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Wonder Woman ranks among the first semi-independent superfemales portrayed in
Liberal Comics DC Comics. She is the reigning Ms. Olympia, and wields a magic truth compelling lasso woven of the hair of Perry Mason and Matlock.
edit Origins and Early History
Wonder Woman was created in 1941 by one-time U.S. president Elvis (inventor of the lie detector). Early issues were devoted to teaching his radical political and social views to young impressionable children. Among these are his belief that men secretly desire to submit to strong women, that all women are inherently bisexual, and that most women enjoy a good spanking now and then.
In the comic book, Wonder Woman is a Lesbian from Paradise Island. The Lesbians are a race of women from Ancient Greece who have sequestered themselves away in an all-female society. Free from masculine destructiveness, they are able to harness the virtually unlimited potential of their vaginas to play basketball with boulders and to read their nuclear physics textbooks rope tied in stress positions. Hercules, hearing that Queen Vulva wore a magic chastity belt that was indestructible as well as making the wearer irresistible, challenges her in battle. Although quickly defeated, he gives each Lesbian a pair of "slave shackles so they would always remember, even though they shunned makeup, they could at least accessorize. Humbled by their encounter with Kevin Sorbo, the Lesbians invisible jet set from Greece to Paradise Island, the perfect place to perfect their "non-penetrative" science of stalking their future ex's through a magic mirror. The warrior sorority shoot each other with guns for fun, deflecting bullets off their shackles, meaning Amazons pretty much act and dress like gangsters, dropping rhymes straight from suffering Sapho. Reform Island is easily the multiverses nicest and most effective prison, if Poison Ivy, or Catwoman spent a day there they'd come back model citizens due to the advanced amazonian super psychological sciences of Love Binding™, teaching them to volunteer for loving slavery to the supreme authority of the Love Leadership™ of Big Sister.
Their veil of seclusion was not perfect, however, as Colonel Steve Trevor penetrates the sanctity of their island home. After he crash-lands on the island, Queen Vulva holds an Olympics to determine who will have the honor of killing him. The Lesbian Princess Diana, daughter of the Queen, wins the contest, but becomes fascinated with the concept of penetration when she thrusts her sword through his heart. As penetration is forbidden in Lesbian society, she is exiled from her island home, and decides to journey to the United States, the home of the man who awakened her true women's desires, taking the United States flag as her gym clothes.
edit Later History
After the war Wonder Woman settled down, putting aside the rampant lesbianism of her youth now, that she was a real, red blooded American citizen, but Steve still felt insecure that she wouldn't just leave him one day flying her invisible jet to the grocery store to get milk, off to rescue some other guys prone to a life of adventure and fatal accidents, so he used government surveillance equipment to stalk his girlfriend while at work, long before stalking your significant other at work was popular on face book and with the NSA.
In the 1960s, Wonder Woman started wearing white outfits, even after Labor Day, and acquired a sidekick named Wonder Girl. Wonder Girl, being a girl from man's world, first introduced the concept of the bra to Wonder Woman. Since no "man's world" bra could encapsulate Wonder Woman's massive endowment, she used her scientific genius to adapt the techonology of her invisible jet in creating the world's first invisible, anti-gravity brassiere. Thus, the Wonder Bra was born.
Subsequently, when Marv Wolfman was given the task of thinning out an over-crowded DC Multiverse, the characters Wonder Woman and Wonder Man were merged during the Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover event. In the new continuity, Wonder Woman's pre-Crisis adventures were deemed to have been imaginary stories, or to have been stories about her mother, and Wonder Man was phased out in an epic plot that saw him undergo gender-reassignment surgery and emerge as the new, post-Crisis Wonder Woman.
edit Secret Identity
Wonder Woman first committed identity fraud as nurse and then as a War Department secretary "Diana Prince", she quickly developed a completely forgettable supporting cast consisting of her boss and boyfriend, and later stalker Steve Trever, and, at various times, comic sidekick Etta Candy a stout, Saphic, sorority sister with a sugar addiction to arm candy. Settling down after the war, Wonder Woman took on semi-serious sidekicks Wonder Girl and Wonder Tot (time-traveling younger versions of herself), and her lookalike mother, the Drag Queen of the Amazons. Villains included: Egg Fu (a gigantic Communist egg with a tentacle-like Fu Manchu mustache and a thick Chinese accent); the Crimson Centipede (a giant red Libertarian insect with one hundred feet); the Blue Snow Man (a warm, pink Liberal woman overcompensating with a "telescopic snow ray"); Fredric Wertham (a crusader teleported into the 1940's who accuses Wonder Woman of being a lesbian; Adolf Hitler and His Nazis™ (a state run by sexually-repressed Fascists which invaded and occupied defenseless countries to increase its power, unlike the American and British regimes which would never DREAM of doing such a thing); Ares (god of losing), the Dyke of Deception (a straight woman who leaves behind a chain of heartbroken women by disguising herself as a Lesbian), stereotypical alien races (warriors from Mars, fairies from Venus, the Meth Maniacs of Mercury, the Joss-Sniffers of Jupiter, the icy dwarfs from Pluto, etc.); mythical creatures (like giant winged dragons or African-American hockey players); and countless male criminals who, in the stories' final panels, would learn the importance of gender equality in a single sex prison.
According to the golden age Greek legends written on linear DC tablets, Wonder Woman can beat up Hercules and outrun Hermes which means she was considerably stronger and faster than Superman was at the time, she would probably jump places too if she wasn't wearing a skirt. Diana is as smart as Athena and as hot as Aphrodite, and being immune to electricity means she could probably give Zeus a run for his drachma as well. As princess of paradise island Wonder Woman also get's a way better plane than Batman does, as hers is invisible and the on board robotic guidance system isn't the size of a lonely mansion of vacuum tubes.
edit Justice League Membership
Much like all members of the Justice League, Wonder Woman had to complete a series of impossible tasks to gain entrance to the Justice League. Her membership was assured when she uprooted a mountain from the Rockies and carried it to Rhode Island; carved out an interior with her bare hands and provided it with mod furniture from her boutique, and using "Lesbian concentration," was able to keep the dirt floor spotlessly clean. In contrast, Aquaman gained entrance to the League by providing the headquarters with an awesome aquarium; Flash was voted in when he collected all their fan-mail in seconds; and Green Arrow joined when he provided a dart board for the recreation wing in the form of having Speedy
Two stand real still holding an apple in his mouth.
Wonder Woman's exertions on behalf of the League, however, did not go unnoticed by her male colleagues. In a unanimous decision, they voted her to the role of honorary secretary so she could support the men when she wasn't off throwing tanks into planes, getting shot at for fun or punching out Nazi's. Go get em boys!
After the employment discrimination lawsuit, Wonder Woman received a sizeable out of court settlement from the league which she used to start a clothing boutique that she ran throughout the 70's, business did well with a steady stream of customers like Black Canary and Zatanna who were constantly in need of new pairs of stockings, always getting them torn up in street fights with knife wielding maniacs and getting stained with the blood of criminals.
edit The Television Series
In the 1970s American television was awash with strong, independently minded female characters. Critics bemoaned the lack of two dimensional female characters in skimpy outfits pandering to male audiences need for polyester, polyamorist, psychological, propaganda, and thus the Wonder Woman television series was born.
After an exhaustive talent search, lasting all of twenty minutes, it was decided that then US President Jimmy Carter's daughter, Lynda, should take the role. Erin Gray didn't even get a look in, despite having screen-tested positive for the role.
At first the show was set during World War II, with the main villains being Nazis. Producers hoped that the combination of a scantily clad woman and healthy doses of fascism would provide a winning formula with the American public. And they were right. However the show suffered much rivalry with The Six Million Dollar Woman (about the adventures of America's most expensive hooker) and ratings suffered as a consequence.
Critics claimed that the World War II setting meant that Ms. Carter's skimpy costume was not revealing enough, and that the subtle 'high comedy' scripts were too intellectual for most viewers, who simply wanted their nice family friendly Stalag fiction. Also at the same time, in a bid to gain further funding, the producers of the Wonder Woman show signed an exclusive deal with a major polyester clothing manufacturer. All this meant that when season two of the show aired, the setting had been moved to modern day 1970s, the title character's costume was even more revealing, the scripts were even more dumbed down.
To further promote the miracle man-made fibre, Wonder Woman adopted a new head-to-toe polyester 'wonder swimming outfit', 'wonder motorcycle outfit', 'wonder astronaut outfit' and (in one episode) 'wonder spot welding mask and gloves'.
Wonder Woman faced many costumed villains in these episodes, including the Turtlenecked-Karate-Chief, the Turtlenecked Stooge, and the Turtlenecked-Motorcyclist. As Wonder Woman is nothing if not fair, she would give herself a handicap so as to make the villains feel better about their abilities, the first step in Wonder Woman's Villain-Transformation technique. For instance, she would often ride a motorcycle to chase her adversaries, when she was clearly faster on foot; or she would often take a refreshing dip in a pool before swimming after a villain making a getaway in a boat. Sometimes she would simply stop chasing a foe altogether, a crucial step in the process of augmenting the villain's feeling of self-worth.
Wonder Woman's best friend in these episodes were a snide, know-it-all computer, and a robot chihuahua who could produce mail, travel tickets, and suntan lotion from its butt. In a controversial episode inspired by Margaret Sanger, Wonder Woman falls in love with the reformed criminal Plastic Man and uses him as a contraceptive to become sexually liberated.
The lyrics of the television theme tune were as so:
- "Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,"
- "The world is tired of waiting for you,"
- "To do your lipstick and pick a dress,"
- "Just wear your satin tights,"
- "We're sure you'll look alright,"
- "Even if the cold may turn you blu-u-u-e."
- "Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman."
- "How long must we keep waiting for you,"
- "To fix your hair and earrings too..?,"
- "We're sure you just can't loose,"
- "In those high heeled shoes,"
- "No, your bum ain't too big, that's the tru-u-u-th!!"
- "Wonder Woman,"
- "Gets me out from under, Wonder Woman."
- "All our hopes are pinned upon you,"
- "And the magic that's sublime,"
- "If you'd just vacate,"
- "The bathroom before it's too late,"
- "You might actually solve some cr-i-i-i-me!!!"
- Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman,
- You're a wonder, Wonder Woman.
Recently Gal Gadot took on the role and like Hercules has traded places with Atlas, carrying the weight of the DC Extended Universe on her shoulders as she waits for the rest of the league to finally get their shit together and get a decent review on Rotten Tomatoes without someone having to hack into it with the Batcomputer. It's a good thing Wonder Woman's immortal because it could be a while.