Worst 100 Rejected Harry Potter Novels

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Worstlist
99 April Fools Jokes
98 Firefox extensions
97 Foods
96 Gifts to give a friend
95 Harry Potter Spin-offs
94 Inventions
93 Locations
92 LOL Cats
91 Make Out Songs
90 Moments to get a Boner
89 Moments to Laugh
88 Money Making Schemes
87 Movies
86 Nonexistent Words
85 Not In The Least Bit Sexual Things To Do With No Pants On
84 Nutty Conspiracy Theories
83 Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
82 Pick-up lines
81 Pokemon Cash-Ins
79 Things we learn from movies
78 Reasons to become a Christian
77 Reflections on 2005
76 Reflections on 2006
75 Reflections on 2007
74 Reflections on 2008
73 Reflections on 2009
72 Reflections on 2010
71 Reflections on 2011
70 Reflections on 2012
69 Reflections on 2013
68 Reflections on 2014
67 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
66 Remakes
65 Restaurants
64 Self Help Books
63 Sequels
62 Sexual Perversions
61 Short Poems
60 Sitcom Catchphrases
59 Songs
58 Songs about Seagulling
57 Songs Referencing Paedophilia
56 Songs To Have Sex To
55 Songs To Play At A Funeral
54 Spinoffs
53 Superheroes
52 Things About the '00s
51 Things Rick Astley is Never Gonna Do
50 Things to do during Christmas
49 Things to Put In An IV
48 Things To Say In Court
47 Things to Say in the Workplace
46 Things to say on a First Date
45 Toys
44 TV Programs
43 Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
42 Video Games of all time‎
41 Video Game Movies
40 Video Game Systems
39 Ways To Be Castrated
38 Ways to be Circumcized
37 Ways to Deliver Bad News
36 Ways to Die (Best)
35 Ways to Die (Worst)
34 Ways to Kill Sarah Connor
33 Ways to Start a Novel
32 Ways to Win an Argument
31 Weapons
30 Rock Bands

With over 1 billion copies of Harry Potter books being sold every minute, it's pretty obvious that this particular money cow is to be milked for all its worth. J. K. Rowling has, to date, penned 2,547.4 Harry Potter books - the vast majority of which were deemed too believable for fans to comprehend The result of which is a massive back catalogue of unreleased Harry Potter material. Each story had a title, and below is a list of the worst 100 of the thousands that were suggested, worked upon and, in some cases, completed. (Note to future editors, McGonagall's name is spelled McGonagall)

The List

110 - 91

110. Harry Potter and the Enchanted Laserdisc
Harry finds that the way to defeat Voldemort is hidden in a Criterion Collection laserdisc. The book ends with Harry finding it in the Boogie Nights laserdisc. The book was 7000 pages long, with 100 pages devoted to each laserdisc Harry looks at. The book was never published because it was finished around the time DVDs took the market by storm. J.K. Rowling attempted a rewrite that replaced laserdiscs with DVDs, but it took too long, so she just gave it to a homeless man.
109. Harry Potter and the Trip to East London
Harry, Ron, Neville and Hermione try to Apparate to Diagon Alley but instead end up in a mysterious place. What are all these high tower blocks, sexual graffiti, and 11 year olds smoking crack? Neville gets killed straight away. Ron mistakes a hoodie for a dementor, and screams out "Expecto Patronum!" He then gets shanked and mugged, Hermione rapes a Cocker Spaniel, and Harry gets another scar on his ass.
108.Harry Potter and the Convicted Rapist
Harry discovers that Hagrid is actually a convicted sex offender, and makes a disturbing discovery when he visits his hut at midnight when Ron goes missing...
107. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (First Draft)
Exactly the same as the published version, except Harry's scar wasn't on his forehead. Page 99: Harry dropped his pants to show the lightning scar on his left testicle. Ron stared. Page 126: The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell's turban straight into Harry's eyes - and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry's testicle. "Ouch!" Harry clapped a hand to his crotch. The teacher noticed the action and smiled lovingly at Harry. Page 148 also contained a short part where Dumbledore examined Harry's scar...
106. Harry Potter and the Feces Flinging Monkey
This year at Genitalwarts, Harry turns Ron into a monkey. The monkey decides to start fling his crap at every student he sees. Can Harry avoid getting his shirt soiled? Can Ron the monkey eat his own feces? Will PETA take monkey Ron away and make creepy human animal hybrids with him like in that awesome South Park episode?
105. Harry Potter and the Orgy of the Penis
In this charming tale, Harry takes it up the bum by Hagrid, Ron gets ass-blasted into another dimension, and Snape gets blown by Malfoy. Narrated by Jim Dale.
104. Harry Potter and the Magical Manhattan Transfer
Harry finds a magical tube which allows him to transfer his load with He Who Must Not Be Named.
103. Harry Potter and the Suddenly Growing Man-Boobs
After Hermoine fucked Ron , Harry didn't find a way to forget but to drink and eat . Unfortunately , it was little too much to eat.
102. Harry Potter and the Quest For the Holy Grail
Ron fumbles the count and wastes a perfectly good Holy Handgrenade on the family car. Meanwhile, Harry is trapped in the tower with the strange girls. He somehow is trapped. You'd really think he'd be able to overcome them. We find out that Hermione's mother was a hampster, and her father smelt of elderberries.
101. Harry Pothead and the Doped Up Prince.
‘Roid rage! Harry gets banned from Hogwarts Football team for using and sharing his ‘roids with his fellow teammates.
100. Harry Potter and the Dick in a Box.
Harry's new birthday present is a dick in a box. Most people ask Harry why his box has a small, bald hamster in it, but Draco saw it once and dashed off to the gent's toilet. The next day he was treated for a mysterious right-wrist cramp.
99. Harry Potter and the Fucking Big Chickens
Chickens have overrun Hogwarts! Can Harry save the day, and forget what he saw Hagrid doing in his house with one of the chickens half way through the plot?
98. Harry Potter and the Messy Bedsheets
All of those midnight feasts get to Harry, and after a prolonged session of Butter Beer dirty sheets ensue. What... what else did you think I meant?
97. Harry Potter and the False Accusations
Grafitti starts to appear in the men's lavvy in Hogwarts proclaiming that Harry Potter is "A big gay poofwizard" and "hung like a Limpwuitted Virginmouse". He refutes these claims, often in ways that violate numerous sexual assault laws, but the culprit turns out to be Ron Weasley, violently jealous of Harry's popularity.
96. Harry Potter and the Illegal Hooch
Strange bubbling sounds can be heard from the Gryffindor bedrooms, but it's not Polyjuice Potion or a bizarre initiation ritual... it's Harry's stash of illegal alcohol. Can he stay sober enough to drink through it all before Snape discovers what he's done? And just what DID he get up to the night before that made his ass so sore...?
95. Harry Potter and the Misunderstood Proposition
Harry tells Ron a joke who takes it literally and the next morning tells everyone that Harry Potter... yes, THE Harry Potter proposed to him. And he's said yes! Watch as Harry tries not to hurt his friend's feelings as Ron prepares the wedding, choosing Neville Longbottom as his best man and writing the wedding speech. Unfortunately, after Ron reads Harry's Facebook status (Harry Potter: Is shitting himself) he twigs and commits suicide by cutting off his genitals and mailing them to Harry.
94. Harry Potter and the Bizarre Stoat Ritual
Harry is asked to join a new club, which is full of sexual vampires hot girls. He can't wait to join. The initiation ceremony is tomorrow. But what is all that weird squeaking from that box over there? And why are some of the new people at Bogwarts sort of furry, like their mother was a stoat.
93. Harry Potter and the Frozen Shrimp Gimp.
It would be better if we didn't go into this...
92. Harry Potter and the Legal Action Against Snape
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SNAPE, I DO NOT HAVE A FRICKIN' HIPPOGRIFF FETISH!! I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!!
91. Harry Potter and the Experimentation
After an enlargement attempt gone badly wrong, Harry finds himself with a major self-esteem problem. Can he get his most precious part back before his vowed teabagging of Hermione on the last day of term?

90 - 81

90. Harry Potter and the Hashish Stash
When Dumbledore looks slightly less sane than usual, Harry Potter beings a desperate race to uncover the reason. It couldn't possibly be Harry's secret weed stash, surely?
89. Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned (sequel to 90)
Harry, after convincing Dumbledore to take acid instead of weed (which involves Dumbledore falling to his death from the tallest tower, but it's all good, right?) is now back on his hash and, after taking an unusually large dose, finds himself as the prime minister of Britain, married to 2 old men and his own dad.
88. Harry Potter and the Criminal Investigation (sequel to 89)
It looks like Harry Potter's antics are up for good when Inspector Dawhoreis Underage comes to Hogwarts. Can Harry Potter bribe her? And does he even want to when he finds out what the bribe is?
87. Harry Potter and the Entire Gallon of Hagrid's Spunk.
Harry is beginning to regret this dare. Still, a hero's gotta do what a hero's gotta do.
86. Harry Potter and the Successful Operation Valkyrie
Didn't go after Hitler. He and Ron went after Sonny Liston for knocking out that mule. They got his ass, too. Hermione fucked a hippogriff.
85. Harry Potter and Snape's on a Plane
I'M SICK OF THESE MUTHA F*CKIN' SNAPES ON THIS MUTHA F*CKING PLANE!
84. Harry Potter and the Half-Naked Prince.
There is a new arrival at Hogwarts because of the Bi-wizard tournament. But why does Hermione suddenly have trouble doing her homework and needs to be alone in her room? And why did Harry see the guy without any trousers the other day.
83. Harry Potter and the Dining in Hell
"Service was poor, the waiters were rude, the food took ages getting here, when it did it was burnt and there were 300 really annoying, noisy Spartans on the next table! I'm never coming here again!"
82. Harry Potter and the Night in Vegas
Harry and the gang's first attempt at illegal Apparition goes horribly wrong when they end up in a hot tub in a Vegas hotel, with nothing on but a Weird Sisters song and a bottle of Firewhiskey. (Wait, did I say it went wrong?)
81. Harry Potter Trapped in R. Kelly's Closet
J. K. Rowling was sued by Kelly before she could make any piss jokes, which was interesting as Kelly's act of suing was admission that he had pissed on a girl. The case was thrown out, along with the book.

80 - 71

80. Harry Potter and the Secret of the Giant Squid
Harry finds out just how much Hagrid loves animals...
79. Harry potter and the Return of Colin Creepy.
Colin Creepy, the weird kid who sold "value" photos of first form girls to Hagrid and was expelled for writing "Albus Mumsawhore has a troll fetish," is back. Harry has decided to ignore this and carry on with his showers all alone at the edge of the school. But what is that weird clicking noise? And why are girls pointing at him in the corridors and sniggering?
78. Harry Potter and the Waste of 400 Pages
It breaks the fourth wall.
77. Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis
There's a new club at Hogwart's and Harry is intrigued. However, he soon regrets his decision after the initiation ceremony begins...
76. Harry Potter and the Doping Scandal
There's only one way for Harry to catch Dumbledore's eye...
HP and the doping scandal

Entry 76. The cover was deemed too offensive to steroid abusers, and so was shelved indefinitely.

75. Harry Potter and the Female Fertility Potion
Sort of a sequel to Harry Potter and the Doping Scandal.
74. Harry Potter and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Very funny, Rowling.
73. Harry Potter and the Empire Strikes Back
Last warning, Rowling.
72. Hairy Potter and the Copyright Infringement
We f*cking told you, Rowling!
71. Harry Potter and the Battle Royale
When a Hogwart's gay is attacked by a Hogwart’s straight, a massive fight breaks out, with the straights and gays against each other. The school divided 50:50, the battle lasts for days until one of the gays straights (Harry) uses the spell Dildous Maximus, causing all the gays to gaze in awe at it until they are all killed.

70 - 61

70. Harry Potter and the Spinning Grave of Tolkien
Connect him to a motor and you can power New York for a year, man!
69. Harry Potter and the Adolescent Sniggering at the Number 69
There's nothing funny about the number 69. At least that's what Ginny said. Ron didn't think so either when he caught them...
68. Harry Potter and the Accusations Surfacing on Myspace
After some of Harry's Friday night vices get out on Myspace, he is desperate to prove them wrong. Can he do it? And can he afford the child support should he fail?
67. Harry Potter and the Semi-Believable Character
"My name is Cornholio! I need t.p. for my bunghole!!"
66. Harry Potter and the Easter Eggs of Doom
Voldemort has hidden doomsday Easter Eggs in Hogwarts. Can Harry find them before they hatch into evil copies of Hogwarts students? If he can't these evil copies will run around the school making clucking noises and do other embarrassing things.
65. Harry Potter and the Regrettable Drugs Experience
Harry accidently summons a Psychedelic Toad (Bofu Alvarius) instead of a common toad. The Hallucinogenic sweat puts Harry in a Purple Haze.
64. Harry Potter and the Sudden Appearance of Strange Hair.
Harry is unexpectedly overcome with strange emotions for Malfoy. But when he finds out their love is forbidden, he becomes hooked on cocaine and absinth, and is expelled for projectile vomiting over Professor McGonagall.
63. Harry Potter and the Fagging Incident
Not that type of fag. Harry Potter was accused of using first years to empty his chamberpot. So what? OK, maybe making them drink it is a little harsh, but Dumbledore pees directly into their mouths. At least, that's what it looks like...
62. Harry Potter and the 'Pull My Finger' Joke
It was not a normal joke. The school had been serving bean hash for lunch that day. Trelawny was blown into the lake and kidnaped by lesbian nymphs. Mission successful!
61. Harry Potter and Your Mom
It lasted 2 hours and it was the cheapest Harry ever got. He'll be using her again!

60 - 51

60. Harry Potter and the Right-Wrist Cramp
After Harry has been looking at the most restricted part of the library, he finds himself with cramps in his right wrist. Can he make the teachers believe he got it from writing? And what will the next user of the book do when they see the stains?
59. Harry Potter and the Wand of Satisfaction (prequel to 60).
When Harry Potter is being chased through the library by Mick Shagga, he discovers a secret, extra-restricted section. But after he has looked at He for a while, he seems to realize that he has been here for several days. Hermione becomes suspicious. There's only one type of book that Harry would spend that long looking at...
58. Harry Potter and Rule 34
When Harry forgets Rule 34 and accidentally initiates the Manhunt, Ron has to hide in the forest, accused of raping the school's beloved pet furby. Can Harry convince the school that it is a mistake? And how will Ron manage in the all-male centaur crew in the middle of the forest?
57. Harry Potter and the Sudden Urge to Become an Emo
Follow the trail of bloodspiders! Follow the trail of blood spiders! Yaaaaaay! Hey what the? Harry?
56. Harry Potter and the Man-Eating Cannabis Plant
When Harry buys a dodgy plant from Dogdungus Letcher, things start to go awfully wrong when the plant gets the whole of Gryffindor pree-tty high.
55. Harry Potter and the Physical
"Dumbledore ran his fingers down Harry's leg one last time (to check for moles). "Now Harry," he said "I'm going to tie you down and begin my anal examination. it involves inserting my 'probe' into your anus and shaking it around for about two minutes. It's extremely tiring and I will make some strange noises. I just want you to keep your blindfold on, and think happy thoughts. Then I will give you a Breathalyzer test. Keep breathing hard on it until some sample medicine comes out. You are then free to go."
54. Harry Potter and the 87 Hour Marathon World of Warcraft Session
This caused several first-years to drop dead from exhaustion. Maybe it's a serial killing, as they all have a close-up of a night elf on the screen and some yogurt (?) on the floor near them.
53. Harry Potter and the Disgusting Fantasies About McGonagall
It involves a wand, a broomstick and a vat of Mr. Mackniffles wonder jelly. I'm saying nothing more.
52. Harry Potter and the Love Bomb
Snape tries to subdue McGonagall with a 5 ton Rhypnol bomb. His attempt fails and the bomb simply asplodes, trapping Harry, Ron And Hermione in a room, with food and water but nothing to do until they are eventually rescued. But why does Ron seem so reluctant to join in with Harry and Hermione? A little wrestling never hurt anyone, right? At least it looks like wrestling. Hermione is certainly making some interesting battle cries.
51. Harry Potter and the Slash Fiction
After a book with a drawing of Harry snogging Ron (drawn in crayon) is released and everyone believes it. Can Harry ever convince the hot girls he is straight? And what will happen if Mick Shagga finds out? Meanwhile, the crayoner is drawing more pictures...

50 - 41

50. Harry Potter and the Internet History
When Harry's internet history is posted on the school wall, he has some difficult explaining to do to Ron. He doesn't know some of the words...
49. Harry Potter and the Time They Just Sat There For 300 Pages
It had a good plot line.
48. Harry Potter and the Discovery of the Fetish
Harry is shocked to learn that he has a rare and legendary troll fetish. Can he hide his new double life from his fans? What will Ron do when he sees Harry masturbating to troll porn?
47. Harry Potter and the Artist Formerly Known as the Half-Blood Prince.
Lord Baldyfart is winning his great battle against Harry until the artist formerly known as Prince turns up and scares Baldyfart away using his very high and EXTREMELY ANNOYING voice.
46. Harry Potter and the Pimping of his Ride
When Malfoy brags his broomstick is bigger than Harry's, Harry sets out to fix the situation, with Dumbledore's help, of course.
HP and the pimping of the ride

One of the few finished titles that went so far as jacket design

45. Harry Potter and the Vibrating Broomstick
Harry modified his Nimbus 2000, intending to use it to teach Hermione how to "fly", but Prof. Snape has got hold of it. There's only one way to get if back...
44. Harry Potter and the Pubic Hair Found in the Gryffindor Bathroom
After a 16-foot pubic hair is found strangling people in the bathroom, Harry Begins a desperate quest to stop it. But what will he do when he learns it Hermione's?
43. Harry Potter and the Wand of Fire (originally titled The World of Magical STDs)
After Harry Potter gets up to his Friday night fun once too often, he suddenly notices that his favorite magical wand burns. Can he face the embarrassment of showing the school nurse? And what will he do when she takes it and puts right in the middle of her-
42. Harry Potter and the Cursed Condom (sequel to 43)
After Harry's misadventure with Aslutta Nebronia, Harry decides that he should start using a condom. Hilarious misadventures ensue as it splits before raping Aslutta and then lodging itself firmly in Harry's nose.
41. Harry Potter and the Premature Baldness
Ron's April Fool joke proves very hard to reverse. Harry has to invent a Hairy Formula.

40 - 31

40. Harry Potter and the Hairy Goblet (sequel to 41)
Harry gets his Hairy Formula on Snape's drinking goblet.
39. Harry Potter and the Overdue Library Book
Malfoy has stolen and hidden a library book Harry had checked out. Harry must avoid the librarian while going to classes, Quidditch training, etc. until he finds the book or he will face the merciless wrath of the legendary Mick Shagga. Some say he doesn't exist, but the number of dead first years found bleeding through a hole in the back of their skin-tight leather thongs does create quite an argument...
38. Harry Potter and the Happy Hemorrhoid
Harry has a hemorrhoid and it has a mind and life of it's own. It sings and talks constantly, it's having a great time making it look like Harry's talking out of his ass. This of course gets Harry sent to detention.
37. Harry Potter and the Hairy Proctologist (sequel to 38)
Harry's hemorrhoid enters a story long battle with the school's proctologist. The Asplosions destroy parts of Hogwarts.
36. Harry Potter and the Attack of the Asploding Diarrhea (prequel to 38)
After there are asplosed patches all the way from the school toilets to the Griffyndor common room, people begin to wonder who caused this problem. When Harry's bed is found to have asploded, there is the ususal Friday night angry mob. However, Harry soon wins their friendship back by aiming it at teachers. The teachers don't mind, as it's not the first time that they've been right up to their necks in sh-t.
35. Harry Potter and the Misplaced Vanishing Cream
The thing about vanishing cream is that the jar vanishes when the cream is put in, good luck finding it.
34. Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets
There's a secret in that overflowing chamber pot! Does Harry dare to get to the bottom of it? Can he stand the smell? And why was Ron sitting in the pot, With no pants?
33. Harry Potter and the Late Night Visits to Grandma Weasley
Perfectly innocent, I tell ya! Harry just wanted to... erm... borrow some sugar, okay!
32. Harry Potter and the Slytherin Ass
Slytherin House has gotten a new mascot called the Diabolical Donkey which Harry finds strangely attractive.
31. Harry Potter and the Drunken Confession (sequel to 32)
Harry gets disgusted with himself for his relationship with the Diabolical Donkey. This drives him to drink and confess to Malfoy, the donkey's caretaker.

30 - 21

30. Harry Potter, the Invisibility Cloak and the Girl's Shower Room
After Malfoy tells Harry Potter that a bizarre ritual goes on every night in the girl's shower room Harry Potter's curiosity gets the better of him. Donning his invisibility cloak he goes to see what's going on. Unfortunately, that night, it's McGonagall's turn to clean up, forcing Harry to burn his own mental imagery out of his mind permanently using the spell "Forgetabouitus".
Harry ron

A scene from the film adaption The Crystal Ball Of Porn, starring porn actress Ginny Weasley.

29. Harry Potter and the Crystal Ball of Porn
Following a prolonged rummaging of Hagrid's little home, Harry stumbles across a slightly stained crystal orb. Later, whilst in bed, he discovers that this crystal ball can create any type of porn he can imagine. Unfortunately Ron eventually comes across it and has a go, disgusting Harry with the un-natural, freaky car-crash of a porn scene that emerges. Soon it's written all over the walls what Ron fantasizes about, ultimately leading to Ron making the series' first suicide; by hanging (by the balls).
28. Harry Potter and the Hentai Girls
Fearing the Japanese not liking her Harry Potter series, Rowling decided to feature some of their tastes in her new book. Harry hits upon a 16 year old schoolgirl in a sailor's school uniform who has disproportional legs and massive eyes. Unfortunately, this long, often graphically described story (reading from right to left, back to front) turns out to be a dream, leading to an embarrassing trip to the Hogwarts dry-cleaners.
27. Harry Potter and the 3 Stooges Meet Frankenstein and Dracula
An attempt at cross-promotion. Unfortunately this title only reached draft stage before the proverbial corporate copyright monkey shat on her from a great height, so it never got written.
26. Harry Potter, the Bad and the Ugly
Harry finds himself in the American southwest dealing with gunslingers. This book featured the quickest death when Ron accidentally shoots himself in the head on page 3.
25. Harry Potter and the Mississippi Goddamn
This was Rowling's only acknowledgment of the Southeastern United States' Bible-thumpin' hatred of the series. Of the opinion that sins are a matter of degrees, she banked on the marketability of deliberately pissing off the Confederacy. This, she hoped, would draw attention away from the witchcraft elements. Never even made it past her agents. Although she did try to write it in the style of William Faulkner.
24. Harry Potter and the Time He Jizzed His Pants
Hermione learned the spell ‘’Facio Climactium! Swish and flick.
23. Harry Potter and the Garden of Lesbians.
Sequel to number 24.
22. Harry Potter and the Garage he Had to Clean
Remarkably, there turned out to be no spell for cleaning Hagrid's garage, but what will Harry do when he finds some of Dumbldore's robes covered in yogurt (?) stains? And does he want to know what is in that box marked "Dumbledore, Flitwick and Snape"?
21. Harry Potter and the Spell Gone Wrong
Harry uses the Engorgio charm on his wand, and now he can't get it to shrink. Fortunately, Professor Dumbledore was glad to help...

20 - 11

20. Harry Potter and J. K. Rowlings's Leftover Ideas
If Harry Potter hadn't originally been intended as a children's book, well some of the monsters in it... Phew!! Enough to give your mum a heart attack! And that's saying something!!
19. Harry Potter and the Stained Book
When Harry finds an Extra-Restricted Section book covered in yogurt (?) stains under Ron's bed, he takes it to class to look at, only to hand it in to Snape by mistake at the end of term.
18. Harry Potter and the Potion Final
In an effort to boost his grade to passing, Harry finds out just how greasy the rest of Snape's hair is. (sequel to 19)
17. Harry Potter and the 790 Pages of Cowboy Buttsex.
A new kid has come to the school, and is selling this new book called "Dick-Butt Mountain". Harry soon realizes that it is full of man-porn. (It's man porn?! How was I supposed to know that?). But why is the book so popular? And why does Harry's book have yogurt (?) on all the pages? Whatever happens, it sure is darn tasty yogurt...
16. Harry Potter and the Rock Lobster
This novel would have come with a C.D. by the B-52's with the song Rock Lobster and several previously unreleased songs.
15. Harry Potter and the Wetback Border Patrols
Far and away the most violent of the series.
14. Harry Potter and the Aladdin Magic Carpet Acid Trip
Harry jumped off highest tower on a 'magic' carpet. Did not end well. Hermione was not at all impressed by his weird song.
13. Harry Potter and the Imploding Testicles
Ron's testicles, page 339. Fucker had it coming.
12. Harry Potter and the Pisspot of Brownsville
Introduces a new character named "Sheriff L. T. Bell," who strikingly resembles Tommy Lee Jones.
11. Harry Potter and the Crystal Meth Explosion
The tragic death of Sheriff L. T. Bell. (sequel to 12)

10 - 1

10. Harry Potter and the Jumped Up Frenchman
Harry is in trouble. Hénry has come to Hogwarts and is proving to be a better 'chosen one' than him, with much more smarm and lip-curling. Can Harry hold his jealousy back enough to avoid suspicion when the body eventually surfaces down at the lake?
9. Harry Potter and the Time He Busted a Nut in Hermione's Hair
She was not amused. And he couldn't stop laughing.
8. Harry Potter and the Nine Foot Tall Unicorn He Thought He Saw
LSD's a hell of a drug, man.
7. Harry Potter Gets Laid
Who could it be? Hermione? Ginny? Hagrid? Ron? Snape? Hedwig? Read the book...if you dare!!!
6. Harry Potter and the Battle of Stalingrad
Draco Malfoy catches a 20MM anti-tank round through both nuts. Ginny Weasley catches the same bullet through the mouth at the same time.
5. Harry Potter and the Torture Chamber of Mistress Sadism
Contains the deaths of most of the major characters, including the three Weasleys. The book was later renamed "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" and released.
4. Harry Potter and Your Mom
A strange ugly woman comes to Hogwarts and whips up a love potion for our young hero.
3. Harry Potter and the Half Blond Princess
Harry discovers that the hair on the rest of the princess's body is not blond.
2. Harry Potter and the Bet He Couldn't Lose
Harry loses a bet with Ron about Hermione's bra size. As a result, Harry has to spend the night in Hagrid's cabin. Did he really have a coughing fit while eating a gallon jug of yogurt? And why does Harry keep sneaking back to Hagrid's place?
1. Harry Potter and the Sorceress Sorority's Ballbusting Gangrape
Actually a pretty non-eventful book that was misleadingly titled to try and flog yet more from this dying cashcow. Although one good highlight was when Ron was caught rifling through McGonagall's underwear drawer.
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