"Hey girls, get a load of my Nintendex !"
When life gives you apples, you always get a rotten one. The same goes for video game consoles, some company decides to perform some huge 'miracle' in video game systemery and always ends up flopping. Thus, from the somewhat mushy minds of Uncyclopedia, we present the worst 100 video game systems of all time.
DISCLAIMER: Yes, we do realise that most of this article is one gaint sexual inuedno after another, but when you really think about it, so is your mother.
|Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1|
Oh, by the way, 100-91 means 111-91, just thought we'd clear out normal logic for you.
- 111. The HomeBoy
- Don't get me started
- 110. Thingy
- A cheap knockoff of the Nintendo1964 system, oddly released in 1996. It featured a photograph of a face on the main control system, the face was unknown for mainy years until it was revealed as the true form of Gordon Brown, who secretly experimented on the system during its production.
- 109. X-ratedBox
- A special edition of the Xbox dedicated to porn and other things most Xbox players seem to also enjoy.
- 108. X-tremeBox
- Quite literally a box that was extreme. Was only sold for 1 day because of Sony's purchase of the goverement meant that the box had to be taken off Tesco stands for good. They can go for ebay though - though the sellers are never seen again.
- 107. Bob's Mysterios Object
- A mysterious object by Bob. The games for it were all based on the popular watershed TV show, Wheel of Fortune, though you normally play as John Leslie which makes you sick and bloody tired in the end of the bloody guy standing next to the prices.
- 106. Games console
- A games console, sold pretty well actually. Meh, yeah.
- 105. The 9th generation's leading console
- No-one is aware as to what it withelds, however it promises to suck.
- 104. Just Dance Extreme Combo Mah Face Boy Deluxe
- A "plug n play" of the shite Jst Dance crap. The music is changed from computerized tweeks, as in JD12&3, and is changed to misleading racist and sexiest material.
- 103. Nintendo Wee
- A box of the wee that only Nintendo piss out. Oh if you get one of these you're one lucky mothafuka. Nuff said.
- 102. XboxSpartaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
- the cheap system created by a maniac man who likes 300. A true embarrassment.
- 101. Mate box
- Released in 2008 for desperate virgins to stuff their man in it and fuck some virtual pussy.
- 100. Nintendo 1
- A 1-bit system released by Nintendo in 1944 (then called Econex Systematic European War Corporation). Initially, the hype for the system was huge, until it was realized that one was supposed to 'plug' their system into an electrical outlet, which cost $1,000 to install in a household. That, along with the 75 lb weight of the system, and its 10 minute loading and heating time, flopped the project.
- 99. Campbells Classic Souperconsole
- When kids started to get tired of soup after 1980, Campbells attempted to increase the awareness of the healthiness of soup through the video game craze. Powered by Campbells soup (though illegal expansions allowed it to be run by other generic, and cheaper, brands), the console was a success at first. Once the Video Game Crash occurred, and a press release stating that the soup used by the Superconsole would gain lethal levels of lead, the system was immediately trashed.
- 98. Matroesjka's
- A video system created by a group of prostitutes in Belgium in 1992. Proved to be extremely unpopular when introduced to American public schools due to its complex name and provocatively shaped video game cartridges.
- 97. 3.1Box
- The fourth video game system released by Microsoft in 1988. The video game system was a secret testbed for Windows 3.1. Bill Gates mistook the number of sales '1.3' as '1.3 million', and thus released Windows 3.1 for standard computers.
- 96. Square
- A system built by an anonymous sock puppet that was simply a square. It included no electronics. Through phony advertisements on the internet and television, the system sold 2 million consoles. By the 2,000,001st customer, people realized that their systems didn't work. The sock puppet ran off with his money to create a real video game system. (see Playstation)
- 95.5. Cummodore Shexshtay-Whore
- Designed with the prostitute in mind, was used by numerous clients to attract prostitutes to play video games with them. Most of the clients turned out to be video game nerds, and, even with the system, prostitutes were not happy to comply. The system was trashed after 47 days on the market.
- 95. The Spammer
- A video game system developed and released in 2000 by an advertisement company. The system asks for your personal information, credit card and debit card information, under the false pretense that one will receive 'the best video games the eastern hemisphere has to offer'. Only one person bought it, the owner of the company, which led to him suing his co-workers.
- 94. Virtual Girl
- A video game console released by the adult-sector of Nintendo, providing a virtual sexual experience with a woman. Due to painful headaches caused by the virtual girl's complaints about one's sexual impotence and the lack of a 'hole' led this to be merely something to jack-off to.
- 93. Virtual Boy
- A video game console released by the adult-sector of Nintendo, providing a virtual sexual experience with a man. The system was extremely unpopular due to its portrayal of men in a lazy state, sitting on a couch drinking beer while watching television. Women would have to 'flash their stuff' at the VB's camera (must be connected to a phone line), although this did little to the character as it would only state 'Thanks for the photo!'.
- 92. Captain Kirk's Crazy Console
- A video game console released in 1968 in relation to the Star Trek craze. Proved to be unpopular due to the cliche video games involving Star Trek plots and extremely long load-times (said by Trekkies to go at 'The speed of a Gorn frigate pulling a Fesarius with disabled warp core.')
- 91. Nintendex
- In an attempt to beat Sony, which created the Playstation, Nintendo teamed up with Atarix (which was Atari which merged with American Express) to create a new upgrade for the Nintendo 64: the Nintendex . The system utilized one 64 bit processor and an Atarix processor. When people realized that the Atarix processor would instantly blow up when being used with old Nintendo 64 games, Wal Mart recorded a record amount of returns (next to their 'clearance' days).
- 80. The Pen and Paper
- Released in China around 107 BC, the Pen and Paper sucked. Although games like Tic-Tac-Toe, and drawing little boxes remains popular to this day, the sales of the Pen and Paper system were very low as a game playing medium. The company folded this segment but had huge success in legal Pen and Paper and the Notes home to Mommy and/or Notes Home to my Gal Betty departments.
- 79. Chicken Fried Xbox
- An Xbox that is fried with chicken, developed by Macrosoft. Not recommended for dieting.
- 78. Game Girl Color
- A glitch caused this console to only display pink, red, and purple colors, so it put its player's eyes a painful strain, thus it never succeeded in the gaming market.
- 77. B-Box
- Another ancestor of the X-Box, it was made small for the safety of little boys, since its older counterpart A-Box was whale-sized. However, its CPU was limited at a speed of 7hz, a RAM of 8 kb, and could only handle a 1 button controller.
- 76. Game Station
- Developed by YNOS Entertainment, it was the most advanced game console until 2001. It has a 17 GHZ CPU, 1024 MB RAM, 4 controller slots, a built-in flashlight, soda dispenser, cable TV, built-in stove, 3-slot toaster, tropical fish aquarium, automatic hair comber, machine gun bunker, and an automatic poo sling to ward off thieves. Its extra unnecessary features made this weigh 6 tons and it's heavy price tag of $13,371,337 USD because the game console's downfall.
- 75. X-Box180
- This console failed in the market since a glitch in the assembly line cuts the console in half. The cost to fix the glitch and the refunds Macrosoft had to pay exceeded billions, but they only managed to pay for half of it.
- 74. Human
- This console is capable of playing games such as Tag, Hide and Seek, Ghost in the Graveyard, and best of all, it has the potential to invent new games. It earned this rank for being the least graphically advanced console, and lack of one-player games. The most popular game of the system, Crime, was re-released in 1996 under the name Grand Theft Auto.
- 73. Windoes v3
- A personal computer developed in 1945 by Macrosoft. Windoes was popular for its ability to create games with knowledge of programming, and play the millions of text adventures available because of this, if the user can navigate through the jungles overgrown with error messages.
- 72. GAMETIME (Gruesomely Assembled Mediocre Entertainment That I Most Execrate)
- GAMETIME , built by FunGames (rumored to be run by 8-year olds), earned its place in this list since FunGames could only afford to use popsicle sticks, glue, staples, duct tape, paper clips, glue sticks, and discarded shoe laces to make their game console. Few reports say that customers found dog excrement in the packaging.
- 71. Nintendo QS (Quadruple Screen)
- This infamous game console caused players to make their eyes wander in a circle, causing plays to eventually collapse in dizziness.There did make a new version the QSI which is thinner so peoples eyes don't have to scroll all around.
- 70. C-Box
- Just like the A-box, and B-Box, it is an ancestor of the X-Box. This time, Microsoft built it normal sized, but because of the unpopularity of its other two older counterparts, the only game made for it was Tamacrotchi, which simulated everything about a player's pet, while the player's goal was to breed 1 hundred pets.
- 69. Virtu-Babe
- A simulator of sexual experiences with women, based off of Virtual Girl. The company solved the fact that it lacked a 'hole' by adding a 'controller', however it was too wide, and it was a serious health risk for perverted consumers since it also simulated STD's.
- 68. Commiedor 1917
- Invented in the Soviet Union by Russian scientists. This console had huge sales in the USSR due to its unforgettable solgan, 'in Soviet Russia, Console play YOU!' However it was the only console available in the USSR so there was not much choice in the matter. Because of this it failed to make any sales in the west due to crummy graphics, lazy progamming, and bad games like 'GTA Moscow' and 'Super Stalin Bros' and 'Sonic the Communist'. Upon release, the system cost 250,000 Rubles. Following the coup in 1991, the price was jacked up to a grand total of 550,000 Rubles, a month's supply of wheat, 4 loaves of black bread, 20 bottles of Stolichnaya and a potato.
- 67. Babbage Co. WonderDrive
- Considered by contemporary gamers to be many decades - even centuries - ahead of its time, the Wonderdrive was undoubtedly the console to have during the middle years of the 19th Century. Revolutionary rotating-drum graphics brought game play to life and the stylish lever-operated controls gave full control over game characters. Within a year of introduction, over three titles were available on the then cutting-edge Jacquard Loom type punched card format, the most successful of which was Tetris. Unfortunately, even the fact that Queen Victoria installed a WonderDrive at Balmorral was not enough to prevent the device's demise, a fate that was hastened due to its sheer weight - being made of gun metal, brass and wrought iron and being the size of a large room, it weighed over 200 tons even without memory expansion packs.
- 66. The iGameconsole
- Created by Apple to rival the PS3, Wii and the X-Box 360, this console could do just about anything. It was a DVD player, a music player, a toaster, a internet surfer, a camera, a microwave, a shower, a cheese grater, a drinks despenser, A ThermoNuke, A Magazine rack, a keyboard, an electronic libary, A GAYDAR, and much, much more., all for £1000,000,000,000. oh, and it was also a very hard to use shitty games console.
- 65. The Outdoors
- Argued by some to not even be a game console, the Outdoors consisted almost entirely of fresh air and excercise, with next to no gratuitous violence. Ultimately flopped on the market back when the NES came out.
- 64. Sony Praystation
- Was released by Mel Gibson at the same time as The Passion of the Christ, to capture the 18-35 y.o. annoying Christian geek demographic. Sales failed miserably due to the inclusion of the "Tomb Raider - Resurrection" game (which only lasted 3 days before the disk disappeared from its package), and an Aramaic instruction booklet.
- 63. Rubik's Gamecube
- With assembly taking anywhere between 7.4 seconds and the end of time (unless you simply peel off the stickers in frustration, and reattach), this Hungarian system was released in the early 80's to wide acclaim in the East - and suspicion in the West. Available to be purchased in 1 possible configuration, which does not contain an extra controller, but instead contains a grand cross badge.
- 62. Nintendo Uss
- Early prototype for the Nintendo Wii, developed during the mid 1990s. Was immediately taken out of production, as players would often end up flinging the console across the room and smashing their TV screens (the controller was connected to the console by a thick iron chain). Games included "Super Mario Error Screen", "The Legend of Zelda - Link's Awful Graphics" and "Super Smashed Television Screen".
- 61. Atari Brick
- The first ever handheld games console, released in 1981. Due to its large size, and a complete lack of graphics/screen/batteries/any circuitry at all, players used to simulate playing "Pong" by throwing their Atari Bricks at each other. Twin brothers Alex and Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A., broke the 1982 world record for "longest time spent playing on an Atari Brick" for 72 hours. They lost all their teeth in the process.
- 60. The Nintendo Middle Finger
- Nintendo released this system in -2692 AD. Unfortunately, due to the vast majority of complaints, the system was only released in France. They declared war on Japan for this, but the war lasted only -5 minutes, as France surrendered 5 minutes before the Japanese nuked them. Unfortunately, The nukes were launched, and blew up 169.8% of Poland, Killing Kenny. Everyone soon forgot it, and the Nintendo middle finger, which wore like a glove, was also soon forgotten. This System also caused 60 to flee in offense.
- 59. Microsoft Fusion
- After realizing that they were a bunch of corparate bastards Microsoft decided to flash their green credentials by releasing a console powered by nuclear fusion. Most complains came from the infamous 'green ring of death' which resulted in nuclear meltdown. Other problems included the disposal of the fuel rods and the size of the console (400 sq feet). However most critics agree when the console was not killing you with radiation the games such as Halo 4: the hunt for more money, were enjoyable.
- 58. Microsoft Shit-box
- After the monumental success of the Microsoft Fusion, Microsoft decided that enough was enough, and decided to fuck with their consumers a little. The Shit-box is exactly what you'd expect. A box, filled with shit, sitting at your front door. Oddly, 97% of its sales came from George Dubya Bush, considering he likes to throw shit like monkeys.
- 57. Al Qaeda Gamecube
- We had to guess at this console's place in this list, since nobody lived to write a review of this mysterious console.
- 56. Sticks and Stones
- A caveman's favorite. Slightly outdated today.
- 55. HackStation
- Specifically made to run Nethack. A typical game goes like this:
Hello, <insert name here>, welcome to Nethack!! You are a lawful male human knight.
One minute later...
Do you want your possesions identified? [ynq] (n)
- 54. Untendo Puu
- Even though the console was well priced, had a good selection of games like Call of Doody and Supa Shittehole Bruthas!, and was compact and easy to carry, It was hard for people to overlook the fact that it was, literally, a pile of fucking shit.
- 53. Nintendo Pii
- A gaming console devloped by nintendo at 3030 AD. The sensor bar of the Pii was programmed to read motions of people's PINGAS and therefore was a total faliure due to the fact that women don't have a PINGAS. Had great games like Pii Play, where you use your PINGAS to complete tasks like peeing into a moving toilet without missing. Also known for Pii Sports, where the PINGAS is used for Boxing, Baseball, Tennis, Clay Shooting and Soccer. Was favorited by Dr. Robotnik, who was found snoo PINGAS usual with it frequently.
- 51. Sex Box 369
- This came out in 2006 and its games were Grand Theft Auto 69, Sim Butt, and Charlies Angels Full Frontal.
- 50. Sex Box
- This came out in 2003 and the only popular game that was on there was Duke Fuck-'em.
- 49. Innuendo 69
- The Angry Video Game Nerd says that he would rather see Goat Sex than play a game on this system.
- 48. Super Innuendo
- The Irate Gamer says that he would rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear than play on this system.
- 47. Innuendo
- Created by some Horny Japanese People who were bored with masturbation made this game system. The Irate Gamer and The Angry Video Game Nerd would rather fight themselves in hell than play any game on this system.
- 46. Your Mom
- For some reason, she didn't have much of a selection of games.
- 45. Asshole 1000
- Makes the Sega Dreamcast look like an NES, this gaming system has the worst 100 ripoff games of all time, plus it's included in the Worst 100 Ripoff Items of All Time.
- 44. philips virtual boy CD playstation intellacoleco32x
- a merger of the worst ever consoles.
- 43.Fony PlayBox (later Playslab)
- A wii ripoff features games like bum wiping,supermarket checkout girls, teenage spot squeezer, Barman attracter,cocaine taker,smack taker, also they have a character spazic the hedgehog sonics brother who likes going to the pub and taking cocaine.
- 42. Innuendo GamePube
- the angry video game nerd says he'd rather eat his balls than play this.
- 41. Innuendo Oh yes
- a sex version of the nintendo ds
- 40. XXX Box
- the sexual version of the xbox, it comes with an adapter the shape of an ass to stick your dick into.
- 39. XXX Box 369
- made in the sucess of the XXX Box.
- 38. Stupid 5-year olds
- The most annoying game system ever devised. An overuse of moronic penis jokes sent this to the grave, to the relief of everybody.
- 37. PlayStation 7
- Was so incredibly overpriced Sony went bankrupt
- 36. iConsole
- Had several Mac-themed games such as Steve Jobs: Destroyer of Microsoft, Street Fighter: Get a Mac Ads Edition, and Virtual iPod
- 35. iHandheld
- The equally mediocre sequel to the iConsole. Games include Resistance: Fall of IBM and Duke Nukem Gets a Mac
- 34. CNN Game Station
- With games like Anderson Cooper 360: The Game, Grand Theft Auto: Iraq, and the football-voting crossover Ballot Bowl, the CNNGS sold exactly -8 copies
- 33. FUCK
- The First Unipixel Cartridge Konsole made all of its game titles be abbreviations of swear words.
- 32. Wii 2
- Loaded with ridiculous Wii games like Wii Sex, Wii Court, and Wii Sleeping, the Wii 2 was actually very popular...with old people
- 31. UnsungHeroes GameStation
- All games were based off of the adventures of secondary Mario characters. Games included Waluigi's Mansion and Baby Bowser Street B-Ball
- 30. U-Draw
- You had to draw a disc with the game name on it, put it in the disc drive, and draw the levels!
- 29. Cricket Simulator 200000
- Simulated the sport of cricket. Yay...
- 28. The Best Thing Ever
- Despite it's bold name, no games ever came out for it. Plus, it was impossible to turn on.
- 27. Polybius
- Released in 1981, it was suppossed to be the future of video games. However, all it did was brainwash you if you looked at the screen.
- 26. Wii 3
- Featured Wii Running, Wii Typing, Wii Staring Contest, and Wii Rock, Paper, Scissors.
- 25. Wii 4
- Actually was a prank by Nintendo. There was a porno featuring seniors programmed into the console.
- 24. Wii 5
- Lets just say this prank nearly caused a nuclear holocaust...
- 23. RockStarBox
- Came with several Guitar Hero knockoffs, including Ukulele Hero, Acordion Hero, Banjo Hero, Flute Hero, and Triangle Hero.
- 22. RetroGamez
- Was suppossed to bring retro gaming to the 21st century. However, "remastered" Pac-man, Asteroids, Tetris, and Pong ended up being seizure-enducing pains in the ass.
- 21. Xbox 1080
- Halo 6, Gears of War 4, and Fable 5 were really starting to get boring by then...
- 20. The Actual Best Thing Ever
After it predecesor caused riots and outrage among gaming communities, this was suppossed to solve everything. It ended up having a built-in time bomb.
- 19. Atari NextGen
Atari was re-released in 2007. Nobody cared.
- 18. Super Duper Neon Box
No one ever got to play it, because its incredibly neon glow blinded anyone who looked at it.
- 17. Wii 6
Please don't ask what Wii games were packaged with this. Seriously, you don't want to know...
- 16. A Japanese guy
The subtitles can't be understood (it's in chinese) and the "joystick" is small.
- 15. Memestation
An internet meme based console developed by Sony. Had many great internet meme based games such as Super Pingas World, Rickroll Adventures, Legend of Bagel, Mudkip's Revenge, Escape from Hotel Mario, Chocolate Rain Revolution and many more. However, a game called Weegee's Staring Contest caused people to turn into replicas of Weegee which caused boycotting of the Memestation.
- 14. PC The Console
A pointless console that is exactly as a PC, and an Intel Celeron PC based one.
- 13. Ipod The Console
Another pointless console that is exactly as an Ipod.
- 12. A Black Guy
Racits kept beating it senselessly and the "jostick" was too large to hold.
- 11. Rickroller
Each game of the console was revealed as a Rickroll.
- 10. Ben Steintion
A gaming console developed by Ben Stein and Sony. The games were as dull and boring as Ben Stein himself.
- 9. BibleBox
- 8. Harvest Moon City
Harvest Moon games based on the moon, US Congress and the Iraq War.
- 7. Television The Console
A television based console that plugs into a television...
Has the critical flaw of not playing games.
- 5. MegamanBox
There are so many sequel to Megaman, they had to make a game station just for it.
- 4. Moviebox
All of it's video games were based on movies, hence the name and why it sucked.
- 3.1459. The Stick your Dick
All the cartidges are as easy to use as condoms! Just put the cartidge on your erected dick, stick in to console, and play! Bonus, the S.Y.D. allso shakes every time you level up! Warning : if not wearing game cartridge while on system, all sperm realeased will blow up the system. The Into-Vagina is not a sister project of the stick your dick.
- 3. Vii
A lame Chinese-made ripoff of the Wii. The games on the Vii are complete bullshit and had stupid names as if they are made by people with Aspergers.
- 2. Billy-Mays Station
ORDER ONE RIGHT NOW FOR JUST $999.99, AND I'LL SEND YOU 2 STICKS OF MIGHTY PUTTY! THAT'S A $4 VALUE FOR JUST $999.99!!!
BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! ORDER BY CREDIT CARD, AND I'LL INCLUDE A BIG SHITTY SLIDER STATION ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
I GUARANTEE IT!!!!!!
I ALSO GUARANTEE THAT IF YOU PAY WE I WILL STOP YELLING FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- 1 Uncycstation
Full of lame in jokes including AAAAA! and kitten huffing competitions. Boring at it's best.
- A KKK Member
Because black people kept beating it senselessly, it was recalled in 1 hour. The quickest Game Console recall.
Another descendant of the X-Box. It was the size of a bag of potatoes. Making it not to heavy, but still a pain in the ass to plug it in. With bad games such as Grand Theft Auto: Colonial America, The Holocaust: Jews Revenge, and Hiroshima: The End of the Nazis made it go bye-bye. Loading times could last to 30-minutes to a hour. And it costed 100 Gazillion Dollars. The game was made by School Enterprises, rumored to be run by lots of kids and some adults. Worst of all was the notorious "Red Circle of Death", meaning that the console was going to catch on fire. 1,000 deaths were caused by the History-Box.
- The Book
Argued not to be a console at all, The Book was developed once again by School Enterprises. It fixed some of the issues that the History-Box had, such as the "Red Circle of Death" and the loading times. However, it could be small as a puppy or large as a bag of potatoes. If it was small, the game would just fit in, being the game larger. Or if it was huge, you could drop it and break it. Games such as "Harry Potter: The new thang" and "Twilight: The Hunt for more mullah" sucked. And it could break in 10 minutes, with Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, and EB Games experiencing lots of returns and repairs.
- -3 Your Mum
Released in the 1960's, it was soon to be made fun of by every single child online. The Console was so bad that everybody contracted aids and and everybody who had one in their posession was ridiculed. The console was eventually recalled due to faults with its lower regions after years of "doing your mum" the console was never intended for sexual purposes but the child of the day misinterpreted its functions.
- -4 The Chuck
The Chuck Console was one of the first consoles made and advertised by by Chuck Norris. The console featured two games, 'Don't f**k with the Chuck' and 'Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks 07'. The third game proposed, 'Chuck Norris gets beaten up' was deemed too unrealistic and almost impossible to ever happen. It was compared to having the realism as CoD 4, which while meant to be a realistic game, made you some sort of bullet eating superhuman, whos guns do a lot more damage to those you shoot at rather than to yourself. The Chuck was the forerunner of other great consoles, including the XXX-Box. It finally stopped selling when Chuck himself was beaten up by Bruce Lee.
- -5. Xwife
Microsoft's 3rd Sonsole After The Xbox 360! The Entire Game Library Is Just Games About Dumping Husbands! For Females Only.