World War XII
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“I've covered this war!”
~ Frank West on World War XII
“... and that way our world doesn't have to be fucked up!”
~ Omar Diab on Past Wars
“... How many wars did we have ? I have bean sleeping in all of them !”
~ Lenin on in this WTF Wars
“Reincarnation of a second reincarnation? Hell, let's do it!”
~ Some German Guy on Summoning Hitler
World War XII was originally intended just to be a reenactment of the vaunted World War V. A group of dedicated reenactors in 2243 decided that they wanted to reenact World War V with real weapons firing real bullets and really die in the process. However, they realized that this would be a course of action likely to screw up the world of the 2240's, and, not wanting to spoil it for everyone else, they came up wiuth a simple solution: buy/build a large time machine, bring all of the reenactors (22.3 million of them) back to the 2060's where the real World War V was taking place, time stop all of the 2060-ans, fight the war, and hope that they don't notice. Now this was all fine until during the second year of the reenactment a brilliant Lebanese politician named Omar Diab decided that this would be a great way to solve real-world disputes without messing up the current world and immediately declared "past war" on Antartica. Lebanon, Antartica, and Cambodia (no one knows why they joined) sent their armies back to the time-stopped 2060's, immediately consrcipted all surviving reenactors who were currently re-fighting the battle of Saint Louis, and fought their own war. However, back in the 2240's, more disputes were cropping up.
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[edit] The War Develops
In 2245, the Lebanese began strategic economic sanctions against Germany regarding the importation of cedar and Islamicmilitants (Lebanon's only real exports), and the Germans responded by summoning the reincarnation of the second reincarnation of Hitler, who immediately used his Fuhrer powers to mobilize the German war machine. Instead of being sensible and destroying Lebanon (whose armies were all in the 2060's) Hitler drove his Panzer tanks and Panzergrenadiers and Panzerschreks and Panzerfausts (but no actual panzers) back to the 2060's and began a blitzkrieg for the seventeenth reich. He then immediately built "Fuhrerbunker Mk.II" and hid.
[edit] The Battle of East Luxemborg
On January 5, 2245 (time in a time-stop zone has no meaning, relevance, or curly fries) the German and Cambodian armies met in East Luxemborg and immediatley began a massive game of badminton. The game, which had no moderators was declared a contact sport by the Germans. This led to a gradual escalation of the game's intensity until finally one of the Cambodian laser turrets shot a German player. The Germans tank-rushed the Cambodians, stole the shuttlecock, and drove them clear to the Alps. There at last the Lebanese Air Force dropped their secret weapon on the Germans, Nuck Chorris. Ignoring his previous affiliations, Nuck Chorris instantly defeated the Germans, and the battle was over. The Third Germasn Wehrmacht was pushed back into southern France, never a good spot to be if you want to fight a war, and were driven back by relentless attacks on two fronts, effectively ending the German presence ion Western Europe for the next several years.
[edit] The War in Africa
In 2244, James Gonzales, Emperor Supremo of Uganda, declared that he was in the war but that this forces were on no one's side. He immediately ordered his soldiers to begin a massive orgy in 2060's Africa, prompting a quick response from the Germans, who wanted in on the action. The Emperor Supremo was repeatedly butt-raped, to the point of death. It was only after his death that all learned he was both non-black and communist. Uganda was laughed at until the onset of World War XIV.
[edit] Chuck Norris and Gemma Armstrong's Assault
At this point the Third German Wermacht was almost completely destroyed with a few stragglers retreating south through Italy. Hitler decided that he neede some true inspiration on how to run the war, so he summoned the Spirit of Chaos, better known as the spirit of George W. Bush. bush immediately authorized a troop surge and the Cambodians were beaten back. The Americans, at first reluctant to enter a war commanded on one side by any incarnation of Hitler, now were irresistably compelled to enter the war on Germany's side. It has been estimated that every human and the majority of armadillos from the State of Texas immediately time warped to the 2060's to side with Bush. With an influx of new soldiers, the First and Fourth Wehrmachts began campaigns in Finland, attempting to root out Antartican resistance. Meanwhile, as an effort by Chuck Norris and Gemma Armstrong to secure 2060's Cambodia was underway, a cunning Texan, Colonel Frank McClintock, tookthree battalions of Waco cultists (they have better guns than the military) and set a trap to finish Chuck Norris off once and for all. His forces literally filled the air with bullets, sent in suicide bombers, issued a search warrant against themselves just to get police assistance, and holed up in Mt. Carmel version two, but it was not enough to stop Nuck Chorris's onslaught. The few survivors committed suicide. Cambodia was mostly destroyed in the process.
[edit] End of the War
Desperate for a victory in the war, the American-German alliance turned over control of their armies to nerdy RTS players. Success seemed imminent, as most of the nerds had more military "training" than three generals combined. In fact, major victories were won in Mexico, Patagonia, and the Ukraine. That is, until their newest recruit was actually a WoW player. Dismayed that his army contained no level-70 Paladins, or indeed, no Paladins at all. He was sent to invade the Vatican, but Pope John Paul XIV gave control of his army to Jimi Hendrix who used purple haze to confuse the already disoriented sword-wielding soldiers of the American-German army. As more and more forces were sent to reinforce the position assaulting the Vatican, other Cambodian-Lebanese-Antartican forces attacked on the flanks. The war finally ended with no change at the Vatican front as anti-war protesters in 2247 finally convinced the governments to recall their forces and end the time-stop. The war ended with no arguments solved and all soldiers pissed, as well as both sides remaining mad at each other; this would very indirectly lead to World War XIX. F*%#ing hippies.
[edit] Casualties
A lot of people died, including a fuck lode of priests and bishops on the Vatican front, people who thought since they could play Call of Duty 4 that they could pwn other people fighting, but ending up calling the other side hackers and noobs for using flamethrowers, but apparently they didn't give a fuck and killed them anyway. The Pope ordered every WoW player's character to be taken back to level 1, which led to a mass suicide. The pope was arrested for game genocide and for causing several billion suicides (yes so many nerds during the war) , a new pope was elected, who's first order was to change the title of pope to the Omnipotent Legendary All-Powerful Space Pope Dictator, which led to the Holy Wars, but that is history. Nerd Deaths: not enough, Everyone else: everyone but the Irish who where too busy trying to get back Northern Ireland even though all of England got nuked by North Korea who where testing to see if there nukes where good enough to kill everyone in England. They were right.
[edit] Time Continuity Issues
This war is classified as World War XII because it technically started in 2243 and ended in 2247, after World War XI but before XIII . This is despite the fact that the selfish bastards refused to fight on their own planet. There are no confirmed dates of exactly when in the 2060's most battles occurred, partially because
- A. No one bothered to check
- B. As aforementioned, there is no time in a time stop, and
- C. Even though we know it took place during World War V in the 2060's, World War V spanned the whole decade and more.
- D. All the original reenactors who may have known were dead by 2245
Also, this war is generally blamed for Cambodia's four-month disappearance in 2063.
[edit] See also
| World Wars |
| I | I ½ | II | II ½ | III | IV | IV ½ | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | ∞ |
| The Second World War II | World War π | World War Revolution | World War Collectors Boxset | The Video Game | The Sequel to the Video Game | The Board Game | World War What | World War Craft |
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