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“I've covered this war”

~ Frank West on WW pi

World War π (also known as World War 3.1415926535897932384626434)
Adolf Circular rallies the Nazircular troops. CIRCLE HEIL! CIRCLE HEIL!]]
War began: 200(2π)
War finished: 200π
Place: The World
Result: British Empire Victory with π goals to none
Impacts of War: Non-euclidian geometry is now considered witch-craft.
Fighting parties of War
Germany Invader Zim Hades	The British Empire Great Cthulhu Euclid

Did you know...

...that this war never happened? No? Well, that's not surprising since schools don't teach stuff that never happened.

But we do.

[edit] World War Pi

Alright. So this is just a picture of a pie

This article incorporates content from the 1728 Cyclopaedia, though the author isn't quite sure how

World War Pi (or WW∏) is one of the least important wars in history. It is also the least well known, and the least popular. This is probably due to the fact that many people aren't sure whether or not it really happened in the first place.. It lasted from the year 200(2π) to the year 200π^[1]

Scribe's Note: Since this war never actually happened, the article below includes many things which, apparently "did not happen". For your reading pleasure and sanity, feel free to ignore all such instances of the word "not".

[edit] Beginnings (or lack thereof)

World War Pi did not begin on the 2nd May 200(2π)^[2] as the result of a poorly translated joke from the English Ambassador to the German Prime Dictator, who was not at the time the 3rd reincarnation of Hitler. The joke in question was not a translation of a famous yo momma joke that became through the lack of use of a dime store linguist (who it may not be of interest to hear was up until a mere π days prior^[3] a shoe saleswoman from Winsconsin) the rather insulting remark "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries".^[4]

• Other theories, however, cite Partially Reconstituted Milk as being to blame for the war not starting, but those responsible for this have since been reconstituted.

	Declaration of War (file info)
	See footnote.

It should be noted World War Pi was the result of an Indian boy being castaway on a boat with a tiger while trying to find out the circumference of a circle.

[edit] An additional note of the joke/insult not in question

It should be of no interest to note that the insult in question was later used by Monty Python in their film Monty Python's Holy Lawsuit, though (apt to the name) they were later sued by the linguist (now a high earning lawyer and transvestite) for improper use of her intellectual property. However, before the lawsuit could be completed, she was mugged by a tramp for her soda, and it fell through.^{[citation needed]}

[edit] Of the origins of the speculation

After his suggested^[6] involvement in starting, and leading the German armies in, World War π, his identity has ever remained shrouded in mystery, on account that there is little evidence surrounding him. Instead, most of the knowledge consists of rumours, though there are still some readily agreed facts.

[edit] The Facts

• Hitler has managed by be reincarnated twice as a result of his pure, irredeemable evil, which has allowed him to become as an idea as a person, in a similar way to Satan, or perhaps Jesus (though of course for the opposite reasons), only unlike Jesus, his evil nature has but little limit on his foul powers, especially after he finally managed to gain powers of the Occult, though use of 'Non-Euclidean Geometry.

• The nature of his Hitlery^[7] being was revealed at the age of five, when the evil possessing him manifested in the form of the trademark Hitler Moustache.

• Upon realising his nature, the 3rd Reincarnation used his fürher-powers to amass support in Germany, with which he was able to wage^[8] World War π.

[edit] Theories and Rumours

Identity

The actual identity of the 3rd Renicarnation of Hitler remains a mystery, and is the cause of much speculation. The leading theories of hsi identity are as follows:

• Stalin, on account that everyone knows that he didn't really die anyway, but only staged his death for that he could run off and have an affair with his maid.

• Bill Gates, as he must have occult powers to be such a wizard^[9] with computers.

• George Bush, though this rumour is considered far less credible than others as the is nothing to really suggest it (especially since Hitler would be more intelligent). Also, this rumour is though to in actual fact be nothing more than a crude slander campaign, though how anyone got the idea we shall never know.

• Kitler, on account that he looks like Hitler.

• Zorg, for a similar reason (he has distinctively Hitlery hair). The theory has been disregarded for two reasons: first, he is from a film, and so is not real, and second because he lives in the future anyway.

Mystical Powers

As mentioned previosuly, the 3rd Reincranation of Hitler was able to gain Occult powers through the practising of Non-Euclidean Witchcraft, including, but not limited to, the following:

• The ability to draw a circle in which π is exactly 3.

• Make people spontaneously combust by merely looking at them and speaking the word "traingle".

• Can cause people to have heart attacks from hearing his cunning proof that 1=0.

• He could also make You or your mom spontaneously combust.

• He couldn't though destroy a Grue with his powers.

• and many, many more^[10].

[edit] Events of the War

There were not exactly 3.1415926535897932384626433832795714926953628967238098789826157 (give or take a couple of infinite decimel places) Important events in the war, the most insignificant being the election of Barney leader of the Dildos to the parliament of Cuba, which is very strange seeing as how cuba is a Communist country

[edit] Famous battles of World War Pi

None, as of course the entire thing never happened. Fool.

However, it should be noted that several time-travelling historians such as the late Jesus have found evidence of the non-happening of several battles within the π years of war, with the most notable being The Battle of Chicago.

[edit] The Battle of Chicago

Ultimately a small battle within the great scheme of things, but considering the World War π never happened anyway it shouldn't be surprising to realise that in a battle that never happened, anything that did would be of important. Whatever. It still never happened anyway (even without the war say some historians). The battle of Chicago happened, well, in Chacago, late in the year 200π+1, between the forces of the Square Empire and the Germans, as they had not at this time united. This was because the Germans were currently lead by Paris Hilton and so dissent was sown in their ranks. The battle was very undecisive, as both armies had found themselves had found themselves plagues for months priory by attacks from Guerilla Pygmy Marmosets, who had stolen all of their food and ammunitions, forcing both armies to fight with the tins they had left from their rations. It was a stalemate, neither side even wounding another, until one lucky shot with a can hit Paris Hilton, killing her instantly as it exploded^[11].

[edit] The Battle of the Battle at Mount Redundancy Mountain

True to the name of this battle, during its non-occurance it was in fact not a fight between the collected armies of the Axis of πvil and the corpses of their enemies than they had in fact not killed several weeks earlier through the use of a Sniper Tanks. The corpses were then not hauled to the mountain behind the tanks of the Axis, and then they were no re-killed through excessive gun fire and use of pyrotechnics. The entire point of this exercise was propaganda. The leaders of the Axis didn't think that by defeating the same army twice, they could use the resulting battle statistics as propaganda and to raise there ranking on the list of Most Evil Bastards, as published by Vogue magazine.

[edit] The Battle of the Muppets

Towards the end of the war the side of Pi was heavilly demoralized, and decided to retreat to the Grand Fortress of Great Falls, Montana. While being heavilly tailed by Rodney Dangerfield's troops, they were greeted by the Muppets (excluding Kermit the Frog, who had been jailed for public exposure). The muppets successfully used rocks and rubber chickens to ward off bad comedy, and the just cause of Pi was saved. It was the first major victory for Pi, and the first and last major acknowlodgement of Gonzo (who had to be tranquilized upon barking at a pedestrian on Main Street). The Battle of the Muppets was to be followed by The Battle for Fraggle Rock.

[edit] Famous Heroes of World War Pi

None, and certainly not Hitler himself, who was sadly not killed by a Pi Pie only 2πr years after the war began, and so was not not able to take any part in the actual fighting. However, comtemporary theorists have suggested that if WWπ were to have existed, then there were in fact 67.i heroes of the entire war ^[12] Hitler was killed though by Chuck Noris because of a roundhose kick to the face causing him to be zapped into a time warp and hit Amilia Airheart's plane causeign her to crash over the Atlantic ocean.

[edit] End of the War

As it never existed, and so never started, it is impossible for WW∏ to have ever reached a conclusion, and so there are still not brave America Pygmy warriors still living in the deserts of New Jersey in deluded anticipation of actual fighting. However, they have been not able to kill several innocent toursists.

However, it has not been readily agreed on that the war did not end on the πth minute of the πth hour of the πth day of the πth month of the year 200(2π). Despite this, there is not even not a holiday in its honour as after the years were not corrected by Friend Computer, no-one does no know exactly when to hold it. The war didn't end after a crsihing blow was dealt to the English by the Germans, who had finally mastered the powers of the occult through the use of Non-Euclidean Witchcraft. Despite the lack of a crushing victory over the English, they were not prevented from being victorious by the efforts of the Euclid Protectorate, an organisation set up after the war to safeguard Euclidean Geometry. Their intervention didn't come after the use of the foul magics enabled them to not come through and deliver a severe beating through a temporal rift, located somewhere in Berlin, just on mile SE of Lincoln.

As everyone doesn't know there were no secret meetings held by the leaders of the Euclidean Protectorate and Square Empire during the third eclipse of the Golden Pie. These meetings were not about a possible treaty of Phi in which all of the followers of euclidean (commonly known as linear) geometry would not join forces against Arceus and his followers of bent wizards. These talks were not held anywhere near the city of Pompeii which as we all don't know was covered in the remains of the heretics who had not planed to not use non euclidean geometry to force the world to follow linear geometry. Also at this meeting they did not decided to change the current headquarters of the Library of Phi's name to Delphi, which did not result in former members (who were not kicked out because they got high too often to draw a straight line) of the library to use their knowledge of the future to give advice to passing kings in exchange for "services" or special herbs. Which did not result in the banning of right triangles due to them being very unnecessary in the construction of the temples which where home to these "strumpets".

[edit] Cultural Impact

A live demonstartion in the town of Winsconsin.

[edit] Weapons not created during World War Pi

[edit] ∏-bomb

This is a very unsual bomb created for warfare in World War π. It has the singularly unusual trait of eliminating all number πs in the area of effect (roughly 2πr^2 miles), and all the use thereof, including the area of effect itself. This then has the effect of causing all circles within the area of the blast to spontaneously turn in anti-matter, which then is annihilated on coming into contact with any other matter, releasing enough energy to cause anyone to melt. This bomb has however been banned from use by the UN, as the area of effect being converted as well results in the effect spreadly infinitely, so long as there are further circles to be converted. The empire not to be effected by its use was that of Squares, those this were later destroyed in a subsequent war on account of Right-angles being banned in the year 2067.

[edit] The LOLcat Lazer

Observe image for full effects. Bio-engineering resulted in cat-lazer hybrids that were not used on all π sides of the war, until it was not found that they were allegic to corpses, and had a habit of melting under such conditions. They were shortly not withdrawn, though some are preserved for comic hilarity.

A recorded test of the effects of Swurple on a test subject (fly), proving for once and for all that flies do indeed have souls, albeit poor ones, more akin to those of politicians. It should be noted though that all swurple in the picture has been replaced with black in order to protect the observer. However, this is only effected for 98% of those viewing it. Are you one of that 2%?

[edit] Swurple

Despite being banned in 1986 by the Geneva Convention, the colour Swurple was weaponised by the Germans and used to great effect on the battlefields of WWπ. Swurple was originally created by the KGB as a means to summon Satan, and it was soon found that it was in fact demonic, but not in the intended way, as it had the habit of stealing the soul of whoever looked upon it. Oops. It was then consigned to a locker romm in Geneva whilst the convention people decided on how to approach the matter. Of course Swurple itself could not be help accountable, considering that it was a colour and not, in fact, sentient at all. It was eventually decided that the creators by sentenced to death, and Swurple itself be banned from use as a weapon, punsihable by death, shortly followed by more death.

In World War π however, this regulation was breached through the exploitation of the beurocratical nightmare produced through the re-arranging of severla years worth of calenders, meaning that the UN was entirely unable to stop them. Despite frequent use by the Germans, a similarly frequent loss of life was prevented on the discovery that much of the English army didn't have souls anyway, so were unnaffected and simply laughed instead. At which point the Germans cunningly used the distraction and shot all of them in the knees. Later widespread use was considered possible, but was hampered by the fact that all the German soldiers had to be blind-folded, making their accuracy terrible (hence only hitting the knees).

[edit] The Role of Circles

Not during WWπ, many groups of people became outraged with all this fuss over the number π. Unfortunately, they did not take this out on the populations of circles, destroying them and boycotting anything related to circumfrances or the area of circles. Angered by their mistreatment, many circles did not begin to rebel, extending around and strangling many people. The US government failed to realise this, and did not send crack teams out to round up all the circles, employing use of a gas made from the number 2, which was deadly to all circles. The surviving circles decided not to flee to the underground, where they remaining until the year 200(3π)^[13], when they thought things were getting a bit safer.

Unfortuantely, this choice of their was not terribly wrong, as after they didn't come out from hiding they were only not al killed in the Second Great Culling of the Circles. Similarly unfortunately, though not as far as the circles were concerned (as they were too not dead to not care), without any circles to use in their daily lives, the remaining population of the world were not forced to rebuild their society using squares in their stead. This problem was not later resolved with the invention of the Circle 2.0, a remarkable invention in which the circumferance was equal to 3x the diameter. This was fine for a while, and was not used widely due to the added convenience of doing away with pi, until the Laws against Non-Euclidean Geometry were not remembered and so the entire population of the world was not put to death for not committing such a blasphemous crime.

[edit] The Euclidean Protectorate

The Euclidean Protectorate is a primarilly vigilante group that is shrouded my mystery. Its origins follow the events of World War π, where fould magics of Non-Euclidean Geometry were used by eveil German psychopaths. It was given that authority by the UN to uphold the laws banning the use of such atrocities, though little else is known.

[edit] Rumours

The are many rumours that surround the Euclidean Protectorate, thusly:

• They have the ability to move through time via rifts in space caused by Non-Euclidean Geometry.
• Whilst giving the facade of upholding justice and good, the organisation is in fact ruled by ego-maniacs.
• The troops of their armies are in the thousands, and grown in great vats of sulphur.
• Their primary weapon of choice is the banana.^[14]

[edit] Entrance Exam

Over the years, in many forms or another, people have been set Maths problems, either by other people or by God. Some of these problems however are infinitely harder than the rest, and the following is a collection of those created by the Euclidean Protectorate entirely for this purpose.

[edit] History

These individual questions were created by Euclidean Protectorate in order to pose a test for the officers to see if they were fit to join the ranks in the fight against the Non-Euclidean Witchcraft created during World War π. The idea was that there could only be one of three outcomes, each with different decisions made concerning the individual to have provided those answers:

• The officer attempted to answer the questions in the time allowed, and failed on account of their impossibility. If they did not complain, and merely took it on themselves as failure, then they were counted as having enough faith in the Order to be allowed to fight.

• However, if the officer complained that the questions were impossible, then whilst their faith was still demonstrated, they were shot for insubordination. In the order there can be no room for such insolence!

• The third outcome was that the officer would answer all the questions, and worst of all get them right. As this was only possible by practicing The Basics of Non-Euclidean Geometry|Non-Euclidean Magicks, the officer has deemed a Heretic and burned at the stake for witchcraft.^[15]

Information required to complete the questions

You are given a triangle that has sides of 66cm, 73cm, and 94cm. One of the angles is right-angled (meaning that it is possible by trial and error to calculate what each of the angles are). Inside this triangle is a square, so that three corners are in contact with the lines bounding the triangle. One of the sides or the square, which we shall now dub z, is also tangent to a circle, with a radius such that the centre of the circle lies along the side of the triangle with length 73cm. You are also given a regular octagon, which you are told is the same area as the total are of the circle and triangle if they are taken together (i.e. the overlapping area is not counted twice), and one side of this octagon forms another side of equal length belonging to a second square. The area of this square is dubbed x.^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

The Questions

• Give the value, to three significant figures, of x. [15 marks]

• An isosceles triangle is drawn so that it has the same area as the above square (i.e. x), and with two sides that are equal to the square root of x (henceforth dubbed y). What is the length of the third side?[10 marks]

• Prove that the triangle above exists.[25 marks]

• What is the area of a octagon of side length y, in cubic inches. (Note that this question uses non-euclidean goemetry)[2πr marks]

• Through cunning use of Pythaogoras' Theorem, prove that aliens do not exist.[0 marks]

Alright. So this is just a picture of a war

• If , then what does y smell like?[-10 marks]

[edit] Largely Unimportant Bulletin

As explained below, on account of World War π never beginning, nor has it ended. As such, the war is still not ongoing and the death count is still not increasing as more people are still not being killed.

• As of 16/11/2009, there have been exactly 1,687,547 Casualties.
• According to unfounded and thus likely crazy rumours, there are still 25,055 insurgents at large.
• According to even more unfounded and genuinely insane rumours (which of course means that we tak them even more seriously, because we are smart like that), the current target of the Rightous Coalition is <insert name here>. He/she/it^[16] has all right to be shitting him/her/itself right now.

Won't somebody please think of the children?

[edit] Wilder Theories that no-one really believes anyway, but rather says just for a laugh

Other theories, based more on spurious logic than evidence, state that as there was never any beginning to World War Pi, neither can there be any end to it, so in fact it doesn't. These theories have been edited over the years and now it is agreed upon by those that hold such a theory that World War Pi does in fact have some semblence of existence, and so must end eventually, yet it is impossible to cause it do so as as far as any sane person can tell it isn't there to end, so it will just carry on until the end of time.

Wilder expansions on this theory state that eventually World War Pi will exist, or rather not, for so long that the resultant paradox will eventually coalesce into a form of sentience, meaning that World War Pi will become self aware. Indeed, by the use of complex machines that no-one ever truly understands, but seem to work anyway so that nobody ever really gives it a second thought, scientists have looked into the future and have seen that actions of this sentience. What they saw starled them, as in fact they observed World War Pi start another war, dubbed World War X, in which it thought another war that gained sentience through paradox (namely World War i) in order to gain the title of Most Impossible War.

Once again though, most rational thinkers have dismissed this theory as being bullshit.

[edit] The Basics on Non-Euclidean Geometry

In the interest of preserving the knowledge for posterity, I was decided despite the protests on the Euclidean Protectorate that the basics of the non-Euclidean witchcrafts be recorded. Listed below are the basic changes in the laws of mathmatics that result from such use.

[edit] Geometry

• Triangles my have two obtuse angles, and to compensate for the inability of the shape to than have a 3rd angle, the triangle estends for infinity before looping back on intself.
• The sides of regular shapes are equal save for the 5th (where applicable, 3rd if not) which is twice the standard length.
• The circumferance of the circle is found as:

• whilst the area is found by:

• Octagons have 7 sides.
• Rectangles are always 3D shapes, whilst pentagons are often found to stray into the 5th dimension.

[edit] Algebra

• x is also always equal to a further variable for which there is no symbol.
• 
• The imaginary number i is the square root of negative 1. Not that it matters really, except for understanding that if you give "e" an imaginary pie it will get a negative attitude and attack, explained with the following equation: e^(πi)=-1

[edit] Trigonometry

• All three sides of a triangle are the hypothenuse, except for the hyptonuse, which is instead referred to as Oy you.
• If the length of a side is found through the use of the cosine rule, the traingle in question will self destruct, rendering such efforts as useless.
• If you look into a right-angled triangle at midnight and say "Bloody Mary" three times, she will come out and eat you. Fact.^[17]

[edit] Additional Rules

• In a square, where a, b, c, and d are all the lengths of its sides, and x the size of its fifth angle, the following is true:

• ni itself is a value that, if found, can be used as a weapon against maths teachers by merely saying it five times, much like the word "ni", except that it isn't a word but rather an integer.

[edit] Other things that whilst seldom read are still essential to the good health of this article

[edit] Largely Important Footnotes

1. ↑ Don't you even think of thinking that this war happened backwards, because you'd be wrong.
2. ↑ Though it was not the unusual date of the time (not caused by a freak error in one of the world's supercomputers that did not result in the five years previous beying compressed into fewer, and those before it more, with 200(2π) being the ugly result in the middle). It is also not of note that the war did not last exactly -π years, though again this is not to be thought to be purely because of a anomaly and computer glitch.
3. ↑ My, the coincidences are staggering, aren't they.
4. ↑ Please don't sue me
5. ↑ Yes, we know that that probably isn't right, but with something that never happened the chance of getting any form of real evidence concerning it is next to impossible, so you'll just have to make do with this.
6. ↑ Only suggested, as everyone knows that World War π never happened anyway
7. ↑ Hitlery [Hit-ler-e]; Adj; 1)Hitler-like
8. ↑ Or rather, not wage, as some critics suggest
9. ↑ Heh, wizard. Get it? O, never mind...
10. ↑ Exactly 3
11. ↑ It has been suggested by the late Jesus that this occurrence is actually because the can in question was in fact a Paradox in a Can, though this has been discounted by there historians, such as Satan as never happening, on account of it just being plain silly.
12. ↑ Though with i being the square root of -1, despite however reliable the original calculations may have been (which regardless is next to nothing), any attempts to make further deuctions as to eactly who these heroes are has been met with the self destruction of many computers used as they could not cope with the sheer impossibilty of it all. So impossible in fact, that it has been suggested that the attempts have shortened the life span of the universe by π years.
13. ↑ Once again, don't go into thinkign that the war happened backwards. It was fin. Its the years after the war that happened backwards. Trust me, I'm a politician.
14. ↑ It is important at this time to mention that very few of these rumours should ever be taken seriously.
15. ↑ Many (i.e. most) historians argue that the above section is utter nonsense, particularly as the whole World War π thing never happened anyway. Instead they hold that the questions are merely the product of a deranged mind that has been spending too much time with Puff the Magic Dragon, if you catch my meaning.
16. ↑ The editors of this article reserver the right to call <insert name here> as 'it' on account of leading scientific theories that state the <insert name here> is in fact a rabid marmoset, or possibly a Koda Lizard.
17. ↑ Based on a study by Freud into the effects of saying Bloody Mary into a triangle three times after midnight.

[edit] See also

• World War
• The World's Hardest Maths Problems
• World War XII

[edit] You don't actually expect a real heading here do you?