The IV drip was considered by many to be one of the modern medical marvels of the early 20th Century. It has saved countless lives, kept countless mothers out of pain, and given every druggie the means to continuously be high. There are, therefore, millions of things to put into an IV. But, if you're not careful, you could end up dead, incapacitated, or, worst of all, like Geraldo Rivera. So we here at the Biotechnological Industries of America, Great Britain, France, European Countries and Other Places (BIAGBFECOP) put together this list for your own personal use. It tells you what not to use for IV medicine (what you should use is BIAGBFECOP approved drugs), and why. In no particular order, we begin:
Watch as their body turns a deep blue and they get frost on their skin. (Can also be substituted with liquid nitrogen.)
No one would want to be around somebody who makes obnoxious beeping noises and talks in run-on sentences. Unless you want to say "Stop" every time you end a sentence, just don't put it in.
Let's be honest here, to how many people is Henry Kissinger a household name? Didn't think so. This pisses him off, seeing as he's a Nobel Peace Laureate and all. Putting Henry Kissinger into your IV will cause him to take over your body and attempt to spread the word about Realpolitik. And it's not even spelled right. Damn Germans.
The truth is that Keith Richards has actually been dead for many years. Putting him in your IV will cause you to become dead too. Then you'll snort your own ashes.
Those damn things are everywhere! If you're a dust mite, then you'd best be watching out, because Febreeze is out to get you. Therefore, putting them in your IV will make Febreeze come to get you too. Not a good thing. SC Johnson, a family company.
If you've ever been on vacation and/or seen a biopic about Jimmy Buffet, you know what these little things are. And that means you know that they come to a point at the end. Those fuckers hurt. Putting them in your IV will cause you to be impaled internally, similar to if you swallowed cheese wire.
Speaking of it, cheese wire. See tequila umbrellas for reasoning
Kitten huffing is a highly illegal street practice exercised solely by the scum of Skid Row. Putting a kitten into an IV will cause a patient to become the scum of Skid Row, to be picked up by a street cleaner at an unspecified later date.
Take the reason for kitten huffing and multiply it by two and then add syphilis, and that's why you should never add multiple kittens to an IV.
James K. Polk
Though dead for far less time than Keith Richards, the same reasoning applies here.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire
No, not the actual continent. The movie, released in 2001 by Disney, cementing Michael J. Fox's downfall. Beware that it doesn't do to you what it did to him (and, perhaps ironically, Disney)
Yo momma jokes have been the plague of our society ever since they were instated by Satan's very own progeny, Wilmer Valderrama. The black death's spread has been slowed in recent years, but one cough from a patient with your mother in their IV, and we're all screwed.
Similar to above.
Your Mother's Face
Again, similar to 90Editor's Note: The authors of this study got lazy here
Your Face's Mother
Sort of similar to 90, but in another way, paradoxical, improbable and in all senses on the word completely impossible. See also huffing kittens. Editor's Note: The authors of this study got lazy here
In a cliché turn of events, we discovered that, almost obligatorily, Oscar Wilde causes immense prostate stimulation, which leads to incontinence and homosexuality
One of the most American of all Italian foods, using lasagna in your IV will cause you to talk in a fake Italian accent and pretend you're a connoisseur of the foods of Italy even though connoisseur is a French word. Get your facts straight, si vous plaìt.
Live gunpowder, perhaps for obvious reasons, is best left to the intravenous drips of trained professionals and/or followers of the jihad. Otherwise, stay away if you value your limbs being attached and yourself being alive. Lepers needn't worry about this, as the effects of it will end up happening to you anyway.
I speak, of course, of Fergie's hit single that played over the airwaves of countless American Top 40 radio stations the week after it was released. It will cause immediate transformation that cannot be emulated by even the most potent of illegal street drugs. In the end, you'll be washed up, too.
No, I didn't just put this here because I have an Islamic militant with a gun to my head. SWEAR!
While conventional gorillas are actually quite safe to put into an IV, one must be careful. One slight clerical error (if the intern running the hospital's loading dock was simultaneously learning about the causes of WWI, The Spanish-American War, The Korean War, and The Vietnam War, for example) and you'll end up with one pissed off nationalist perverting your otherwise semi-neutral mind with propaganda.
Put one of these into your IV, and almost immediately you will become pompous, and begin spewing terrible puns/double entendres to anyone you may happen to come into contact with. NO! NOT IN THAT WAY! Goodness!
Though we all know he's lonely enough for it, it's best left to the reader to discern why one wouldn't want Pee Wee Herman inside of them. Get that pianist out of his IV!
A 7/11 Clerk
7/11 clerks are 3x more likely to go postal than mailmen. Therefore, having one in your IV will cause you to become übercrazy and shoot up the hospital. And I don't mean with drugs.
Once this enters your bloodstream, it'll be harder to get out than your uncle from a catch-22 involving a hooker and the police. This is worse for your heart than eating McDonalds for 30 days. Just ask Morgan Spurlock.
It WILL get you pregnant
Doing this will cause anything you touch to instantly dissolve, if you survive long enough to touch anything but your own blood vessels. Acid is deadly. Stay in school.
Putting cameras into your IV will cause your body to make an annoying clicking sound any time you blink. It will also cause you to catch your friends in compromising positions, photograph them by blinking, and sell them for profit. If this is you, kill yourself.
Let's face it, fat guys don't have a lot of energy but gas won't help them go.
In your IV, a Wiimote will cause your body to become one gigantic FCC violation.
All the fun of feeling high on drugs, minus the "fun" and the "feeling", plus "actually being" and "in the air", and you have all the fun of actually being high in the air. Which is fun, until you run out of fuel.
This substance can choke and mame you and then lie a Bible next to you thinking it would make itself look like a good person.
It's almost like being anæmic, in that you'll always be cold. It's different, in that you're colder, and you'll also be an asshole to whoever you happen to be dating at the time.
GET THAT DAMN PIANIST OUT OF HIS IV!
It will be as if you had red hair, and you will never be able to get a date. You may as well take up World of Warcraft or some such similar MMORPG or RTS. Getting laid will be in the realm of highly paid escorts when your mom gives you money.
It will cause the same problem that change will. See above.
In an IV, this will cause an uninformed person to do unexpectedly violent yet chivalrous things (which, in retrospect, made absolutely no sense) for four hours, then let people down with a crappy ending before hyping up your final act, which is bound to let people down.
Ninjas injected into your bloodstream are not good. They create wisdom in your mouth like fortune cookie without smartness. IN BED
If this finds its way into your IV, you will instantly be diminished to a shadow of your former self, a mere figurehead for a socialist regime that does absolutely nothing.
Sydney Pollack will come out of nowhere and yell at you if you get this into your IV. If a cell phone gets into your blood, you will be forced to sing "Crazy Frog" until death comes (usually after about 10 seconds)
It will be as if you died, but will also make you impotent. Death won't help you here. Neither will Cheese Puffs. All you can do is pray is the death makes you do just that.
You will be so incredibly b o r i n g i f y-zzzzzz. What? Sorry. If you take this, you will cause people to spontaneously fall asleep.
When a furby infects you, you soon disappear from all streams of consciousness in the world, only to reappear and go away similarly until the end of time.
If you've ever seen anything superhero-related, then you know that radioactive = great powers and great powers = great responsibility. And who wants that, right?
Perhaps the most awkward of all rubber-related products, condoms in your bloodstream will cause you to never have a child unless you do, in which case it is not their fault that they failed to do their job. It's actually yours.
These are just disgusting. Put these in your bloodstream, you have no shame, and you may as well shoot yourself. Also, you'll be predisposed toward having children.
What the- WHO PUT THESE IN HERE?
On another baby-related note, don't put Britney Spears in your bloodstream. This will cause extreme lackadaisical tendencies and cause you to neglect your child, which I apparently have now thanks to SOMEBODY! Yeah, that's right, I'm talking you, Frank.
This will kill you, plain and simple. Highly dangerous and should be avoided, unless you're into that sort of thing.
Unless you want people pretending to be you and failing miserably, never put "Iron Man" into your IV. Ever.
Smoke on the Water
Not only is it an illegal street drug, it's all the side effects of Iron Man times twenty.
If you zoom in close enough, red blood cells look very much like Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde's offspring. Putting Pac-Man into your IV, therefore, will make him chase and eat them, which is bad. In fact, it's deadly. Don't do it.
According to Secretary of Defense William Devane James Heller, everything he touches, one way or another, dies. We ain't arguing. In fact, we embellish, adding this: Everything he touches, one way or another (and most often through painful torture and execution-style shooting), dies. That could be you.
Not only will Marilyn Monroe in your IV cause you to end up as if you were on every drug known to 1950-1960 American society, you will end up being badly emulated by a wannabe Southerner who will also end up dead. Think about the children.
Put Iceland in your IV, immediately, you'll be the butt of awful fourth-grader jokes about why they call you Bob when your name is Robert and that other guy Christopher when his name is Chris or some other such patent nonsense.
...Priest, that is. Them in your IV will mess up your mind so much that heroin would seem like a welcome relief. Most affected, your ability to see when you're washed up.
This should be obvious. You shouldn't put this in your IV because it's illegal, and you need to get it on the street man! I got the goods, you dig? That's how you'll talk if you put this in your IV. Bad.
2+2=5. Doesn't make any sense, right? Well, that's the primary consequence of Big Brother in your IV. You'll start spewing crap like that, which is not good, especially if your math teacher is, from above, watching you.
If you've ever watched Invader ZIM, then you know. Bologna is not a good substance to be made out of. Dogs will eat you and you'll have to side with your best friend until the next episode end of time.
This will cause you to start spewing nonsensical crap. Like the fact that pigs flying is a plausible occurrence in a parallel multiverse.
Putting bats in your IV will cause you to develop cataracts, a supersonic scream (imagine how well you'd do in a horror movie), and cause you to only come out at night. Think of how fast you'll be stopped by the police.
No, not the drug, that would be just like doing speed on the streetsyo. However, putting SPE ED in your IV will make you become mentally incapacitated and left back in your school indefinitely.
Aircraft Integrated Data System is a new technology used by planes. But the name has to be kept secret, for reasons no one can quite understand. Thus, putting it in your IV will make you disappear off the face of the Earth, similar to the effects of Furby.
You know how people can kill a joke? Well, that's what putting this in your IV will do.
Because, honestly, who liked this album? The epitome of selling out, you too will succumb to the phony disco beats should this find its way into your IV.
If you're a member of the human race, you know that PMS is a nightmare, whether it be for the sufferers or for those who suffer due to the suffering of the sufferers. Now imagine there are two sufferers. It would be like putting Rosie O'Donnell and Barbara Walters into the same room. Scary stuff.
OK, while Choc-O-Lax is a delicious substitute for actual chocolate (and often causes the same effect), it should not be directly injected into you, because . . . hold on a moment.
Ah, now, where were we? Ah yes, the list.
While a rare sight to see, arctic monkeys are like regular monkeys except with white hair. And they're just as mischievous as regular monkeys, except with white hair. Be careful, they'll make you old.
Somehow, these dangerous projectiles that would seriously hurt should they be thrown at you were associated with apples in the conception of the Caribbean English. But, buyer beware, it is pointy, large, and will puncture your blood vessels.
Believe me, I've seen the worst of them (quite recently). Feces are not something you want floating around in your veins.
With the recent deaths of animals (real ones, not fake ones like rats) to this cold-blooded killer, one wonders, are people so far behind? Only if you abstain from putting this in your IV.
These are large objects that are the subject of farce in nearly every slapstick comedy movie. They hurt when coming in contact with your bodily organs, and can in many cases cause complete failure of every system that maintains homeostasis.
Sweating to the Oldies
Why not, you ask? Understand, this has always been a favorite solely in old-people circles, way above the desired 18-49 demographic. Why appeal to them, when the money is somewhere else?
If you put money inside of you, then "the money" is somewhere else that overzealous advertisers want to be. Thus, overzealous advertisers will be inside you until every last bit of money is sucked dry and you are left for dead.
Have you heard of it? Of course. Do you despise all who play it better than you? Yes. Do you desire to be despised? You decide.
God only knows what diseases these women have contracted. You'd best stay away, ere you end up dead and narrating your pathetic friends' lives and/or a slave in a basement.
Milk and Cereal
Crappy song that goes on too long. No, I'm not talking about "This is Why I'm Hot," I'm talking about "Milk and Cereal!"
Stupid boy/girl/woman/man, you not hungry for bad joke, you hungry for HOT POCKETS!
Come on. Must I explain this? Seriously, this is starting to get ridiculous, honestly! Are you really that retarded that-
They're painful, and they make blood leave the body. I truly know.
Confucius say, you no want to put fortune cookie in intravenous drip. You want to buy Chinese food for fake hoax.
Um, yeah. Uh, hmm, what should I say? how's life? Yeah. Uh, you shouldn't put that in there. It'll make your conversations awkward.
You know that feeling of having an itch that just won't go away? Well, if you put these in your IV, get used to it. It'll happen often, and everywhere. Even places you don't want it to happen, ever. Much less in public.
Putting this misspelling of "perfume" into your IV will cause you to sound like a pretentious jerk-off.
Do you honestly care about trees? Does it really matter to you if flying squirrels can't breed there? Do you give a shit whether or not dogs can take a shit wherever they please? I didn't think so.
Similar to the problem with Europeans and Parfum, putting a dictionary in your IV will cause you to spew useless definitions and large words in a vain attempt at sounding smart (accomplishing only pomposity). This juxtaposition of intelligence will disillusion every antidisestablishmentarianist within a hectare of your position.
Though the packaging claims to the contrary, Rogaine in excess (ie: in your bloodstream) will actually cause baldness, rather than alleviating it.
Since they can eat everything, even your bones, you will most likely be dead due to the large quantities of these ants to get into your bloodstream, which is believed by Africans that ants in your bloodstream can cure you of your sufferings, and that's the point; you can never suffer anything ever again, because the ants ate your soul, and you never existed. Good day to you, sir.
Think of all the crap associated with this gummy substance. Pink color. Choking related deaths. Obnoxious sucking noises. And a penchant for the Valley Girl accent. Look at now. All these people will want to kill you if you adopt the Valley Girl accent. So be careful.
And you could barely tell your mouth from your penis, you black hypocrite.
Despite its misleading name, steel wool is not at all soft and fuzzy and delicious comfy. Steel wool hurts even granite countertops, and you can bet that your veins and arteries are not nearly as strong as granite countertops.
The phrase "the world is your oyster" has been seen by anyone who has ever watched a Disney or Universal produced sports/inspiring movie. Do you want the world to be countless peoples' you? Doesn't even make grammatical sense. Don't do that to your English teacher.
Being stretchy is not all it's cracked up to be, honestly. It can get you into a whole mess o'trouble, and stretching (like this list) is all-around unsafe.
A Woman Scorned
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Not explosive diarrhea. Not E. Coli or Salmonella poisoning. No fury like a woman scorned. None. Not even Montezuma's Revenge. So be careful.
Unless you wish to become the second male cheerleader to attend this Texas institution, keep Longhorns away from your IV.
A delicacy in China, an abomination here. Unless you're of the school of thought that believes that China is going to take over the world, then don't hedge your bets and stick with the Western World. The Confederacy doesn't count.
A few spaces ago, I said "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". I lied. Hell hath no fury like a jihad, and that's the incontestable truth.
NO IT IS NOT TRADITIONALLY PRACTICED MEDICINE!!!!!