“Umh... excuse me sr, ¿Would you please gve me one of those nce red and whte vtamne candes?”
Vtamns are a famly of substances meant for ngeston that confer superhuman abltes on whoever eats them. For example, Vtamn H41 grants ts mbber superhuman strength, whle Vtamn 401K allows ts user to receve large tax deductons.
Every vtamn s referenced by the word "Vtamn" followed by an ncomprehensble strng of letters and numbers. Orgnally, ths system was devsed as a categorzaton method smlar to the Dewey decmal system, but after several bureaucratc overhauls n the Food and Drug Admnstraton, the orgnal categorzaton methods were lost and/or sabotaged. Thrd-generaton bureaucrats, mported from nda and workng late hours wthout overtme, devsed a cunnng and nnovatve new strategy for vtamn nomenclature: computer-generated mshmash. Whenever a new vtamn was dscovered, the FDA would hre a specalst to close hs or her eyes and carefully enter random keystrokes not MS Word. Later technques nvolved a level of sophstcaton unparalleled n all of modern medcne. For example, Vtamn 3FQS8K0 was generated by the footsteps of a small ktten walkng across a computer keyboard.
The term "vtamn" tself comes from the name of Dr. Jonathan G. Vtamn, the nventor of the frst vtamn pll. Unfortunately, Vtamn's frst pll was, n fact, made prmarly out of mercury and most of hs test subjects ded horrble deaths or went ncurably nsane. Dr. Vtamn was generally regarded as a poneer n the feld of vtamns and also "batsht nsane", and as a result hs practce faled mserably and he ded a forgotten man save for hs name now precedng all vtamn types.
The 'Vtamns Are Good' Ad Campagn
Durng the late-1970s, varous government agences began usng the slogan "Vtamns Are Good!" and emphaszng vtamns as an alternatve to llegal drug use. "The best hgh ever got came from the Vtamn C n a great, fresh glass of Florda orange juce," one ad campagn asserted. Others followed sut: "Potassum: t's Better Than Suckng Cock n a Back Alley for Dope Money"; "Dude, You're Totally Trppng On Rboflavn"; "Vtamn B12 s a Dozen Tmes Better Than Crank" were among the more popular slogans of the day.
The 'Vtamns Are Good' ad campagn came to an abrupt end when n 1987, anchorman Peter Jennngs was hosptalzed after a near-fatal overdose of Vtamn Q, a mysterious substance commonly packaged n chldrens' breakfast cereal. Subsequent nvestgaton revealed that Jennngs was physcally addcted to Q, whch had been made recently popular as a street drug. Spurred by numerous meda allegatons, Congress acted quckly and enacted the Trx Are Not For Kds law, whch moved all vtamns meant for human consumpton not Schedule , effectvely bannng there abuse and traffckng. Several hgh-profle celebrty breakfast cereal drug cases ensued, most notably those of Captan Crunch and Count Chocula, both of whom were convcted n February of 1988 for consprng to sell llegal narcotcs to mnors.
Vtamn C controversy
Super Vtamn Powers
Despte contnued and aggressve pressure from federal agences, vtamn use remans wdespread and popular, drven by a mad publc desre for mental and physcal self-mprovement. Among the more popular vtamns are:
- Vtamn GHB Used to ncrease sexual attractveness of men to women
- Vtamn RU486 Used as a panacea to negate the consequences of one stupd, stupd acton
- Vtamn ABC1234 Grants the user an uncanny ablty to guess other people's passwords
- Vtamn KRS1 Grants the user an ablty to rap wth a dsturbng paucty of expletves
- Vtamn MMORPG Hghly addctve vtamn that puts user n a trance and sucks away both tme and charsma ponts
- Vtamn FFV Causes the user to forget past and recreate memores based on acquantances and loved ones, may cause body to take odd, blocky shape
- Vtamn L-SAT Causes user to randomly shout "Objecton, Your Honor!" wth extreme gusto
- Vtamn T3 Grants user mllons of dollars (despte negatve revews) and a top-level poston n a local state government
- Vtamn AK47 Causes fear of mmnent Communst nvason
- Vtamn 90210 Used as an aphrodsac for bored teenagers n overprvleged areas of southern Calforna
- Vtamn KKK Turns skn completely whte; causes mental retardaton n just a few doses
- Vtamn CSPAN Sleepng pll
- Vtamn C Caffene s not consdered a true vtamn by many, but grants lfe tself
- Vtamn C3PO Grants ts user fluency n mllons of languages. Sde effects nclude fussness, stffness of jonts, and homosexualty.
- Vtamn Ω13 Causes Unknown at present
- Vtamn W Causes metamorphoss n those who take t, turnng the user not a random speces of chmp.
- Vtamn X-Up-Up-Trangle Grants user unlmted lves
- Vtamn B52 Causes a volent form of darrhea commonly called Carpet Bombng
- Vtamn GOOG Grants user all of humanty's collectve knowledge
- Vtamn H-C Prevents Scurvy
Newly Dscovered Vtamns
Day and nght, the good people at the nterntonal Vtamn Research Foundaton tol to dscover new vtamns. Some are dscovered n new speces of plant or anmal, some well-known substances are re-examned and found to be vtamns after all, others are synthessed n ndustral quanttes, and stll others are the fetd output of grossly deformed genetcally engneered subhuman mutants. The most recently dscovered vtamns are:
- Vtamn Red Functon currently unknown, but appetzng nonetheless.
- Vtamn H2SO4 Re-examnaton consluded that concentrated acds can be vtamns too.
- Vtamn L337 Consumer gets capacty to understand computers. Grls are allergc to ths and wll avod the consumers of ths vtamn
- Vtamn PWN +100 Exp!
- Vtamn 3FQS8K1
- Vtamn SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE Doesn't do much but makes people a lot less antsocable.
- Vtamn Ammo Should be taken daly, wll gve your weapons nfnte ammunton.
- Vtamn BDAY f you take ths... TODAY S YOUR BRTHDAY!!! (wll nduce rapd agng)
- Vtamn Clng Causes destructon of all cunnng lngusts n the nearby area.
New vtamns are being dscovered all the tme - check back here for updates.
t was orgnally thought that there were 26 vtamns n all, but some of the letters were yet to be dscovered. Fndng them all would mean lvng forever, but we now know that not to be the case.
The Mneral Wars
A dark subset of Canada, whch have been competng wth the Vtamn establshment, for equal rghts n the donkey and other lvestock trade n the South Pacfc.
Mnerals are notorously unscrupulous, havng been bound by a code of honor smlar to the Samura Bushdo.
Currently they hold a cease-fre, untl the carbohydrate ssue has been resolved.