Worst 100 Inventions of All Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“You bastards... You ungrateful bastards!”

~ Thomas Edison

According to the supreme decree of Allah, God, Kim Jong Ill and many other deities, the following are the Worst 100* Inventions of All Time. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

Bob Dole claimed that Bob Dole invented every invention on this page.

See also: Greatest Inventions.

* Allah cares not about counting this list too closely, and all ye who believe are wise not to criticize His divine numeration policy.

158. brown toilet paper

just keep wiping, and wiping, and wiping...

157. the word "fucking"...

Jesus' middle name

156. Camophlage flashlight

once u drop it, u need another flashlight to find it... until u drop that one...

155. The Game

You just lost it.

154. School

It's not like smart people get enough praise already

153. Wikipedia

copy cats sumbitches

152. Boys and Girls club

"dont wory Mrs. Jovany, we'll do the parenting for you"

151. your mom

an experiment by your grandfather and grandmother to create the most fat wretched ugly rotten piece of filth ever, it was a success. Probably too much of a success.

Your Grandfather: we dreamed of creating the worlds horriblest bitch. and we succeded

150. Energy Drinks

Whatever happened to regular food?

149. Envelopes

Lick them and give them to a friend or relative.

148. Sandpaper Toilet Paper

If you can take it...

148.5. Sandpaper Hot-Sauce Toilet Paper

For REAL MEN!!!

147. Dissolvable wall defenses.

Don't worry men, we'll be safe as long as they don't spit...

146. Electric powered wind turbine.

145. Transparent eyepatch.

Doesn't help anything...people still see your creepy blind eye!

144. Wind powered fan.

That doesn't even make the slitest bit of sense.

143. Bed making

Seriously. You're gonna sleep in it soon, anyway!

142. Cruggs

Half croc half ugg. Unfortunately these actually exist.

141. Inflatable anchor

Isn't it annoying how heavy the regular ones are?

140. Hand powered chainsaw

At least you get the exercise.

139. Breathable space suit

Cools you down when studying solar flares or something.

138. Braille driver's manual

"What's this about 'watching' for pedestrians?"

137. Solar powered pacemaker

A debatable question: what's more important, the environment or human lives?

136. Reversible garbage disposal

"Drat, dropped my wedding ring. Good thing I got this new switch installed..."

135. Mesh raincoat

More breathable than Goretex!

134. Glow in the dark sundail

Only available for those with an IQ lower than their shoe size.

133. Anabolic Tranquillizer

Put 'em to sleep -- now's your time to escape before you've got a Chuck Norris heading for you.

132.Magic School Bus

The non-airborne ones work just fine. But of course the liberal Congress chooses to subsidize flying schoolbuses as opposed to more obvious choices like universal health care or another war.

131.Roasted almond jelly rump cake flavored incense for your ears

130. Nuclear Powered Crossbow

Um...

129. The Electric Sponge

Positively Shocking!

128. EL KING

He's green, he's a semi, he's a maniac...and he's coming to crush your car. WASTED!

127. The Penny

Of course, a monetary unit that costs more to produce then it's actually worth!

126. The Xbox 360

you owe us 358 consoles Microsoft, pay up!

125. Encyclopedia Dramatica

Enough drama. Get a llama.

124. Uncyclopedia

HATE HATE HAT!

123. Sega Dreamcast.

Big fat flop.

122. AAAAAAAAA!

AAA AAAA AA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAA AA AAAA AAAAAAAA! AAAA AAAA AAAAA!

121. The term "et cetera"

It shows you are lazy, not wanting to do work, wanting to get over with it quick, etc.

120. The Waterproof Teabag

119. Windows Vista

As far as I know, Vista stands for Viruses, Infections, Spyware, Trojans, and Adware.

118. Random Number Generator

Why so many numbers? Uh-oh, infinityplex is coming after me.

117. Random monster generator

Why so many monsters? Uh-oh, the Frankenstein Monster is coming after me.

116. Gypsum golf ball

If you hit it, it breaks...

115. Glass Hammer

*hits nail* *hammer explodes*

114. Skipping numbers.

Why does it happen sometimes?

113. Double-sided playing cards.

I wonder what my opponent has...

112. Opaque Windows.

For those that don't like the view outside.

111. Caesium Water Bottle.

For those that like corrosive alkali metals exploding.

110. Transparent Curtains.

For putting on your opaque windows.

109. MMORPGs

Sugarcakes69 is a 74 year-old fat-ass child molestor, NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

108. The Great Wall of China

Why is it still around? Hey China! Just tear it down! Then you could use the extra land to build houses for your 1.3 billion people, many of whom are homeless!

107. Tom Cruise

What was God thinking?!?

106. A B.A. in English

Come on, what are you going to do with it?

105. Fireproof Matches

For those safety-conscious fire-starters.

104. Waterproof Sponges

Tired of sopping, dirty, wet sponges after cleaning?

103 1/2. Sugar Tooth Brush

Are you tired of horrible tasting toothpaste?

103. Pedal-powered wheelchairs

The disabled need exercise too.

102. At Home Incontinence Test

Just place it down the back of your pants and wait 4 hours. If it turns brown...

101. Nasal Hair Curling Iron

When you want to look your best. Ouch! Feh!!!

100. Spandex

It looks great... on the right people... so why do only fat people wear it? Why can't hot women like Candice Michelle wear it?

99. "Worst 100 List" Lists

For the love of Jebus, why?

98. The Spanish Inquisition

Nobody expected them, they may as well have stayed home.

97. Inventions

Even fire was a dodgy proposal.

96. Solar Powered Flashlights

Unfortunately, it was only useful for peeking into dark holes while the sun was shining on the flashlight.

95. Derek Acorah

Wha?

94. The wolf/vorarephile quote

“Outside a wolf, this quote the most terrifying thing. Inside a wolf, it's nice and soft.”

~ A vorarephile on This Quote

Sucks, doesn't it? That doesn't make any sense what so ever!!

93. This very list

92. Spoon

For those of you who haven't seen one, its just a fork with no holes between the fingers. Nothing new or Nobel Prize worthy. There is no spoon.

91. Sound-activated Alarms

Once they go, they just keep on going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and...

90. Helicopter Ejection Seats

Chalk one up for the Belgians

89. Deep Sea Sushi Bars

How redundant can you get?

88. Language

Responsible for more bloody wars than anything else. He just kept talking in one incredibly long unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so nobody could interrupt him it was really quite hypnotic.

87. This page

Why do they have to say "You Are Dead" in every direction?

86. Submarine Screen Door

At least it keeps the fish out.

85. PEOPLE

How stupid can they be?

84. Portable Rucksacks

Rriighhhhttt, how more obvious can you get?

83. Brain Wash

When normal shampoo just doesn't cut it.

82. You

I hate to break this to you, but, you were unplanned. I mean, your father and I love you, but.... And you appeared twice on this list!

81. PETA

We have teeth designed to rip meat, which clearly means that animals are here for us to eat. End of Story.

80. Books on How To Read

You learn from books by reading them. However, if you can't read, you can't learn from books, so you can't learn to read by reading a book that tells how to read. Does this make any sense to you?

79. The Internets

Did I say the internets? I meant Bill Gates. What a waste of machinery... I mean life.

78. Wikipedia

What an awful collection of utterly useless information. Someone needs to be held responsible for that monstrosity. And furthermore you can edit all the pages to make them stupid.

77. The Upside-down Upside-down Cake

It's a freakin' cake you idiots.

76.0. Software that emulates an uncyclopedia contributor that has no idea of the title of the article he is editing.

Yeah! This software is the BEST man!

75. Black highlighter

Yes, it marks your text nicely, but you can't read what you marked!

74. Phil Collins

Enough said.

73. Myspace

A bunch of 15 year olds stealing pictures from Google and pretending it's themselves. Newsflash: Nobody believes you have a 9 inch penis. And girls, the vast majority of you do NOT look like Candice Michelle. At least you provide pictures of her to masturbation over.

72. Handicapped Accessable Web Sites

Why not add a wheelchair ramp, or a WAV file that says "Too bad you can't see this" ?

71. Spring Loaded Automatic Hamburger Flippers

Number one cause of house fires and burnt infants in America

70. Boomerang Grenade

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

69. The 69 Position

Who really wants a nose full of ass?

68. Fashion

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."~ Oscar Wilde on Fashion

67. Hair

Dead skin cells glamorized in an otherwise zombie-hateful world

66. The Irish

Too much drinkin', not enough thinkin'!

65. The Hitler Moustache

The most sexually unappealing thing ever, yet it's immensely popular.

64. Motorcycle air conditioners.

Only effective while parked in garages.

On second thought, that doesn't even work...

63. Impact-activated parachute

Not so good in retrospect

62. Seatless chairlifts

Preservers of snowfields

61. Dandruff-fortified shampoo

Also available in strawberry flavour

60. The Wheel

The Egyptians got rid of it, but then someone re-invented the damn thing.

59. Emo Grass

Emo grass was invented in Occupied Romania in 1942, by nazi-controlled scientists. It was an attempt to produce genetically depressed grass that would cut itself, thereby leaving more man-hours for combat and general fascism. However, it was so ugly and black, that few people would want to plant it. It also had a nasty habit of curling up in sunlight.

58. Time Space Continum

Because who would really want to bask in a gigantic, mass shredding, black hole.

57. Humor

Thirteen years later and humor has yet to be funny.

56. Man

They just keep dyin'

55. Soap Operas

Not once have they had anything to do with soap or the opera.

54. The Number 57

Ten bucks said you clicked on "Edit" before reading this.

53. Keith Richard's Coffin

It's never gonna be used.

52. The Vegetarian Steakhouse

It's finger-lickin' good if you just give it a finger-lickin' chance!

51. Pepsuber1

It's Nick Snow's password

50. Student Government

Why act like students have power when they really don't?

49. Automobile

Overwhelmingly responsible for the majority of accidental deaths in the United States. Then again, it's great for speeding, street racing and drifting!

48. Air

It's polluted and bad for your health. No seriously don't breath.

47. The inflatable dartboard

Good for only one game, if that game only has one player....... and one dart.

46. Encyclopædia Dramatica

Even worse than Wikipedia!

45. Books

Need I say more?

44. Beginnner Guides

If I cannot screw myself over for not seeing it, then your a terrorist

43.3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333... Repeating Numbers

Like someone took a big sloppy one and thought of doing this!

43. Dihydrogen Monoxide

Why do so many people like to drink this?

42. The Word 'dude'

Dude, it's like overused, radical G yo!!!

41. Death

Look at comics, when I kick the bucket I'm just gonna turn back time and sacrifice goats like Superman

40.999999999999999999999999. Dead People

Talk about dull....

40. Heart surgery.... for Dick Cheney.

It is just not that important...

39. Jack Thompson

Because we really need more Americans who pull kids off buses and makes them protest violent games they probably enjoy thoroughly.

38. Fat People

For God's sake man! How much bloody space do they need? They are just wasting valuable air and food! I say weightwatchers becomes compulsory throughout the country! Death to the clinically obese heathens!

37. Jackie Chan

Say no more.... Worst Action Actor in History

36. Daniel Rotollo

Yep.... a freak of nature...

81. People who can't count.

They are a threat to the society and need to be exterminated.

35. Prison

Whoever thought of putting hundreds of dangerous criminals in the same place sure had the right idea.

34. People's sayings

"It's always in the last place you look" - Of course it fucking is, if you've already found it why would you keep looking for it?

33. Glass bottom boats

"Hey guys, how about we go out and sit in a boat that has a thin pane of glass built in the bottom so we can get a better look at bull and hammerhead sharks in their natural environment?- Note the names of the sharks.

32.5 People who neglect to put quotation marks at the end of their quotation

"Hey guys, how about we go make a quote and not ever finish it?- Note that the rest of the document may in fact be part of this quote.

32. Digital Versatile Disk

It just goes round and round and round...Totally pointless.

31. people who don't use capital letters when editing uncyclopedia articles.

30. People Who Know They Should Change The last Few Lines In Uncyclopedia Articles To Actually Be Funny But Really Can't Be Bothered.

29. The Number 29

Number 28 and 30 just wasn't good enough for you, huh? You just had to squeeze yourself in there, didn't you? You make me sick!

28. Worst 100 lists that only go to 28 and no. 30.

What can i say about 30. Really.

27. Preppys

Don't blame god, anyone can make such a mistake.

26. Dehydrated Water in a Bottle

Preparation and usage: simply add water and drink.

Hey No. 53.... you owe me ten bucks. I'll sue... just you wait

25. Benny Hinn. That guy is not firing on all of his pistons...

24. Kids TV

I mean come on people, some kids aren't braindead zombies who will watch just about anything that has fart jokes in it.

23.9 4Kids TV

Thanks for ruining everything

23. Firestone Tires... Nuff said.

22. Polar Star

The spur is infinitesimally better.

21. Barney the Dinosaur

This is exactly why you have mini-jihads sprouting up in your neighbourhood.

20. Waiting in Line

Hey No... 24! The end of the queue is back behind the dinosaur and the tires.

24. Cutting in Line

*snickers*

.20 Bottled Water

    Exscuse', didn't God make water free???

19.5. The Name "Wii"

When Nintendo couldn't think of what to call there new console someone said "Just go with the flow".

19. High Heels

Lots of money for very little material whose sole (sorry) purpose is to inflict grevious wounds to the wearer, in turn inflicting grevious whining to the partner.

18. Horses

Automobiles are much faster and do not poop in the street. Well, except for the Lada...

17. The Wheel

Did you know that automobile fatalities have more than quintoopled since it's invention?

16. Automatic Pelican Waxer

Wait WTH!! why would you need that

15.999. Oxygen

It's one of the most toxic and corrosive elements ever.

15. Reuseable nuclear bomb.

This will detonate the nuclear bomb saving the shell which flies away and must be picked up. After that the user has to do is to put another load of explosive material in it to detonate it again.

14. The Ladder

The butt of all light bulb jokes

13. The Number 13

What's the point of this number, really? Strictly speaking, it doesn't even exist. Ever seen a thirteenth floor? Q.E.D.

12. Suede raincoats

Self-explanatory, I trust.

11. The universe.

Most of it's just empty space. In 100 billion years or less it'll expire from heat death. So what's the point?

10. Cell phones.

"HI! I'M IN A BUSY RESTAURANT! I'M YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST FINE!I'M JUST ABOUT TO SEND YOU A TEXT TO TELL YOU IM ABOUT TO GET TO YOUR PLACE EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY KNOW AND IM TELLING YOU NOW. NOW I'M ON A BUS! NOW THE DRIVER JUST CRASHED AND IS BLAMING ME FOR DISTRACTING HIM! JEEZ, SOME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE!"

9. Oscar Wilde

*GASPS*

8. The Saying "O No You Didn't"

You saw me do it! Are you blind! By the way O No you didn't to No. 9

7. Lucky Number 7

What made it so special?

6. The "..."

Finish the freakin thought!

5. People who think they can dance

Discos dead and you will be to if you keep that up.

4. Automatic cat exerciser

Your cats not a ghost and God made cats to lazy fat bastards.

3. BBC 'Points of View'

What is it about these people that makes them believe I care what they think?

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510... Pi

what made it so special! circles are for squares anyway.

57. Skipping ahead in line

Ten bucks said only Nobody uses this.

2.71828182845904523536... e

What's so special about this arbitrarily random number?

2. Oprah

just urghhhhhh *vomits*

1.6 Pamela Anderson/Lee/Rock/Slutwhore

If man wanted to have sex with a plastic barbie doll, he could easily buy one at www.lovedolls.com.

1. Vandalism to Uncyclopedia

just urghhhhhh *vomits*

0.999... Being equal to 1

because not all numbers need a single decimal expansion.

1/2. Half numbers

why would you want half of anything??

0.5. Decimals

what, Fractions aren't good enough for you?

0.4. That fat kid who eats all the leftover french fries at Mcdonalds

0.3. George W. Bush Jr.

WTF!! are you kidding...0.3 is too good for that guy, he should be at, like, -infinity!

0.1 Facebook

Facebook spawns facebook nazis.

0. The Number "Bleen"

four, five, six, bleen, seven, eight...what the hell?

Nan. George Herbert Walker Bush

Also known as "huge berserk rebel warthog" or "President Dumbass" by countries all over the world (including the USA). (Anagram)

-1. Negative Numbers

as if we didn't have enough numbers, some smart A$$ decided to put a dash in front and create MORE numbers. Why?!!

eleventeen. Imaginary numbers

Oooh, I'v got a great idea let's combine the two greatest things: math and your imagination! Wait...

i. Numbers that have a value impossible to determine.

2L x 43 + 647798RS / 2 x 10^67 Seriosly complex fractions

Uhhhhhhhhhh, does anyone have a solution for this? Cuz I dont.

Nullity.

A non-existing number. Like there weren't enough numbers to memorize already.

snorflewonk. Hello kitty dildo, spike version

herplefluugen

Paris Hilton

negative google-sixty-sive

mop's hairstyle

negative infinity-nine

Kia

negative infinity-infinity

0.01. Lists that never end

I would just like to take some time, to make a public service announcement about lists that never seem to end, and go on far past the point that they were supposed to/advertised. It is a horrible new trend, that happens in nearly 70% of today's lists. It is said to have started in horrible third world countries, such as Canada or Switzerland. I mean, just absolute shit-holes that no sane person would want to live in, full of 12 year olds with AK 47's, and flaming cars. If you start this list, you deserve to be, and most likely, soon will be on death row. If you contribute to this list, you truly do need to kill yourself. And any establishment or group of people that support, or host this type of list, should be shut down immediately. Thank you for your time.

~from the desk of Ricky Bobby

negative-positive lepton Planck Constant

The Sean Connery Impershonator Trainer. Fuck you, Ricky. Fuck you in the ass with a big ribber dick.

negative infinity-infinity-and then some

Infinity. It's not a goddamn number!

any number divided by zero

yeah bitch, I just went there.

tan(90)

Well so did I.

[edit] Honorable Mentions

• Anuswax
• Bicycle pumps
• Billboard Magazine
• Bit Bucket
• Baby conveyor belt
• Bacon-men
• Bivouac
• Dog-in-a-Box
• Penile suppressor
• Precision rain
• Wroon
• The Lost Room
• Man on the fire exit signs
• The Most Annoying Article
• RapeShield
• Robert Brightningburg's THE GAME
• Tippnet
• Titanic Made of Wood
• Toungby
• Trepanation
• Tribe Magazine
• Trogdor (sport)
• UN Beekeepers
• USC 13-10
• Ultima-Device
• Ultra-Violet Paint
• Ultra Liberals
• Un-religion
• Wii Never Coming to America
• Wika
• Wikipod
• Wikiversity
• Wild ass
• Windows Live Uncyclopedia Portal
• Windows X-Console
• Wood badger
• Wootties
• Xbox humper
• Yourspace
• Zubaz
• Ə