Worst 100 Short Poems

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“Poetry is like my penis; women love it”
~ Oscar Wilde on poetry
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According to Michael Jackson's True Word, the following are the Worst 100 Short Poems ever written. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.


edit 100-91

100.
Green and yellow will beat a fellow, (Packers)
Yellow and black will smoke some crack. (Steelers)
99.
Once a young maiden from France,
Went out to an upper-class dance.
Without any question,
She had bad digestion.
And lo and behold shit her pants.
98.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To do some hanky panky.
Jill forgot to take the Pill,
And then came baby Frankie.
97.
The trees are quiet.
They pretend not to notice,
That I am pooping.
Nice trees.
96.

CENSORED

95.
You Don’t Want To Know
Trust me, you don’t want to know,
The thought that just flew through my head.
It involves Vaseline and a mountain of blow,
Speed Stick and a huge waterbed.
94.
This is repetitive,
This is repetitive,
This is repetitive,
This is repetitive,
This is repetitive,
This is repetitive,
This one isn't.
93.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm losing my head,
Hope you are too.
92.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme,
And this one sucks.
91.
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily .
It’s an erotic dream.

edit 90-81

90.
"Ode To Roxanne"
Roses are red,
Your body is hot.
I'm big on romance,
Sadly you're not.
89.
Tuesday.
Finger.
Blancmange.
Fin.
88.
"Casablanca"
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Whence all but he had fled.
Twit.
87.
Hope Springs Eternal
An eager young poet from Tyne,
Poured his soul into every line.
He worked day and night,
But still had trouble getting the scansion right.
And frequently fudged on the rhymes.
86.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
...But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead.
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.
85.
I wander lonely as a cloud,
That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils.
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
...I don't get out much.
84.
Once, in my house,
I ran into my spouse.
She killed me with a comb,
How did this happen?
83.
Roses are Red,
Violets are too.
In Soviet Russia,
Poem write YOU!!!
82.
The Cat,
Sat,
On The Rug.
The Mat,
Didn't Even Get A Look In.
81.
On Modern Fleas, Not Like Ye Olden Fleas of Antiquity
Adam hadn't 'em.

edit 80-71

80.
Roses Are Red,
Violets Are Blue.
I'm a Schizophrenic,
And So Am I.
79.
This Is A Haiku
Your mother-in-law just said,
I want to do you.
78.
Birthday Haiku
Today is Birthday,
Tomorrow is not Birthday,
Refrigerator.
77.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Sugar is sweet,
And so is your poo.
76.
Speech Phobia - Part I
Uh...
Uhh....
Uhhhh....
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!
The End.
75.
Speech Phobia - Part II
Hello ladies and gentlem...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!
And then he fainted,
The poor little worm.
74.
Ode to the Bright Green Leaf of Life that Gives Us Life and Otherwise Death (Unless We Are Alive, In Which Case We are Not Dead) Part I
Leaves like Chocolate.
I eat them.
I feel the cold death of myself
As the icing slips down my face.
73.
Ode to the Bright Green Leaf of Life that Gives Us Life and Otherwise Death (Unless We Are Alive, In Which Case We are Not Dead) Part II
There are trees in the hills...
Trees... they want to kill me,
They want to eat me.
TREEEEEEEEES!!
72.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
I made you this poem,
'Cause I'm smitten with you.
I am very pleased,
That you didn’t run ‘way.
For I wish to tell you,
That I’m very gay.
71.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
I like to play zork,
But I get eaten by Grue.

edit 70-61

70. 
Madeline, Oh sweet Madeline,
Why do I stalk you, Madeline?
’Cause you're so neat, you're so fine,
That I Just Want to Fuck You,
In The Behind.
69.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
’Twont be long,
’Fore you have AIDS too.
68.
One pill makes you stout
One pill makes you small,
The ones Grace Slick sings ‘bout
Don't do nothing at all.
67.
Perfectionism
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Well, actually, violets are violet, but...
Wait...I messed up. Let me start over.
66.
There once was a young girl named Mel,
Who had a most terrible smell.
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack.
And unleashed the forces of Hell.
65.
 Zork Score: 0 Moves: 0

>go up

Oh no it is dark!
What should you do?
You should be careful& dash;
Oops, Grue ate you.

>Start Over

64.
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a penis in the sky.
63.
"It DID, Didn't it?"
It did, it did, it did, it did.
It sure as hell fucking did.
Did it did it diddy-diddy did it?
It diddy-diddy-iddy-diddy did.
62.
Roses are Red,
Violets are sad.
You best give me some head,
Or you'll end up like Dad.
61.
Y is for the Young girls that I like to spy on.
E is for the Erections I get when I touch them.
L is for the Letters I send anonymously.
L is for the Love of cute little girls.
O is for the Orgasms I get around them .
W is for the Wish to be out on parole.

edit 60-51

60. 
Roses are Blue,
Violets are Red.
Your Daddy is gay,
I love you. (not really)
59.
My mum she is fat,
Like an LOL cat.
58.
LOL
57.
My mom
56.
The Wisdom of the Philosophers of Old
Drinking is good,
Fucking is better;
If the girl wants to drive
Then you should let her.
55.
There once was an old man from China;
Who wanted to be in a vagina,
So he flew through the air,
But to his despair,
He found himself fucking a swine-ah
54.
There was a young man from Peru.
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He tickled his penis.
And woke up with a handful of goo.
53.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Sorry about giving,
The herpes to you.
52.
Decode This
V xabj EBG13
Jba'g lbh cyrnfr tb bhg jvgu zr?
V'z irel ubeal
grejs*hhRW
51.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
I cannot rhyme,
And bananas are yellow.

edit 50-41

50.
Oh Maria please let me be blunt,
I want to be inside your cunt.
I’ll go from the back or the front,
But all that I want is to grunt.
49.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Bananas are Yellow,
And so are YOU.
48.
Roses are BLUE,
Violets are RED.
With regard TO,
The living DEAD.
47.
There once was a young man from Bern,
All day he worked at his churn.
The motion was great,
To masturbate.
Indeed ’twas a good skill to learn.
46.
Roses Are Red,
Violets Are Blue.
I have ADHD,
...Hello there Grue.
45.
Giant Pandas are Black and White.
Zebras are Black and White.
Penguins are Black and White.
Roses are Black; Violets are White.
But only under,
Ultraviolet light.
44.
I had a coaster.
I put it in the toaster.
And then my dog died.
I cried.
43.
This is one,
Of those poems,
That do not rhyme.
What is the point in those?
42.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin.
“If my ear was a twat I would fuck it.”
41.
The sky is blue,
The grass is mucky.
Geez a fag,
And a bottle of Bucky.

edit 40-31

40.
My Poems

I like to keep my poems short,

And use a simple rhyme.
But sometimes I seem to find,
There's loads of stuff I want to say,
But don't really have enough time.
-Captain Squat, 1957
39.
Everybody's got AIDS!
AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!,
Your Sister, Your Mother,
Your Brother, Your Lover,
Everybody's now got the AIDS!
-Captain AIDS, 1782
38.
Roses are Red,
My balls are too.
Put them in you're mouth,
Not one ball, but two.
37.
Heavenly Love
Megan Fox has eyes like two diamonds shining in the sea.
Her hair looks like silken caramel and I love to think of her smiling at me,
Because when she does her teeth shockflitter the pine pollen.
It swells and schools like we're inside a garlic jack-in-the-box,
Me and my Megan Fox.
I wanna fuck her.
I--it--it'd almost be worth her crushing my nuts while she was winking,
If she let me fuck her first.
I'd--I'd fuck a fox if it meant I could fuck her.
I'd let the fox fuck me, if I could fuck Megan Fox afterward.
-Perez Hilton, before he went gay.
36.
You suck. Just like this poem.
35.
Ho Chi Minh,
His manhood’s a titch.
His Dad’s a pin,
And his mom’s a bitch.
34.
There was a guy from Bandoo,
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamt of Venus,
And played with his penis,
And woke up with a handful of goo!
33.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-AAAAAAAAAAAAA
32.
Sea dogs and piña coladas,
Sweet tea in the shade.
Sunsets under a cotton umbrella,
Stars igniting wonder and imagination.
31.
This poem rules.
-Vladimir Putin

edit 30-21

30.
Social Acceptance
Roses are Red,
My ass is white,
My Daddy is Satan,
Is that alright?
29.
Where's my cock?
Where's my cock??
Oh, there it is;
Next to the microwave!
28. 
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To dig a hole to shit in.
Jack fell in and smelled like crap,
So Jill she quickly killed him.
27.
Ode to my Pickle
Pickle, oh my Pickle,
How you love it when I tickle.
I just wish you wern't so fickle,
Pickle tickle, Pickle tickle.
-Peter Piper
26.
Pie is good.
Pie is great.
Let us all,
Eat pie today.
25.
Trees are Green,
Shits are Brown.
I'll vent my Spleen,
And get out of Town.
24.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream,
As a blood covered knife wielding circus clown tries to steal our ice cream.
23.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, poo.
22.
The Life of a Soldier
A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y, why not?
21.
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue.
A red eye's a penis,
A brown eye is poo.

edit 20-11

20.
I like trains...
19.
An Actual Good Poem
There was a young man from Bombay,
Who took a slow boat to China one day,
He was pinned to the tiller
By a sex starved gorilla,
And China's a bloody long way.


18.
There once was a girl named Bo Peep,
Who really liked to fuck sheep.
They’d hump her all day,
In the barn and the hay.
And sometimes in Farmer Brown’s Jeep.
17.
Jellyfish
I don't like jellyfish.
They're not a fish,
They're just a blob.
They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas.
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.
Get rid of 'em.


16.
The Tale Of The Lost Old Man With Dementia
I’m lost.
I've no idea where I am.
And it’s pitch dark.
Fuck.
How did I get this lost?
I should’ve asked for directions back at the petrol station.
Although your man had a huge unibrow.
I always get nervous talking to strangers with unibrows.
That’s that fucking "Company of Wolves" film that put that stupid idea in my head, isn’t it?
Who was in that again?
Angela Lansbury?
She was the grandmother warning the little girl about men.
Sexist bitch.
Very liberal film actually.
All men are beasts, that was kind of the basis wasn't it?
That’s monkey spunk.
Was it any good though?
Yeah it was pretty good.
There was one great part with Stephen Rea.
Who’s he? Would I know him from anything?
He was in ‘’Angela’s Ashes’‘. He was the dad I think.
Oh yeah that guy.
Hey wait a minute.
Yeah?
Who are you?
EVERYBODY GETS PUDDING!!!
15.
There was a man from Montreal,
Who simply did no work at all.
He was doing some blow,
And fell asleep in the snow.
And woke up with only one ball.


14.
Abortion
Welcome to Planned Parenthood!
You rape 'em, we scrape 'em!
No fetus can beat us!
Your womb is our tomb!
At eating it all, we are good.
13.
The Fish
Oh, wet pet.
12.
Falling From a Bird's Nest
The egg is in a nest.
The egg is not in the nest.
The egg is rolling on a branch.
The egg is not rolling on a branch.
The egg is falling from the top of the tree.
The egg is falling fast as I can see.
The egg falls so fast so fast at high speeds.
The egg fall towards the bushes and the weeds.
The egg falls no more.
The egg is no more.
-Boris von Mittelhause, 1932 (No shit, this one’s real.)
11.
Jill.
There once was a fair maiden named Jill,
She used a dynamite stick as a do-dil,
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil,

edit 10-01

10.
My Head
My head is full of random stuff,
Like rusty bread and bits of fluff.
And talking pies with googly eyes,
And stupid stuff that doesn't rhyme.
-Mark Sinspensor, 1988
09.
You Say The Sweetest Things
Smarties, Snickers, Milky Way,
Curly-Wirly, Jaffa Cakes,
Wagon Wheel and Galaxy,
Dairy Milk and Chocolate Flakes,
Caramel and Toffee Crisp,
Toblerone, Bounty, Rolos,
Chocolate Coins, Yorkie, Penguin,
Kit-Kat, Crunchie, Dime Bar, Polos,
Terry's Orange, Mars and Twix,
Club and Chomp, Squirty Cream,
Wine Gums, Chewits, Candy Floss,
Double Decker, Skittles, Dream.
-Unknown, 2000
08.
So I was
Walking down.
The Stairs.
When suddenly...
BAM!
Gonorrhea.
07.
Mary had a BMX,
She rode it back to front,
Every time the peddles turned,
The seat went up her cunt.
-Armitage Shanks, 1847
06.
There once was a fat man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Within half an hour,
His dick was a flower,
And his balls were all covered in weeds,
-Morgan Freeman, 1995
05.
A Followup to the Ode to The Green Leaf of Life, etc,
OR
Please With Peanut Butter and Sparkly Sparkles on Top!!
OR
I Like Peanut Butter and Sparkly Sparkles on Top!!
Lets all have a sprinkle of toffee,
On our coffee-bleeding wrists.
I'll emote coffee all over you (LOL)
- Mr. Bartholimu-Regius Artimus Treelo III
04.
Sophie is a Dirty Whore
There once was a chick from Nantucket,
Who really knew how to suck it,
She sucked it hard,
And she sucked it long,
She sucked it like a hippie's Bong
-Joe Momma, 1947
03.
Douglas Adams
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me,
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!
-Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, 1979
02.birthday song
happy birthday to you,happy birthday to you
you belong in a zoo
with kids acting likemonkeys and parents like donkeys
and pedophiles like you
-Monk-dick-poo ,since barbie came into existence
01.
Takin’ a Shit
Bent over while seated on the squatter,
Your ass almost touching the water.
You grunt, heave and strain,
Feeling naught but the pain.
You groan as if being raped by Lance Bass,
Until finally, that huge log is passed.
-Johnny Shittorum 1543
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