Worst 100 Ways to Win an Argument

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“What? Just 94? Who wrote this page?”

~ Oscar Wilde on winning an argument

“And on the 159th day the Lord said: "Thou shalt win the argument, for thou art Texan"”

~ The Bible on winning an argument

FBI

Note: The Lord actually doesn't really care.

The basic rule for winning an argument can be boiled down to this: you're more likely to win an argument if you have a strong command of the facts, a good understanding of logic, the ability to express your point of view clearly and concisely and talking about it like men, with guns.

Contents 1 999999999999 through 100 2 99 through 91 3 90 through 81 4 80 through 71 5 70 through 61 6 60 through 51 7 50 through 41 8 40 through 31 9 30 through 21 10 20 through 11 11 10 through 1 12 0 through negative infinity

[edit] 999999999999 through 100

999 999 999 999.1 Do a Smelly fart and wait for them to run away!!!

999 999 999 999. Say "Look behind you!" - then run

9010. Get an independent judge to decide who's the winner. Then blackmail the judge.

9009. Say "That's it, I'm calling the cops."

9008. Use the Adam West method.

"Good thing you're just a fragment of my imagination."

9007. Use the Ali-G method.

"That's not a very nice way to talk about your mom." or "Talking about yourself again?" or "You sucked off a horse!".

9006. "Do I know you?"

9005. "I still think you should put on pants."

9004. "Go on..."

9002. call them gay then walk away.

9001. Tell them about your power level.

1234. Perform reenactments of the movie SAW upon them.

2026. Hand them a gift-wrapped box with an aggravated, poisonous snake inside. Beckon them to open.

1344. "YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!!!!"

1343. Rape/Surprise Butt-Sex.

1343. I win, no, no, no, I won.

1343. Stop fucking with me Elton John isn't gay

1342. you dropped something..... your FACE hahaha

1341. I will strike down on you with great vengeance, against those who attempt to corrupt and poison my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. then call samuel jackson

1340. Yeh well. I had your mother

1339. 0MG N00B

1338. Say, "Oh yeah? Well YOU'RE STUPID!" or "At least I'm not stupid"

1337. UR 4 1053R!

1336. If you're on the internet, tell them they can't read or say their English is poor.

1335. Bare your fangs at them

1334. Sue their ass off!

983. "Well, at least I'm not into coprophagia."

667. Tell your opponent that you're right/their wrong "Because I said so"

666

Become Satan.

665. Kill all blasphemers who say "Because I said so" for their presumptuous affront to reason

Pi. Poop AND piss your pants on the spot. Winnar!

652. Ban them from your IRC channel

300. "THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!!"

0mg. "OMFG! Look a distraction!"

105. "Your not coming to my birthday party"

104. Bigger/Smaller than yours.

103. At least I have one.

102. I'm right. You're wrong. DEAL.

101. Try to back up your arguments with facts from third sources

"Oh ya, well last night at my Aryan White Brotherhood meeting, they told me a different story. . . BITCH"

100. Always reply with "OK" or "sure".

[edit] 99 through 91

99. Video tape their side of the argument, mail it to MST3K

98. "You're not making any sense!"

97. "Go back to the kitchen!"

96. Use ebonics.

"YOU LIE BITCH!"

95. 25 pounds of C- 4. Nuff said.

94. Quote Oscar Wilde.

975. Tell them your dad can beat up their dad.

94.5. End every statement with "QED".

93. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.

92. "I'm in your washing machine, stealing all your Bubbles!"

91. Remind them of an embarrassing event.

[edit] 90 through 81

90. Leave to sharpen your knives and clean your guns.

89. Threaten to kill their family, family pet thingy or them.

88. Sell them to Jigsaw.

87. Put your fingers in your ears and start singing the "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA"

86. Start making gay advances.

85. Say "Yeah well your mom..." and improvise from that point.

84. "Takes one to know one!"

83 and a half. cheesecake

83. Scream "fascist baby-eating killer" at them so loud your spit soaks their face.

82. Just yell "bullshit" every time they state a fact.

81. Defecate on them.

[edit] 80 through 71

80. Quote a non-existent bible verse.

"And the LORD said unto Moses, 'The highest praise unto me is when a husband does know together his wife and another woman at the same time, and woe is to the wife who refuses this.'" -Deuteronomy (37:3-4) (If you don't get this, see To Know)

79. Use the good old fashioned northern tactic of saying “bollocks” after everything they say.

If this continues for more than two minutes inform them that you have a brick.

78. Switch language.

77. Use a song lyric

"The problem's plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanized. So you see, taking out Terri Shiavo's feeding tube was the right thing to do"

76. "WANT 2 C MY POKEMONS?!?"

75. Reply to everything they say with, "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" Example - "Your face is ugly." ... "FOR ME TO POOP ON"

74. "Screw you guys... I'm going home."

73. "No No NO! Yoump Yaw, Me Yaw!"

72. Scream "Now I wont give YOU the antidote!!!"

71. Call in your Mother.

[edit] 70 through 61

70. Blame it on FEMA, " The reason Evolution doesn't exist is FEMA didn't handle Hurricane Katrina well."

69. Say their spouse/girlfriend is pregnant.

68. Say something along the lines of "Well, isn't that Ironic?" or "That's totally irrelevant." completely out of context.

67. The Keith Olbermann Method

Say: "I'm pretty sure Hitler said something just like that..." or "That sounds an awful lot like something Hitler might say..."

66. The Lindsay Lohan Method

Say: "I'm going to drown you in my own vomit if you don't shut the hell up..."

65. Throw a tantrum 

Hey, it works for toddlers and women.

64. Perform un-anesthetisized open heart surgery.

LOL they have to watch it!

63. Fake a massive heart attack 

Go for their sympathy.

62. Challenge them to a duel at sunrise, that's how Alexander Hamilton died. However, most people won't consider the argument worth gambling their life on, and besides it's such a pain getting up that early.

61. The Monty Python Method 

"No it isn't." "Yes it is." "No it isn't."

[edit] 60 through 51

60. "That's what She said"

59. Double Barrel Middle Finger Scream "Boo-YAH!".

58. Call in a DJ, Try to change the argument into a freestyle battle rap.

57. Quivering lower lip.

56. Claim that life is an illusion, reality is subjective and we're just an interpretation of ourselves then counter every argument with "Sure, that how YOU perceive it."

55. Hit opponent on the head with a hammer in an attempt to cause amnesia.

54. Attempt the old duck season!/rabbit season! trick.

53 Pull out your cellphone and tell your opponent it's a bullshit detector. Make beeping sounds with your mouth as you wave it near him/her.

52. Do a Barrel Roll! (Works best if in a boat.)

51. The Joe McCarthy gambit

Tell them you have an incontrovertible counter-argument on a piece of paper in the sealed envelope in your hand. Do not show the the contents of the envelope.

[edit] 50 through 41

50. Say "So BASICALLY you agree with me." in reply to anything they say, no matter what.

49. If you start to lose bring up the genocide in Darfur. Example "You may have a point, but doesn't it just seem petty when you consider all that genocide in Darfur."

48. Bring up your opponents propensity of prevarication, followed by the flammability of his or her trousers.

47. Use koans. Claim that by not arguing you have already won.

46. Completely change the subject.

45. Activate a loud gameshow buzzer every time your opponent makes a point. Use The Price is Right's waat-waaaaaah noise if necessary.

44. Reveal that you're Ghandi,Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King so that your opponent feels like a dickweed for starting an argument with Ghandi, Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King.

43. Ask "Why?" every time he/she ends a sentence.

42. Say "Yeah? Well where'd you get your clothes, the Toilet Store?"

41. USE ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME!

[edit] 40 through 31

40. Insert Crazy Frog noises into your argument to drive your opponent insane.

Ziiiingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding!!!

39. Call Shenanigans

"Thats it you've brought this upon yourself, I'm calling shenanigans on you!"

38. Hold your breath

Tell them you'll hold your breath until they admit your right or you die. They'll feel sorry when your dead.

37. Internet postings

Threaten to post naked pictures of them, their family member(s), their pet(s), or yourself (whichever is the most frightening).

36. Say "Yeah? Well FUCK YOU!"

35. Kill your opponent's parents and grind them into chili

Hey, it worked for Cartman!

34. Mention their dead grandmother (or other deceased relative). The next time you argue with your opponent, they will hurt you. Really badly.

33. Say that Congress suports your argument

Global warming exists because Nancy Pelosi says global warning exists. And you don't want to disagree with Nancy Pelosi, do you?

32. Summon Chuck Norris

[edit] 30 through 21

30. Blame the Republicans.

29. Stare into the distance and say "This brings back memories of my dark times" then refuse to say anything else

28. The Rosie O'Donnell Method

Eat your opponent.

27. TIMMAY!

26. Accuse your opponent of being a queer-o-sexual.

25. Say "At least I have a penis." Doesn't work well with either gender.

24. Transform into Jack Bauer.

23. Sue them or threaten to.

22. Blame President Obama.

21. Take over the world. Then your opponent has to agree with you, whether they like it or not.

[edit] 20 through 11

20. Blame Satan 

Could it be.. SATAN?

19. Pretend to find something on Wikipedia.

That site is SO easy to edit.

18. Claim to have grossly accusing evidence against them personally..... 

...when you really don't.

17. Call the KGB 

In Soviet Russia, Night disappears in YOU!!

16. Bring in the guards 

"Seize him!"

15. Charge them with treason and falsify circumstantial evidence 

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

14. Blame it on the conservatives 

It's all their fault!

13. Blame it on the Communists 

Freakin' Commies!

12. Blame it on the El Nino 

Works best if you really mean PMS.

11. Quote (or create) a random statistic 

Did you know that 99.9% of the time, people will believe you if you have a statistic to back you up?

[edit] 10 through 1

10. Plaster an embarrassing secret about them all over Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News

9 Bill has AIDS!!!

8. Violence solves everything!

Slap them with a frying pan, sledgehammer or rusty ax!

7. "DO NOT WANT!!!!"

6. a. Do Something b. ??? c. Profit!

5. Quote the sixth day, when the lord said

"Don't even muthafuckin' think about it... Bitch."

4. Choke them with the Force.

3.141592653. Tell them about how Pie is a lie, and Cake is the truth.

3. "At least I have chicken."

2. Hire Ninjas, Pirates, or Ninja-Pirates.

1. Crucify them.

[edit] 0 through negative infinity

0. Admit you've lost the argument then say, "Yea, but I am consoled by the fact that..."

"...I slept with your girlfriend..." (grin then look like you just remembered something) "...when we were alone with your sister..." (Pause and look like you'd feel guilty if you didn't apologize) "...while your mom was watching...and she was actually impressed."

When you've done all this, your opponent will attack you at which point you can kill him in self-defense.

-0. Divide by zero.

-1. The Russian Reversal. In Soviet Russia your sister fucked YOU!!

-2. "I'm more Jesus than you!!!!"

-3. cos i win

-3.14 Recite pi

-4. If you don't agree with me you're a terrorist

-5. By using all of these arguments at once, and seeing them yell "Ahh I give up!!!"

-6. Say "Oh my God, a piano falling from the sky is about to hit you", then a) wait till they look up then punch them or, b)Wait for them to say "i'm not falling for that!" then watch the piano kill them.

-7 "If you strike me down I will become more powerful then you can possibly immagine!"

-8. Say, "Okay, we'll flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose."

-9. Say, "I win because the Bible says so. Seriously. Leviticus, 18 17. 'And the Lord will come down to Philadelphia and make sure that the Phillies win thy World Series'. I win!"

-10. Force them to listen to the Jonas Brothers until they agree with you.

-11. Become a woman. They are NEVER wrong! How do we beat them??? ~ Preferably with a shovel or a plastic spork from Taco Bell.

-12. "You betrayed Shiva! You Shiva tay! This one's got tay oh! Non Shiva kay! THIS ONE'S GOT TAY OH!"

-13. The Christian Bale rant.

Fucking amateur.

-14. Go on "Springer" and beat the shit out of your opponent.

Really ineffective if you're a transvestite, fat, or enjoy watching "Green Acres" reruns on TV Land.

-15. Rasie the roof and alert snoop dogg.

-16. State that they just lost the game.

Of course, this means that you also lost the game. By the way, you just lost the game.

-17. Throw a running lawnmower at them, they usually get the point then and take you seriously.

-18. Have Captain Planet come busting through your ceiling screaming "CAPTAIIIIIN PLANNNNNNETTTT!!!"

-19. Nuclear Bomb. Nuff Said.

-20. Throw a Koala bear at them and yell "Heretic!"

-21. Burn down their house. (Note

This does not go over well if you live in the same house as person you're arguing with.)

-22. Pour an urn full of hearty Yak's blood on them. Yumm...Yak's blood.

-23. Rape them.

-24. Rape them again. This kind of psychological trauma with fuck their heads up good.

-25. Whip your penis out and start doing propeller-like motions with it.

-26. Yell

"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" at the top of your lungs.