World of Warcraft

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World of Warcraft
Designer SnowFlake Entertainment
Genre MMORPGOMFGROTFLMFAONOOBWTFBBQ
Version 2.1.337.4U
ESRB Rating DA - Dangerously Addicting (18+)
Number of Players Over 9000!!!!!!!!! (what! thats impossible!)
Addiction Rate 99% (The other one percent died from lack of social activity & sports (AKA physical activity))- mostly Koreans
System Requirements 284 gegs of RAM, DRAM, QRAM and FRAM, SPAM, 54 gegahertz CPU, dartboard, 666 x 1337 pixel Monitor, braces & single parents, Commodore 64,
Inputs Keyboard, Mouse, Speaker, Life, Soul, Cat
“Im Ozzy Osborne, And im the Prince of Darkness”
~ Ozzy Osborne on WoW
“We are far superior to those noobs. I mean, we have 18 million Asian kids whu tinkz dey iz gangsta on our server. And what do you have? 18 MILLION FAT KOREANS!! THERE'S NO COMPETITON!! Jolly good, old chap.”
~ RUNESCAPE STAFF on WoW
“I'm MR T and i'm a night elf warhawk!”
~ Mr T on what he is
“Because paying 15 bucks a month to grind is just that much fun... LEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... JENKINS!!!!”
~ Leeroy Jenkins on World of Warcraft
“LOL NOOB NOOB ROFL!”
~ Average WOW fan on World of Warcraft
“OMG u NUBS, ju shall INCUR mai wrath!”
~ Oscar Wilde as the Bitch King on World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Bitch King
“You mean n00bs?”
~ Edgar Allen Poe on Correct 13375P34K
“I wonder if the dances can ballet!”
~ Billy Elliot on World of Warcraft
“Gleiven!”
~ Professor Frink on World of Warcraft
“SUNLIGHT?? WTF???? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
~ The average WOW gamer on sunlight entering their room/basement
“I love paying 15 bucks (FIXED. NO NEED TO PUT AN INSULT, JUST FIX IT) a month to play wow,its fun and a waste of money”
~ logic person that realises that wow is a waste of money on WOW

World of Warcraft is a MMORPG (Massively Moronic Online Repetitive Playing Game) which is a parody on the game World of Whorecraft, made by SnowFlake Entertainment. The latest version is an MMORPGOMFGROTFLMFAONOOBWTFBBQ, the current genre of choice. It is based in the fictitious world of Azeroth: a warring land where the denizens mercilessly annihilate any kittens, rabbits, kobolds, wolves, orcs, crazed half-demon/half-elves, and any other small moving object that crosses their path on an endless quest to level up.

This is terrorism at its finest! The challenge of the game lies chiefly in the sheer volume of animals needing to be be interacted with. It is estimated that players need to interact with roughly one completely packed cubic mile of animals before reaching the fabled level 80; at which point you will have lost your life, your job, your friends and have become a soulless fiend eating nothing besides donuts, ramen noodles, and the occasional Slim Fast. Should you perchance need to rest your index finger for a while, you could always chat with other losers with no life, or sell plastic daggers to newbies for like 50 gold.


Server types

There are 4 server types, available to all the rich people who pay for WoW:

Normal: Also known as 'PvE', these servers are designed for cowards. You cannot attack enemy players, and they cannot attack you, unless you choose it. Best for all those who cannot understand or don't want to understand that they are weak.

PvP: These servers are designed for bloodthirsty idiots. You can attack anyone, anywhere, at any time of day. You only get points for killing players that are around the same level as you, but you can still go on a screaming rampage of death and destroy the World of Warcraft as we know it by killing all the lowbies. Apparently. 13375P34K is a neccesity in these servers to survive the wrath of all the uber peeveepeers.

RP: The worst of the four choices for all those who neither have nor need a social life. RP servers have rules to make sure that you are, in fact, living as your character. Homosexuality is often a trait needed by the player to survive.

RP-PvP: Let's calculate: if RP means antisocial idiot, and PvP means bloodthirsty idiot then RP-PvP means antisocial, bloodthirsty idiot squared. Got it?

Private Servers: Played on by cheapskates who are too lazy, broke, or ashamed of their spouse finding the bill for WoW on the credit card statement; these illegally free servers are essentially for self confessed n00bs who can't level their characters without cheats.

Conspiracy

Although WoW may seem to be a mild and innocent game, there are conspiracy theories popping up all over the place about it. Recently, professional Conspiracy team, Mael Rozet and Kiev Simonfy, have found incriminating proof that WoW is not so innocent. When interviewed, they told us the truth of WoW: apparently the word "WoW" is actually a secret code that when flipped backwards and copied into Microsoft Word with font changed to wingdings, shows a German flag with arrows pointing up to show that Germany, the homeland of the creator of WoW is planning to take over the world. Rozet and Simonfly have won multiple conspiracy awards for proving that trees are mirages.

“The evidence is absolutely convincing!”
~ Simonfy on WoW Conspiracy
.


Addiction

World of Warcraft is one of the most addicting drugs known to man, monkey, dolphin, and Dwarves. Unlike other drugs, WoW is not injected or snorted (although it can be if you're an experienced level 70), but played, mostly among nerds and geeks. Your momma warned you, but you wouldn't listen.

If any of the following symptoms should materialise, you need to alt + f4 immediately:

  • Bleeding Eyes: Often caused by watching all the other players fly by you while you're still killing level 1 scorpions in some stupid desert. This can be treated by running into the bathroom and giving yourself a vicious swirly.
  • Bleeding Fingertips: Mainly caused by repeatedly spamming the same button repeatedly, if this is a common affliction for you, it is recommended you do not play as a Mage or a Rogue for fear of aggravating your condition.
  • Sexual Contractions: This DoT (damage over time) debuff is caused by being attracted to female Night Elves, and can quickly be cured by your average, 'run of the mill', pornography.
  • Death: Sometimes observed because you played WoW for 2.5 months straight, often caused by disconnecting during BWL or MC. There is no prescribed treatment for this... I suppose your best bet is to hang around and wait for some nice priest to resurrect you...

Combat

Ss19
A typical scene in-game.

Combat in World of Warcraft presents a scene similar to releasing a baboon with a crayon in a coloring book factory: there's no real way of knowing where the baboon will color, and where he'll leave a steamy pile of "hello". SnowFlake designed the combat system to be fairly autonomous, but there is no real way of knowing how much damage you will deal to the intended target or even if you'll hit the target at all.

Critical Strikes involve Line Dancing. You have a set percentage to do double damage every time you attack in any way. Magic has it's own Critical Strike (CS) percentage, as does simple cooking. The ability to do double damage has an equal chance of happening as someone wanting to kill themselves so they go to the edge of a cliff, tie a rope around their neck from a tree close by, drink poison, light themselves on fire, load a gun, jump off, shoot the gun at their head, miss, cut the rope, fall off the cliff and happen to fall into the one spot with water at the bottom, which puts out the flame and then vomit up the poison and live. It just doesn't happen.

Status Effects Stun, Fear, Sleep, Charm and Resurrection Sickness are all forms of Status Effects. In some (Stun and Sleep) you can not move. In others (Fear and Charm) you are limited in control of your character. Resurrection Sickness is notably the most irritating of status effects. It is not dealt in combat, but is a result of being dead, having intense laziness, and choosing to resurrect via the Spirit Healer. If you choose to, you can resurrect your character by a Spirit Healer, resulting in 25% durability damage to you armor and being weakened by 75% in all attributes. Thus, you've become Steve Urkel.

Immune is when you just can't be hurt by the attack. Only Chuck Norris is immune to everything. Creature's attributes tell how resistant they are to a certain element. If a creature is fully resistant, they are immune to damage for that type of damage. Again, Chuck Norris is the exception to the rule.

Bounce is when your character avoids being raped by an attack or spell. Like the other combat abilities, you can build up your dodge rating higher than Bill Clinton can dodge questions ("What do you mean by dodge?"). Again, a random roll via a percentage rating determines if you are hit by an attack. With some characters it is possible to dodge all attacks. These are called Twinks and they are hated by PvP players. Unless they, themselves, are twinks or on a twink's team.


Dying

When you die you run back to your body and all is well, much like in real life. Death happens quite often in WoW, and should not be looked upon as a negative, until you reach level 80. After reaching level 80, you are expected never to die, and if you do, everyone is allowed to spam insulting macros at you, such as /Spit, /Laugh, /Cry, and more recently /Hug.

If one does die, the only way to avoid the shame of death is via quick resurrection. If you are forced to resurrect at a Spirit Healer, it is advisable to wait for death once more, as Resurrection Sickness is more commonly known as Super-Mega-Turbo-AIDS.


Honor Kills

An Honor Kill is when you kill another player who is incapable of defending him/herself. You get 50 Honor Points for killing a character your level or above. For each level below your current level, you get an additional 50 points unless you are a Rogue. Rogues receive 100 points per level. If your character appears as a "skull" to the killed player, the murderer also receives bonus points. Camping bodies is encouraged by Blizzard, and killing characters in the middle of escort quests are not only rewarded by extra bonus points, but are great fun to chat about in your guild chat.

Many people falsely believe that while in contested territory, there is an understood rule that you will not attack enemy factions while they are completing quests. This can be signaled by a bow or dancing with enemy characters. In reality, this marks the start of a race to see who can complete their quest first and then go find and kill the character that you were having such a good time with only 15 minutes earlier.


Armor

Cylon
A hardcore WoW player in full Epic gear

Armor in World of Warcraft can be split into 3 categories: rags, pillows and tanks. Rags are better for spell casters, Pillows are better for comfort, and Tanks are better for defense. As you increase in level, you will gain access to more powerful armor. A similar system was originally used in the game Super Mario Bros, however SnowFlake quickly remedied this by having the game creators shot.

Armor Quality

There are different levels of armor quality in World of Warcraft, ranging from Gay to Algar Puce. Gay items are the worst quality, often nicknamed "Bludywastemybagspaceargh". The highest level of armor quality is Legendary (colored Brown); these items are Legendary in quality and reputation. If you wear it, people call you a twink. That means you suck because you bought your gold on eBay, then bought your character's armor on eBay. Dude.


Skills

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A popular WoW Tutorial for noobs used to playing the 'Lord of the Rings' Games.

Defense: Increases your ability to defend yourself from formidable foes, such as Bill Clinton

Damage: Increases your ability to build dams. This is useful in PvP if you need to block a river. Currently there are 0 rivers in WoW, making the skill difficult to train...

Summoning: Increases your ability to summon demons. Summoning is performed by reading anything backwards. example b00n. This spell summons a being of no power whatsoever.

Dying: Increases your ability to die. If you have high Dying, you will die before you reach 0 Health.

Baking: Actually having little to do with the cooking of wheat based products, baking involves intense sessions whereby your character must remain in a state of utter AFKness for at least two hours.

Killing: Increases your ability to kill. When you have 24 Killing ability points, you will be able to call down Chuck Norris from the heavens to roundhouse kick your foes. This is the equivalent of God Mode.

Wiping: Increases the speed at which you wipe the floor till it's spotless. This is, obviously, a vital skill in WoW. Who do you think cleans up the seas of gnome blood and tears from kara pugs?

Mining: Low budget way of making characters feel good, mining actually consists in looking for mines and jumping of them once you find them, you can also ask a friend to jump and laugh as he dies. This is also a excellent way to raise your Dying skills. Mining cultural beliefs consist in calling your friend a noob after he dies.

Leatherworking: An ancient and perfected skill in which players stab animal skins with needles until it transforms into something green and leet.


Twinks

Twinks are a common species of fag that breeds deep within the forests of warsong gulch. Their diet mainly consists of noobs who the day before realized that right click means attack. Dominant males of twink herds are also known to wear fishing hats.

Known species of twinks:

  • Rouges
  • Whorriros
  • (NOT)Shaman
  • Whorlocks
  • Mother-Funking-Running-Hunters


The Burning Crusade

In early 2007, an expansion of World of Warcraft was released called the Burning Crusade. Burning Crusade refers to emo pyromaniac kids's crusade to set things on fire, although it as also been likened to having herpes.

Outland

The new continent added to WoW in the Burning Children is Outland. It has been overrun by Clinjas, and most quests in the area deal with killing them. The only way to reach Outland is through the Bright Portal, which is guarded by Chuck Norris. You have to beat Chuck Norris to get into Outland. This is impossible unless you have a Chuck Norris helping you. Due to the paradoxical situation involving access to the Bright Portal, it has been reported that more than fourteen keen WoW players have committed adultery and/or suicide.

N00b Elves

A new race added in the Burning Children. They used to be plain old elves working for Santa Claus, but eventually they became so n00bish (plus the fact that they couldn't stop huffing mana) that Santa fired them, and they hate him for it. They joined the Horde because all its other members also hate Santa. Their homeland is called "Quel'thalas", which is Thalassian for "Noobie area".

They're the only Horde race that can be Bubbleboys.

Adding the N00b Elves to the Horde, however, was a very st00pid move because now all the 2-year-olds that are new are creating n00b elves, and this will lower the Horde average IQ to a measly 4, which somehow increases it even though they're n00bs. However it does increase the amount of babies they eat. N00b elves are constantly accused of being homosexual, mainly due to the fact that their mounts are cocks that come in every color of the rainbow.

Night elves hate N00b elves because they are better looking than them, this leads to many arena matches, usually involving all females and not involving any clothes... When this happens, multiple things can occur:

1. The server may crash due to overactivity in one area by horny nerds.

2. Players may record the matches for viewing on YouTube.

3. GMs may "accidentally" cancel the match, causing the female avatars to have to start all over again.

Note: # 3 is unlikely due to the fact that most GM's are too busy throwing players off cliffs or disposing of their mana potions.


Chinese Farmers

A kind of weird race in the World of Warcraft is the Chinese farmers. Watch out, 'cause these geeky bastards will try to rob you!

We suspect, that these Chinese farmers, in fact, originate from China. However, the Blizzard devs grew jealous of them, and deleted all of their first characters. They lost their minds, and became what we call, to this day, Koreans. They will also spend 25 hours a day in an internet cafe gold grinding until they die.

File:Chinesefarmer2.jpg
A typical Chinese farmer


Instances

Instances are areas in the world where only 5 people can be inside it at a time. If a 6th person enters the hard drives of the original 5 will burn up.

Dire Mall

Dire Mall is a level 55-60 instance that is actually one large shopping mall. It has three wings, called The Bay, Wal-Mart and Food Court.

In The Bay, the players have to fight off defective merchandise and poor customer service, among other powerful demons. The boss is called "Customer Service", who has 427864336424 health and hits for infinite damage. The only way to kill him is to summon Chuck Norris, who can kill him before getting hit by his attack, although Chuck Norris can probably survive Customer Service for at least a few hours.

In Wal-Mart, the players must fend off evil Satanic employees, low prices and even more powerful elementals. The boss is called "Happy Face of Doom", who has only 5 health, but in the first millisecond of the battle, he stares at you so hard you just die. The stare even goes through invincibility potions, blindness and nullifies soulstones.

In the Food Court, you have to kill burgers, pasta and even stronger food. This wing is the easiest wing if you have Homer Simpson on your side, who will simply eat the food. The boss is called "Salad". The only way to damage him is to eat him, but he is poisoned so eating him will also kill you before you finish. Homer Simpson however, is immune to poison. =D

The Deadmines

This instance is similar to Minesweeper, except all the mines are dead. None of them will go off. The instance is also infested with the Defias, a group of wannabe terrorists who try to plant live mines. You have to put a flag on them. Players must give attention to these mobs because some of the are said to be elite- this means they can make suicide bombs killing all players in 500 yards blast radius.

Bosses in Deadmines

Dora
One of the most powerful bosses in the game. Rumored to require 400 thousand players to defeat.

Sneed: This goblin will use his Shredder to make you into Diced Human (or Diced Gnome, or Diced Whatever). The simplest way to kill him is to unplug his Shredder, forcing Sneed to come out. Sneed himself only has 2 health, fortunately.

Smite:See the article on Smite for a good explanation of this boss.

Cookie: A giant Oreo. You have to eat him before it goes bad. The Cookie is so big, that is impossible without Homer Simpson, who eats at a rate of 100000000 tons per second. The only problem is to get Homer Simpson off the couch.

VanBeef: A big butcher van. You have to destroy it before it runs over you. A very easy boss, since you can simply pop its tires with a gun, so it can't run you over. Known affectionately as VanQueef due to his ultimate attack which is to let out a supersonic vagina fart causing 666-6666 damage to all nearby Alliance noobs not wearing ear plugs.

Yag eht Fladnag: A giant pink onion flavored platypus with gills and a silly blue tail. It has never been seen nor has its existence been proven. Rumors say he doesn't exist, but of course we don't trust rumors.(Read his name backwords)


Wrath of the Lich King

In November 2008, SnowFlake released a second expansion for World of Warcraft called Wrath of the Lich King. The goal for this expansion pack consists of travelling to the brand-new continent of Northrend to kill even more monsters in order to reach the new level cap of 80. Some new features include the barber shop, achievements, and the moronic Death Knight class.

Northrend

This is the new continent added to Azeroth in Wrath of the Lich King. Also where Santa Claus plays World of Warcraft when he is sick of whipping elves to make toys for those brats we all love.

Death Knight

One of the new addition in Wrath of the Lich King consist of a new "hero" class called the Death Knight. Not only does Death Knights totally NOT fit into the lore, but they are stupidly overpowered without any valid reason of being so. Their talents trees specializations are Blood, Frost and Unholy (aka I-res-into-a-ghoul-to-suck-more). Death Knights are available to every single race in the game, which again, is something totally stupid. To create a Death Knight on a realm, one must possess a character level 55 and up on the said realm.

Arthas, the Lich King

As of early 2009, no additional information have been released about the endgame content, the final raid, which consists of killing the Lich King (Arthas) in the Icecrown Citdael. The Lich King is rumored to possess a billion HP and 27 total phases of combat. His melee strikes are said to randomly hit between 1 and 100 000 damage with a 100% critical strike chance. Some also say that he will not have an aggro mechanism, but that is unlikely to happen.

Achievements

The World of Warcraft achievements are simply another way of making the greasy, nerdy, virgin subscribers keep paying per month. There are hundreds of meaningless achievements in WoW, many of said achievements are actually IMPOSSIBLE to get! Each comes with its own set number of "points" even though for doing something that is insanely hard (such as sneezing without closing your eyes twice in a row) will get you the same amount of points as if you just bought a bag(no kidding).Some achievements even grant prizes, one of which is a pet skunk which will occasionally fart and kill any players within a 50-mile radius (including the skunk's owner).

See also

MMORPGs
Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online
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