Worst 100 Harry Potter Spin-offs of All Time
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Like all popular things the Harry Potter series has been the source of many spin-offs. Spin-offs normally take a minor or one time person and make them the main person of a new series. Below is the list of the worst offenders!
- 100. Matthew Prestage's guide to wizard wanking.
- Mattthew discovers that wizards have problems wanking, because they have never evolved the muscles required to vigorously shake your cock. He invents a spell which not only allows you to wank, but also allows you to grow a vagina. In this thrilling novel, it takes you down the emotional road of Matthew, learning to wank.
- 99. Neville Longbottom, plant detective.
- Neville Longbottom using his dashing good looks and amazing knowledge of plants solves crimes and mysteries in this fantastic book series! Neville Longbottom and the Maltese Flytrap, Neville Longbottom and the Gillie weed incident, Neville Longbottom and the Strangle Kelp Caper, Neville Longbottom and the Case of the Missing Invisibility weeds, and the last book, Neville Longbottom and The Wrong Kind Of Weed.
- 98. Ron Weasley's books on chess.
- Ron who used to get bored out of his mind during summer break found the solution to this by writing two dimensional books loosely based on chess pieces. They have become quite popular (for placing under a table leg to stop a wobble, soaking up spills, target practice, etc.). The King and I, One Lonely Knight, The Rookie, The Pawn Shop, Little Queenie, One Knight in Bangkok, My dinner with Bishop Two Two.
- 97. Ms McGonagall's tales of transformation.
- A both disturbing and enlightening book series loosely base on student mistakes (comes with 3D and/or 4D glasses and a barf bag). Why most insects are a bad idea, Fish out of water tails, Flying is best done with a broom until you've had training with wings, Domesticated animal dos and don'ts.
- 96. Draco Malfoy's humor series.
- Draco's books that turn an eye to stand-up comedy, such as Draco Malfoy's Fun Things To Do To Other People's Food, Draco Malfoy's Magical Pull My Finger Gags, Draco Malfoy's Impractical Joke Book, and the bestseller, which, for a limited time only, you can get an autograph* with: Those Silly Mudbloods and the Things They Do. *Fine print: Autograph is a single X that may or may not have been written by the author himself.
- 95. Bertie Bots Food and drink series.
- Bertie, best known for his jelly beans and that incident with Michael Jackson shares with us his version of home cook'in in this cook book series. Worms in drinks besides tequila, desserts made with things found in your yard, dumpster diving for dinner. P.S. please enter your ideas for new bean flavors at new.flavor@bertiebot.WTF and win a years supply of beans if your flavor is used.
- 94. Diagon Alley Merchant Association (DAMA) Advertisements and press releases.
- Free wand recharging with any purchase at Andre's Artifacts, Diagon Alley Tourist Guide, Post no bills here, Reward for the finder of my missing cat Fireball (WARNING: she will spit fireballs at you if frightened).
- 93. Severus Snape's comic books.
- Severus, revealing both his inner child and desire for a large flat tail, presents us with a tail slapping comic book series.Platypus-man the beginning, Platypus-man vs Mecha-Godzilla, Platypus-man and the Temple of Broom, Platypus-man vs Dr Doofensmurf, Platypus-man and the Drool of the Nile, Platypus-man and the Raiders of the Lost (Jurassic) Park.
- 92. Fluffy's (the three headed dog) pet care series.
- Greating gentle readers, I Fluffious Maximillion Rex have compiled several enlightening and informative manuscripts to aid you in living harmoniously with your beloved furry family members.How to deal with parasites, Little known pet treats, The best vacation spots for pets, Dental care for pets, Pet Care for Dummies.
- 91. Dobby's books for preschoolers.
- Dobby assures us his love of children is harmless, allegations of his links to Michael Jackson and organized crime have never been proven and that there are no subliminal messages in his books pictures.Red crayon scribbles, Blue and Green crayon scribbles, Some things that look like bunnies (in black magic marker), Water color hand prints.
edit 81 - 90
- 90. Professor Dumbledore's how to train your Phoenix
The good professor shares with us the lessons (sometimes painful lessons) he has learned as a proud Phoenix owner. Protective gear and clothing every Phoenix owner needs, Recommended (fireproof) nesting materials, Favorite Phoenix Treats and things to never feed a Phoenix.
- 89. Filtch's castle maintenance series
- How to maintain proper levels of dust and cobwebs, How to repair holes in castle walls (caused by Quidich balls, flying students and the occasional lab explosions), How to remove students, Familiars and other blockages from chimneys, Load considerations of roof perches for large flying creatures.
- 88. The Hogwart Express series (written by the crew)
- The lovable wacky crew of the Express, probably best known for their mime versions of Shakespeare's plays (performed every summer) have written several engaging books. Murder on the Hogwart Express, Bridge over the river Quidich, Moonlighting as the Polar Express, The great Hogwarts train robbery, Two trains that pass in the night, Snakes on a Train (they're delicious), Interesting thing pulled and scraped off the front of the Express (most of which Hagrid used in his cooking).
- 87. Severus Snape's Poetry series
- Severus, showing his lighter side, presents his rhyming musings in this highly unanticipated book series.Prose on poisonous plants, Leafy Limricks, Venomous Haikus, Hogwarts Humorous Ditty's.
- 86. The Malfoy Manners Manuals
- Written and updated by many generations of Malfoys these books are a must have for both the established rich/powerful snob and the up and coming snob. How to look down your nose at everybody without becoming cross-eyed, Treating everyone as a servant and getting away with it, Nasty is not a four letter word, infighting and backbiting for experts.
- 85. The Spider's Eye View of Hogwarts (written by Aragog))
- A spider, having eight eyes, sees and describes Hogwarts through a multi-point of view perspective consisting mainly of running away from humans, hiding from humans, staying very still when humans are around, and chasing food (comes with 8D glasses for viewing interesting low angle pictures and several mazes which can only be solved wearing the glasses WARNING never look at anything other than this book while wearing these glasses).
- 84. The He Who Must Not Be Named Children's Name Book (written by He Who Must Not Be Named)
- He Who Must Not Be Named gives us a delightful book recommending names for newborn children. The names of demons and mystical animals mix with those of dead witches and snarled up magical animals. This will benefit any expectant parent and/or child abductor. His follow up book the house-pet and familiar name book is currently being written and will be published soon.
- 83. The Draco Malfoy Code (written and illustrated by Draco Malfoy)
- A novelized mystery concerning an egotistical and self-serving author and his search for the Key to Hogwarts' hidden "Tomb of the Unknown Wizard". When Malfoy locates the key and opens the tomb he finds his own decomposed body, goes insane, and is sent to the mythical "Island of Lost Souls" where he becomes a lobster fisherman and part-time traveling lecturer on symbolism.
- 82. Nearly Headless Nick the ghost writer
- Ghost Writers rarely get credit for their work but we at the Hogwarts Library feel Nick should get the praise he deserves and give you a hopefully complete list of books and scripts he has contributed on. I Robot, Gone with the Wind, Thermo-Dynamics for Dummies, The instructions for dyeing Easter Eggs, Foster Brooks Auto-Biography, the script for most Alf episodes,The Hello Kitty books (Japanese version only), The Star Wars Ewok Christmas special, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, most European Car Owners Manuals, The Neverland Ranch visitors Guide, Dobby's books for preschoolers, War and Piece (a parody of War and Peace based on Reeces Pieces), The Happy day episode where Fonzie jumps over a shark tank, the National Lampoon's Vacation movies, and the Play Cats.
- 81.Whomping tree tales
- Ahoy, let me tell you's landlubbers of my adventures as the Whomping Willow of Hogwarts, Arrrrgg. Ah the mammals I've crushed,Oh the plants I've crushed, Yaa the objects I've crushed, Whomping Trees guide to Birds and other flying objects, Human first-aid based on first hand observations.
edit 71 - 80
- 80. The books about that Seamus guy nobody really liked.
- Seamus Does Something, Seamus Does Something Else, Seamus Finds a Death Eater and Runs Away to Find Out It Wasn't A Death Eater Just A Small Plant. The books were all flops and are one of the most popular books to be found on EBay.
79. Voldemort's hair care series
78. The Stewart Ackerley Chronicals Stewart Ackerley and the People Who Don't Know Who He Is (aka Everyone), Stewart Ackerley and when he realizes He's Not Important, Stewart Ackerley and the Death of his Series
77. Terry Boot's shoe care manuals Shoe Shining For Beginners, Lacing 101, This Was A One-Line Joke Explained
76. CSI: Hogwarts Starring Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson and Tom Felton enough said.
75. Hogwarts on D.I.Y S.O.S. They've replaced that boring old great hall with a 300 seat cinema system! WHOO!
74. Ron Weasley - Life with Gingervitis Being ginger is not just a horrible, gut-wrenching haircare disaster, it's a curse. Ron Weasley tells us of his tales of living with this truly horrific disease.
73. Hogwarts' Most Haunted
72. Snape's List of Common Household Poisons for Mugglesnever went to print.
71. Bellatrix's hair care series Taming It - Lord Knows How That Stuff's Shithouse, How To Extract A Brush From Your Dreadlocks, Why You Should Invest In A Straightener.
edit 61 - 70
70. Up In Da Castle n' Ting - The Forgotten Black Characters' Story Featuring insights from Lee Jordan and Kingsley "Mack Daddy" Shacklebolt
69. Dobby's Guide to Hogsmeade's Brothelss Featuring Aberforth's Rusty Trombone Club, Ollivander's House of Loose Booty and Zonko's Sex Shop (Which is situated behind his joke shop)
68. Teddy Lupin: I grew up without my mama and papa, I'm like 50 cent... Only I'm not a nigger Son of Remus talks about his sad, lonely childhood through the medium of rap... (available as an Audio CD and 17" Vinyl Record)
- 67. Why So Sirius? (the Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography written by Sirius Black)
In this wonderful riveting tale, Sirius Black writes of his escape from Azkiban Prison, and how he found a portal to the Muggle world, and started a new life as a insane criminal called The Joker, and reeked havoc on Gotham City. The book was loosely adapted by Christopher Nolan into the film The Dark Knight, in which Heath Ledger plays Sirius Black/The Joker. Black was so pissed off at the script for the movie, and what Nolan had done to the character of the Joker, that he killed Heath Ledger, so Ledger couldn't take credit for such an amazing character. Sirius Black has not seen the Dark Knight, and one of his representatives confirms that he has no plans to view it anytime soon
66. Victor Krum's top 10 boating destinations in Bulgaria The quidditch star describes his top 10 boating destinations in Bulgaria as the title suggests
65 Molly Weasley's top 5 places to buy themed socks (pocket edition) Good old Molly uses her knowledge of socks and business enterprise to compile her favorite suppliers.
64. Mad-Eye Moody. My Tiny Box We see what really what happened when he was gagged and bound in that giant wooden crate. We go through his hurtful experience and how he copes with the pain and judgery of today around Hogwarts.
63. Stubby Boardsman and his reach around voice Stubby Boardsman's (Popular Lead voice of 'The Hobgoblins' musical voice enables him to get into some quite mysterious situations, we see how he copes in Azkabam.
62. Parvarti Patil: Why I hate Professor Quirrel and Rohypnol The untold story of that time when Professor Quirrel 'got fresh' with Pavarti's butt hole
edit 51 - 60
60. Vernon Dursley's Muggle Kerfuffles The hunky muggle tells of his relationship with his obese son, his closet Nazi wife and secret family that he keeps in the shed.
59. Mollie's guide on proper Ghoul care. Molly Weasley shares with us some insightful tips on caring for your Ghoul.
58. A Collection of 36 Sonnets by Grawp This collection includes such classics as "BLAAARGO", "HAG", and everyones favorite "UUUGGGGHHHH???!!!"
57. Picking your Puffskein!
Ginny tells us some things to consider before acquiring your Puffskein.
56. Lucious Malfoy's Nazi Journal. He guides us through rallies, book burnings and death camps. And discovers his love of all things white and beautiful.
55. Lord Voldemort: The untold story The untold story of Lord Voldemort's secret desire to open his very own hair salon.
54. Ron Weasley's How to cope with Ginger Homosexuality. Ronald takes us through the pubescent nightmare that is gingerness and homosexuality combined to form this movie. He tells of how he coped and what you should do.
53. Even More Centaur Jokes The first two were enough,thanks.
52. Avoiding responsibilities the old-fashioned way: by becoming famous and cool Albus Dumbledore illustrates his daring escape from having to look after his retarded sister and goat-loving brother.
51. Peter Pettigrew's guide on being a rat. Peter Pettigrew gives some useful tips on how to be a rat undetected for 15 years straight!
50. Luna Lovegood and the Crumple Horned Snorkack
The author died before completing webpage so please help by completing with funny not stupid books. Duh.
49. Albus Severus Potter & Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy: My Parents HATE me! The spawn-ahem, kids of the so called "sworn enemies" reflect on their weird names and all of the times they were picked on at Hogwarts.
48.Jimmy Savile and the Chamber of Courts
Learn what happens when you try to Fix It for too many young wizards and witches with your magic wand.
47.Harry Potter vs. the Soviets
Sent to the Gulag forever for using underage magic, Harry leads a sad life. He'll have to use more underage magic if he is to escape the Gulag and the merciless soviet aurors alive. The soviets have dirty dark arts spells up their sleeves, including Reverso Russo, which makes Russian Reversals out of all magical spells, Sputnik Leviosa, which sends anything hit by it into space, and the mother of all spells Nuclear Mundus, which blows up the whole world with gloriously magical radiation. Harry will have to avert nuclear disaster as well as escape the Gulag in this epic thriller.
46.Weasley Power: Ginger Hour
Kick back with the Weasley's and enjoy various video excerpts such as: 'George's Dead Twin', 'Life as a Daywalker', 'Gingers in Space' - Harry Potter even makes a cameo in the except: "I banged your sister, cause you stole Hermoine."
45.The Gringotts Guide to Banking
The goblins over at Gringotts released this economics guide where they teach us how they magic money out of thin air and how they plan to destroy muggle economies in revenge for centuries of oppression by humans. There are unconfirmed rumors that copies of this book made their way into the hands of muggle bankers.
44.Asian Girls With Harry Potter
Cho Chang, Pavarti Pamil - Harry does seem to have a fetish with Asian People. Here he presents us his choice of "hot asians" and gets to "meet and try them". Make sure that Ginny doesn't find out! Shown at 2am on a satellite channel that no one watches.
43. Dumbledore's Closet Quest
Dumbledore's autobiography, in which he disscusses falling in love with a young boy named Harry Potter and yet still found a way to stay deep in his closet. *Note: Includes an epiologue by Harry himself which simply reads "OMG, that explains that one night in his office..."
42. Harry Potter and the Fanfiction of Doom
When Harry meets a 5'10 blonde hair blue eyed young girl that is totally not called Mary Sue, Hermione becomes jealous and starts sleeping around the Gryffindor Dormitories in order to gain his attention. Also many typos and plotholes ensue.