Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News
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“I have nothing to declare except that your daughter got hit by a bus.”
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* ways to deliver bad news. If you have to tell someone you crashed his car, killed his dog or fucked his mom, don't use any of these methods (or at least start at the top).
* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.
- 115. Misfortune cookie
- 114. Create a sandwich
- I think I'll have the Paul Fields Memorial BLT
- 113. Tatoo it in your fingers
- | Y | O | U | L | | L | D | I | E |
- 112. Thru Radio
- Jason Mann would like to send a big hug to his friend Bill Lavender and tell him his son got eaten by an elephant! *elephant noise*
- 111. Hold a parade
- The First Annual Macy's You Have Testicular Cancer Day Parade.
- 110. Scrabble
Simply insert some subtle hints into a friendly game of Scrabble.
- 109. In poetry
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- I have V.D.
- And now you do too.
- 108. Trust in the Bible.
- I am glad to inform you that the court has found a suitable resolution to your long-standing child custody dispute. This court has consulted the timeless wisdom of King Solomon and on the basis of the doctrine of stare decisis has decided to simply chop the child in half.
- 107. Name a new species
- "And we will call this dinosaur the Billsmomhascancersaurus Rex."
- 106. During the holidays
- Give them a big present with a fancy red ribbon for Christmas and tell them that it's a surprise. Then, when they open it, it will be a child-sized coffin with a note that says "This is for Billy. He has late-stage leukemia. If he doesn't die (not fucking likely) he can turn it into a soapbox derby car or something. Cheers. Your family physician."
- 105. Nominate them for the Having AIDS Hall of Fame or start sewing their panel for the AIDS quilt
- 104. Paper, rock, cancer.
- 101. Tell them in a meeting
- "Stand up everyone whose father doesn't have prostate cancer. Sit down, Bill."
- 100. Russian Reversal Joke
- "Hey Billy, in Soviet Russia, a plane crash died in your parents!"
- 99. Good news/Bad news
- "Miss Hamilton? We have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that Detective Taylor over there has just got engaged. Congratulations again, Chip! The bad news is your son's dead." One variant on this is duplicating those Geico commercials. Please, people TRY and be more creative!
- 98. Use a festive occasion to soften the blow
- "Merry Christmas, Mr. Richards! You have an inoperable tumor."
- 97. Try to throw them off
- "I have some positive news for you, Miss Wilson. HIV-positive, that is!"
- 96. "Wag the dog"
- "By the way, Bob, I've been sleeping with your wife for two years." *shoot the television*
- 95. Use a foreign language
- Deliver it to them in a crazy foreign language like French and then teach them just enough of that language to make them understand what you said.
- 94. Deliver the bad news in a chat room or through IM
- "OMGWTF!!!11 its malignant0rz!"
- 93. Zork narrator
|Bad news!||Score: -1||Moves: 13|
You have been eaten by a grue.
Oh, and by the way, your spouse just got run over by a freight train. Isn't that great?
- 92. Use Bongo drums played in morse code
- this is actually so silly they may laugh when they hear their son had syphilis and had to have his head amputated. I know I did!
- 91. Make up something even worse to make them relieved when you tell the truth
- "All our kids died in a playground shooting! I'm kidding, it was just little Annie."
- 90. Play it as an April Fool's joke
- "I burned down your house. April fools! It was actually the Russian mob."
- 89. Distract them with physical pain
- *punch in the face* You only have two weeks to live!
- 88. Use a Rebus
- 87. Use a knock knock joke
- "Knock knock"
"Yule have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of your life."
- 85. Skywriting
- Have "Your baby has died" written in 40 foot high letters of red smoke above the town where they live. Don't forget to include their names.
- 84. Take out a two-page ad in the New York Times
- 83. Make them feel guilty to take the blame off yourself
- "I'm sorry Billy, we couldn't save your mother. God has taken her up to heaven. I guess you just didn't love her enough."
- 82. Make a page about it on Wikipedia
- Hey, anyone can edit it, and there probably isn't an article entitled "I killed your baby"
- 81. Make a page about it on Uncyclopedia
- Create a Worst 100 list; entitle it "Worst 100 Diseases your wife could have"
- Note: all 100 entries are "Endometrial Cancer"
- 80. Using You have two cows
- "You have two cows. First you have to visit your mom in the hospital, and then you have your wife."
- 77. Use a Metaphor
- "So the evil trolls from the land of Leukaemia traveled through the red rivers of Circulus, and the Grand Wizard Immuno was powerless to stop them."
- 76. Killing them
- "Just wait till you see who's waiting for ya at the pearly gates!"
- 75. Make them guess
- Give them a hint every now and then to keep it going.
- 74. Soften the blow with a present
- "Your house has burnt down with your children in it. Here, I got you an iPod."
- "Hi honey, I'm home. I just got back from the high street where I bought some fine fresh flowers for your gravesite. Oh, by the way, Doctor Smedley called and said there was something he needed to tell you..."
- 73. Make Lance Armstrong tell them
- "huff huff huff huff huff... uh so huff huff yeah, your huff huff huff son died."
- 72. Cockney Rhyming Slang
- Versatile for any occasion -
- "Do you have a knife?" - "I am shagging your wife"
- "My name is Bob" - "I am afraid you have penile cancer and I will have to operate"
- 71. Distract them with sheer panic
- Lock them in a room with a starving, rabid polar bear and shout the bad news through the key hole.
- 68. Point out irony to lighten the mood
- "And the cause of the fire that killed your parents was a short in a smoke alarm. A smoke alarm that you installed. Ironic, isn't it?"
- 67. Charge money for every bit of information
- Might as well make some cash out of it.
- "It has to do with your mother."
- "What does? Just tell me."
- "You know the rules. Ten bucks, or no new information"
- "Ok, here!"
- "Thank you. It's something bad."
- "Oh for fuck's sake! Just tell me already."
- "We'll get there eventually. Would you like to continue?"
- "Jesus Christ! Here."
- "It happened this afternoon."
- 66. Charades
- 64. Get a Parrot to say it
- 63. Save it for when you're losing an argument
- "Oh Yeah? Well... Well.... You've got lung cancer!"
- 62. Spam them
- They get home, open their inbox and find spam about lung cancer. They talk about it the next day, then you tell them you signed them up for it as you thought they would like to see what can cure them.
- 61. Take them sky diving and tell them right before they jump out
- "Ok Phil, remember to pull the cord after about ten seconds. Also your dog was run-over by a bus."
- 59. Pay their favorite celebrity to tell them
- "Hi, Mikey, I'm Michael Jackson! I heard you're a big fan of mine! Well, I just came to your house to let you know you'll be dead in three months!"
- private Message (double rapedInTheEar)
- super ("sorry" );
- yourMom = rapedInTheEar;
- 56. Write it in blood on their brand new white carpet
- "Sorry Jim, should've saved that money for the chemo!"
- 55. Make an entry on bash.org
<xXcloudsephiroth09Xx>so you heard about that guy who had his house burn down? <r00thlesskilla0112>yah <r00thlesskilla0112>that was bob wnt it? ***bob has joined #badnews*** <neomorpheus2223>haahaaaaa ha ah aha haaa hahahaaaaaa <r00thlesskilla0112>lol <xXcloudsephiroth09Xx>lmao
- 53. Do it on a cheezy talk show (ie Maury Povich or Jerry Springer)
- "Uh, honey, I couldn't tell you this unless I was with Maury, but I've been cheating on you with your best friend, and our baby may not be yours, and our baby may actually be an alien."
- 52. Get yourself on the news and say it on live television
- "God told me to do it, I'm so sorry for the families of all the seven people I killed, but I didn't have any choice. Oh by the way Nick, I know you're watching this, your daughter has AIDS."
- 51. Tell them during sex.
- 50. Edit their user page:
- 49. Blame it on foreigners
- "Those damn Mexicans gave you a brain tumor!"
- 48. Do it at the end of the world
- "I dropped you on your head when you were a baby." "Oh, daddy! I love you so much!" *blam*
- 47. Use YTMND
- 46. A singing telegram.
- 45. Engrish
- ALL YOUR HIV ARE BELONG TO CARL. YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO AIDS-STRUCTION. HA HA HA.
- 44. Write an Encyclopedia Dramatica article
- "hahahaha yeah so ronnie456 is the gayest LiveJournal user ever, also too bad you've got lung cancer mark =(".
- 43. Rig a magic eight-ball to always answer positive
- "Did Bobby's fiancee drown in the pool this morning? Definitely true..."
- 42. Pretend they won a prize
- "Congratulations, Dianne! You're the one millionth person to get a check-up at our hospital! Guess what you've won!"
"Free healthcare for the rest of your life! Two months worth!"
- 40. Master the art of ventriloquism and make it look like somebody else said it.
- 39. Microsoft Excel Pie Chart
- 38. Tell them at the altar during the wedding ceremony
- "I do. Also, I have a penis. I probably should have mentioned this sooner."
- 37. Use humor to relieve the tension
- "Have you heard the one about the guy whose mom had terminal cancer?"
- 36. Using a bad cryptic crossword clue
- "You haven't WON this battle, NEO. You've got only _ _ _ more day to live". (1)
- 35. After a light sabre battle while your opponent is hanging on for dear life
- "I am your father"
- 34. Inhale some helium from a balloon to add a touch of hilarity.
- 33. In a business meeting
- 32. Make them their very own Oscar Wilde quote
“Richard Stevenson? Ahh yes, the young man with the terminal illness. My condolences.”
- 31. "Happy Final Birthday!"
- 30. By giving subtle hints
- 29. Make them go find on their own
- "Why I haven't seen your kitty cat all morning Susie; maybe you should look under a tire on daddy's car."
- 28. Treat them to a full body wrap at the spa and tell them when they are cocooned in saran wrap and cucumber puree.
- 27. Send in the clowns
- 26. Use a Monty Python referance.
- "Honey, there's a Mr. Death here, come to see about the reaping..."
- "Your third castle just burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp! But you tell the kids that these days..."
- "Nobody expects the Salmonella Inquisition!"
- 25. Leave a post-it on their work desktop
- "Meeting at 3 pm. Also, your mom drowned in the tub."
- 24. Make a song about it
- "Hey, Larry
- You're nice and all
- But I'm sorry to tell you
- You have cancer in your balls"
- 23. Spray paint it on their car, house and, if possible, rear-end.
- 22. A la Nelson Mutts
- "Aaron, your family was violently murdered. Ha ha!"
- 21. Pieces of Info
- Tony: "Do you have health insurance?"
- Linda: "Yea, why?"
- Tony: "No reason. Just asking. Uh, how do you feel about cancer?"
- 20. Call someone with Tourette's to do the job for you.
- "You have RAT'S ASS two weeks to RAT'S ASS RAT'S ASS live."
- 19. Imitate The Ring
- "Seven... days... until your medula melts."
- 18. Get it into the top 40
- "And now, the new Backstreet Boys hit single: 'Dave, I forgot to feed your cat and it died, really sorry. Love, Matthew'"
- 16. Throw them a 'bad new' surprise party.
- 15. Kick Me!
- Tape a "kick me in the crotch, then tell me that I have penile cancer" sign to his back.
- 12. Try to compare it to a famous example
- "Remember when Freddy Mercury got AIDS and ended up wasting away and dying? Well, this is kinda like that except you're a shitty singer."
- 11. Use the power of radio.
- For Bubba from Tallahassee, whose only son just got eaten by a hungry alligator, here's Sir Elton John's smash hit "Crocodile Rock"!
- This long-distance dedication goes out to Joe Schmuck of Moose Breath, Sasquatchewan from all the fine doctors at Billy-Bob's Blacksmithery and Cancer Clinic. Here's Another One Bites The Dust, a former Queen-sized top-one single which may well be the last song Joe Schmuck hears before the malignant tumor spreads to the rest of what was once his brain.
- 10. Summon the town crier.
- "Oyez, oyez! People of this fine village, lend my thine ears! Syphilis has taken its toll and this fine citizen shall be dead upon the morrow! Oyez, oyez!"
- 9. Seek mummers or carollers to deliver your festive message.
- Joy to the world, the school burned down
- And all your children died...
- 8. Deliver a message using a squad of crazed underage cheerleaders
- "Give me a C, give me an A, give me an N, give me an C, give me an E, give me an R, what does that spell? Cancer, cancer, you dead, you dead! Rah, rah, rah, go TEAM!!"
- 7. Halftime at the Super Bowl
- We cut away briefly from our coverage of this year's wardrobe malfunction to show the Not A Good Year blimp, and its message "Billy, Your Papa Just Died Of A Heart Attack". And, on that note, here are a few words from our sponsors...
- 6. The awesome power of interpretive dance
- 5. Talk about the TV shows "Lost" or "Survivor"
- Hey, wouldn't it be weird if the reason Locke can walk on the island is because your sister just had a miscarriage?
- Hey, do y'know waht I think is under the hatch? Your mother's corpse that was dug up last week.
- Six doctors have voted. You have been voted off the island. Guess we won't see you next week. For everyone else, same time, same channel...
- 4. Comparison
- "Good luck at the concert tonight, Sally. You'll kill them like the serial strangler killed your parents!"
- 3. Double jeopardy
- "Here we go, it's Fatal Carbon Monoxide Poisonings for $100. The answer is YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, now what was the question? You have three seconds..."
- 2. Write it on stone tablets then send some guy up Mount Sinai to collect.
- Hey Matt, I know you hang out here, so if you're reading this, your daughter jumped off a roof this morning. Dave 13:04, 12 Jan 2006 (UTC)
- 0. Keep quiet about it
- If the news is bad enough, they'll find out eventually.
The best way to deliver bad news: No one will ever see it.