“ Baby she's the best, baby she's the best, your sister is the best I ever had, the best I ever had...”
The classic tale of every Uncyclopedian. You meet a really cute girl and manage to get through that without mentioning that you are, in fact, an Uncyclopedian. A few hours later, you pick her up, open your mouth, and the date ends. Now, the dating experts at Uncyclopedia have been racking our brains to find out what the problem was, and it came down to this: You're ugly. However, if your date was blind and it still didn't work out, chances are you've said one of the things on the list of the Worst 100 Things to say on a First Date.
(Please note that we are aware no actual girls use Uncyclopedia. That section was included for transvesites and the occasional guy who thinks he knows anything about women...at all. They're lying, by the way.)
If you're a guy...
101. "I'm getting sick of waiting, can I fuck you now?!?!?"
100 - 91
100. "Does this rag smell like cloroform to you?"
99. "So, can I do you now?"
98. "I normally don't say this about everyone, but I know somebody WAY hotter than you."
97. "Me touchy boobies???"
96. "Well, tonight's been great. I'd love to see you next week, but I'll be too busy sticking my balls in a pencil sharpener, brrr."
95. "I think I should get this out of the way. I like kids. Like, really like kids." - This should be followed by the Pedosmile
94. "I suffer from every perversion on the list of the Worst 100 Sexual Perversions. I like to make it a challenge for women to get me going."
93. (To be used after sex, if you get it on the first date) "So, if I told you - and this is just a hypothetical - if I told you I might have herpes, what would you say?"
92. (Also to be used after sex) "Wow, that was way different than I'm used to. I mean, my dog doesn't do anything you just did."
91. "Wow, you're nothing like I thought you were. I mean, the pictures I took of you from the tree behind your house say nothing about your personality!"
90 - 81
90. "If I pay for dinner, I expect that you'll be having a popsicle for dessert."
89. Normal chit-chat and date conversation, but switching between a robot voice and a pirate voice with every alternate sentence.
88. "Did it just get sluttier in here, or is it just you?"
87. "I've had a streak of dating frigid, ugly, evil women, and judging by you, my streak is still goin'..."
86. "My greatest achievement is reaching level 90 on World of Warcraft."
85. "Damn, I can't believe I got a real date. When I get home, my mom is going to be SO proud..."
84. "Wow, that's really interesting. But enough about you. Seriously."
83. "I never thought I'd have to use the phrase 'Your mom did that way better.' on a first date."
82. "I'm going to go straight home and write about this in my Livejournal!"
81. "What's your name again?" Then you carve it on your arm in blood.
80 - 71
80. "Whoops, how'd that fall out of my pants?"
79. "Holy shit, look at the tits on the piece of ass on table 3!"
78. "Meal's on me. I just sold my level 70 Warlock Paladin WoW account."
77. (After sex) "But your Myspace account said you were 18!"
76. "Oh shit... you're a woman?!"
75. "How loud do you scream?"
74. "Meet my Golden 'Shower' Retriever."
73. "So, since you're not bound and gagged like my last date, I suppose I have to talk to you. What're you like?"
74. "I thought you might like to know that I have uncontrollable orgasms so it could get messy."
“I really enjoy dating you. You look like my mom when she was slightly younger.”
72. "I'm sorry about my choppy moustache. Can you teach me how you shave yours?"
71. "So my friends. Can they come watch to prove I finally scored?"
70 - 61
70. (Right before sex) "Do you accept Visa? No? Mastercard?"
69. "Do you mind if I call you mom?"
68. "Sorry I have to bolt out of bed, I forgot to take my HIV medication."
67. "Would you wear a furry costume tonight?"
66. "I just asked you out so my parents don't think I'm gay. I actually think your brother probably sucks a good dick."
65. "Would you mind just grabbing it for a while, it's kind of cold and I don't wanna get sick!"
64. "Tell me, are you into bestiality too?"
63. "You know, everyone is so tough on O.J."
62. "Next time, bring your twin sister along..."
61. "I'm gona make ya squeal like a pig. Except, I'll take my time when I skin you."
60. "Is your dick bigger then mine?"
60 - 51
59. "I'll be right back, I always have to call my parole officer at 6."
58. "I've got a gimp suit on the trunk, and it will fit like a glove in you."
57. "Ya know, before the surgery, I bet my breasts were about your size."
56. "OK, I gotta be honest with you. I'm dating you because we have this bet about who would date the ugliest chick around. I promise to give you 25% of the money if we can skip the making out and the sex."
55. "I bet my dick will fit perfectly."
54. "The power of God commands thee!"
53. "You suck dick way better than my sister."
52. "Can I cum all over your face but not tell you when it's coming?"
51. "And HOW would you know that platypus is a mammal?"
-1,000,000 I read the unencyclopedia worst 100, and I think that I pay you... $4,000?
50 - 41
50. "That? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I always film myself having sex with people and then upload it on the internet."
49. (pointing to a mirror in the room) "ITS BACK!"
47. "Losing my virginity to her really gave me a whole new appreciation for working at a daycare center."
46. "That was just like that time with your mother! Except you won't let me take a dook in your eye."
45. Any sentence that uses the words 'noodle', 'midget', 'duck', and 'condom'. Use your imagination.
44. "... then they get a cow bowel, stuff with some pork meat and blood, soy beans and God knows what, and voilá, you have a sausage. Do you want another hot dog?"
43. "Let's stop on the police precinct so you can check the posters and make sure I'm not still wanted."
42. "We could end this wonderful evening at my place. The cemetery is not far from here."
41. "Give me your number again so I can delete it again... that made me feel good."
40 - 31
40. "Would you like to come to the Family Reunion? You can meet my Mom, Aunt, Cousin, Sister. She's really a great gal."
39. "I bet that you know your way with a strap-on."
38. "You're into necrophilia too, right?"
37. (if she is a vegan) "You're a vegetarian? Thats great, I love animals too! And its great, with them, I don't even need to use protection!"
36. "I like it when they lie real still."
35. "Sorry I gotta run... they don't give you a cott at the YMCA after 11."
34. "In Yoda Talk, to me speak you should."
33. "Whoah, like, did everything just taste purple for a second?"
32. "I started this yoga thing so I could do ############. I can show you, if you want to."
31. "Just out of curiosity, are you afraid of snakes? How about trouser snakes? Hahahaha!"
30 - 21
30. "Well I go to Anime Conventions and talk on the IRC in my spare time ... you?"
29. "You aren't feeling tired? Damn. I thought those knocked bitches out in like 30 minutes."
28. "Ok, you gotta be quiet or my roommate will hear. He doesn't know I'm cheating on him!"
27. "You're Jewish? I thought Hitler took care of you people..."
26. "They're real?"
25. "Thanks for having sex with me. I've really been down since I found out my girlfriend gave me Hepatitis."
24. "So... When's it due?"
23. "You plastic surgery people all have the same thin-nosed face. Its like you have the downs or something."
22. "Your adam's apple turns my flaccid embarrassment into streaming manliness"
21. "Be right back, I have mud-butt."
20 - 11
19. "I'm adopting a 'hump and dump' policy"
18. The words: t3h, lolz, or j00
16. "Oh shit, I've got a boner"
15. "And the best part, is she doesn't even know I have AIDS!"
14. "Honk honk!"
13. "I would never hit a girl, I hear it ruins the fun to do that before you're married"
12. "Thank god you're not anglo faxson"
11. "What do you do when you live in a shoe and you aint got no pussy. Oh shit! I mean. What do you do when you do it in a shoe and you aint got no soul. Oh fuck! Just let me do you now. Please?"
10. "So I said: "No more medication! Homicidal tendencies be damned!""
9.5 "OMG, your mom is such a MILF. Shes is waaayyy hotter than you. Now she can get the business!""
9. "Bone your ham, ma'am?"
8. "The meat missile is heading for the drainage pipe!!!"
7. "I'll bet you'll cook up real good!"
6. "Does it self-lubricate?"
5. "I'll lick your pussy until it leaks out the water and then you can suck on my dick until the white stuff comes out."
4. "Well, I *technichally* didn't murder the bitch."
3.7 "AHHHHHH SKEET SKEET!!!""
3. "Could you close your eyes for a second, I just wanna imagine what you look like unconscious."
2. "Hi, my name is Kevin Federline"
1. "You know, I think if your sister can do the reverse cowgirl, then you should be able to too."
0.5. "I haven't had that much fun since I did my dog."
0.125 "Come on, let me put the head in for 2 seconds" (actually done after kegger parties)
0. "I fuck on the first date, and my name is Oliver Harris." (actually seen on t-shirts)
If you are a girl...
101 "You need more Cowbell."
100 - 91
100. "That? Oh, its a scar from where my penis used to be."
99. "My penis was larger than that, before that surgery."
98. "Lorena Bobbit is just misunderstood."
97. "I believe in Castration before Marriage.. how about you?"
96. "Awwww. (crying) I am so happy that you asked me on a date!!! It's been so long!!"
95. "Hi, son!"...reply "Hi, son fucker!"
94. "Dad, you know I hate it when you nibble on my neck!"
93. "Eh, I suppose I'm having fun. What else am I supposed to do when my electric toothbrush runs out of batteries?"
92. (To be said after sex) "My last girlfriend was a waaaaay better licker than you are."
91. "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!.. oh I'm sorry, were you saying something?"
90 - 81
90. "I just love _______" (the blank can be filled with James Blunt, Madonna, James Blunt,cher, James Blunt, Backstreet Boys, James Blunt,Celine Dione, James Blunt etc. James Blunt)
89. "Wanna see me rip out my implants? All the blood and fatty tissue will just turn me on!!"
88. "If you don't pay for dinner, I'll cut your balls off."
87. "You do know that I don't like it when guys get boners under the table"
86. "This is so crazy... I thought you were gay!"
85. "8 inches is the bare minimum"
84. "I'm like Paris Hilton, with Hepatitis!"
83. "How far can you stick this up your ass?"
82. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? And dont tell me to go ask a woodchuck...I'm not falling for that one again"
81. "Y'know what I like about chastity belts? Everything"
80 - 71
80. "I know!, how about this time, I be the Guy and you be the girl!!"
79. "I wisth I coultd bee asth baeutifule ashe here!"
78. "Sorry... I thought you were a girl..."
77. "I forgot to shave."
76. "Can I throw up in your butt?"
75. "Is your nickname 'Tiny'?"
74. "I'm not wearing any panties. Too much mold."
73. "Do you like whips, chains, knives, and hot branding irons?"
72. "Lets make Cabbits!"
71. "As soon as we're married, we're getting YOU a vagina!"
70 - 61
70. "How do you feel about having sex in a room full of stuffed animals?"
69. "On top of stuffed animals?"
68. "Inside of stuffed animals?"
67. "With stuffed animals?"
66. "Can I touch your ding-dong-danggly now?"
65. "You have a strap-on, right?"
64. "So, you're you into bestiality too?"
63. "Aww it's so cute!"
62. "You know, you're so sweet. I still haven't completely gotten over my last rape..."
61. (when he is naked) "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
60 - 51
60. "I looked at Wikipedia."
59. "You're not nearly as jealous or well armed or addicted to PCP as my last boyfriend."
58. "I hope you're not too picky about bowel control."
57. "I'll decide if it's rape tomorrow morning."
56. "...vagina full of centipedes..."
55. "There is no Dana only Zuul!"
54. "You know what I love? Putting costumes on my cats."
53. "What's your name again? I was thinking about marriage and sort of spaced out."
52. "What's your name again? I was thinking about carnage and sort of spaced out."
51. "Hi, I'm Lynndie England"
50 - 41
50. "Where am I? Who are you? Aww, who cares?
49. Don't you love Oprah and Dr. Phil?!
48. "When I get excited, I make sounds like a chipmunk and a dying donkey."
47. From when the guy walks her out to the car, "Alright, do me before I change my mind."
46. "You're my dad, you're my dad."
45. "Just put your penis inside of me and see what comes out."
44. "I'll only be happy if you fuck me."
43. "I like it when other people put things inside of me."
42. "I have to lose my virginity before the next full moon so I'll be exempt from the rite sacrifice to Kromdar, Traveler of the Desert of Madness, Lord of Blood and Flames, Vindicator of The Traitorous."
41 "I promised my parents I'd bring them some fun home."
40 - 31
40 "(Loudly) What the fuck do you mean? Of course i'll let you cum into my nostrils!"
39 "Lets see if you're any better than my brother"
38 "So, should i get a dead end job and look after the kids or the other way round?"
37 "Of course as a muslim....."
36 "Don't tell my husband we went out. He'll know I why I couldn't come to his wrestling match..."
35 "Naaw, I d-don' have a drinkn' problem... can yous hold back meh hair for a sec?"
34 "What do you want to name our kids?"
33 "You can fuck me, but my dad can't find out. He gets jealous real easy."
32 "This is my dog, Ballbuster. Isn't he cute? Watch, he bites..."
31 "My names reece rymell and i work at McDonalds, so I don't think you can afford me."
30 - 21
30 "You don't mind the vag piercings right? It's just a couple spikes."
29 "Yeah. Uh huh. Okay. Can we just get to the sex now."
28 "Lick it for a little bit and see what happens."
27 "Ooh, sorry. I didn't mean to squirt you in the eye.
26 "Greedo shot first!"
25 "Um...I think Michael Jackson is HOT"
24 "Can my Moms join she's the lady from the pancake box...Aunt Jemima...she'll get us all sticky"
23 "IM HUGE!"
22 "My hobby is being a nagging bitch. Do YOU have a problem with that?" (There is no right answer.)
21 "My goal in life? Child support and Alimony."
20 - 11
20 "I can't have sex until the economy is more stable."
19 "Hold on, my Pimp is callin'"
17 "I tell people I'm a born again christian virgin, but I'm such a lying slut."
16 "Want to know a secret? J'ai sexuellement transmis les maladies, and I'm really horny."
15 "Lets be Myspace friends!"
14 "One day I want to be famous like (anyone on this list)
13 "So like he TOTALLY like you know and I like was all as if and he was all like my dad about sleeping with his best friend after I spent all his money."
12 "Jobs are for guys."
11 (first thing said) "How much money do you have in your wallet?"
10 "You want to have sex with me? Hold on let me check my schedule. I have an 8 minute opening next Wednesday..."
9 "It's a vagina, I swear!"
8 "My anus is big enough for both of us." (as seen on t-shirts)
7.33333333 "No, it's just that my anus is bleeding..."
7 Don't say anything. Just stare and take notes on how to kill him.
6 Talk in Third Person e.g. Jemiamah (Jemiamah?) wishes to drink some alchohol, bitch.
5 "Somedays I get so emo I could kill myself and everybody I know! What's your name again?"
4 "So I hear you like Mudkips..."
3 "Look, here's the truth. I'm going to act real cute, I'm going to call you "master" in bed and pretend to fight and enjoy it. Then fake some bruises and have a rape test done. Then blackmail you for all your worth."
2 "So then I just made up lies about him and then told them to all his friends and family. He's serving 10 - 25 years now."
1 "is your dick bigger then mine?" 0.5 "I have AIDS, HIV, Clamidia, Crabs the whole package!"
0.4 "Nice dick"
0.3 "So I heard you are a woman "(reall
im a rapist and you should buy a rape whistle there cheap like 1.99