Woody Allen
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Woody Allen (born Woodrow Wilson "Putz" Allen, 1951; nickname, Schlongy) is a neurotic, self-obsessed, potty-minded, sexually repressed, auteur. He's also allegedly Jewish, but the smart money is on Norwegian.
Allen makes motion pictures, which is ironic, because they feel like they take forever to get through. Between the unrelenting courtship, the neverending angst, the predictable elusiveness of sexual fulfillment, well, let's just say they're neither Fast nor Furious, and all of the chase scenes take place in taxis. The chicks wear peacoats, and there's not a shot of knee-high leather or sideboob in a one of them.
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edit Early Life
Woody was born in Manhattan, a ball of self-doubt, snot, and peanut allergy from the very first squeak. As a young child he was prone to fits of introspection, refusing to finish his Cheerios until someone explained to him the logic of naming a sugarless circle of breakfast cereal after an emotion signifying happiness. Young Woody had few friends.
In middle school, Woody started a film club, taking ample advantage of the coterie of 12 year old girls who took an interest in his screenplay. Woody soon realized that film was not merely a refuge for boys so socially awkward that their closest companions were spot projectors nick-named Arnie, but also a way to meet ladies. The use of overly intellectual art as a tool to get laid is a recurring them of Allen's life--I mean movies.
As a high school student, Woody honed his game on the rough streets of the Upper West Side (West siiide), between dirty 3rd and Amsterdam. Puberty was not kind to him, but a regular rotation between his best boy grip and the third clarinetist in the weekend orchestra provided him with what he came to call, "artistic relief".
edit Film career
Woody Allen made billions artfully recycling the following storyline. You can too--all you have to do is:
- 1. Move to New York
- 2. Pick a girl (pubescence optional)
- 3. Find a shrink
- 4. Walk around on a cloudy afternoon with a continuous chest-level mid-shot babbling to yourself about whatever will never get you laid in real life
- 5. Repeat
Don't ask why the shtick works; it just does. It's got something to do with men wanting to watch someone even more pathetic than them seduce women who are even younger than their children. And women wanting to watch a guy so emasculated that all of their issues dissolve away in their movie seats as they imagine riding that withered excuse of an artiste to ecstasy.
edit A classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud
There is a classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud. For example: [Walking around New York City] Why is it that people who drive never cross the line in the center of the road? I always worry about that. I mean, it's just a line. Just some yellow paint. We draw outside the lines. But we won't don't drive outside of them? Why is that? In a day when Socrates is a Halo handle, this schlock passes for philosophy.
edit Stuff I can't figure out
The crazier thing is that the earnest, sugar-sweet heroines of Woody Allen's movies actually go (down) for just this kind of man. It's as if all their lives they secretly wanted to bone their dentured, spelling-bee winning grandfather and then one day Woody shows up on the subway seat next to them wearing a brushed corduroy blazer holding a lukewarm cup of Earl Grey, with a leather-bound Proust and a laminated pocket-copy of the Kama Sutra in his manpurse. Serendipitous!
edit Seriously
Seriously, Woody Allen is a great guy, because he pulled off what most of us can only dream of: turning our petty, self-centered, existential anxiety into a lifestyle that pays. Good on ya' mate. I mean Putz.
edit Directorial Filmography
- What's New Cat Pussy? (1964)
- Early Funny One #1 (1966)
- Early Funny One #2 (1967)
- What's Good in the Hood, Tiger Lilly (1966)
- Take the Money and Run (1969)
- Why Can't I Be Taken Seriously? (1971)
- Everything You Wanted To Know About Having Sex With Your Adopted Chinese Daughter (But Were Afraid to Ask, Because People Would Accuse You to be a Sex Offender) (1972)
- This Movie Is A Sleeper (1973)
- Love, Death and Banging Diane Keaton (1975)
- Annie Hall (1977)
- Woody Allen Casts Diane Keaton Again, So That She Can Bang Him More (1978)
- Look At Me, I'm Dramatic (1978)
- Manhattan (1979)
- I Love Manhattan (1980)
- I Love Banging Diane Keaton in Manhattan (1980)
- I Fuck Up Shakespeare (1982)
- Pseudo-Intellectual Types in New York (1983)
- The Purple Balls of Cairo (1985)
- Faux-Bergman Film #1 (1986)
- Hanna and Her Sisters Have a Threesome (1986)
- Conservative Talk Radio Days (1987)
- Faux-Bergman Film #2...In A Different Part Of New York!! (1988)
- Alice in Wonderland (1990)
- How Hitler Stole Hanukkah (1991)
- New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York (1992)
- Manhattan Murder Mystery Mayhem (1993)
- Blowjobs Over Broadway (1994)
- Everybody Says Go Fuck Yourself (1996)
- Jason Biggs Is Not An Acceptable Woody Allen Surrogate (2003)
- Now I'm In London! Oh, Snap! Weren't Expecting That One, Were You?! (2005)
- Woody Allen's Twin Fetish Film #23 (2005)
- Scooping Up Scarlett Johansson (2006)
- George Costanza's Dream
- A Pretentious Tale of Two Cities: New York and London (2007)
- Back 2 New York, The Brits Kicked Me Out (2008)
- Transformers 7: Battle For New York (2009)
- Larry David or Whatever Works for Saving Woody Allen's Career (2009)
- You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger and He Will Abduct You and Take You to his Penthouse on 45th Street. (2010)
- Midnight Sex with an Underage Prostitute in Paris (2011)
edit Upcoming
- Nero Fiddled, Mama Sang Tenor (2012)
- Falling in Love with a 8-Year-Old Chinese Girl in New York Ain't Just About That (2012)
- Honey I married the kid (2012)
- Why Can't I Stop Writing Scripts? (2014)
