimming in the Nile
- 24. Nude swimming in Iraq
Arabs, OH MAN!!
- 23. Streaking in a scissor factory
Need I say more?
- 22. Dipping it in acid
- 21. A pill splitter
You really think everything can be turned into medicine, do you? You'll lose a bit more than your foreskin
- 20. Volunteering as an assistant for a very bad amateur knife-thrower.
OK so everyone's gotta practice sometime, just make sure you're not the poor sap who gets the chop as a result of his desire to entertain.
- 19. Arguing with your local butcher
They've got BIG knives, OK?? Whatever your complaint is, just let it go.
- 18. Betting your foreskin in a game of Poker
OK so you've already lost your house and you've got nothing left to gamble with, or have you?! Please don't even think about it because more often than not your opponents won't have any sympathy for your squeals of 'No, please!!! I didn't actually mean it!!!'
- 17. Having the tremendous misfortune of having a 'hairy helmet'
Use the hair loss creams for god sake, Gillete Mach 3's are not the way to go.
- 16. Overenthusiastic Prostitute
Do you want me to spell this out for you? Fine. She is giving you oral sex, and accidentally rips off your foreskin. No tip for you! (see also number 52, and a doctor)
- 15. Vengeful Prostitute
Like 16, but with much less accidental, and much more no tip.
- 14. Bicycle Chain and Sprocket
- 13 Pissing off extreme Turner
- 12 Those rubber bands they use for sheep
Just because the sheep don't appear to be in pain doesn't mean it wont hurt.
- 11. Fucking that chick from the movie Teeth
- 10. Frostbite
It's four below and your shoveling that driveway when you fell a small flap of skin jiggling around in there.
- 9. Shotgun
- 8. The pigeons got to it
Your sitting there, naked, in a park...
- 7. a robbery
"They took everything! even my tip!"
- 6. The circumcision gnomes
"Johnny, if you don't go to bed right now the circumcision gnomes will come and circumcise you! I heard they don't use anesthetic!"
- 5. Satan
The devil went down to Georgia He was lookin' for a tip to steal He was in a bind 'Cause he was just circumcised And he was willin' to make a deal.
- 4. A Feminist
- 3. Hungry Lesbians
They dont care about your pain, they've already got a girlfriend
- 2. Rugburn!
So big cousin charlie comes over and wrestles naked with you and well...you know, the competition gets pretty fierce.
- 1. Circumcision