World War I
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World War I, (abbreviated WW) also known as the First World War, the Great War, the Last Great Ottoman War, International Civil War Three or the "Great Geopolitical Clusterfuck of 1914" is the prequel to the largely successful World War II. While garnering good response from the fans of WWII, many critics cite WWI as a shameless cash-in attempt. The War resulted in the deaths of over 9 men. It started when Emperor William II of Germany was in a dispute with his British first cousin over what the play they were writing, "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha," was going to be about. Thus, he (William), declared war on his first cousin buttock man. The first world war was fough entirely by the british, germans and russians, but the russians fought poorly and used their own civil war as an excuse to surrender. The americans, as always, were late coming.
It should also be noted that leading historians have recently found evidence in a cave buried underneath the city of Paris, France suggesting that the World War I started after Emperor William II's Facebook account was hacked. According to the artifacts recovered, Emperor William II's Facebook account sent out 42,000 Mafia Wars, and 71,000 Farmville requests to friends over a 3 day period, promptly causing everyone to declare war on Wilhelm. As a direct result of the war's outbreak, Frank Lloyd Wright created Snapple as a cheap alternative for K-Y Jelly, as most of the jelly was sent to the front lines to ease the clusterfuck with little French school girls who horniness was legendary.
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[edit] Characters
The war in general was started when Garvilo Pricip called Franz Ferdinand's mother a ho At this point Germany snuck up on Russia and pulled down their pants Which led to France surrendering again
World War I re-introduces us to Stanley Lipski who would gain importance, impotence and omnipotence in later episodes. In WWI, Hitler is a young Austrian Corporal, who fights bravely and does his duty for the Germans, which creates an interesting contrast with him in the later episodes, where he becomes Henry Bellinger - the evil ruler of the Emo Army
World War I features some other familiar dickholes. Winston Churchill, who in WWII becomes a major leader, is depicted as a younger, lower-level, First Lord of the Admiralty under the tutelage of his master David Lloyd George. Douglas MacArthur plays a dashing young officer, far removed from the promi(Dick)nence he would gain in the later films. We also see brief cameos by Harry S. Truman, who ends WWII in the dramatic climax. In this episode he is a comically nearsighted artillery officer. Charles de Gaulle has a cameo as a Frenchman that survives the German gas massacre by breathing through a urine soaked rag. Also, this movie depicts Benito Mussolini as a socialist journalist, which is generally regarded as a continuity error.
[edit] Protagonists
On the political front, we see the birth of the alliance that would encapsulate the protagonist front of the more famous film. Here we see the United States and Great Britain begin their relationship, one that would be so key to the plot of the later episodes. Canada plays a larger role, getting a whole lightsaber fight during the Vimy Ridge scene. Australia gets a cameo in this movie as well and can be seen fighting the Ottoman Empire in a short but memorable section. We also gain background information on the "on again-off again" relationship of the US and Russia. In the early part of the film, Russia and Britain are in the classic "the enemy of my enemy" mode; in a dramatic scene, Russia leaves Britain out to dry, freeing up German forces to crush the British. Many claim that this "betrayal" was a fairly obvious plot device to have the Americans ride in and "save the day". Cynical critics lampooned this plot device as tired and unoriginal pandering to the lowest common denominator, but the crowds ate it up! Even though with these criticisms, World War I is still remembered as the epic tale that started the classical world war series, with Germany always losing, but fans love the fact that they always invande France (but its not like that any of Frances' allies give a fuck anyway).
[edit] Comic Relief
We see France take the main role where the decisives battles were fought. The French and British armies were hopelessly unable to fight the German onslaught, but they doggedly keep trying! Audiences were caught up in the comedically grandiose schemes to "get those rascally Huns", knowing full well that the plan would again fall flat, with hilarity ensuing. We of course see the same types of antics in WWII, but here the director was clearly addressing the complaint that France was out of that film after the first few frames. Also addressed in this film is the issue that America was featured too heavily in World War II, so Tarantino only included America in the last 5 minutes of World War I, as after many hours of brave French and British struggle, the Yankees prance along with Bats with nails, just after the war has been won!
[edit] Antagonists
On the Antagonist side, many complained that this movie was too political, too difficult to make the leap of logic from the death of one country's Crown Prince, to an all-out war. Initially one was led to believe that Austria-Hungary would be a protagonist, or at least somewhat excusable for their actions, but here again direction and screenwriting fall on the same tried and true formula, painting Germany, Austria-Hungary and the Ottoman Empire with the same broad brush. The antagonists basically devolve into almost "cartoon bad guy" mode. In one memorable scene, the chief antagonist, the German Kaiser, actually twirls his mustache while laughing at the latest dastardly deed he has planned! The Kaiser's chief subordiante Baron von Richtofen or "The Red Baron" seems almost invincible, mowing through the waves of Allied fighters, unscathed. The Kaiser also has at his side the all conquering Field Marshall Hindenburg and cunning bastard ass General Ludendorff, who kick the shit out of Russia and then proceed to do the same in France, though are stoped by the British who do all the hard work before the Americans come to claim all the credit. Also the German fleet is led by two admirals called Scheer (who is the most important) and Hipper (who only gets to use battlecruisers not battleships). These to however are not as brave as the Field Marshall nor his General sidkick and the Red Baron, and after one fight run away from the British grand fleet and hide their battleships. This failure of the antagonist fleet was widely mocked by critics, who had expected a proper naval battle.
[edit] Special effects
The trench digging operation cost millions of dollars, spanned hundreds of miles, and is considered the most complicated set setup in all of Hollywood history. Many distasteful messages from the French, threatening to sue were incurred. They demanded themselves to be portrayed in a more heroic and honourable fashion in the movie, and threatened to disallow filming on French sovereign territory. This setback was quickly resolved by the ingenious use of some of the shell explosion noises played in a loop, at maximum volume. The French immediately backed off, though after a few days many of the filming crew received shell shock, and had to be taken away and replaced. Infact, most of the artillery scenes used real shells because the crew knew they were only destroying France and nobody really cares about France. Another expensive scene is one in which Kaiser Wilhelm enters the battlefield at Kaiserschlacht atop an artillery shell and then proceeds to duel General George S. Patton by means of a tic tac toe contest which ends in an indecisive outcome, both having won the Far East and Oceania Regions Tic Tac Toe Series on various occasions.
Overall, the atmosphere of bleak hopelessness created by trench stalemate was a smashing success. It evoked deep emotions on viewers, who to this day regard it as the most psychologically heavy movie ever filmed. The use of trenches in the sequel, however, was decided against, because it was simply too cumbersome, expensive, and it entailed too many legal complications. Instead, a more intense and fast-paced movie was decided on, even though the technology was not available to the film-makers on the receiving end of the time portal. The new, never-before-attempted style of movie was dubbed "Blitzkrieg", or "Action Flick" in German.
[edit] Beliefs
Unfortunately, due to the inept ability of the Acronym Committee of the World (ACW), World War 1 has been mixed up with WoW, which has caused much confusion and many people to try to log on (including, rather unfortunately, YOU) and play. But they realized too late that WoW has the curious ability to suck the life out through your palm and fingers.
[edit] The Verdict
WWI ends on a fairly unspectacular note, which is no doubt an obvious setup for the classic magnum opus of WWII. (Since we love spoilers, here goes: the Kaiser's empire dies of Hanseatic cancer[1], a lot of people die of some common childhood disease, and so the end of the movie has everyone falling asleep at the collective funeral. However, that is often seen as a tired excuse by frustrated fans wanting more, who instead, see it as yet another aspect of the franchise's creative bankrupty. Many also see this as a lesser film and an opportunity to cash in on the popularity of WWII. This film falls into the "die-hard fans camp out in line" category, while more cynical viewers of the storyline may just wait for the DVD release, I would like to offer a contrarian opinion. I do recommend viewing the film, if only to have some questions answered about the rationale and causes of the events in the later films, but it does pale in comparison to the classic WWII. A further criticism of WWI is the prolonged use of sticks. This is however, in accordance with history; guns first being produced in 1927. Much of the disappointed was due to the extended scenes of soldiers sitting in holes which failed to move the audience much. However, these scenes were still more of a success among audiences than the Charges across noman's land due to its condictory name and the audiences general frustration at the stupidity of the armies.
The governments involved would like to apoligise for the inconvienence and the British spelling of the word "apologize".
(3 out of 4 stars: Alpha Centauri, Betelgeuse, and the sun concur; however, Polaris disagrees)
- ↑ The Hanseas is an organ somewhere near a country's livelihood or stomach, particularly if that country is on the Baltic Sea. Unfortunately, wars have a habit of triggering Hanseatic disease, such as the morbidity of Danzig following the Nazi invasive surgery of 1939. Hitler's infamous Whipple procedure in Warsaw caused the death of that city in the mid-1940s.
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[edit] External links
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