Baseball
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“Baseball is a sport.”
~ Captain Obvious on baseball
“What the hell did they do to cricket?”
~ An Englishman on baseball
“If baseball was easy it would be called softball.”
~ Softball haters on baseball
“Let's go to first base, and then just go straight through the other ones. After that, we can go to the pitchers mound. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds hot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on baseball
“In Soviet Russia, tobacco spits YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on baseball
“In Soviet Russia, first base is on Who!”
~ Russian Reversal on baseball
“So who's on first base?”
~ Abbott on the previous quote
“Naturally.”
~ Costello on the previous quote
“As good as the Red Wings were in the first half of the game, that's as they are now. They scored seven touchdowns, were dominant from the three-point line, and scored on a penalty kick from 30 feet out. We're playing lacrosse, right?”
~ Tim McCarver on his extensive knowledge of baseball
“I don't care about baseball. BRETT FAVRE!”
~ John Madden on baseball
“I've never used steroids.”
~ Barry Bonds on lying
“I'm not here to talk about the past.”
~ Mark McGwire on appearing in court due to his alleged PAST steroid use
“I've also never used steroids.”
~ Alex Rodriguez on lying and shagging some lesbian hooker from the 80s
“I no speak English.”
~ Sammy Sosa on why he couldn't testify to using steroids
“Steroids are the perfect example of how the government gets distracted from actual issues, and we taxpayers get FUCKED in the ASS by Congress! Somebody better shove a Louisville Slugger up your local politician's ASS!”
~ Lewis Black on baseball
“All your base are belong to me.”
~ Rickey Henderson on stealing bases
“Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”
~ Confucius on walking
Baseball is without question the most boring sport in history. Because it does not use a clock, it goes on forever, dissolving the souls of those who watch it into oblivion.
Contents |
[edit] History of the Game
Origins of Baseball
Ancient paintings on the walls of Ethiopian neolithic temples show that this game has been practiced for at least three million years. In ancient times, there were only two players per team, and the rules were much simpler. The baseball itself is generally agreed to have been invented as an easy way to hunt cats and small children.
In the 19th century, while several colonial powers from Europe were in the process of screwing over Africa, the ancient game was adopted by the British. However, like several other aspects of African culture, the British destroyed the game by turning it into cricket.
Baseball in the United States
During the U.S. Civil War, soldiers decided to play cricket in their spare time. However, because there weren't any women around, they soon could not resist each other, so they made huge dildos with which to fuck each other and smash each others' balls. Bases were devised to describe how far the 2 men got with doin' each other with lubed bats. First base meant a good whack at the balls. Second base was a full 32" bat up the ass. Third base was a 36" bat down the throat while simultaneously getting rammed up the other end with a pine cone. A home run was a bat down the throat, another bat up the ass, and a man's pecker jammed into another man's ass who had a dick in their throat from another guy, and that guy had a bat up his ass and in his throat.
Since then, baseball has evolved significantly. Today, baseball is often compared to basketball. In basketball, one must shoot a ball through a basket; in baseball, one must be able to put a ball inside a military base and then retrieve it, keeping himself alive for the duration of the game. The ball is made of horse hide, and must have been skinned from the horse 30 minutes prior to game time. The United States doesn't think this is a sport.
Baseball in Other Countries
Baseball is a popular sport in Japan and Australia. Because of lack of resources, Australia uses large coconuts instead of baseballs. Rather than steroids, foreign players are reduced to beaver tranquilizers and Viagra. Effects haven't been studied, and as soon as they are, U.S. players will already be using them. Other than that, nobody really gives a fuck about baseball around the world.
[edit] The Game
[edit] Qualifications to Play
The only other qualification to play is to have a burning desire for hot dogs and crappy organ music. When baseball was first founded, there were also requirements to be a homosexual. However, the sexual-orientation barrier was broken in 1914 by Babe Ruth, who was bisexual, and the color barrier was broken by Jackie Robinson in 1947. Age was never a factor; as long as you can walk, you can play. Just ask Rickey Henderson.
When baseball became open to everyone, concerns were raised that this would inevitably lead to a break in the gender barrier, too. The very thought of having women play baseball scared many baseball players and owners.
In 2007, baseball decided to diversify the number of species that were allowed to play. The owners and players realized that this would be a better alternative than allowing women to play. The following animals (listed in alphabetical order) were permitted to play:
- Bears
- Bulls
- Bunnies
- Cubs
- Devil Rays
- Dogs
- Horses
- Lions
- Llamas
- Marlins
- Monkeys
- Peacocks
- Penguins
- Roosters
- Wookies
Unfortunately, women named "Amanda" were banned from the game in 2025 with commisioner Bud Selig's nefarious "Screw Everyone Named Amanda" amendment, arguably his worst achievement for baseball since the thing he did before that, and before that, and before that, all the way to when he started to give the winner of the All-Star Game home field advantage in the World Series. He has not made any rulings on men named "Amanda"; God help us if there are any of them out there.
[edit] Positions
Manager
The manager is paided to make angry faces such as >O and >:[, march onto the field and scream at the nearest ump (standard argueing face distance is 1 inch apart) and get kicked out and warm up the bus. Lou Pinella (that guy who manages the Cubs), by this rubric, is the greatest manager in the history of baseball. A team also needs to have an Assistant Manager, a sub-Manager, a Stand-in Manager, a Bank Manager, and a Manager to manage the Managers.
Battleships
The objective of the battleships is to clear the minefield behind the infield. If the battleships do not succeed in their task, it is very common for a fielder to step on one of the mines, often killing hundreds of fans. The battleships are typically located in the river (or other body of water) behind the ballpark.
Bludgers, Batters and Hitters
Armed with nothing but 2x4s with nails through the end, bludgers have the glorious job of clubbing those good-for-nothing baby seals. Baseball fans understand that baby seals have done nothing for us." The team that clubs the most baby seals in the first 5 minutes of the game is rewarded with Chuck Norris, which is not really a reward, as after all it is Chuck Norris.
Batters are specialised Bludgers who know what a baseball bat looks like and have even held one once, even if it was at the wrong end. Upon retirement, batters are often employed by debt collection agencies (Mafia mobsters) to use their bat to "encourage" other batters to repay their 500% interest rate loan that the Manager gave them.
Hitters are all poor misguided bastards. Their aim is to try to 'hit on' other players in the dressing room, but if unsuccessful they must hit on the janitor.
Catcher
The catchers are the ones who catch the balls. Haha...balls. From a young age, they are taught to "take one for the team." When a kindergartner attempts a low-blow on your star player, it is the catcher who will scoot in to take it, thus saving the star player.
In 2005, the position of catcher was deemed unnecessary, and all players of this persuasion where replaced by large nets.
Medics
Medics are the people who try to save the baby seals and random wide receivers for NFL teams that get shot in the leg, not naming names... They wear white clothes and are often mistaken for baby seals. They are employed during games to run onto the field whenever the pitcher complains of having a headache or a broken nail. or when one of the throwers falls over while running away from the ball and scrapes his knee. Medics usually respond to injuries by saying "There, there, baby, does it hurt? Here, have a little snort of cocaine to make it feel better."
Pornstar
When you are a pornstar your job is to cheer up the players when they are pissed off by a blow job or either a hand job while they are sitting on the bench.
Pitcher
Pitchers (commonly referred to as "bitchers," due to their whiny behavior) try to deceive the batter by throwing the baseball to the catcher. If they're in a really bad mood, they can just throw the baseball at the batter or the crowd. They can also try to help disarm the mines scattered all around the field. However, this is usually left to the outfielders, because there is a risk that the pitcher's nails will be scratched if they tamper with the mines. The pitcher will usually try to disarm a couple of mines, anyway, because an exploding mine might blow up the entire bullpen, which would leave the pitcher with no relievers to follow him.
Wide Receiver
The wide receiver will rape anyone within 20 feet of him. He is the catalyst for the whole game. If an opposing player gets raped by him, that player must sacrifice himself for the good of the team, or else the team will be forced to forfeit. If the player does not sacrifice himself, his nuts must be ripped out of their sack and be eaten by the losing team. Britney Spears was arguably the most famous baseball wide receiver, before she had her nuts ripped out and became a woman.
Thrower
The thrower has the easiest job of all the position players. In fact, it is so easy that women can be throwers, too. This is why throwers are only considered position players for politically correct purposes. All they have to do is throw the ball somewhere close to the plate before the start of the game. They don't even need to start from the rubber; they can throw the ball from as little as ten feet away! Again, this is why women can be throwers, too. If they succeed, they are considered to be gods. However, there is some pressure on the thrower, because the quality of their throw often determines the winning team. The most famous throwers were the 1919 Chicago White Sox. Their other job is to clean the other players in the shower. And that is why a majority of the throwers are women.
Guy who rebroadcasts without the express, written consent of Major League Baseball
This fellow is about as popular as the designated hitter. We won't talk about what REALLY happened to him! (I could tell you, but then you'd have to be shot)
[edit] The Field
Infield
The inner part of the baseball field, where the balls fly, is full of douche bags like Alex (A-Roid) Rodriguez and people that look like they know what they are doing but really don't. You can tell where the infield is by that big stretch of dirt usually a third of the way out in the field. Everything from there into where the batter stands is the infield. Those lines you see converging at the point where the batter stands are called the baselines; everything inside those lines is fair territory, everything outside those lines is foul territory. It is called foul territory because this is where the players spit their tobacco juice. For all the millions the owners make every year, Major League Baseball is still skimpy about providing the players with spittoons.
Outfield
The large prairie beyond the infield, inhabited largely by cud chewing ruminant millionaires. This is where the minefield is located.
[edit] Popularity as a Spectator Sport
Nobody watches baseball. They are there for the hot dogs and drinks. They use the $8 hot dogs as cheap disposable dildos, and the drinks to pour over their bodies so they look attractive to the other gay baseball fans that are ramming Fenway Park franks up their ass while the watch the baseball players orgy, wank or fall asleep dreaming of gay porn.
The general belief held among the sporting community is that baseball falls 58th on the official world Barkley Sports Ratings, immediately after Power Skiing and before Hump Catting, Lacrosse, and the WNBA. People should watch the WNBA because it's comprised of the two best things: butch lesbians and Bill Laimbeer. The only people that watch this shit version of cricket are:
1. Old men with nout to do
2. Men who got to get pissed out their head and run naked on the field
3. Americans
The championship is called it the World Series even though 29 teams hail from the United States (the exception is the Toronto Blue Jays. The former Montreal Expos since moved to Washington D.C.). However, players come from such proud nations as Japan, the Dominican Republic, and Kentuckistan to play baseball, even though they know no English whatsoever.
“They took our jerbs!”
~ Some redneck that played baseball in high school on the cultural diversity of baseball
“Callate, tu idiota. Juego el beisbol mas bueno de los dominicanos, y mas bueno de los americanos. Por eso, !callate!”
~ Some Dominican baseball player on the previous quote
“I don't know what the fuck that Mexican just said, so let's kick his ass!”
~ The same redneck on the Dominican baseball player
[edit] Rules
A massive rulebook delivers the high level of boredom that fans and players expect. The principle underlying the Official Baseball Rules is that no one on the field should do anything until everyone is completely ready.
[edit] Classic Games
- USA Chicago Cows vs URRSRSS Leningrad Стрелки
- It lasted for three months, and all of the 62 DPs were lost during the match. In Soviet Russia, DPs lose YOU!
- Secretly funded by the CIA and the Halliburton Jokesters, this grand match only lasted for eight hours, but it was enough to mark it forever in our memories. It is the only known match that took 33 innings to play. Another first came when every player on both teams were killed, leading to a tie.
- Brown, et al vs Board of Education
- In a play controversial to this day, Team Brown upset the Topeka Board of Education by bringing in a series of "pro-Bono" attorneys (attorneys in favor of U2's long-winded musical ramblings) as Throwers. Their vocal tirades proved too long and the Topeka Board walked off the field, citing boredom.
- USA vs CSA
- In a shocking four-year game, the Southern states decided they wanted more than Hillbillies and NASCAR. They armed their wide receivers with Pokemon, which killed off much of the North. But then the North dropped a nuke on the field, and obliterated the South and Dale Earnhardt. This is only the second biggest rivalry the Yankees have, only behind the one they have with the Red Sox.
[edit] See also
- Sports Comedy
- End of Summer Classic
- Ten Cent Beer Disco Demolition Night
- UnNews:Seventeen baseball players arrested in Poland; Cubans are shocked
