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We will take your money!

Wonga.com is a British loan shark company offering extremely high-interest loans. It operates in the United Kingdom, South Africa, Canada, Poland and Antarctica. Wonga also runs Wongaforbusiness.com, which provides even shorter short-term, high-interest loans to small businesses, often resulting in bankruptcy.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Wonga.com.

edit History

edit The Birth of Wonga Loans

Wonga.com first started out as a Mongolian loans company entitled Monga Loans, founded by Baatarsaikhan Monga in the early 1910s. The company provided high-interest loans, ranging from $0 to $1,000,000,000,000,000,000, and if not paid back, the borrower would be tied to a tree and repeatedly rammed by a yak ridden by a Monga employee. Eventually this process grew out of fashion by 1912, with yaks being replaced by bailiffs.

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The Wonga.com Headquarters

In 1920 Baatarsaikhan Monga used his money to illegally immigrate to London, England, and set up a new loan shark company, Wonga Loans, and changed his surname to Wonga. He met Wendy Smith, one of his borrowers, in 1922, with whom he married that year. In 1925 Wendy gave birth to Wonga's first son, Earl. She sadly died during childbirth due to failing to pay back her £150 Wonga loan the day before, and was beaten to death in her hospital bed by bailiffs as a result.

edit Downfall of Wonga Loans and Baatarsaikhan's Death

Following Wendy's death, Baatarsaikhan vowed to only charge up to £400 for new customers and up to £1000 for existing customers for 1–30 days, with 1% simple interest per day on the loan amount and transmission fee. Shortly before the Second World War Baatarsaikhan fell into a deep depression due to a lack of business, often becoming a part-time Wonga bailiff himself as a way of taking out his anger. He took a large amount of cocaine during this period, and his son, Earl, suffered severe neglect as a result.

In 1946 due to his cocaine addiction, Baatarsaikhan's health began to fail, and his son Earl threatened to expose his addiction to the press several times, but was always harshly beaten by his fathers' walking stick whenever he attempted to leave. Unfortunately, one such incident resulted in Earl being thrown down the stairs, causing permanent brain damage and a love for electronic music. Baatarsaikhan was jailed for twelve years, and eventually committed suicide by swallowing a penny which got lodged in his windpipe. The location of his remains is currently unknown as practically nobody turned up for the funeral, most likely due to not being able to afford the entrance fee of £1,200.

edit Comeback

With Baatarsaikhan dead and his son, Earl, in a mental institution, the future for Wonga Loans seemed bleak. However, in 1969 a pair of businesswomen, widow Joyce Winslow and local slut, Betty Rogers, sought to revive the company back from the dead and get Earl out of the mental institution once and for all.

Eventually Earl was discharged from the mental hospital in 1970 by request of Betty and Joyce. His health had greatly improved, but he still couldn't talk, and was forced to work as a typist. As a result, he developed chronic arthritis, but received a hand transplant from a recently deceased relative who was beaten to death by a Wonga bailiff after refusing to give change for £500,000.

edit 1981 Scandals

By 1980 Wonga was earning a vast amount of money, but a scandal erupted a year later when a video was leaked that showed Betty, clearly intoxicated, dousing a huge pile of banknotes with gasoline and setting it alight whilst the song "Money Money Money" by ABBA was loudly playing in the background. This greatly affected Wonga Loans' reputation. Betty initially refused to comment, but Joyce was quoted saying "We think it's important to give people control.", and appeared to be completely unsurprised by the incident.

Following the scandal, Wonga Loans received an alarming amount of hate mail, ranging from death threats and packaged dog feces, along with their offices being pelted with eggs and red paint. As a result, Wonga Loans moved to temporary accommodation located several miles away until the incident blew over.

edit The Rise of Wonga.com

Wonga Loans' popularity dwindled during most of the late 80s, mostly due to the several scandals that erupted. Joyce attempted suicide in 1988. Eventually the company considered closing altogether in 1995, but with the invention of the internet, a new opportunity arose for the company. The first version of Wonga.com opened in the late 90s to critical acclaim, but was struck down when hackers broke into the computer and stole Betty, Earl and Joyce's bank details. Luckily the hacker was tracked down and revealed to be Cara Confused, who had been hoping to fund a breast enlargement operation. She was forced to pay £50,000 in damages, and an additional £25,000 in interest. Wonga.com was re-launched again in late 2000, and later underwent several revamps. The company operated exclusively online in 2005.

edit Wonga.com Managers

edit Earl Wonga (February 6, 1925 - November 1, 2016)


Former employee Aleksandr Orlov. Left to start his own business and become a lot cuter.

At 88 years of age, Earl is the oldest member of Wonga.com, inheriting the business from his late father, Baatarsaikhan Wonga (formally Monga). He is unable to speak due to a 1946 accident where he fell down a flight of stairs, causing permanent brain damage. Earl enjoys listening to dubstep and electronic music, and also has an unhealthy fascination with Betty Rogers.

Early sadly passed away on November 1st, 2016, after suffering a massive heart attack. During an inequiry, the coroner noted that upon the discovery of Earl's body, he had died in his armchair after apparently reading his latest bank statement. Following news of his death, people all across Britain took to the streets to sing "The Old Fucker's Dead!". Unfortunately this was soon banned after Wonga.com purchased the rights to the song's lyrics.

edit Betty Rogers (Born June 20, 1942)

Betty Rogers, along with Joyce Winslow, were responsible for resurrecting Wonga Loans in the late 60s. Before becoming a businesswoman, Betty worked as a hairdresser, but was fired after she set a customers' hair alight with a cigarette she was smoking. After the incident, Betty chose never to smoke again, but took to binge eating, and ballooned to 19 stone in 1963. Thankfully, she took advice from a local bimbo and didn't eat for over a month, causing her weight to slip down to a perfectly healthy 3 stone.

edit Joyce Winslow (Born May 2, 1926)

The current head manager at Wonga.com, Joyce became a widow in 1951 when a fire broke out in her kitchen, killing her husband, George Winslow, on his birthday. The fire's cause was apparently gunpowder accidentally being added to the cake mixture, causing the oven to explode.

Following George's death, Joyce became an alcoholic, sometimes drinking up to two glasses of wine a day. Eventually she managed to conquer her addiction in 1962, and became a highly successful businesswoman. She is also a strong supporter of the BNP.

edit Awards and Nominations

  • Joyce - 2012 Bitch of the Year Award (Nominated)
  • 2013 Loan Shark of the Year Award (Nominated)
  • 2011 Most Elderly-Friendly Company Award (Nominated and Won)

edit Adverts

In late 2011, several Wonga.com adverts were commissioned and received mixed reviews. The Wonga team personally considered them highly patronizing, and as a result chose not to appear in the 2013 adverts, instead replaced by poorly-animated CGI characters, although they did provide voices for their characters.

A common misconception of the adverts is that Betty, Earl and Joyce are puppets. Betty revealed that the reason they act puppet-like to some is "a shitload of coffee, mints and wine gums."

In February 2012 Betty was also heavily criticized for insulting Whitney Houston live on air during an ad-break, saying "She looks better in a body bag!". Whitney Houston was unavailable to comment as no one could find a medium to get in touch.

edit Live Appearances

The Wonga.com staff were offered guest appearances on many daytime TV programs, including ITV's This Morning, but declined all of them due to personal reasons. Joyce was due to appear in the BBC genealogy series, "Who Do You Think You Are?" but was unable to attend the filming session due to suffering a fall and breaking her hip, shoulder, and ankle. She was replaced by Patrick Stewart.

edit Wonga.com - The Movie

In the middle of 2013 it was revealed that a movie based on the rise of Wonga.com was in the process of being filmed. The film will be directed by Danny Boyle and will star Betty, Earl and Joyce as themselves. It was slated for release in late 2015, and has an approximate budget of around £400 due to Danny Boyle being a new customer at Wonga.com. Unfortunately due to running out of funds, and due to negative publicity at the time the film was eventually shelved.

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