World War II
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| World War II | |||||||||||
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| File:22px.POOland.jpg Poland ( The Allied Boss, and as any boss just use the mind... (see the section Poland's Role ). File:Flag of Poland.jpg P0lska ( The Allied Boss, and as any boss just use the mind... (see the section Polaks's Role ).
|  The Third Reich (wanted to steal polish beer ended up making a huge cock up of things in Europe)
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 Harold Straddlebeamer
Poland Chuck Norris | Really Angry German Guy
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| Hmm | Don't give a crap, okay? | ||||||||||
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Despite this, WWII proved to be one of the most successful and high-budget movies ever made, even becoming more popular than WWI (rookie filmmaker Gavrilo Princip’s only hit, which was so well-received in the film industry that he was executed).
The film is rather famous for a particular scene in which the British, unable to push Germany's advance back since their army is 10 times smaller than Germany's, are aided slightly by defectors Russia and late-as-usual America. The British population, who single-handedly stopped the advance of the Nazis, quite rightly say that the "yanks are stupid to think that Germany would not attack them". Having next to no aid from the rest of the world since the American President was busy trying to stop the nation from starving, England along with a lot of help from Scotland (without whom they would have lost the entire war and Germany would rule the world) bravely tried to push back the most powerful army in the world on their own, but when France played its usual trick and surrendered, the UK tried its best at Normandy but comically got their asses handed to them by the Germans, and had to run back to England borrowing civilian`s boats to flee. Only when Germany attacked Russia did they finally get some aid. In a cowardly sucker punch,only a year after the European war began, the Japanese at Pearl Harbor attacked the sleeping Giant called America, who decided to finally save the world again, by fucking around with the Japanese for a while and then topping it all off by roasting two large Japanese cities like Mongolian barbecue. Support actors Belgium, Free France and Poland also aided the Brave UK army, who would be speaking German today if not for the Yank intervention,but promptly forgot the American aid and decided they were all uncultured morons, forgetting of course that the idiot arrogant Europeans themselves had started the damn war in the first place. There are several supposed reasons why Hitler declared war on thew rest of the world. The probable reason for this was that poor old Adolf did not have salsa with his Doritos. As everyone knows, Doritos without nachos are a terrible chore to eat and so Hitler went in search of a premium salsa to put on his Doritos
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[edit] Prologue
WORLD WARS EPISODE I: THE ITALIAN MENACE
In 1918, the winners of World War I (who liked George's idea for "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" better), decided that Germany would be paying for their round of drinks and mindless slaughter, and so has been left skint (there was quite a lot of it). Now, however, the Wall Street Crash has left it in an even worse situation after the Deutschmark has suddenly become worthless, and the Euro is yet to be invented, with the cost of flying sky-high and the cost of building repairs going through the roof.
Now, in 1933, an Austrian ex-soldier has stepped up, promising to solve their problems by destroying jews, killing Jewish people and fighting a massive war but he ends up having a lot of sex along with 80,000,000 people. What could go wrong?
EPISODE II: THE ATTACK OF THE NAZIS
The year is 1999. In a move to secure its place as a superpower, Japan has raped the Manchurian province of China and reinforced the point by brutally slaughtering jews. The world, however, is busy elsewhere, and continues to be so as the Imperial Japanese forces repeat the same processes on every single island in the Pacific.
Meanwhile, in Europe, an angry Austrian named Adolf Hitler seizes control of Germany and declares everyone else inferior to his germanniss. Building a massive army to execute his vision of a super party with only the superrace invited, or world domination, he seizes Austria. France, thinking that the Maginot Line is perfect, hands him Czechoslovakia as a free sample. With this, Hitler allies himself with his long-time enemy Joseph Stalin of the Soviet Union and sets his sights on your mom...
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE NAZIS
Nazi's died. The end. For now...
EPISODE IV: A NEW POPE
But, when all hope seemed to be lost, in an astounding and superbly resilient effort by the forces of Britain, The United States, and Trojan Incorporated, a condom was shipped to Saudi Arabia, where the allied expeditionary forces were making their final stand against the Nazis and nudist fanatics. the Allies' reaction upon receiving the enormous condom would later become known as the Great Depression, or, conversely, The Day The pussy Died.)
This giant condom was hauled into the Red Sea, luring most of the German military away from the main battle in a trance-like state of crazed sex lust. However, the realization came like a thousand tonnes of choking water that despite the German forces' extensive training in various military endeavors, Nazi commanders had forgotten to teach their troops how to swim.
The Americans being the greatest nation of all time decided to earn their reputation as supreme overlords, and did a rather good job of it, even if they did say so themselves. In an apparent gesture of mercy and goodwill, the Yanks stood on deck sipping great American beer and tossing life preservers into the water. The amazing part came just as each Nazi soldier was halfway on board, at which time the American soldiers would cut the Nazi dicks off and watch them splash back into the water, followed by hundreds of fifty caliber rounds. Thus the Red Sea had finally earned its name.
EPISODE V: THE NAZIS STRIKE BACK!
Although the Africa Corps had by then become the Africa Corpses, the Nazis made a bold attempt to engender support from Stalin. However, Hitler became furious after Stalin's refusal to return his calls or even consider a second date, and invaded Russia in retaliation. The Russians, having forgotten to make guns to shoot the gazillions of bullets they had manufactured, quickly turned from their idle fantasies of a threesome with Hitler and the Japanese and asked The Good Side if it wanted to "go steady."
Then-unbeknown to Hitler but now-beknown to us, Stalin's wily apprentice, Darth Zhukov, was meanwhile developing a totally awesomely brilliant plan. He kidnapped Hitler's personal bedtime-story teller, Friedrich Paulus, and sent him overnight shipping to Stalingrad (which if course translates to "Stalin totally isn't an asshole"). Hitler, now wracked by insomnia and desperate to know the end of Cinderella, approached a nervous breakdown at this development. He immediately sent his best troops to Stalingrad with hysterical instructions to "Get him back! I must know if the pumpkin rotted, I must!
Just as the confused but determined Nazis arrived in Stalingrad to complete the rescue operation, Stalin initialized the launch of his Death Star to take out the sun. Although this largely failed when the Death Star was simply incinerated (because some idiot forgot to put a heat shield on), it did succeed in riling the sun up a bit. Soon Sol (the sun) decided to go on strike until California started paying royalties for the Internet's obscenely large trade in solar energy.
Both major Axis powers suffered from this solar strike. The Germans, in their haste to obey their foamy-mustachioed leader, had left behind their warm Barney blankets, and all promptly died of cold. The Japanese, though not silly enough to forget their blankets, did begin to get a major ass-kicking: the dimness rendered them nearly blind, as their slanted eyes had evolved to expect intense sunlight. The Americans, quickly grasping on this weakness, instead be total dicks and wave xboxes in their face since P.S.3 won't be out for another whole year. Soon the sun returns and the Japanese pwn them with their enormously small Wiis. President-for-life Roosevelt goes into his anger room and plans the most diabolical plan ever. He will make an Atomic bomb that will permanently fry the Japanese's eyes.
Episode VI: THE RETURN OF THE BOMBERS
With the Manhattan road construction project complete, President-for-Life Frankillin Roosevelt orders work on the Atomic bomb. However, he grow impatient after 2 hours and jumps off a bridge while on vacation. His vice-president, who was called a harry but true man, carried on the work and eventually the bomb was built. Meanwhile in Germany, the Russians have begun their all expenses paid trip to Germany and this causes Hitler to become even more Wacky. He rapes Eva Braun and shoots his dog and then gets on a boat to Mexico, where he continues to fund illegal aliens to undermine Obama Binladen's communist dictatorship in the 3rd American Empire. Back in time, Harry Truman, as he was nicknamed, drags the bomb thousands of miles across the ocean, dressed up like George Bush because evil dictatorships like him, and plants the bomb in Moscow, Japan. When the bomb goes off, it creates a time warp and sends everyone to Guantanamo Bay, in 2006. Fearing all the Japanese will be sent to Guantanamo Bay, Tojo McMojo surrenders by going to the future and getting ass-raped by George Bush and the movie ends with Bush rounding up all the working class people 60 years later and sending them to gas chambers.
A seventh episode, in which German returns and rises again after a long hiatus, is rumored but unconfirmed.
[edit] The Movie
It all started on September 1, 1939, when some bloke in Poland called Adolf Hitler 'a big gay wanker'. Enraged at his sexuality, he went on a killing spree. He began to round up Jews and killing them in extermination camps; among these Jews was Jeasus. He killed Jeasus in a gas chamber. Enraged at this, Hitler invaded the country using the Blitzwar, or "lightning krieg", a strategy consisting of blasting the Ramones on a stereo carried by jet powered Stukas. Because of bad communication and even worse communicators, Poland got the news of its own invasion only after the German army had already reached Warsaw, set up a puppet government, and imprisoned most of the citizens in concentration camps. (The first thing the Nazis did when they got to Warsaw was to set fire to Jewish stuff, which should surprise nobody but which was a massive waste of time. They'd have been better off getting drunk and passing out.) Britain told Hitler to get his single balled arse off the Poles, so that Churchill could pole dance. But Hitler refused so Churchill responded by refusing to eat his german sheperd for dinner.
On September 3, at 11:15 GMT, the Covenant Elites (Australia and New Zealand) responded by declaring war on everyone. The two countries immediately put forth their plan of 0wNing TeH n00bs. Six days later, a haughty France surrenders after realizing its turtling isn't going to work on "rush-noob Hitler". On September 10, Canada followed suit in declaring war only to realise that their long time 'buds' the USA have yet to learn about the war. Then Prime Minister of Canada Wayne Gretsky has a series of meetings while dropping hints on the current political situation. Then United States President Bambi the Crippled Deer thinks it wrong, and ends up proposing to Wayne. On September 6, South Africa declared war as an excuse to send all of their black people away.
The Soviet Union honored its pact with Hitler by joining the invasion of Poland on September 17, two weeks after the entire country was conquered.
Germany, with help from the forces of Hell, Hades and Atheism, rapidly overran Poland, took a six-month lunch break, then continued by invading Norway, the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Denmark, and France (who reminded Hitler that they already sent a Yahoo email about their surrender. Hitler replies by saying he uses Google Mail. Japanese Stock Brokers sadden). When Belgium surrendered, Hitler decided to steal its lunch money. This lunch money was taken to hopefully pay off the money the Germans owed the Polish cafeterias for their six-month lunch break. In attempt to gain Britain’s aid, Hitler began a campaign in which airplanes regularly flew over the country and dropped presents from 1940 to 1941. Britain, however, did not appreciate that, because during the delivery of said gifts, their cities were almost completely destroyed. Hitler decided Britain was ungrateful for the gifts and stopped sending them.
Stalin then attacked little Finland. This cold little country (called "The Freezing Hell" by its Scandinavian neighbors) is a worthless little country consisting mostly of barbaric bear-men that spend half of their time hunting ruskies, werewolves and vampires and the other half in their beloved nausea inducing gas-propelled flying saunas. The fact that the Finns make the best saunas in the world is believed to be the main reason for the commie invasion. But Ruskies got seriously PWNED by the brutal bear-men, even though the commie army was armed with nuclear weapons and tanks and the defending bear-men had nothing but old crossbows and crowbars (the commies first attacked with tanks but were counterattacked by Finnish bear-men armed with crowbars led by their chieftan Gordon Freeman). In order to destroy the commie tanks they created the Molotov Cocktail out of an old Vodka bottle. This part of the war was named the "Winter War" even though it was fought in the Finnish summer (yes, 40 degress bellow zero is the warmest temperature you'll ever experience in Finland). The Finns then joined Hitler to pound some more Russian ass. (LOL)
Italian and later German troops attacked British forces in North Africa in order to secure the Suez Canal for no reason in particular. With "Desert Fox" Erwin Rommel's brilliant strategy of winning, losing, winning, losing, winning, losing horribly and then giving up, this would be the greatest hope of victory the Italian Army would see in the entire war.
In 1941, Japan began planning a surprise birthday party for the United States in its Pacific naval party base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. For maximum surprise effect, they set the date for the party in December. An entire air show was planned with hundreds of Zeros. Unfortunately, this turned into disaster when the planes arrived before the Emperor had a chance to call President FDR and say 'Surprise!' Even worse, the Japanese, having a shortage of party pilots, decided to use military pilots. The military pilots, having no more training than in bombing and crashing their planes into ships, did exactly that. The U.S. Navy, caught off guard, responded by exploding and sinking.
Having run out of countries to invade, Hitler's paranoia and boredom collided when he thought he heard Stalin said something anti-Aryan. Hitler responded to the insult by declaring communism a Jewish conspiracy and invaded the Soviet Union. In anticipation of a light winter, the troops were sent completely nude. Stalin, under the impression Hitler just wanted to thank him for doing absolutely nothing, let the German army march a thousand miles, lay siege to and conquer Moscow Petrograd Leningrad, and reach Stalingrad before deciding that they weren’t bringing him a gift. In response, he waited until 1942 came around, and then let every single German freeze to death. For some inexplicable reason, this strategy actually worked. Stalin would continue this strategy for the rest of the war. This Strategy allowed the Russians to assemble a massive army of Kodiak Bears and Siberian tigers. The german tanks had no effect on them because the bears would just pick them up from their barrel and shake the soldiers out who would then be mauled by the tigers.
In 1943, a feeling of extreme monotony descended upon Europe, until Great Britain and the United States came back from their two-year lunch break and invaded Italy. The Italians sucked pretty hard as usual, but the few Jerries that were stationed in Pizzaland kept on fighting the invaders on some stupid mountain top A.K.A. hamburger hill until the end of the war (pretty stubborn people those nazis, eh?). The Italian government finally became tired of Mussolini's strategy and, in a seemingly impossible move, fired the dictator. The new dictator, Pietro Badoglio (who was particularly well-known for introducing Ethiopia to mustard and absolute terror), declared that he would keep Italy fighting in the war, and immediately began to surrender. Out of the controversy of this action, Italy began fighting itself. Mussolini was then summarily executed 37 times.
Then, in 1944, thousands of American, British, Canadian, and Free French troops charged into German-occupied France in what is known as perhaps the dumbest move in military history. The Vichy French are undecided on who they should join, and at the stern look on the Allied soldiers' faces, knew they had on the count of three. They fight for the Allies instead, but Charles De Gaulle almost ruins it when he called Petain a "faggot".
Meanwhile on the Eastern front, as the Red Army ran out of bullets, soldiers were ordered to use other Russians to beat the enemy to death. This desperate situation peaked in the Battle of the Kursk when tanks on both sides depleted their source of shells and began instead ramming each other, while some tank crews even got out of their vehicle, picked it up, and used it to beat enemy soldiers to death. This would give birth to demolition derbies.
This is by far the bloodiest part of the whole movie, with shocking scenes like the Battle for Stalingrad and the tank-PWNAGE at Kursk.
By now, the Germans, although not achieving as many victories as before, still amassed an enormous army, over 16 million in number. Trying to make a last stand, the german SS stormtroopers marched into soviet Smolensk, but their forces were decimated after Luke Skywalker blow'd up their Death Star.
As troops on both fronts drew near Berlin, German troops attempted one last time at breaking the Allied lines with the Battle of the Bulge. But the last attempt failed, and a long line of childish sexual innuendo jokes about the battle was spawned.
In 1945, shortly after being elected to his twenty-seventh term, President of the United States Franklin Delano Roosevelt suddenly suffered a severe case of SEHS. With the unexpected yet completely unsurprising death of FDR, Vice President Harry S. Truman was thrust into presidency, giving way to another set of childish sexual-innuendo jokes. (Meanwhile, a rabbi somehow snuck into the Fuehrerbunker and converted Hitler to Judaism. When he realized he had turned into a Jew, he put on the "Jude" badge and then shot himself) In celebration, Truman decided this whole Japan thing was getting kinda dragged out and decided to show the families of those who died fighting there just how silly it was by dropping nukes on two cities with hard-to-pronounce names I think their names were toyota and kawasaki.
Because a nuclear holocaust was intended, the bombs came wrapped in barbed wire and headed for gas chambers in specially-designed cattle-car casing. Hundreds of thousands of innocent (and guilty) Japs died, naturally leading to orgasmic celebration in the streets of America.
Also there was another movie created on Youtube. It is "Saving Private Mercutio" to the Romeo and Juliet theme. The second part is the most acclaimed (due to the sicknasty 'Soulja Boy' groove). In order to produce more laughs, there was also a bloopers reel put in the movie.
[edit] Britain's Role
Making a cut in the history; with Machiavelli Churchill brilliantly on command, British "just":
- Waited French goes down and sunk their navy;
- Played a bit of poker misleading the Nazis and gained time waiting for the Russians to be fucked (when Hitler offered Churchill peace in return to UK forget the Europe forever, He refused saying that even if the Nazis took the UK's island, the British Empire was much more vast than it what means that it "...will never surrender" and suggest that if Hitler would be a real and grown up man to be trusted, he should keep his wrote words invading Russia, ripping the communism off the world with the jews. So when the sucker bit the bait with Rudolf Hess falling prisioner, the British Empire was again saved by the Russians, exactly like 1812);
- Waited Americans save them from Japs;
- Managed Africans, Indians, Aussies, Canadians and of course its old and main colony, the USA to expel Germans and Italians from Africa, invade Italy, keep Greece out of Reds' reach And
- Went back to France just when the Russians became visible on horizon.
- And of course went bankrupt
Although dismissed by Americans and Russians from leadership in the beginning of 1945; cleverly, British had reached their Goal, which was keep their empire over the war. It didn't last after the war but this are a another history...
[edit] France's Role
General De Gaulle negotiated a secret civil partnership between Jean-Claude Van Damme and Adolf Hitler, but Stalin's jealousy of Hitler got the better of him, and the USSR promptly ended French involvement.
[edit] Criticism
Of course, World War II received criticism for its excessive violence and the cameo of Sylvester Stallone as Rambo.
Many racists and anti-Semites protested that the Holocaust sequence was so inhumane that it had obviously been faked by the Jew-controlled media, while even more protested it was too good to be true.
Others were skeptical of the Rape of Nanking because of the extreme difficulty of even consensual fornication with a city (after obtaining the proper permit to do so, of course), much less the fact that the decapitation of all locals is not typically a part of intercourse. (It turns out that Godzilla was the guy that raped Nanking.) The city of Nanking even responded with a statement that spellcheck does not recognize its name, and therefore they does not exist, after which it proceeded to prove itself correct by vaporizing a moment later.
Six million Jews and other Europeans found the movie so inhumane they buried themselves in mass graves. When some researchers went to Poland to investigate the possibility of its residents being killed indiscriminately, they found that the country had been uninhabited since 1945.
However, the movie's idea of genocide (aka ethnic cleaning), be on retail - by inches - or on "wholesale" ("let's do it once and for all") form; still are extremely popular, particularly amongst Serbian, Israel and some young African nations, while others took the trend of indiscriminant killing.
Other sequences, such as the Battle of Stalingrad seemed to be blatant fakes. Because of a budget cut, actors had to steal prop rifles, often onscreen, from other soldiers who were pretending to be dead, while some stole rifles from troops who were shooting at the enemy. Many also questioned the possibility of unsheltered soldiers freezing to death in Russia during one of the worst winters ever recorded, declaring this to be totally not feasible at all.
According to critics, the war with the Japanese was just an excuse to film some jungle scenes (which Spielberg got to do anyway with his next movie, Vietnam), and the entire Pacific plotline was called a "convoluted mess" because, with twelve billion islands, there were simply too many to keep track of. Some islands seemed to even have been made-up, like Midway, Guadalcanal, the Philippines, and Hawaii. To more criticism, the portrayal of the Enola Gay (Latin for "butt-humping gay") seemed to imply that the U.S. was a bunch of fruity homosexuals about to make Japan its bitch. Although that did, in fact, happen twelve seconds later, critics retaliated by saying that "Enola" backwards is "alonE", and then asserting that "Anal alone" makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, even if done backwards.
Other people criticized the movie's invention of Fascism, saying that no one would be dumb enough to fall for such an idea.
More criticism arose over the Allies' attitude towards the Jews throughout the movie. Many found it silly that the Allies formed blockades around their countries to prevent Jews from entering, and shipped the Jews who were already in their country to Germany. Some found it more ridiculous that Allied bombing raids on the Nazi death camps always seemed to miss the crematoriums in favor of an unsuspecting Jew, or, more often, an entire Jewish bunkhouse, which were typically miles away from any other part of the camp. To add on to confusion as to which side the Allies were really on, they awarded the entire land of Palestine to the ten remaining Jews and kicked out all the Palestinians. The Palestinians then declared eternal Holy War against the Jews and started to bomb them. Arabs, however, found it totally absurd and absolutely unheard of that any of them would declare a Holy War against anything and then begin blowing themselves up. In protest of this representation, they declared a Jihad against Hollywood and began exploding themselves in random movie theatres.
Spielberg responded to all this criticism by criticizing it, which soon brought the criticizers retaliating with even more criticism of the criticism of their criticism. Before long, the entire argument became a huge, incoherent mess akin to the movie.
In accordance with all this criticism, the movie was given six stars out of five, two thumbs, and the toe of Roger Ebert, and swept the Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, and even won a Nobel Peace Prize for setting an example for many aspiring peace activists such as Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic, and ensuring that such inhumanities would never ever occur.
It is well known that the S.W.A. won the second world war, however in an elaborate coverup the government suppressed this knowledge because the SWA is too PWN4G3 for the |\|00|3z0r5
[edit] Related articles
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- Catch-22
- Woodrow Wilson (responsible for single-handedly causing the movie)
- Second World War Two
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