Wolcottsville, New York
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Wolcottsville is a sweet community that lies in Niagara County, New York, USA. The community consists of numerous houses, two churches, a bar, and a corner store called AJs. Wolcottsville is known to very few people because of the great clouds that cover almost the entire town. It is not to be confused with the former village of Olcottsville, which collapsed into a sinkhole near the mouth of the Niagara River in 1801, in what is now known as Youngstown, New York. It is also totally unrelated to Wolcottsburg, which is an unincorporated hamlet within Clarence, New York, a town now regarded as the aviation disaster capitol of Western New York.
On May 3rd, 1045, a group of tribesmen from present-day Smolensk sailed their cedar skiffs to the Wolcott area looking for new hunting grounds. There they encountered a tribe of Native Americans. It is not known exactly how the tribesman from Smolensk were able to travel back into the past from the present-day; scientists suspect some type of stable wormhole was involved.
Immediately a fight broke out. Body piled upon blood-caked body. In fact, local Natives were known for their tasty blood-cake recipe. Tomahawks, vodka bottles, scimitars, spears, and feather pillows filled the air. When the dust and feathers cleared, the Russians were victorious over the Native Americans. As a result, all Russians are banned from Native-owned gambling casinos forever.
Charmed by the bloodshed, they built simple wattle-and-daub 3-story Cape Cod style homes roofed with prestressed asbestos and appraised at anywhere from 30,000 to 75,000 rubles.
Over the years, more people came to the settlement. The housing market boomed. Eventually, they all sobered up, ran out of dynamite, and no more booms were heard.
As the community became more civilized the citizens established a communist-anarchic commune, and, when that didn't work, a bourgeois town council. In 1189 this council named Wolcott Abnangagi as the first mayor and war chief pro tem. Then the group as a whole assembled to decide on the town name. Wine flowed; the tables groaned under the weight of roast partridge, pickled herring, headcheese, rotgut, blancmange, and several large stones placed there for the guests to sharpen their teeth on.
The assembly decided on the name Wolcottsville, not to be confused with Wolcottville, an equally charming place which has been called "the whitest town in Indiana."
Bad choice, eh? Within weeks God punished them by sending a ravaging plague which killed everyone. The community dissolved into nowhere. Professional magicians would soon come here from across the country to study this technique.
Many years later -- in 1334 -- four descendants of the original tribesmen happened to meet. They formed a group known only by the acronym RJMK...a clever move as all four of them were illiterate. One historian later said, "The organs of this acronym are unknown to this day." We assume he meant origins but then again who knows? Maybe RJMK really does stand for body parts: Red blood cells, Jawbone, Mingy bits, and Krackow. Anyway, the four mounted a guerrilla war against the new inhabitants of the land...er, we forgot, somebody came around and inhabited the inhabitation's left vacant after the Russian inhabitants got all plagued out.
Yet another set of new families moved in. Notable among them was the Ohol family, a clan of fat lazy people that never do a god damn thing that live in a shit-hole house. They look like they belong in a trailer park; that made them fit in really well in Niagara County.
Wolcottsville is flat, with the exception of a large straight hill at the edge of town which is referred to by the locals as "The Niagara S Carp Mint," no doubt named for some type of minty tasting fish that is native to the nearby Niagara River. Lack of drainage creates dangerous swamps that have taken the lives of many who have ventured outside their backyards. These swamps are known by the locals as the Alabama swamps. A giant windmill - the largest of its kind in the county - was constructed to help drain the swamp.
The people of Wolcottsville loved their windmill so deeply that it blinded them to everything outside their purulent community. THEN!....One day, a group of adventure seekers known as the Fuckwits staggered into the village, drunk on honeyed mead and bull semen. They saw the great hill. They urinated on the great hill! They even picked violets and daffodils right at the foot of the huge windmill.
The Fuckwits learned how to harvest the massive amounts of goodness and power from the windmill. This they did by strapping a virgin llama to each of the windmill's arms and making an offering of walnut ketchup to the machine.
LITTLE did they REALIZE what immense power they were dealing with!
The ordinary people of Wolcottsville became uneasy. A prophet arose amongst them, a great and fat man called only G-Man, saying,
|“||Yea, thou shalt abide not the Fuckwits, for they are unholy even though their socks are holey. Ye shall scatter to the five corners of New York, lest the Windmill destroy you all!||”|
Well, of course all the commoners abandoned the village.
Shit, wouldn't you? I mean, really!
The Fuckwits realized nothing of the prophecy...mostly because they figured the G-Man was a loonie. Well he was a loonie, but he was a smart loonie. The Fuckwits cast their strange spells, stealing power from the hill and windmill. But one fine June day, when the sparrow-hawks sang in the sludge fields and the carp leaped in the festering swamps, the windmill spoke and a loud rumble deafening to the Fuckwits, exploded from the hill killing them all!
Oh golly gee.
Soon after this, the common, ordinary retards of Wolcottsville returned to their town to live, existing in happiness and harmony with the windmill. Thus it has continued until this very day.
- Wolcottsville is named for Wolcott Abnangagi, who built the Niagara Escarpment.
- Census records show the most popular name for baby girls born in the area is "Windmilla."
- Wild Orcs, Wargs, and other fierce Tolkien clichés run wild throughout the streets and forests of Wolcottsville. Their appearances are usually seasonal, coinciding with a new crop of schoolchildren reading The Hobbit.
- Surprisingly, over 68% of the residents are now listed as retired New York State Department of Corrections workers.
- The local country store was once run by a happy family. Later it was run by a sad family. Then a fat family, and after that a family of albino dwarfs. An Arab sheik, passing through the area with his entourage and claiming to be on his way to Rochester to buy the Eastman Kodak Corporation, once came into the store and tried to buy a country, but was told "this is a country store, but we do not actually sell countries here..." and left the store confused, threatening legal action.
- This store is a convenient place to buy over-priced pop, milk, and aluminum foil. It is not a good place to look for women, though. Due to price increases, the prices of all goods have increased. Funny how that works. It should be noted that if prices had not increased, the goods would not be more expensive. This is known as "economic theory for cretinous dunces".
- Wolcottsville also has a restaurant run by a local family, the Grciewszisnakis, called the Czecho-Hungarian Schnapps-and-Bourbon Grillomat. Here in this clean well-lighted place the lonely alcoholic finds refuge, drinking Long Island Iced Tea, wood alcohol, kerosene, and other fancy concoctions while the jukebox plays Proud Mary and Blue Danube.
- Recently residents of Wolcottsville have spotted UFOs zipping around the town, frightening cats, dumping their spaceship portapotties in the Wolcottsville sewage factory, and abducting grannies for radiation experiments. Many believe the windmill attracts UFOs to Wolcottsville.
- Others blame the mayor, who has green skin and sports a TV antenna sticking out of his ass.
- No one dares object to the UFOs, though. If they did then the windmill might become angry and smite them. Or the mayor might shove some kind of antenna up their asses.
Uncyclopedia wishes to apologize for the quality of this article. It started out as some kind of incoherent nonsense and has only grown worse with each successive revision. Nobody knows what this windmill shit is about. Windmills? We don't need no stinkin' windmills. Windmills have been made totally redundant by our advanced 21st Century coal burning technology. That damn thing was ruining reception of Toronto UHF TV stations out as far away as Corfu. Windmills are ugly and wreck the already rock bottom property values. Besides, nobody cares what the windmill shit is about. In fact there really are no windmills here anymore. All windmills in the area have now been moved to the fabled city of Lackawanna, also known as "El-Lay" to the tribes of people who live south of Buffalo Sorry. Again, we apologize.