According to the ancient god Atlas (who knows about these kinds of things), the following are the Worst 100 Locations Anywhere.* Readers who don't believe him are encouraged to visit all 100 to find out for themselves.
- * not including places George W. Bush or Britney Spears have bombed. That just wouldn't be fair.
100 - 91Edit
- Built around an ancient castle that housed a woman who suffered the world's longest coma (and the necrophiliac that revived her), this theme park features strangers disguised in animal suits who hug children; roller coasters unfit for pregnant women and people with heart conditions; pirates, ghosts, and dinosaurs; and a small world in which dozens of children of various nationalities are forced to endlessly sing the same refrain. Not suited for children.
99. The North Pole
- See how Santa's sweatshops and elf residences have caved in as the ice below breaks. Waterlogged toys are quickly becoming yet another example of the effects of climate change. Santa has consequently switched to putting nuclear waste in bad children's stockings.
98. The Wreck of the Titanic
- Re-vamped as an underwater movie theatre, now showing yet another aggravatingly cliché tragic romance based on the events of April 14-15, 1912.
97. Robben Island Historical Prison
96. The Great WAL-Mart of China
- The store with THE longest aisle in history serves as the quintessential example of how the ramparts of tradition have fallen siege to the modern Chinese economy.
95. Ancient Egyptian Pyramids
- Originally built using a pyramid scheme (pay someone for the honour of laying a stone; get paid by two people for the honour of laying a stone each; they get paid by two people each...), today you can tour them for an exorbitant fee - but you receive a pyramid voucher that guarantees you will get twice the money back when you bring in two more tourists.
94. Bedrock City
- The most environmental-friendly city on Earth! Drive a foot-powered not-so-auto-mobile, learn to use a mammoth-shower and dino-crane, and log on to your Koko-computer-ape using a live mouse! Note: security measures at Pterodactyl Airport include being frisked by a live octopus.
93. The Klingon Home World
- Pagh wa' cha' wej loS vagh jav Soch chorgh Hut. So there.
- Self-evidently one of the world's worst locations. So monotonous you'll swear the inhabitants are living eternal reruns. Check the small print on any small Hawaiian boat advertising a three hour tour (a THREE HOUR TOUR hahahahahahahahahaha...).
91. Loch Ness
- A nice little spot actually, rumoured to be the home of someone named Nessie, though either no one has really ever seen her, or else everyone who has, has not come back.
90 - 81Edit
90. The Leaning Tower of Pisa
- Be the 27,583,463rd visitor and win a special prize! Experts predict that you would become renown as - well, you know, "the straw that broke the camel's back."
- If you're not the special Pisa visitor, you might also take in the city of canals not too far away. Take an old-fashioned gondola down the polluted, mud-infested water-streets; avoid the motorboats; and though Venice may be sinking, you don't want to see what's at the bottom of the canals (trust me).
- Known for its metaphorical qualities, Timbuktu is located in the desert in the middle of Mali. You are now thinking, "So that's where it is." Now you're checking Google maps to be sure.
- I don't like to sound racist, but a planet full of little green men doesn't appeal to me. And if you think we're concerned about them visiting us in UFO's, just think how paranoid they must be after dozens of NASA and Russian spacecraft have either crash-landed or begun spying on their planet.
86. The White House
- Condemned for over two centuries of ignoring the needs of American minorities, many of whom suffer in slums while wealthy white presidents live in luxury - paying gardeners, renovators, and painters with tax dollars to keep its flower beds lovely, its interior beautifully decorated, and its walls a pristine, pure white. But Barack Obama plans to change all that and paint it black.
85. Hans Island
- A chunk of rock near the Arctic Circle that no one would have the slightest desire to possess if not for the fact that it’s disputed.
84. The Korean Border
- Experience the tension of the last remnants of the Cold War. If you walk across the precise border line without stepping on either side, neither side will shoot you.
- You might wish to take in a game or two, but be warned: all those players and fans ever do is cheat anyway, by casting continual spells and counter-spells (similar to Wizard Scrabble).
82. Mount St. Helen’s
- Washington State offers a unique opportunity to see inside one of the world’s most impressive volcanoes. You can hike right to the top and peer in – take your camera! Not to worry, the volcano has been dormant for seven centuries.
81. The Taj Mahal
- Here in Agra you can see rapidly-developing modern India in progress, in the world's largest shopping centre. It became a particularly large draw once it was proclaimed a UNESCO world heritage site. And you can even purchase miniature versions of the "Taj" for your children - if for nothing else, to teach them the value of respecting the tradition and legacy of culture.
80 – 71Edit
80. Magnetic North Pole
- No directions required, just buy a compass and walk.
- No directions required to get here, either, just follow any road.
- Again, no directions required. Just pray to Allah and make a beeline.
77. The Garden of Eden
- The most beautiful place you could visit, imbued with hope, love, innocence, kindness, compassion, and naked people. You have no idea why this place would be on the list of 100 worst places. Eat the fruit and find out.
76. Inside a game of PacMan
- ...eatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdots GHOST!!! Arrrgggh! eatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdo GHOST!!! Arrgggh! eatdotseatdotseatdotseatdotseatdots…
75. The Moon Landing Site
- Where the United States planted its flag, declaring the moon and all its citizens to be American subjects.
74. The Fake Moon Landing Site
- Where the United States planted its flag, declaring the fake moon and all its citizens to be American subjects.
73. Niagara Falls
- Bring a bathing suit and a barrel; it’s the simplest way to get across the border.
72. Yellowstone Park
- He may be an old geyser, but Old Faithful erupts as regularly as any man on Earth.
- Re-enact the crucifixion with some of the locals – simultaneously cleanse your soul of evil and your body of blood. And you get to keep your own cross afterwards!
70 – 61Edit
70. Jerusalem: The Holy Shit! Land
69. Vietnam Veterans Memorial
- Remember the thousands of Americans who died during the Vietnam War, each one of whom has his name etched in eternal infamy. Forget the millions of Vietnamese who also died.
- Visit the future resort – be sure to take in a penguin safari while you still can! *BRING LOTS OF SUNSCREEN
- Remember, the Tasmanian Devil lives "Down Under." And it's hell to get around if you don't speak Tasmanian. You probably won't improve anything by asking the locals "how long would it take me to get to Australia?"
- Home to thousands of government critics, military draft evaders, and hockey players who refused to play for the Red Army team. In Siberia, Russia reverses YOU!!
65. Alaska Panhandle
- Where the American president shuffles off the nation’s homeless.
64. Machu Picchu
- The “Lost city of the Incas” was found by llamas in 1911; and they have controlled it ever since. Unsuspecting tourists are enslaved and used as pack animals.
63. Anywhere in the Yukon
- That just about says it all.
62. Channel between the Scylla & Charybdis
- We advise you to take the lesser of two evils, and six extra hearty but disposable crewmembers to boot. It might seem a bit cruel, but have you ever been vomited up by a giant sea monster? Believe me, you won't enjoy the experience. Just sacrifice the six guys.
61. Kandahar, Afghanistan
- Women: remember to wear a burqa for your own protection. Men: remember to wear a bullet-proof vest for your own protection.
60 – 51Edit
60. Chris Christie's Traffic Coordinator's Office
- It's apparently quite congested.
59. The International Date Line
- Not a 1-900 number.
58. Those little plastic things they put on the end of shoelaces
- Dull but cheap - you can see them on a shoestring.
57. Mount Everest
- Climb to the top of the world’s highest summit. Climb back down again. Because it’s there. What a stupid reason.
56. Davy Jones' Locker
- Feared by pirates and naval officers alike, Jones' locker has become synonymous with the grotesque and the horrifying. Many a proud and bombastic man has been humbled by its powerful force, its unfathomable mystique, its deep and dreadful stench - apparently Davy Jones didn't shower too often.
55. The Stratosphere
- Actually one of the nicest places on Earth, unless you’re among a planeload of people who have suddenly, simultaneously become afraid of heights.
54. The Not-So-Democratic Republic of the Congo
- Ravaged by the Second Congo War (fought over trademark rights with the Republic of the Congo), people here vote with the barrels of their guns; which has led to human rights protests in developed nations, where they vote in a much more civilized fashion - with their wallets.
53. Downtown Tokyo, 3 A.M.
- The problem with the center of the world’s largest metropolis is that, in the middle of the night, it’s totally dead. No character. This place needs some poverty, homelessness, and crime big time!
52. Rod Serling’s Gravesite
- You’ve come to the burial place of one of Hollywood’s finest: the incomparable, creative genius known to fans and foes everywhere as none other than “Rod.” You don’t know what drove you to come, but you have a slight, nagging suspicion that this strange place will bring you in touch with – your darker side, perhaps? - or somehow closer to being at one with the world’s odd mysteries. Even as you approach the cenotaph, a voice inside you insists that this is no ordinary pilgrimage; no, number 52 on the list of worst locations has an unexplainable appeal to it. Somehow, soon, you know you will no longer be in any kind of terrestrial locale at all. For the grave of yours truly is in fact #34 on the list of Best Locations in… the Twilight Zone.
51. Suez Canal
- Zeus stops, spots Suez. Well, what did you expect? A man? A plan? A canal? Panama?
50 - 41Edit
- Have you seen the crap that these people write? Particularly bad are the "Worst 100" lists. If you read enough to get, say, halfway through, then you might start thinking about getting a life.
49. The Moon
- A pretty non-existent place, actually. You might want to bring Yahtzee.
48. The Sun
- Caution: Dangerous levels of radiation.
- Caution: Contents are hot.
47. A Black Hole
- Imagine yourself being torn apart ever more gradually as eons pass – over thousands, millions, billions of years and longer. Sounds painful, doesn't it? Not to worry, you would experience death instantly. Only your friends and relatives on the outside would see you being torn apart for billions of years.
46. The Lost and Found
- All you'll find here is lost causes, hidden agendas, forgotten dreams, and long-lost relatives.
45. Over the Rainbow
- Where the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Maybe not such a bad place if you dare to dream about Judy Garland.
44. Jabba the Hutt’s Lair
- He’s about as big and gross as they come, and he would probably put you on a long leash dressed in a bikini. Even if you’re a man.
43. Fantasy Island
- I’m so glad you made it to our tropical paradise. Here you will experience typical made-for-television plot twists, endless clichés, and characters as flat as they come, not to mention being advertised to every ten minutes or so. Don’t you wish you had remained on the plane, the plane? Welcome to Fantasy Island.
42. The Alexandria Library
- The world's most famous library might seem like an awe-inspiring place to catch up on your reading, and you would certainly be tempted to peruse some of its several hundred thousand scrolls, but for the fact that it burned down over 1500 years ago. By the way, if you do have any overdue items, you can return them to the modern Alexandria Public Library along with a late fee of 45 million Egyptian Pounds.
41. The Bottom of the Pacific Ocean
- I’ve heard it’s quite a dive.
40 - 31Edit
40. In the Zone
- Britney may have bombed in a fair number of places, but evidently this is not one of them. However, the large volume of tourists who have come and gone has resulted in a bit of a "been there, done that" phenomenon.
39. Mount Ararat
- Join one of the archaeological digs that have been discovering fossilized remains of various extinct species – oddly enough, always in pairs.
38. The Lost Crop Circles of Atlantis
- Humans have been searching for centuries to find the lost continent and its renowned crop circles of old. The fact that we haven't been able to find them with all our modern technology virtually proves that aliens are surreptitiously keeping them from view for some larger, ulterior purpose.
- The former Japanese capital and favourite tourist location has become synonymous in recent years with environmentalism, not to mention bureaucratic excuse-making, government stonewalling, and corporate laissez-faire attitudes towards climate change.
36. The Red Sea
- Unfortunately, you won’t be able to visit here because it parted a long time ago.
35. The Pnyx
- See the meeting place of Athenian democracy, overlooked by the stunning ancient Parthenon. And you, too, can vote on the future of such Greek heritage sites – so long as you are a land-owning man.
34. Nowhere Land
- Where Nowhere Man makes all his nowhere plans for nobody.
- Every Friday night a free Spinal Tap concert! And watch out for the planned expansion: more and taller stones soon to be erected!
32. Gotham City
- Beware bad actors in bat suits engaged in vigilante therapy to resolve childhood trauma.
31. A Round Hole
- A square like you just wouldn't fit in a place like this.
30 – 21 Edit
30. The United Nations
- Hear bureaucrats argue about world health, bicker about development, and fight over peacekeeping forces. Not quite so united as their name suggests.
- Look, it's Mr. McFeely! Look, there's King Friday XIII! Look, it's Mr. Rogers! He's changing into his slippers! He likes you just the way you are! How are you, anyway, neighbor? A little constipated? Let Mr. Rogers explain. Children need to learn about constipation and how to distinguish it from diarrhea. Upset stomach? Is Mr. Rogers making you vomit? Let Mr. Rogers get you a big shiny bucket! Feel better? No? Wait, you dumped the contents of the bucket on Mr. Rogers' head. Oh, I see - now you feel better.
28. Set of What Would You Do
- Unknowingly be confronted with moral dilemmas resolvable only in a manner John Quinones approves of. Fail to act and face the outrage of people who watch Reality TV.
27. Angel Falls
- Come to Venezuela to see the world’s longest water drop – but watch out for Satan at the bottom.
- “Paradise on Earth” is the most probable place in the world to spark a nuclear war. That's not very funny, though. It's just depressing.
25. Hotel California
- Checkout time is 11:00 a.m. Plan for a long stay.
- The problem is that you can never get there. Whenever you think you've found it, it turns out it's somewhere else.
22. Your Head
- It’s probably not such a bad place, except that it’s so empty.
21. Your Conscience
- Wracked with guilt, isn’t it? My goodness, I thought I’d seen every guilty conscience there is, but yours takes the cake. Either you’ve done something really bad or you have quite a complex.
20 – 11Edit
20. The stage at America's Got Talent
- Howie Mandel stares at you. Mel B Stares at you. Heidi stares at you. Simon looks bored. The audience yawns. The T.V. audience changes the channel. You faint. The audience applauds. A magician makes you disappear.
- Howie says you're the most convincing disappearing act he's ever seen. Simon says now that you're gone, he will remember you. Tyra pushes the Golden Buzzer. Confetti falls. Everyone cheers.
- That means you'll have to do it all over again, live.
19. Ruins of Ancient Rome
- Practically falling apart. For what they charge, you should expect to see mint-condition architecture complete with air-conditioned rooms and for God's sake flush toilets.
18. Simultaneously in the Middle of Shakespeare's Theatre, a Quantum Experiment, Descartes' Mind, A Miniature Rodent-Oriented Aquamarine Translucent Roller Coaster Ride Featuring the Three Stooges Playing a Bach-Nirvana Minuet with Gluten-Free-Horseradish-Dijon Dip on the Side, and in a James Joyce novel.
- To be or not to be. You both are and are not. You think therefore you are. WTF. How depressing.
- Fairly self-explanatory: a godawful place filled with sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll – see also the Best 100 Locations of All Time.
- Technically not a location, though it is said you can be in it and fall into it. But what's so bad about it? Ask anyone who's been there.
15. In Bed
- The location where you do every stupid thing suggested to you after eating Chinese fortune cookies.
14. Above your Dying Body
- Actually, it's kind of cool, seeing yourself lying there, all your relatives praying for your inheritance, knowing you gave it all away to charity three days ago. If you could only see the look on their faces after you're gone..
13. The Tooth Fairy’s mine
- Ever wonder where all those children’s teeth go? And where the Fairy gets all that change? So do I. If you ever find those mountains of teeth and money, please let us know.
12. Willy Wonka’s Factory
- End up at the bottom of a humungous chocolate vat, or squeezed through some candy-making tube, or with your guts turned inside out in a coconut-cream blender. Hey, if you’re going to die young, this is the way to go.
- See the land of stereotypical witches, fraudulent wizards, stupid talking scarecrows, heartless tin people, lions not worth the manes they’re hiding behind, trees that pummel you with apples, and a town of dwarves apparently oblivious to it all. It makes you wonder exactly what kids see in this place, after all.
10 – 1Edit
10. Mount Rushmore
- Once one of the most impressive places to observe, the recent additions of the likenesses of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin and have somewhat tainted the sculpture.
9. The University of the Gaza Strip
- Enjoy your days here on campus receiving the best of extensive and worldly education. Mingle with a diverse and cultured international community. See history firsthand, Hamas rockets launching from residential areas, making your dorm room a target for Israeli air strikes. Oh, and just as a reminder,assignments have five points taken off per day late.
8. Heartbreak Hotel
- Ever since my baby left me, I’ve found a new place to dwell; it’s down at the end of Lonely Street in Heartbreak Hotel. You’re familiar with Lonely Street, right? The famous hotel is two blocks south of Desperation Bar, near Forlorn Valley. Meet other heartbroken singles and find love again, then check out - until next time.
- Tehran’s version of Disneyland, complete with the Ayatollah’s Castle, Pirates of the Persian Gulf, It’s a Small Jihad, and Fundamental-land. Completely nuclear-powered to provide an example of the nation’s commitment to peaceful use of Iranium. No sign of hidden nukes anywhere – in fact, children and Westerners alike are encouraged to tour the neighbouring nuclear power plant.
6. The Beaches of Normandy
- Every day is D-Day as you can re-experience June 6, 1944 in this reality-based tourist attraction. Feel the excitement and danger as neo-nazis pummel the ground before you with authentic World War II-style machine guns. If you make it through alive, you are most certainly encouraged to try the adventure again the following day.
5. McDonald’s in Outer Space
- Just take the minimum-wage labour constructed McShuttle to the Space McStation and enjoy a Giant McMess, and perhaps the all-new McFloat for dessert. Children are encouraged to play on the weightless playground, where they can become aggravated attempting to slide “down” slides and jump “up and down” in rooms of plastic balls (all the while avoiding floating McVomit and McAccidents).
4. The Closet
- Not just any closet, this is the closet, the one that has inspired so many millions to publicly reveal their inner secrets. Enter this closet, and you too can come out.
3. The Berlin Trench
- Everyone wanted a piece of the wall when it came down. Berliners gathered up spray-painted cement chips as souvenirs to keep or sell as small chunks of history. Eventually the entire wall was sold, piece by piece, for a value greater than the 1989 East German economy. Undeterred, German citizens and tourists alike started chipping pieces of cement from the ground where the wall had been. As a result, a long trench now divides the city, making it impossible to travel between East and West.
- A nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Not for any real length of time, anyway.
- Spend eternity singing endless church hymns and neo-religious pop melodies alongside millions of devout religious fanatics. After a few millennia, #2 begins to seem appealing.