Worst reasons to become a Christian
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“So, if I became a Christian ... how much money did you say I would save on my car insurance?”
Becoming a Christian is a really easy thing to do. And it's fun! Just look at all these advantages!
- 100. You get a 20-percent discount on your wireless phone plan.
- 99. You are moral even if your behavior says otherwise.
- 98. You have access to the explanation that "God did it"™ in case you're losing an argument.
- 97. You are allowed claim moral high ground when losing an argument.
- 96. You know what your purpose in life is, even if it's according to someone else.
- 95. You get to tell other people what their purpose in life is.
- 94. You have to be circumcised
- 93. You'll never go to hell, simply because you believe you're going to heaven.
- 92. You only have one God, which saves the trouble of having to pray to multiple ones like with that polytheistic rubbish.
- 91. You'll never have to discuss Harry Potter in depth with your children.
- 90. You'll get to read a wide assortment of fine Christian literature, especially anything by Tim LaHaye.
- 89. You don't need a bookshelf because you only need one book.
- 88. You'll never have to actually refute any points that aren't part of the Bible.
- 87. You'll immediately turn heterosexual. If you don't, then that's proof that you don't Believe enough. (The circularity of this argument is one of the Mysteries that you'll learn in advanced Christianity.)
- 86. You'll somehow achieve "spiritual enlightenment" which, by the way, you have to believe is something that people other than Christians don't have.
- 85. You don't have to believe anything other than church-approved goodthink.
- 84. You get free membership in the Republican Party.
- 83. You learn about the the places in which the bible does not contradict itself.
- 82. You forget about the passages in the bible that do.
- 81. Historical documents that are thousands of years old will suddenly become more reliable than modern research.
- 80. You can get all whiny about how unfair life is and how oppressed you are and have the added bonus of knowing people like you are running the country.
- 79. Everyone who disagrees with you will suddenly become ignorant.
- 78. You can be cited as an expert without needing actual credentials.
- 77. Everyone is doing it! (Heathens are not people)
- 76. When people swear, you can further infuriate them by saying "Do not use God's name in vain!"
- 75. Keitei is one.
- 75. You can finally understand why you have a P3-450 Katmai Slot 1 CPU sitting next to your desk.
- 74. If you don't Jesus will hunt you down... He sees you when you're sleeping...
- 73. Because George W. Bush told you to.
- 72 Because God declared Niezschte dead
- 71. Because you're a geek nerd, and your mother is a teacher
- 70. You will have two fathers - think of the money you could borrow...
- 69. Because you touch yourself at night...
- 68. Because you are ALWAYS right and so are Christians...
- 67. You save 15% on your car insurance by switching to Christianity!!!
- 66. You don't have to worry about global warming or the people left behind that fry.
- 65. Your car came with a fish thingy and you were too lazy to scrape it off.
- 64. Christian goths will protect you from the kids next door if Jesus is too busy.
- 63. God will smite a Grue if you can say the "Infinite Prayer" which only takes 200 years.
- 62. You can watch unlimited amounts of porn since the Bible says it's okay to "watch, but don't touch." Ezekiel 25.17 (If you are Catholic, that particular rule is not applicable when young boys are near)
- 61. Because you are having trouble "hooking up" at bars.
- 60. Because you actually think that you will find a submissive wife who "obeys" her husband.
- 59. You think that you will receive a big tax break by tithing to the church.
- 58. They suckered you in with a pancake breakfast and a couple of pot luck suppers.
- 57. You fell asleep during the A.A. meeting in the church basement on Saturday and when you woke up it was Sunday morning and someone was making coffee.
- 56. Free Parking during the service
- 55. You are hoping someone will actually come and visit you the next time you are in the hospital.
- 54. A Church committee will send flowers to your widow when you "go home to be with the Lord."
- 53. "Going home to be with the Lord" has more aesthetic appeal in an obituary than simply "passing away."
- 52. You quit drinking and you no longer have a reason to be giddy during the Christmas season.
- 51. God will forgive you for maxing out your credit cards and stealing during his birthday.
- 50. Because it was hot outside and they were baptising.
- 49. Because you have a thing for watered down grape juice and stale crackers.
- 48. Because you think that you will finally be able to understand what Pat Robertson is saying when he speaks in those other tongues.
- 47. Because that nice young man standing next to you at the Promise Keepers will put his arm around you.
- 46. Because you are tired of the blatant hypocrisy that you witness around you everyday and you will only see these people on Sundays.
- 45. Because if you do, you will avoid the Stomping of 500 Foot Jesus
- 44. Two words... Bingo Night.
- 43. Where else can you drink wine on a Sunday morning and not look like an alcoholic?
- 42. You just can't seem to get laid. (You can pretend to be waiting until marriage without looking like too much of a nerd.)
- 41. You can say that you have obtained success in life because "God loves you".
- 40. Because you can quote lines from the bible in a badass way to scare unbelievers
- 39. Because it counts as a job.
- 38. Because you're homeless and you just wandered in.
- 37. Christians are allowed to steal. Right? Right?
- 36. To make those people that stand out in the street while preaching the bible where EVERYONE can hear finally shut up.
- 35. Anyone who disagrees with you is ignorant of the facts. You do not need to indicate what those facts are or where to find them, merely inform the person you are arguing with repeatedly of their ignorance until they see the Truth.
- 34. Hey everybody's doing it. It is "in" right know. But next week it might be Hinduism.
- 33. Because my Menorah fell over and burned down my house.
- 32. Because I God is free health insurance.
- 31. Because whatever I do at least 2 billion people won't think it's crazy.
- 30. The only way you'll become president.
- 29. Obtain "700 Club Wonder-Twin Powers"
- 28. Finally know how a Slinky(tm) really works.
- 27. No need to be ashamed if you fail at anything in your life- everything happens because Jesus wants it to.
- 26. To edit Conservapedia
- 25. Free wine.
- 24. You can get angry at people who don't agree with you.
- 23. You'll only ever have to read one book.
- 22. Boredom.
- 21. You get to wrestle with lions...YOU GET TO WRESTLE LIONS!!!
- 20. You get to hang-out with Cardinal Glick (star of the movie Dogma).
- 19. Free tickets to the Apostils basketball games when they're in town! (They always play against the Harlem Globetrotters)
- 18. You can change your name from something foreign, impossible to spell and hard to pronounce to something like Bob or Biff or Buffy.
- 17. Spend $5.00 on the internet to become a priest and you can molest all the choirboys you want. (Why didn't M.J. think of this?)
- 16. You can become anorexic and have got a reason to fast. (I'm christian, you jerk!)
Because you can say things like the following, and no one will mind, because you're Christian:
...Kick your ass!
I want you off this set, you prick!
–Christian. –I’m sorry.
No don’t just be sorry, THINK for one second! What ARE YOU! DOING? Are you a professional or not?
–Yes, I am.
Do Ip walk around and rip down-
–Christian, Christian, Christian. Your dick is absolutely gargantuan...
no shut up, Bryce-
–We can talk about it. Come on!
Don’t shut me up!
–I’m not shutting you up.
Am I gonna walk around and rip your fuckin’ lights down,
in the middle of a scene? Then why the are you walkin’ right through? Ah, duh-duh, duh, duh, like this in the background. What the FUCK is it with you? What don’t you’ understand? You got ANY idear
–No, no, no.
about “Hey, it’s fuckin’ distracting!” having somebody walkin’ up behind Bryce in the middle of the fuckin’ SCENE! GIMMEE A FUCKIN’ ANSWER!
–I don't get it, Christian.
WHAT DON’T YOU GET ABOUT IT?
–I was…looking at the light.
OHHHH, GOOOOOD FOR YOU. And how was it? I hope it was fuckin’ good because it’s useless now, isn’t it?
For FUCK’s sake, man, you’re amateur. McG, you got fuckin’ somethin’ to say to this prick?
-–I didn’t see it happen!
Well, somebody should be fuckin’ watchin, and keepin’ an eye on him!
This is the second time that he doesn’t give a FUCK about what’s goin’ on in front of the camera!
I’m trying to fuckin’ do a scene here and I’m goin’, “Why the fuck is Shane walkin’ in there? What is he doin’ there? Do you understand, my mind is not IN the scene if you’re doin’ that.
–I-I absolutely apologize. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing anything bad.
Stay off the fuckin’ set man. For FUCK’s sake. Right, let’s go again.
–Just take a minute and…
Let’s not take a fuckin’ minute! Let’s GO AGAIN! And let’s not have YOU fuckin’ walkin’ in! Can I have time-a put this on please? Time wardrobe please, can we have time for wardrobe? You’re unbelievable man. You’re unfuckinbelievable. Number of times you’re strollin’ a-fuckin’ round in the background. I never had a DP behave like this. Ah, you don’t fuckin’ understand what it’s like workin’ with actors. That’s what that is.
–Lord Jesus and the shepherds, Christian, that's a monumental penis!
THAT’s what that IS, man, I’m tellin’ you! I’m not askin’, I’m tellin’ you! You wouldna done that otherwise!
–No, what it is is looking at the light and making sure that everything – you are looking –
I’m gonna fuckin’ kick your fuckin’ ass, you don’t shut up for a second, alright? [sounds of Christian rushing to beat up poor DP.]
–Whoa, come on.
–Christian, Christian, Christian. Okay, just hold on.
I’m gonna go—do you want me to go fuckin’ trash your lights?
–Christian, Christian, wait.
Do you want me to FUCKIN’ trash ‘em? Then why are you trashin’ my scene?
–I’m not trying to trash…
YOU ARE TRASHIN’ MY SCENE!
You do that one more fuckin’ time, and I ain’t walkin’ on this set if you’re still hired. I’m fuckin’ serious. You’re a nice guy. You’re a nice guy. But that don’t fuckin’ cut it when you’re bullshittin’ and fuckin’ around like this on set.
--I love you, Christian.
Yeah, you might get it, but he doesn’t fuckin’—
--I do get it, Christian.
You might, he does NOT GET IT!
--Jesus loves you, too, Christian, let's just try walkin' for 5 minutes.
No I don’t need any fuckin’ walkin’! And I love Jesus! But he needs to STOP walkin’! I ain’t the one walkin’! Let’s get time, let’s put this back on, let’s go again.
--Okay, Christian, okay. Everything's cool and the gang.
Seriously man, you and me, we’re fuckin’ DONE professionally. Fuckin’ ass.