World War II: The Movie
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|World War II|
| Poland ( The Allied Boss, and as any boss just use the mind... (see the section Poland's Role ).|
Britian (Hid behind the english channel).
Canada (a very popular character. The part at Juno was brilliantly done. And the ONLY part they ever really did.)
| The Third Reich (wanted to steal polish beer ended up making a huge cock up of things in Europe) |
Japan (wanted to visit the Pacific, was tired of those damn Yankees)
| Harold Straddlebeamer|
Her most regal and beautiful Majesty Queen of the United Kingdom Elizabeth II
| Really Angry German Guy|
|Hmm||Don't give a crap, okay?|
| Military dead:|
| Military dead:|
World War II, or the '41-'45 War as it is known in Russia, proved to be one of the most successful and high-budget movies ever made, even becoming more popular than WWI (rookie filmmaker Gavrilo Princip’s only hit, so well-received in the film industry that he was executed). The film, which racked up billions of dollars in British debt, has occasionally been criticized for the death of 72,000,000 actors, including the stars Franklin Roosevelt and Adolf Hitler.
The film is famous for a scene in which the British, unable to push Germany's advance back, since neither army can walk on water, are aided slightly by defectors, Russia, the late-as-usual America, and French farmers. The British population, who single-handedly stopped the advance of the Nazis though the use of the most technologically advanced defensive feature of the day: the English channel, quite rightly say that the "yanks are stupid to think that Germany would not attack them". Actually the yanks knew that Germany had it in for the world but were waiting to see who the winner was going to be so that they could jump in and heroically help them kick the loser when he was down, and then try and take all the credit. , England along with a lot of help from the English channel (without whom they would have lost the entire war and Germany would rule the world) bravely tried to push back the most powerful army in the world on their own, of course Britain got its ass kicked, but lucky for them they could play their usual trick and retreat back to England borrowing civilian`s boats to flee. The French of course weren't quite as lucky as they didn't have an English channel to hide behind. Out of Germany's hydrophobia, Hitler called off the invasion of Britain to attack mother Russia. In a cowardly sucker punch,only a year after the European war began, Japan, tired of trying to taunt America into the ring by stealing all its pacific oil supplies,only for America to pretend nothing happened, punched america in the face in the form of pearl harbour, now America had to get into the ring because all her friends were watching, plus the fact that Russia was bigger than Germany, and proceeded to get her large butt unceremoniously kicked around by the Japanese midget until Einstein and some other scientists threw her a gun and she shot Japan, who only got angrier until she shot him again in the Nagasaki. . There are several supposed reasons why Hitler declared war on the rest of the world. The most widely accepted accounts agree that Hitler was enraged over the poor quality of bagels and lox in Germany. He then blamed all Jews worldwide for being unable to properly manage their own cuisine (and ruining his breakfast), and insisted they be eliminated.
The ending of the previous film, World War 1, was received negatively by numerous people, particularly the Germans and Ottomans. In addition, critics said that the producers should elaborate more on the plot twist involving Russia being seized by so-called "Communists," and that the storyline was far too dark, with too much (im)moral ambiguity. The trench warfare sequences also received harsh criticism as "repetitive", "boring", and "lacking any bloody imagination whatsoever."
Based on events in the 1930s, people increasingly began to think the producer of the film, History Inc. was planning a spiritual successor series to address those complaints...
For your convenience, (and to aid a half-assed imitation of a certain sci-fi series which shall not be named) we will take this immense historical event and chop it up into nice, bite-sized episodes
EPISODE I: THE ITALIAN MENACE
The Second World War was started due to Hitler's ever growing hate for Adam Sandler. Adam, being Jewish, was a very big influence in Germany and a one-time porn mate of Adolf, decided to move to America. To blow off some steam, Hitler decided to take a walk into Poland with a few 100,000 troops. The Polish (who had it coming) got fucked. Hitler loving the pleasure of more slaves decided to do the same to the French.
In 1918, the winners of World War I (who liked George's idea for "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" better), decided that Germany would be paying for their round of drinks and mindless slaughter, and so has been left skint (there was quite a lot of it).
However, something is rotten in the state of Denmark... I mean Italy. Europe's Boot came out of the war in a complete mess. Looking at the situation, a fat man named Benito Mussolini rises up. He and his men go around, beat the crap out of anyone who disagrees with his domestic policy, and eventually seize power. Mussolini, or El Prezidente as he was now known, doesn't do much aside from print bad propaganda posters, but he lays out the groundwork and legitimacy for Fascism. He also gets a certain Adolf Hitler - then a nobody in the Weimar Republic - ideas...
Meanwhile, in 1929, Wall Street is shocked to hear that money, in fact, does not grow on trees as their botanists had reassured them. The resulting Great Depression smashes down on the financial world, reducing stock traders to stock clerks. (If they were lucky) However, it was even worse in Germany. They had already been suffering from hyperinflation so bad that their money was more valuable as stove fuel than as money.
Now, in 1933, a certain big manly badass of a man steps up in Germany, promising to solve their problems by killin jews! than he whipped his whip out right there and than! He won 78% of the vote. But Hitler being too lazy right now didn't start killing them until 1942. (Which upset many Austrians who thought they should have been killed quicker)
EPISODE II: THE ATTACK OF THE ASIANS
The year is 1939. In a move to secure its place as a superpower, Japan has raped the Manchurian province of China and reinforced the point by brutally slaughtering Jews and sending a select few to work as spies in popular investment banks. The world, however, is busy elsewhere, and continues to be, so the Imperial Japanese forces repeat the same processes on every single island in the Pacific. Along the way, they invent the first-generation Toyota Corolla by forcing Australian POW's to weave pieces of bamboo together and attach it to a set of four tennis balls.
Meanwhile, in Europe, an angry Austrian named Adolf Hitler seizes control of Germany and declares everyone else inferior to his German-ness. Building a massive army to execute his vision of a super party with only the super race invited, or world domination, he seizes Austria. France, thinking that the Maginot Line was perfect, hands him Czechoslovakia as a free sample. With this, Hitler allies himself with his long-time enemy Joseph Stalin of the Soviet Union and sets his sights on Antarctica and Canada, with the assumption that the territories captured can be used for the leisure of all Aryans. Skiing and sledding were always very important to Hitler.
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE NAZIS
As Germany invaded France, the French bravely retreated to fight another day. Except they forgot to fight another day, and decided to go to a picnic instead, where they got their asses kicked (disregarding the South of the country which bravely went over to the other side and fought for Germany and bravely delivered many of it's Jews to the concentration camps). The rest of the French empire followed Vichy's brave example and capitulated. Meanwhile, Britain, having had its ass kicked at Dunkirk, (Think Halo Reach or Hoth) and noting the fact that it was the last fucking democracy left in Europe, began camping like a COD:MW2 NOOB. But one must never forget those brave French men who fought for their motherland in the second world war whilst the English hid behind the English channel and the Americans slept in late. Again.
EPISODE IV: A NEW TEAM
At this dark point in the timeline, the head of the Nazi's Luftwaffe, an obese morphine addict (No, seriously) named Herman Goering, begins to chuck fighters and bombers at Britain to smash their puny aeoroplanes. He has estimated that England would be crushed in days, but to his surprise, the RAF fighterplanes make it clear they will not comply with such a short deadline and beat the Luftwaffe back.
Frustrated with this defeat, Adolf Hitler does what any logical Aryan would have done: He invades his "ally" Russia. At first, the attack goes well. Stalin had killed most of his more competent officers in a fit of rage known as the "great purge." (Post-war analysis showed that he had somehow heard Rebecca Black's Friday, infuriating him.)The Russian army in 1941 and 42 were like the Imperial Guard (Warhammer 40k) they had plenty of soldiers but not enough equipment. However, as the Russians begin to retreat less often and the snow begins to fall more often, it occurs to the Germans that they left all of the warm coats in Hamburg...
Meanwhile, Japan, irritated by the evil eye America is giving it, finally snaps. In what is one of the worst strategic defeats for the Axis ever, the God Emperor's (Note: He was actually just a short guy with glasses. bombs Pearl Harbor, destroying both the port and America's desire to remain out of the war.
So, the rather pissed off Stalin and Roosevelt go up to Churchill and propose that they should gang up and beat the snot out of those Hitler and Hirohito punks. Churchill likes the idea, and so the grand Alliance is formed in the name of freedom, democracy, and/or totalitarian communism.
Between Russia and America, it takes the Axis some time before they realized what the fuck they had done.
EPISODE V: THE AXIS (tries to) STRIKE BACK!
Cut to 1942-43. Things are not going so well for the Axis: The Africa Corps had by then become the Africa Corpses, those stupid Commies had stopped the German attack, and a group of American dive bombers attacked the main Japanese battlefleet right as the slant-eyes were hauling around explosive fuel tanks and ammo crates to refuel and resupply their fighters. (There was a lot of pretty fireworks that day.) Italy, seeing where this is going, tells Mussolini to fuck off and defects to the Allies (The allies then kill him and hang him upside down in the street)
While Hitler is preoccupied with the Ruskies to the East, the Western Allies do a dirty sneak-attack and land a whole bunch of boats on the French coast while Germany isn't looking. This is also aided by the fact that Hitler had decided to sleep in late that day, and some Germans believe it's a fake. At this point, it dawns on some of the less unreasonable Nazis that Hitler is in fact batshit insane, and they unsuccessfully try to kill him via a bomb. Hitler responds by successfully trying to kill them via piano wire strangulation.
Meanwhile, the Japanese come up with a brilliant strategy for fighting the American pigdogs: Shout Banzaii!!!! and charge straight into the American machine-gun fire (Slightly repetetive of the "Over the top" scenes in WWI) While it leaves some stuff to be desired in effectiveness, it does an excellent job at "saving face," so the Japanese decide to make this brilliant new plan a standard tactic throughout their Empire. Needless to say, the war tips further in favor of the Americans.
EPISODE VI: THE RETURN OF THE BOMBER
By now, things are REALLY not going well for the Axis: Their not-so-presentable death camps have been exposed, most of the land they took over has been liberated, and their leaders hadn't even gotten around to making badass supervillain capes for themselves.
As Stalin's steely (and rapey) soldiers storm the streets of Berlin, it finally occurs to Hitler that he is, in fact, not winning the war. Shocked and devastated by this revelation, Hitler orders one last batch of Jews to be killed, rapes his dog, and blows his diabolical brains out right as a Red Army soldier knocks on his bunker's door.
On the other side of the world, six U.S. Marines raise a surrender flag, but they accidentally use an American flag when they were looking for a French flag. and of course a lot of Japanese soldiers on shoot themselves in a final bid to win the war. Of course for an unknown reason there plan is hindered when all there soldiers mysteriously start dying.
Meanwhile Roosevelt quietly checks on the progress of a group of scrawny nerds banging hammers against an odd device and asks about "Manhattan." The nerds tell him that the project is on track, and the US won't have to invade the mainland and get murdered by the die-hard fanatics who literally worship their head of state. Satisfied,because he didnt know how to force the Americans into Japan anyway, Roosevelt rolls his wheelchair out of the room.........
.....and suddenly has a heart attack. As everyone mourns the "World's Favorite Cripple," a new guy named Truman assumes office. Truman takes the "devices," from the nerds mentioned earlier, gets into a bomber, and drops the funny looking gizmo over the Japanese city of Hiroshima. The locals are puzzled and ask Truman what the strange device is. Truman explains he prefers to show, not tell people things, and right at that instant, the gizmo activates and incinerates Hiroshima.
Truman then decides to call this gizmo an "atom bomb," and then drops another one on Nagasaki just for giggles.
And so, the Allies win the war, and the Axis... well..... lose the war. The Allied nations all get drunk to celebrate, put several Axis leaders on trial, and then go back to arguing amongst themselves, just like in the good ole' days.
A seventh episode, in which Germany returns and rises again after a long hiatus, is rumored but unconfirmed. There are tons of them. Watch it!
- Hid behind english channel knowing Hitler didn't want to get his feet wet.
- Saved the U.S from the German Luftwaffe(U.S is naval terminology for useless barstards)
- Raped most Naval forces that got in their way (Royal Navy was the largest in the world at the time, the Royal Canadian Navy the 3rd largest)
- scorned the Yankees for not saving the lives of US and phillipine forces on Corregidor Island, Stupid Gen. Douglas Macarther
- Managed Africans, Indians, Ghurkas, Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians and some country that we wont mention further...
Godzillas role in World War Two
Godzilla had an influential role in the attacks led by Japan. Since he was already employed as an actor by the film business & pornographic industry in Japan, he decided to take the governments role as the giant lizard that the japanese aremy desperatly needed. Godzilla was involved largely in the battles of Iwo Jima, and Okinawa. It wasn't until in 1945 with the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagosaki by the kitty kat federation of planet Hilter land, which had recently invaded and taken all of planet hilter land, did Godizilla realize that he was fighting for the wrong side of the war. He instead began his attacks on Japan to helpo out whoever he was supposed to be helping(probably planet Hitler land, ruled by kitty kat federataion). He continued his insane, fire breathing attacks on tokyo until king kong attacked him and they had a great battle. Luke Skywalker, his father, robot dino jesus, and a zombie army helped godzilla and king kong was aided by the communists, hitler (who was still in spite because he got kicked out of his own planet), nazis, and an army of flying dolphin-whales. The battle was so epic that it began to break the sound barrier, and then created an awesome flash that kept the whole world from seeing what happened. The result of the battle of 'Zilla v. Kong was the lessening of king knog to only a dog toy, now commonly known as a kong.also, godzilla pwned to the point where a new definition of power was created. it was to be called the united states marines. Because it was decided that godzilla was to powerful to use in only one place, his powers were split later on in his life to become the several million americans that now serve in the Marines.
Of course, World War II received criticism for its excessive violence and the cameo of Sylvester Stallone as Rambo.
Many racists and anti-Semites protested that the inhumane Holocaust sequence was obviously faked by the Jew-controlled media, while even more protested it was too good to be true (see Holocaust denial; also Holocaust denial denial).
Others were skeptical of the Rape of Nanking because of the extreme difficulty of even consensual fornication with a city (after obtaining the proper permit to do so, of course), much less the fact that the decapitation of all locals is not typically a part of intercourse. (It turns out that Godzilla was the guy that raped Nanking.) The city of Nanking even responded with a statement that spellcheck does not recognize its name, and therefore they does not exist, after which it proceeded to prove itself correct by vaporizing a moment later.
Six million Jews and other Europeans found the movie so inhumane they buried themselves in mass graves. When some researchers went to Poland to investigate the possibility of its residents being killed indiscriminately, they found that the country had been uninhabited since 1945.
However, the movie's idea of genocide (aka ethnic cleaning), be on retail - by inches - or on "wholesale" ("let's do it once and for all") form; still are extremely popular, particularly amongst Serbian, Israel and some young African nations, while others took the trend of indiscriminant killing.
Other sequences, such as the Battle of Stalingrad, seemed to be blatant fakes. Because of severe budget cuts, Russian actors had to steal prop rifles, often onscreen, from other soldiers who were pretending to be dead, while some stole rifles from troops who were shooting at the enemy. Many also questioned the possibility of unsheltered soldiers freezing to death in Russia during one of the worst winters ever recorded, declaring this to be totally not feasible at all. Likewise, German critics felt the first part of the D-Day sequence was "a poor hoax".
Russian Reviewers were insulted since it depicted the Russian army as a sober fighting force, when in reality, they were drunker than an Australian after 4 hours at a pub. Negative criticism was pointed at how Russians had 1 rifle per 10 people, whilst in reality it was 1 per 50
According to critics, the war with the Japanese was just an excuse to film some jungle scenes (which Spielberg got to do anyway with his next movie, Vietnam), and the entire Pacific plotline was called a "convoluted mess" because, with twelve billion islands, there were simply too many to keep track of. Some islands seemed to even have been made-up, like Midway, Guadalcanal, the Philippines, and Hawaii. To more criticism, the portrayal of the Enola Gay (Latin for "butt-humping gay") seemed to imply that the U.S. was a bunch of fruity homosexuals about to make Japan its bitch. Although that did, in fact, happen twelve seconds later, critics retaliated by saying that "Enola" backwards is "alonE", and solitary sex is of course gay, or at least never bisexual.
French reviewers stormed out through the beginning of the film during the scene where it is revealed French Tanks had 16 gears in reverse, and the fact that French uniforms were white, guns white, tanks white, which also faced criticism from some Black reviewers. In response to another scene depicting the whole French army trying to escape into Britains vagina, 25 french viewers shot themselves in the temple.
More criticism arose over the Allies' attitude towards the Jews throughout the movie. Many found it silly that the Allies formed blockades around their countries to prevent Jews from entering, and shipped the Jews who were already in their country to Germany. Some found it more ridiculous that Allied bombing raids on the Nazi death camps always seemed to miss the crematoriums in favor of an unsuspecting Jew, or, more often, an entire Jewish bunkhouse, which were typically miles away from any other part of the camp. To add on to confusion as to which side the Allies were really on, they awarded the entire land of Palestine to the ten remaining Jews and kicked out all the Palestinians. The Palestinians then declared eternal Holy War against the Jews and started to bomb them. Arabs, however, found it totally absurd and absolutely unheard of that any of them would declare a Holy War against anything and then begin blowing themselves up. In protest of this representation, they declared a Jihad against Hollywood and began exploding themselves in random movie theaters.
Spielberg responded to all this criticism by criticizing it, which soon brought the criticizers retaliating with even more criticism of the criticism of their criticism. Before long, the entire argument became a huge, incoherent mess akin to the movie.
In accordance with all this criticism, the movie was given six out of five stars, two thumbs and the big toe of Roger Ebert, and swept the Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, and even won a Nobel Peace Prize for setting an example for many aspiring peace activists such as Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic, and ensuring that such inhumanities would never recur.
- Battle of Normandy
- Woodrow Wilson (responsible for single-handedly causing the movie)
- Adolf Hitler
- Benito Mussolini
- Video games
- The North American War
|I | II | IV | VI | ∞|
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