Woe pie

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Woe pie is a shortcrust pastry pie, the primary ingredient of which are meaty lumps of despair. Woe pie has been a long standing favorite snack of people from all walks of life but is particularly relished by philosophers who use the pie to further their understanding of universal truth through misery.

Recipe

Whilst there are many regional variations of Woe pie, the core recipe is usually consistent to the following:

Cryingbaby
Babies have simpler dreams, making them far easier to crush. More babies are required however, since their dreams are also smaller and less flavourful.

Ingredients

  • Meaty Lumps of despair (approx. 250g per average pie)
  • Unsalted Butter (1 tbsp)
  • Sorrow Gravy (approx 1 pint)
  • Marrow fat peas (1 small tin)
  • Baby Carrots (1 small tin) (alternatively toddler carrots can be used but ensure that liquid is added to compensate)
  • Crushed hopes and Shattered Dreams of Small Children (approx. 2tsps to taste)

Method

  1. Take the Meaty Lumps of Despair and lightly fry in the unsalted butter
  2. Add sorrow gravy and simmer until lachrymose
  3. Throw the vegetables away until gone and ensure none of the residue remains
  4. Add half of the crushed hopes and shattered dreams to the mix before transferring into a partly baked pie crust
  5. Leave to bake for a further minute
  6. Put the pie in the oven and serve
  7. Weep a bit

The above ingredients and measures are taken from Mrs. Beeton's guide to Household Cookery and Engine Maintenance.

History

The exact origins of Woe pie are unknown and is contested by connoisseurs to this day. It is generally accepted that its origins lie somewhere in Norway although continental drift may mean they are now in neighboring Sweden.

Due to the harsh winter conditions of northern Scandinavia it is believed that once the native tribes had eaten through their winter stocks of dried meats, frozen berries, old people and geese yogurt that they began to create the dish called Pikenlaget av Sorg, which an online translator tells us means "Pie which is made of our sorrow".

During this early stage the pie was a fairly simple meal which would serve a small family for approximately three days. The pies would be more or less completely filled with meaty lumps of despair as the geriatric sweat required for the gravy was not available. This gave the pies a slightly more cheerful overtone which many people agree spoils the whole effect. Pies were traditionally baked in the draft that came in under the doors of their simple terraced houses. This natural source of thermodynamic energy meant that they did not have to resort to burning their hair and beards.

During the viking invasions the Woe Pie was brought to the rest of Europe and the Americas. After the vikings had settled and began to build their notorious flat-pack fortresses Woe Pie was served to the construction slaves to ensure they didn't starve whilst the instructions to the fort were being translated and the hex key was being searched for.

Woe pie quickly became a favorite dish amongst the slaves and after the vikings were driven off by the Arts and Crafts movement the dish remained in England as travel made it sea sick.

Due to the warmer climate and less of a need to eat the elderly, geriatric sweat was available in abundance and so the addition of Sorrow Gravy became popular. King Henry the 8th enjoyed the dish so much he spared his forth wife claiming that she baked Woe Pie as good as his mother used to make.

As trade with the east became more prevalent the availability of exotic spices encouraged the English to make cheaper alternatives. Lord Erslebury was the first to experiment with Crushed hopes and Shattered dreams. According to the famous quote:

“Bring me forthe a childe whoes hopes and dreames hast come to naught. Let those aspirations be dashed aways and grounde to a fine powdere to garnishe my disparaginge cruste.”
~ Lord Erslebury on Woe pie

Bad spelling aside, the addition of crushed hopes and dreams became an immediate success. The market price of children escalated so quickly that parents would send their children to competitions such as jousts so that they could collect the hopes and dreams when they inevitably lost.

In the Victorian era the pie formula was standardized by one Isabelle Beeton who claimed that irregular pie formulas was the source of Mourning Sickness caused by the consumption of too much sorrow gravy. Consumption was however found to be an excellent source of Meaty Lumps of Despair.

During the 1983 Coal Outbreak woe pie was served to children in schools to prevent them from developing Aspirations.

Modern Day

We now enjoy Woe pie on a near daily basis. Purpose built bakeries known as 'lachyritieres' can be found in most large towns and cities. Lachyritieres can be instantly recognized by the traditional symbol of a child holding a dead puppy.
Cryingman
The aftereffects of having consumed an entire woe pie. This condition is commonly known as 'Mourning Sickness'.

Since the times of Henry VIII, the royal family has been a enthusiastic consumer of Woe pie, even unto the present day. Queen Elizabeth II (The Re-Elizabeth-ing: This Time, She's Ornamental) is a noted baker of Woe pies, with her prime source of crushed hopes and shattered dreams being the constant influx of stereotypical orphan children who are told that they will be adopted by the Queen and live happily ever after. At this point, the children are let into the palace and given the slightest glimpse of the grandeur before the lachyritier dashes their hopes in one quick, but practiced movement.

“Ze shatterink of ze dreams and ze crushink of ze hopes iz a delicate process. I find ze best messod iz ze traditional 'False Christmas' messod.”
~ Herman Buntschwein, Royal Lachyritier on his dream shattering and hope crushing technique

As stated above, there are many methods to prepare CHASDOSM (Pronounced Chazz-Doz-Em) (The common abbreviation for Crushed Hopes and Shattered Dreams of Small Children).

The most traditional method is the False Christmas Technique. This method is employed towards the Christmas period for maximum effect. The technique is relatively simple. Build up the child's hopes and dreams using lies and the promise of candy and then give them socks instead of the promised pony.

As can be expected this method has a fairly limited timespan of viability but is generally considered to produce some of the finest CHASDOSM. In order to allow supply to meet demand, much effort has been put into extending the Christmas period beyond the traditional 23 day Advent. Such campaigns include starting Christmas advertising shortly after Easter.

The False Christmas method proved so popular that birthdays were created so that children could be harvested at an annual interval randomly selected by the government.

Other methods include:

  • The Spinning Heel Techinque
  • The Faulknerwhiffle McMareson Method
  • The Make a Wish Foundation Method
  • The Empty Promise method
  • The Klondike Method

Three toed sloth fur is prized for its CHASDOSM purification properties. It is used to seperate the tears and snot (a common byproduct of CHASDOSM manufacturing) from the valuable CHASDOSM.

Medical Benefits

Woe pie has long been known to treat the following medical conditions:

Scientists are currently looking at the effects of Woe pie on the color green.

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