Worst 100 Superheroes of All Time
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“O.M.G. I can't get the prize out of the bottom of my breakfast cereal box! I hope a superhero shows up soon! HELP ME any random SUPERHERO!”
“I wanted to be a super hero until I found out they don't get paid!”
- 100. Cross-country Fag Man
Miles Weatherseed lives in the homely county of Kent, and runs for fun like a complete prick. People mock his passion behind his back and laugh at him in in his short shorts which he covets so dearly. Seriously. What an inbred.
- 99. Ashtray
Kills evildoers with second-hand smoke. Takes a while.
- 98. Rides a 10 speed everywhere guy
He rides a 10 speed everywhere and bores people to death with stories and how they're a great way to stay in shape.
- 97. Bicycle Repair Man
"In a world full of superheroes, who will repair your bicycles?"
- 96. Jimbo Wales
Uses his uber Wiki powers to save the day. And of course, he lets everyone edit his Wikipedia for free.
- 95. Freddie Prince Jr.
Bets that he can make the strange artistic girl at your school into a hot prom queen, learning a lesson about judging people incorrectly, all in the name of crime fighting.
- 94. The Spammer
This is an AMAZING opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this INCREDIBLE new product that literally SELLS ITSELF. I GUARANTEE that within THREE MONTHS you will be making AT LEAST $10,000 a month -- WITHOUT DOING ANY WORK! Normally I charge clients upwards of $100,000 to set them up in business. But because your name was obtained from a trusted friend, I will get you started for only $9.99. But you must REPLY TODAY! ACT FAST! SELL FAST! LIVE FAST! DIE FAST! CALL: (02)9559 2461 (This phone number does acctually exist, please call for our product today)
- 93. The Crusher
She's always getting a crush on the latest hot supervillain and distracting him with mash notes, pointless phone calls, hanging out by their locker, and bothering all his friends about if he likes her or not. (Clue: not.)
- 92. Bridget the Midget
Either a famous porn star or a Ray Stevens song, like it really matters.
- 91. Six-Fingered Man
Has lost four of his fingers and is unable to do cat's cradle when asked.
- 90. Isle of Man
- 89. The Paper Surfer
Gets all wet and flappy when he surfs. Really weak.
- 88. Mister Meh
The one superhero who can never be truly defeated, because he actually doesn't give a rat's ass who wins.
- 87. Pauly Shore
Bores bad guys to sleep performing his movies live.
- 86. Pinniped man
Mild mannered marine biologist by day, super hero by night. Able to become ANY form of pinniped (seals, sealions and walrus's). Friends with Aquaman. Likes seafood, long walks on the beach, surf music and Baywatch reruns. He hopes they get David Hasselhoff to play him in the Pinniped man movies. His only weakness is clubs.
- 85. Echo Boy
Repeats everything an evil doer says and apes their movements (he is also a skilled mime). Former sidekick of the (now retired) Copy Cat. Being copied drives normal people insane but hopefully drives the criminally insane sane.
- 84. Silver Dollar
Pulls a silver dollar behind opponents ear, then uses to choke them.
- 83. The Looming Silence
Fights evildoers without saying a word. Never says things like "Going on a little TRIP, Evilman?" as he trips the villain, and so forth. Nothing. Just silence. No evildoer can stand that.
- 82. Boombox Stereo Boy
Plays very loud obnoxious music to scare away enemies.
- 81. Pinecone Man
Looks a bit like a pinecone. Known for fighting off rabid squirrels. His scent reminds people of an automobile airfreshener and he is often offered free rides.
- 80. The Plaintiff
He'll sue your ass off. And don't tell me that's not hella scarier than being blasted by magnetic rays or whatever. Which do you actually worry about more: being fried by lighting bolts coming out of some dude's eyes, or being sued by... The Plaintiff. See?
- 79. 'Made in China' man
All of his work is done by sweatshop workers in Asia.
- 78. Sorry Man
Kicks bad-guy ass, apologizes; tears evil-doers a new one, profusely begs forgiveness; saves baby from burning building, grovels to the firemen for not helping them enough. He is a pathetic superhero.
- 77. Amman
Is not a superhero at all but a city in Jordan.
- 76. Lobsterman
(Pictured) A big-time wrestler on the local circuit who also used to appear at baseball games in Nashua, New Hampshire, until a notorious day preceding, and unrelated to, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction." Now fondly remembered as Captain Butt-crack.
- 75. Late Man
Never shows up to anything on time. Like, this one time he turned up 35 minutes late to a hostage situation and thirty-six preschoolers had already been wasted. Apparently there was "lots of traffic" on "some street."
- 74. Boy Man
Is able to summon up all the powers of a small child. (What is that smell?)
- 73. Dog Man
OK, if he's riding with you, and he sees another superhero in another car, he's immediately like "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!" at the top of his lungs and keeps this up for I swear like forty-five minutes by which time the other car is probably halfway to Akron. Drive you nuts. Sometimes appears as alter ego The Whizzer.
- 72. Tiny Man
When most needed Tiny Man becomes so small that he can attack individual DNA molecules in his opponents, forcing them to undergo instant mutations into shameful things such as pugs or hamsters, their shame alone rendering them harmless.
- 71. The Human Water Pump For A '57 Ford Fairlane
Can transform himself into a water pump for the cooling system of a 1957 Ford Fairlane (models S and SE only).
- 70. The Gay Beaver That Eats Balls
A mutant with webbed feet and adamantium incisors capable of gnawing through an oak tree in under two minutes and holding his breath for a really, really long time.
- 69. The Human Porch
A man who can turn his body into a porch, with all the powers of a porch. His bug zapper can be dangerous if you touch it.
- 68. Head Growin' Out of the Ground Man
Pops his head out of a hole only to get shot when he turns in the other direction.
- 67. The Broker
Explains to evildoers that investing in stocks, bonds, and other securities provides a better long-term cash yield than killing people and just taking their stuff. Guy has a point.
- 66. The Gunman
Basically just shoots people.
- 65. Dodge Man
He has the power to dodge absolutely everything - including tax. Originally he had absolutely no offensive abilities at all, until he worked out he could dodge not-killing someone.
- 64. The Superfriends
Two ordinary ten-year-old kids named Matt and Jill. The superheroes let them hang around the Super Clubhouse to give the audience someone to identify with. Unfortunately they were captured in the first episode by Doctor Bad Sex and subjected to unspeakably horrific tortures, and returned only when their broken bodies, maimed countenances, and shriveled minds left them in horrible pain as hopelessly insane shells barely recognizable as human beings. Did not test well with target demographic.
- 63. Captain Spitter
Can spit into an opponents eye from up to 30 yards (meters). When faced with powerful opponents he's been known to break out the chewing tobacco! Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, SPIT !
- 62. Graffiti boy
Spray paints embaresing sayings and pictures on evil-doers vehicles. Will paint arrows on the road and sidewalk from a police station to an evil-doer's lair if he can't find their vehicle.
- 61. The Reorderer
Moves items from lists into new positions... and loses the important items! How else can you explain Oscar Wilde not being in this list?
- 60. Tiny Dick Man
Makes evildoers laugh and distracts them with his tiny dick. Even though its tiny, he is also capable of forcing them to come and suck his tiny dick.
- 59. Captain Canada
Defender of the Canadian Way. Boring, but he's got socialized medicine, which is really useful when you're always getting hurt by supervillains. (Goes across to Detroit to actually get treatment.) Protected by a flock of Canada Geese.
- 58. The Neighbor
Foils evildoers by borrowing their power tools and never returning them, boring them into inactivity by showing them photos of the grandchildren, and calling the police on them if they play their music too loud. The Neighbor is called into service when their close associates, The Mailman and Barking Dog, alert them to a local archvillian problem.
- 57. Minor Inconvenience Man
Goes round to your house and sticks knives in the toaster and shreds your mail which might contain important stuff like bills. Likes to cuddle hedgehogs and kick over trashcans. Also he replaces good light bulbs with dead ones, and energy-saving bulbs with regular ones so you SLOWLY POLLUTE THE VERY AIR YOU BREATH.
- 56. Girl Man
- 55. French Man
No matter how many times you tell him otherwise and provide historical proof he continues to believe that his country won world war two and did not collaborate and send people to the gas chambers, and that france is actually a non-racist and lovely country. Then he goes away to smoke billions of ciggarettes and produce awful cheese and worse wine.
- 54. PB and J Man
Turns into a PB and J sandwich when evil doers are coming,they eat him then he turns into a man and cuts a hole to get out of them.
- 53. Dr. Bill
Aides other superheros, but not those with preexisting conditions.
- 52. Boob Girl
Her power is to distract evildoers by showing off her big fat titties to them, which will immediately make the bad guys stop whatever they're doing, then proceed stare and masturbate (possibly even ask to touch them). Completely ineffective against supervillain 4chan Man, who seems to follow her around obsessively.
- 51. Midge and Skipper
Barbie's best friend, and Barbie's little sister. Skipper. Now there's a name that has "Made up by a roomful of 40-something ad executives" written all over it. What? Right, superheroes. Sorry.
Batman:: oh wow he has gadgets to help him fight crime.....weres his power....to turn into a bat? oooooo scary
- 49. The White Guy
When he walks into a room, everyone starts talking like him and then start talking about the latest shenanigans on the golf coarse or at the Nascar race track. Its mandatory to make him feel like he is the person in charge of everything (even when he knows absolutely nothing). Superpowers consist of making rules then changing them once everyone else starts winning at the rules, supporting a political power based on racial issues alone (its his fault our nation is in the ruins taking place now), and chastising anyone that is not white to compensate for the fact that he himself is a miserable loser in life. Best know weakness for this hero is seeing a white woman (or any very attractive woman for that matter) all over a race of man stereotypically known for having "well endowments". Its been said that most of these type heroes are mixed with another race, and that their great grands refused to accept it thus causing this super hero to not be so super...
- 48. Aqualad
Aquaman(who is a great super hero) is ashamed to be next to him
- 47. Big Fat Guy.
All he does is belly flop on people. At least they're bad people.
- 46. Melt Man
With the power to ... MELT! Unfortunately, he takes days to unmelt.
- 45. The Invertebrate
He can't walk or even stand, but boy, can he bounce!
- 44. Person Man
Person Man, Person Man, Hit on the head with a frying pan, Lives his life in a garbage can, Person Man, Person Man. Is he depressed or is he a mess? Does he feel totally worthless? Who came up with Person Man? Degraded man, Person Man.
- 43. Secretary of Transportation
This Superhero not only controls the nation's transportation assets, but when extreme measures are called for can transport himself anywhere in the world to control other nation's transportation assets. Arch enemy: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.
- 42. JOE VULLO!!!!!
Saving the world, one dull penny at a time.
- 41. Manga Man
Known for his extreme hairstyle, which inspires large eyes.
- 40. Captain Incompetent
He really really tries, but never seems to get any of his good deeds done right. Usually crashes into something when he tries to fly.
- 39. Telephone Woman
She'd help you out but she's always on her phone. Who ya gonna call?
- 38. Captain Incoherent
Communicates mainly in sign language since nobody can understand a spoken word he says. And even sign language readers have difficulty with his sign language.
- 37. Cardboard Man
He's really, really good at making boxes. At saving the world, not so much.
- 36. Inflatable Nostril Man
Has hollow nostrils that can be filled with helium, although not so much that he can actually float. He can at best confuse and spellbind thugs with his unorthodox party trick, providing the police with enough time to show up.
- 35. Captain Boring
The most boring superhero ever. His real name is John Doe and he lives an unremarkable life in some suburb somewhere, drinking lots of beer and watching Animal Planet on TV in most of his sparetime. He works as an accountant at the IRS. This snorefest spends the night boring criminals to death with his thick, soporific voice and his grey, unimaginative suit.
- 34. Captain Satanus
- 33. Douchebag Man
Being a truly insufferable and (by his rich parents) spoiled jerk, he goes on and on about how much money he have and how many chicks he gets to bang and so on, until the thug melts into a puddle of abject inadequacy. He also tends to piss anyone else off with being extremely arrogant and cocky.
- 32. Captain Suicide
A superhero that has suicide as his only superpower. However, he cannot resurrect himself so it's pretty much a one-way ticket. His "power" only works successfully once and then he's gone, although with some luck, he may be able to take some bad guy with him to the afterlife.
- 31. The Talc Man
A superhero that has been mutated into living talc. Since talc is the softest mineral known to man, a mere touch is often enough to kill him.
- 30. Westboro Man
He uses hate as his foremost weapons. He hates everyone, but hates homosexuals, jews, black people, figs and shrimps more than the rest. He scares bad guys by saying that God hates them and that they will go to Hell if they don't give up. He is in turn despised by almost everyone, and it does take some imagination to even call him a superhero.
- 29. Captain Nonexistant
His superpower is to not exist, not even in some non-corporeal phantom-like form. He never has and never will.
- 28. Fatman
A morbidly obese rip-off who decided to copy Batman. For powers and biography, see the article on him.
- 27. Smokey
The Smoke Monster from Lost after having escaped the island. Can turn into living smoke, float in mid-air, shapeshift and make awful noises and flashes. He tends to trash criminals by raming them into nearby trees.
- 26. Captain Paradox
This odd superhero fights naked in a concealing suit at the zenith of the sun in the early morning against people that he thinks may one day spawn future supervillains. During daytime Captain Paradox spends his days working as a biologist in a nuclear power plant. He is allegedly homosexual and has an aversion for individuals of his own gender and likes to pick-up women in bars and clubs anytime he is busy being a superhero or working. His hidden fortress is located in an iceberg in the Nevada Desert and his symbol is a monochrome rainbow over, and a one-dimensional cube under, a feline snake with octopoid tentacles. He kills the bad guys by shooting them with his sword or decapitating them with his lasso. Captain Paradox became a superhero after his biological parents were killed in a head-on collision in an amusement park carousel two years before he was born, and swore on his deathbed that he would spend his life fighting the criminals who were not guilty of causing his parent's death.
He tries to prevent villainy from happening by killing the grandparents of villains before they have the opportunity to produce the villains parents.
- 25. Rickroll Man
He wears superhero clothes, but anytime he comes face to face with a criminal, he drops his acts and takes off his suit and start to dance and sing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley in the usual campy style. If the thugs hadn't already shot him by then, they most definitely will in a few moments.
- 24. Lady Needle
Lady Needle is the superhero identity of a 85 year old widow named Agatha Kilroy who was one day bitten by a radioactive sewing machine and got the power to use needles and threads in superspeed. She traps criminals by sewing them into a large ball of yarn. However, due to her advanced age, she must always move with a rollator.
- 23. Supersizememan
Supersizememan was Krypton's very own sycophantic village idiot who always wanted to be like Superman and began dressing as his idol. Once the village idiot made it to earth, Lex Luthor tricked him into eating Kryptonite-stuffed hamburgers until he grew excessively fat, sabotaging his digestive tract permanently. Now, instead of the yellow sun giving him superpowers, he needs to eat 10 tons of junkfood per day due to his accelerated metabolism in order to keep his Kryptonian powers. He is also best friend with Fatman.
- 22. Captain Cliché
Captain Cliché was born in February 29, 1337 as the only son of Oscar Wilde and Oprah Winfrey. At the age of 10 he was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, a sight so pathetic that it inspired Mr. T to say about Captain Cliché, "I pity the fool!". After this he was threatened by Steve Ballmer, who vowed to fucking kill him because had Google as his startpage in Mozilla Firefox and used Kubuntu. After this he had enough - he had HAD it with those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane! Not long after, his English teacher gave his homework an F because he hadn't read his HTBFANJS and kept writing crap about grues, Kryptonite, mecha-Hitlers and rabid squirrels all the time. One day he was bitten by a radioactive cliché while visiting Uncyclopedia, and became a slobbering idiot and as a consequence immediately replaced the article on Atlantic Records on Wikipedia with "You Suck!". He now appointed himself Emperor of the United Spades of Amerika and became a patron saint for everyone who are at risk of being eaten by grues, having their funeral crashed by Fred Phelps (who thinks Captain Cliché is gay and that God hates him) or kitten huffers who have gotten a kitten stuck in their throats during the huffing. In the year 1492 he was seen in the company of MacGyver, Captain Obvious and 42 Jack Bauer clones, fighting the satanic hordes of scientology in R'Lyeh, which ended with the deaths of Tom Cruise, Santa Claus, Elvis Presley, Cthulhu and Xenu (although Cthulhu wasn't technically killed, but merely put into a lucid dreaming state). He died in December 21, 2012, over 9000 years old, when his Uncyclopedia userpage was vandalized by both 22.214.171.124 and LotofLOLS separately, within the same hour, an event so catachlysmic that Captain Cliché was weakened and died of shock when he was brutally raped by a yak during his sojourn in Canada. His battlecry was "Imma firing ma lazer!!!" and his greatest superpower was to fire laser out of his mouth. The Gods be blessed that he's dead and never coming back!
- 21. The Housewife
The Housewife, in truth named Diana (although we don't know her surname), is a mother of two kids and is married to a doctor who earns enough money to enable her to be at home with their kids. This allows her to assume the superhero identity known as "The Housewife" during the night. Armed with a rolling pin and a broom, her superpowers includes finding out who stole the last cookie from the jar, knowing how long the buns needs to be in the owen after the baking, picking up kids after school and finding remaining dust bunnies under furniture almost by instinct. Attempts to get evildoers interested in scrapbooking and crafts instead of crime.
- 20. Slimy Appendage Man
Oh great. Even dead subaquatic aliens in submerged corpse-cities needs their own heroes these days... The national hero of the sunken kingdom of R'Lyeh in the Pacific Ocean, the Slimy Appendage Man, whose real name is Dhxwaich'zli Ythlriacth, spends most of his time dreaming, seeing as how all the denizens of R'Lyeh tends to be dead but dreaming. Since he is thankfully dead most of the time, he rarely gets much done until the stars are right and he can temporarily live again. During those periods, he have an affinity for driving the sane insane, thinking that they're better off that way. To him, madness is a virtue. He is non-human and has hideous tentacles in place of a face and as arms and is generally ghastly and eldritch looking. He is known to have an enmity towards Norwegian fishermen, Euclidic geometry and people who dislikes padded cells. He is known as "Uncle SAM" in R'Lyehian news and media. He spends most of his free time reading the Necronomicon and trying to come up with synonyms for the words "horrible", "infinite", "mad" and "weird".
- 19. Captain NPOV
The foremost defender of neutrality and objectivity, Captain NPOV is a superhero who some say works for, among others, Wikipedia, Encyclopædia Britannica, Encarta and Compton's Encyclopedia. He attempts to uphold certain standards pertaining to encyclopedic writing. He have a nasty habit of interfering with everyday conversations whenever he hears an unsourced statement and often says silly things like
|Excuse me, lady/mister, do you have a source for that statement you just made? Otherwise I will have no other choice but to report you to a neutral committee which will try to establish a consensus as pertaining to the scientific and empiric validity of your claims. If not, you may be up for scrutiny for such unbiased and unsourced claims and will risk banishment from this area. Remember, do try to find sources for your statements the next time you engage in a conversation. Thank you for your time and cooperation.|
Some conspiracy theorists have suggested that Captain NPOV is actually the previously mentioned Jimbo Wales in disguise or a robot (or both), motivating this with the captain's annoyingly rigid and robotic modus operandi and rhetorics almost sounding as if it were taken directly out of one of Wikipedia's guideline articles.
- 18. Banana Man
Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any weirder...
Until he unzips and starts firing plantains out of his crotch...?
- 17. The Barfer
A superhero that uses vomit as his weapon of choice against bad guys, through the means of bulimia and lots of food. He have come to realise that the acidity of vomit can be used in an offensive way. Sometimes he eats one of the criminals and put his fingers into this throat and vomits him up on the others. However, a sufficient load of sodium bicarbonate could kill him, although no one sadly knows this. This is not a guy anyone, good or bad, would want to meet.
- 16. The Plagiarizer
The Plagiarizer is a man who have the ability to psionically plagiarize any written material he encounters. This often means transfering the content of a book or an Internet information source onto another paper print. He likes to help children and teenagers with their schoolwork, although most of them ends up getting an F as a result. He is also the archnemesis of Captain NPOV.
- 14. Bridget the Midget
Either a famous porn star or a Ray Stevens song, like it really matters.
- 13. The Straightjacket
A superhero who is absolutely insane. He was turned this way by a failed attempt by the U.S. military to exorcise the madness of The Joker, Tom Cruise, Freddy Krueger, Hannibal Lecter and Steve Ballmer and shunt it into the body of one unfortune youngster in order to take lift their burden of this planet. He thus shows all the insane characteristics of these persons, all rolled into one. Even criminals fear him due to knowing full well what he really is.
- 12. The In-joker
The younger brother of the Joker. He sits all day long on the parody website Uncyclopedia on the Internet posting random oneliner articles that gets instahuffed within an hour with the fleeting hope that one of them will one day be taken in as a new in-joke instead of being deleted. He also collects posters of the Uncyclopedia admins whom he idolizes greatly instead of going outside practicing his one actual, unrelated superpower, which is to make tulips change colours. Seriously, what a fucking loser...
- 10. Edward Fingerhands
A young man who was born with a horrible mutation that caused him to have fingers on his hands. He also suffers from neurotypical syndrome and also has the superpower of looking just like Johnny Depp.
- 9. Man-Man
Avery average man who was bitten by a radioactive man and gained the power of a man. He's a taxi driver and holds deep conversations with this customers.
- 8. Typo
Defets enimys wiht gramer mstacks.
- 7. Backfire
A Transformers who fires rockets, only to come back to blow up in his face.
- 6. Poopeye
Poopeye is a sailorman who can gain superstrength temporarily by eating shit. When he does, he tends to kick the living shit out of his nemesis Bluto. He also has a penchant for olive oil.
- 5. Miss Universe
Miss Universe is a superheroine who is enpowered by a committée owned by Donald Trump due to nothing more than good looks and being able to maintain a fake grin longer than other contestants for the title and trying to sound profound by reading prewritten cliché-ridden phrases about world peace, the environment and starving children in the third world written by ghost writers. She has been imbued with the superpower to blind people with her chalk white teeth and an everlasting smile pastured onto her face 24/7. She also has the ability to travel anywhere in the world and feature in commercials, TV programs and press conferences. She can also change her looks and her name every year to fool people to think that she is someone else. Miss Universe's rogue gallery consists of the evil, minor rip-offs Miss Earth, Miss International and Miss World. She is also immortal and never ages past the age of 25.
- 4. Visible Woman
The Visible Woman is a woman who was hit by cosmic rays and gained the abilitity to make herself visible. Since she was visible before her accident, her power sadly doesn't make much difference.
- 3. Dust Bunny
The Dust Bunny is a large ball of dust that has gained sentience due to high levels of radioactive gases in whichever house it once lived in. It mostly hides under furniture until a burglar comes by, upon which it may engulf its victim within its own being. Its greatest vulnerability is that it's prone to being sucked up by vacuum cleaners or toyed with by cats.
- 2. Oxygen man
Has the ability to be made of gas. Unfortunately, he was inhaled by a villain and was converted to carbon dioxide (And died
- 1. Subtracting Man
This superhero is a lot like the Multiple Man, except in reverse. This means that any time he uses his superpower, instead of adding one more incarnation of himself to his total number of selves, one is reduced from that number. Since there can only ever be at most one of himself due to the reductive nature of his power, he will in effect erase himself from existence if he uses his power. This may be good as a distraction in situations where the thugs can go like "Hey, where did that guy go? Check behind those craters!", giving the cops some more time to show up. Sadly, it's a one trick pony, just like Captain Suicide's power. He should not be confused with Captain Nonexistant, whose superpower is to never exist in the first place, which Subtracting Man do. Some theorize that Subtracting man is Captain Suicide and Captain Nonexistant while on his Captain Paradox form. They say he Subtracts himself through suicide and becomes nonexistent over and over paradoxically.