Woodchuck

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“How much wood chuck a chuck woodchuck if a wouldchuck... chuck... umm...”
~ Everyone on Woodchucks
“How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?”
~ Ninja on Woodchucks
“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if you were to chuck him into a woodchipper?”
~ Jesus on Woodchucks
“How much Chuck would I chuck if I could Chuck Norris?”
~ Steven Seagull on Chuck Norris


The woodchuck (Tossicus birchum) is a Nepalese beast which is distantly related to the Yeti. Woodchucks are so named due to their habit of throwing large branches and pieces of lumber at anything passing near their lair. A woodchuck lair is easily found due to the lack of any solid organic matter within throwing distance of it.

Woodchucks are yellow-skinned mammals who walk upon three legs. Their eyes do not usually exist, though in rare occasions they are red. An adult woodchuck is about 1.5 meters tall and smells like communists.

Woodchuckologists have attempted to answer the age old question of curiosity regarding how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and many have claimed that the answer is 0.63. But this claim is disputed by advocates of the Woodchuck Chucking Thoerem.

The Woodchuck Chucking Theorem

Woodchuck

Woodchuck Physicist Max Plank attempting to answer the age old question of how much wood a woodchuck chood chuck wuck... oh, never mind.

The Woodchuck Chucking Theorem states that a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. However, no-one has really explored the woodchuck's motivation in answering this question. For example, it might be that a woodchuck could chuck wood and would be ready to chuck wood when it wondered "Should a woodchuck chuck wood even if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood?" It should be assumed that woodchucks are good 'chucks and wouldn't chuck wood if woodchuck wood-chucking would be bad for the environment, for example. If all the wood that woodchucks chucked would be from sustainable forests, of course, then that wood would be good wood and the good woodchuck could chuck it, always assuming, of course, that it could chuck wood in the first place, and there were no other reasons that a woodchuck should not chuck wood.

Woodchucks and the hardware store

The obvious way to answer the woodchuck chucking question would be to check the checkouts of a shop stocking wood-blocks (or chocks). This would allow one to check if the 'chucks were chucking wood by checking if they shopped for chocks to chuck. Of course, if they don't shop for chocks then it is always possible that wood-chunks made from woodchuck-self-cut wood are being chucked by woodchucks, although no woodchuck-logged woodland or locked chock-stock has ever been registered with the Forestry Commission.

Woodchucks and Chuck Norris

It is unknown at present whether or not a woodchuck could chuck Chuck Norris. It seems unlikely - it is perhaps far more likely that Chuck would chuck a woodchuck that would try to chuck Norris. This of course raises the obvious question: How much woodchuck would Chuck chuck if a woodchuck couldn't chuck Chuck and Chuck could chuck woodchucks? And if at the same time woodchucks were chucking wood, would Chuck chuck woodchucks and wood and would woodchucks still chuck wood if Chuck had chucked all the wood and the woodchucks? The answers are as yet unknown.

Navajo Indians and Woodchucks

Similar to the plains indians and the buffalo, The Navajo Indians hunted and used every part of the woodchuck. Actually, the word Navajo means lover of woodchuck.They used the fur for clothing, the bones for needles and tools, the fat for lubricants ( Trojan Her Pleasure was actually based on this formula), and the lame tongue twister for entertaining small children.

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