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“Captain, Why are we heading for that rock?”
“I declare this town of Wormit the Royal Burgh of Newport-On-Tay”
“What a lovely bridge”
“Dinnae Dae that again, yon fine brig”
“Victory shall be mine! all Mine! ahem Ours”
Wormit is a metropolis on the north coast of the Socialist Republic of Fife, Scotland. Its next nearest Neighbour is the City of Tayport. Wormit possesses a small Suburb called Newport-On-Tay together they make up the Burgh of Newport-On-Tay.
Burgh Of... Where?
The incorrect naming of the Burgh occurred thanks to some minor wind damage to the main arterial route from the near by Hamlet of Dundee where Comrade Victoria I had been inspecting one of her latest projects, a school for the underprivileged in Dundee known as the High School of Dundee. Due to this mishap and Captain Rankine of the Ferry 'Woodhaven' waking up with a stinking hangover Comrade Victoria was required to take the ferry to Newport Pier.
On arrival the Free Newport splinter group of the Wormit City Communist Party hijacked the coach and convinced her that Newport was really the large town and that Wormit was simply a farm owned by the Wormit Liberal Party.
Following this the Newport Burgh rulers decreed that all Wormiters be banned from using the Newport ferry, this resulted in all Wormiters being forced to ensure Captain Wullie Rankine was ejected from the pub before he had a drink.
Unfortunately Wullie was a weak one for the drink and many successful campaigns by the Newport Temperance movement resulted in Wullie being "pissed as a newt" most mornings and allowed them to proclaim to all travellers that you won't find a more sober ships captain than the Newport ferryman.
This sad episode in the history of the city has caused much blood shed over the years as riots regularly occur over just which territory Netherlea Hospital is in.
The result of the last riot was that Wormit successfully claimed Neatherlea, the polis station, Waterston Crook sports centre, the Toll Booth and the castle on Castle Brae. However while the Wormiters backs were turned the Newporters occupied the pub and turned it into a Temperance hall.
While their motives for this move are obvious they neglected to notice that both the Bowling Club and Masonic Lodge are licensed premises.
Despite being in the Socialist Republic of Fife and the local turmoil the City and its neighbours are known for returning non-socialist politicians to the national assembly.
This may be in part to do with the theft of the local assembly from Cupar to Glenrothes in the 1970s. A token measure left by the Glenrothes management was the retaining of a district council called the Socialist Gathering of Friends of North East Fife, this was ripped away from the area in the mid 1990s when the Assembly allegedly got fed up of the non-existance of socialist members of the Gathering, however it is also believed locally that the gatherings members made up entirley of Blue Bruisers and Gold Diggers turning up at Fife house and bringing a halt to any business was also part of the reason. Critics of the Gatherings tactics retain their belief that setting fire to the coal in the rest of Fife would have worked a lot better.
North East Fife is renowned for refusing to return a Socialist representative, with many a socialist candidate returning to the coal fields with a broken arm, black eye, cracked rib and a twisted knee. To add insult to injuiry the nurses at Netherlea regardless of whether it be in Newport or Wormit at the time allways insist on giving such candidates a Blue and Gold stookie.
The city of Wormit has suffered from a reduction in transport services in recent years. In part due to the on going dispute with the Newporters who have blocked the main road at the current boundary for the last 6 years. Many Wormiters counter the newporters crowing of having blocked off Wormit with the suggestion that since Newporters parking is so bad, half the time you can't get any further than the Newport Co-Op without having your wing mirror ripped off by someone doing a reverse park onto the the double yellows at the chipper.
The Newporters have also failed to notice that there are 3 routes to the wider world out the other end of Wormit.
These roads take you to the 'European Super route' 92 which links Wormit and indeed the rest of Fife to the Dundee free state and to The English Crown Dependancy of Lothian. In addition to this link road there is also a minor road leading to The Gauldry where the Wormit town council regularly send stray Newporters to for corrective punishment. Those who fail to recover after being introduced to the beverages on offer at the Gauldry Arms are regularly planted in the grounds of Peacehill Farm which is reputed to produce the best tasting Potatoes to go with your Steak and Ale pie. Due to an error in the Ordance Survey of Wormit some failed Newporters were placed under carrot land of Wormit farm, this resulted in a disastrous crop which killed off the farm and is now scheduled for developemnt as the latest Tinksville.
Recent traffic calming work in wormit has resulted in a number of white lines being removed from Kilmany road and a funny box that suggests you slow down when travelling at 28mph. This box has caused a new sport of Cycle Speeding to sprout, as yet the only person to succeed was Rodger Caldwell from the toun of Kingskettle who was clocked by the magic box at 33mph. He went on to claim glory and the grand prize of 20,000 Penny Sweets from Keiths. Kilmany Road was renamed from its legitimate name of Newton Park in the early 70's by the NOT council.
Wormit was until the 1960s served by a railway station, unfortunately the North British Railway company failed to do their research and build the station on the local line from Wormit to Leuchars via Newport and Tayport instead of the main line that goes via St Fort. After many years of struggling to get their trains through the barricades the line was eventually shut.
Both railway lines passing through Wormit reached the Dundee Free State by the means of a railway bridge immortalised by Free State Poet Laureate William Topaz McGonagall who wrote 'What a lovely bridge' unfortunately this was prior to the wind damage that diverted Comrade Victoria.
Tay Bridge Wind Damage
On some windy night in 1890 something and international non-stop express was crossing the Tay Bridge when a strong gust blew it and the bridge into the tay. Recent evidence that Newporters were to blame has been rubbished by the Newport Temperate City Council, Wormiter evidence also appears to agree (for once) with the Newporters and clearly put the blame on the bad design of Thomas Bouch pointing out that it was a English Crown Dependancy of Lothian based company which built, owned , maintained the damn thing and had nothing ot do with us.
Until recently the majority of the population of Wormit was involved in the manufacture of Honey. This was due to the siting of Steel and Brodie's Beehives on the Western Escape route. Unfortunately in the late 1990s Mr Steel had a falling out with Mr Brodie over a stinging incident that resutled in Mr Brodie being rushed to the local hospital suffering from severe Anaphalactic shock.
After this incident the population of Wormit suffered as the majority of the honey working population were made redundant. fortunately many found further employment with rival honey plants in Balmerino and Tayport
Wormit at present holds the Waterstone Crook Sports Center which is based at the top of Castle Brae, this site is often the center of land claim riots and it cannot be guaranteed to be on Wormit teritory when you visit.
At present it poseses a reception building containing funciton room, changing rooms, prison and vending machines. A sports hall which contains a Bouncy Castle and multi-purpose floor area. The outside football and Rugby pitches are regularly described in the local rag Wormit Free Post as being a Quagmire.
In addition to the sports center wormit boasts a vast playing field at the local scool, however use is restriced due to Newporters inflitrating the defences, thought to be by a route through St Fort farm. THese newporters are believed to be behidn the Human Faeces at the kitchen door affair of 1995.
The local boating club are top in Western Europe League of Naval Warfare, this is thoguht to be partly due to the amount of practice they get from attacking the recently defunct Newport Boating Club during a recent land riot.
The Bowling club are similarly successful as is the Cricket club who import players from The Gauldry their success is also though to be down to Ordnance practice during Land Riots.
In the latest Naval Warfare League match Wormit white washed the Tayport club with a 20 - 0, St Andrews and Broughty Ferry lifeboats are still involved in the search for Surviving Tayport members.
In the early naughties, the boathouse beneath the Tay Bridge became notorious as a youth drinking establishment. Many a virginity was taken and many fingers were wetted in the vicinity. The boathouse attracted people from afar, including Tayport and even Gauldry. Activities included throwing stones at floating empty cans of Tennents and passing trains on the bridge above, as well as hiding booze from police as they made their frequent trips to the site. Highlights of such evenings include a group of lads paying two girls from 2 years below to pull for 20p.
Alas, the good times had to come to an end. The removal of the one and only lightbulb prevented any congregations of youths or similarly undesirable people. This resulted in a "special lighter fund" to be established to pay for burning logs and dried weeds.
Waterstone Crook Disaster of 1983
When Waterstone Crook Sports Center was built it was on land claimed by he Newporters, they built it with an inflatable dome which on a calm day in 1983 blew away. Unfortuantely for the Wormiters they had only recently claim the land, and after a failed attempt to sue Newport into replacing the dome due to their negligence in failing to fix the guy ropes before the land was claimed a mock riot was initiated by Wormit with the sole intention of losing the centre to Newport in the hope they could claim it back after it had been repaired. This tactic took 10 years longer than epxected but control was regained in 1993 before being lost again in 1994, regained in 1997, lost again in 2001 and reclaimed last week on the 20th of April 2007. ooooooooooooooooooooosh
Wormit has been host to a nubmer of shops in the past.
Those that have passed into history include:
The Shopping Basket - A Conveniance store on Rankies Corner (named after legendary Ferry Captain Wullie Rankine) this sadly closed due to lack of custom despite there being a new housing estate built next door, Newportarian sabotage is suspected.
BJ's - The Risquely named Hairdressers, owned by a Canadian Newporter who some how got round the barricades, shut up shop and moved to his native Canada in the late 90s. Rumours that he was chased out of town after the Newport Temperance movement thought the shop name related to Adult material are venemantly denied by the NTM who claim, that it was his emigrant status that caused him to be forced out of town, they also request that information as to where the pornographic contents of the shop can be found be provided asap.
The Tasty House - Home of the most boggin food of Chinese origin in the known world. This was closed down after it was discovered that the food was being poured into the Tay and the fat was being served to customers.
The Butchers - Purveyor of Fine locally slaughtered meat, shut down due to lack of custom long before the evil empire of Tesco started building supermarkets nearby.
Shop at the top of Bay road (Miss Hammie's - purveyor of sweeties to schoolboys in the 1960's and long before))- This closed down donkeys ago when the owners retired.
Goldings - General store and Post office until Mr G was caught in the 70's.
The Warhammer shop - this shop has always just sat there looking rundown and forlorn,it is rumoured to have never actually been open.
The Post Office - The post office in Wormit handles a total of 5 letters and parcels a day, this is in part put down to the fact that the Newport Post office doubles up as a model car/bus/train shop. Suggestions that the Wormit PO have missed a trick are confirmed by the steady flow of Wormit men disguised by brown mackintosh jackets crossing the border clutching the latest Hornby 0-6-0 Diesel Shunter model.
Keith Shoapie - The center point of Wormit society is the local grocers, despite the shop keeper himself travelling from near Perth every day to run the place. Selling everything from Penny sweets at the rate of 8 for 10p through Bananas, Soap Powder, Creamola Foam and the Beano to the latest edition of Fiesta. This is also designated as the meeting point should the Church hall on Bay Road ever go up in smoke and for the local BB company (the 1st Newport and Wormit) who each year make a token gesture and tavel from their Newport base to commemorate the dead of wormit from WW1, WW2 and every Land Riot since 1919.
Hairdressers - Despite losing its amusing name it is still run by foreigners who appear to arrive on the 0800 bus from Dundee Seagate every morning.
The most common form of non-Land Riot Newportarian interference is sign fiddling, the most recent case being an editation of the W and removal of the R from the cast iron sign at the Country end of the city.
It is unknown where the first Tinksville was in wormit, some suggest it may have been "New Dundee" which is now known as Newport. however as this as a rule currently stands it must be discounted.
The first recorded Tinksville in Wormit was on the completion of Mars Gardens and Woodhaven Avenue, this is thought to have been the first time that anyone living in wormit was not snobby enough to live in wormit.
The next credible challenger was the Riverside Gardens complex however they don;t look like council houses and so the ugly due remained in place as tinksville
This is thouht to have remained the case despite the bulk building of houses on Peachill golf course and Flass farm in the middle of the 20th centuary.
Sadly when it looked like the incumbents would make it through the centuary as tinksville Kingdom housing association built some new houses on the old station, despite protests and riots about the blocking off of the local drinking den at Ratty Tunnel.
Wormit has been home to a number of celebrities
George Duffus the Dundee comedian lived in Wormit for a while. Whether or not this was part of one of his gags is unknown
Dogs Die In Hot Cars these rock superstars have been setting the world on fire with literally every resident of wormit owning a copy of their debut album.