Withnail & I
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“Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?”
Note: this is the page for the sequel to the film "Withnail & I". To read about the film "Withnail & I", please click here.
The Gist of This Page
The movie Withnail & I has, for many years, inspired, educated and been used as a slightly unsanitary tool of sexual arousal. However, as mentioned above, this page is not about that film, and it ought to be noted that any references to it merely detract from the primary purpose of this article.
The sequel to Withnail & I was, in the eyes of many members of the orang utan species, an exciting and perfectly enjoyable waste of 90 minutes. However, up until today, the production of this rather interesting movie has been clouded in mystery; now, with the recent discovery of Bruce Robinson's sports bag in the ruins of an Aztec temple, we are at last able to present the unabridged, uncut and shamelessly politicised production diary of this film.
I've got a splendid idea: a sequel to Withnail & I! I'm tentatively thinking of calling it Withnail & I 2.
Proposed plot synopsis:
The film picks up where the original left off, with Luke and the Ewoks celebrating the destruction of the death star. ROFLMAO!
Just joking - Star Wars reference (gotta put some of those in the film actually, would add a fresh satirical angle). We will start though at the original conclusion: this time, the Marwood character, overcome by lusty feelings and a desire to bone, sprints back to Withnail sporting a humungous erection. Withnail welcomes him in a tender embrace, which is only broken by the arrival of an angry Uncle Monty, who has been observing through the wolf cage. Burning with jealousy, he assassinates Withnail with a theatrical blow to the skull. He soon, however, regrets his hastiness, and returns to the flat where he begs Danny, Presuming Ed and The Doll Wot Pisses Itself to perform an ancient ressurection ceremony upon his poor mangled nephew.
The film now takes a more serious and darkly satirical turn. Uncle Monty struggles with the prejudice and intolerance of the '70s, and the regenerated Withnail says funny things like "Why has my head gone numb?", except that this time his head falls off.
Then, in an especially hilarious sce
At this point, I think it would be good to introduce a montage.
Now I come to think of it, how about a montage of scenes from the original film, in case the audience is getting restless? We'll have to include the classic bits like where the killer rabbit jumps around and those guys say all that "ni" stuff.
(Can we stretch this bit out a little? We don't really have enough material for a feature at the moment.)
CONCLUSION: Withnail and Marwood play a trick on Danny by making him a stupendously big joint and giving him the fear. I want a tremendous laugh from the studio audience at this point. Afterwards, they all inject themselves with battery acid and die. Before the credits roll, a quotation from the original movie appears on the screen: "Are you the farmer?". Cool and kind of ambiguous. This will make the audience wonder if they, in fact, can identify with the farmer character.
(note: include farmer character somewhere)
Pitched the idea to the studio. They love it. Big market for sequels these days, apparently.
Gave Richard E. Grant a call to see if he wanted to be part of it. Replied that he had a role understudying Constantine at the Seagull. I said this role would be better, but the bitch hung up on me.
Paul McGann's nowhere to be found. Police reckon they filed a missing persons report back in '96 after he did that Dr. Who movie. Word around the traps is that he regenerated into Christopher Eccleston, but I reckon that's absolute twaddle.
Some good news though. Diane Keaton wants a role, and I reckon we can fit an annoying mother-in-law into the script somewhere (we'll get her to wear a hat so she doesn't feel like she's being typecast). Seann William Scott is keen to play Withnail, too - one thing in his favour is that he's had experience acting in other subtle comedies such as American Pie and Road Trip.
Can't find anybody to play Marwood. We've got Cameron Diaz on board now, so we're going to change the script into a romantic comedy. Studio reckons we should ditch any overt reference to it being a sequel and call the film "Withnail and Me". Not sure if I'm happy with the direction this is going - they brought a talking animal along to the set today. I don't want a fucking talking animal.
First day of filming. Seann William Scott claimed he could do a good Withnail-meets-Stifler character, but it's all Stifler. I mentioned this and he stormed out, yelling "I turned down the eighth American Pie sequel for this shit!". Terrible cunt.
Filming going from bad to worse. Studio execs actually had a chance to look at the script, and they're saying that Dancer in the Dark has more laughs. Diane Keaton won't keep her pants on - it's a mess.
All alone now. Frosty expired on this hellish tundra twelve days ago. Food running out; I'm using a polar bear's head as a blanket. This will be my last journal entry... may the Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on my soul.
The diary comes to an abrupt halt here. The remaining pages are covered in Fall Out Boy lyrics and hastily scribbled love hearts. This may be evidence that the author was a teenage girl, bat fuck insane, or both.
Impress your mates with the following trivia:
did you know?
...that Withnail & Me was nominated for a total of 0 awards at the Cannes Film Festival, where it was not screened?
...that the film does not have a directorial credit, having been disowned by all involved and Alan Smithee?
...that if you listen carefully at the 62 minute mark, Seann William Scott screws up his line? In fact, this is invariably the case with most of his dialogue in the movie.
...that Richard E. Grant makes a cameo? You can spot him in the scene where the main characters run into the hotel room and trash it - Grant is the man in the bathroom who runs toward the camera with an enraged expression on his face. This scene, incidentally, was not scripted.
Box Office & Critical Reception
Withnail & Me would go on to become the highest-grossing film in history not to receive any kind of release. However, Diane Keaton's nude scene ensured the film garnered plenty of controversy, particularly in the republic of Nauru, where local religious organization Families Against Anatomy protested the movie.
Most U.S. critics saw the sequel as a distinct improvement on the original, applauding the increase in fatty jokes. The New York Times gushed that it was "better than The Love Guru". Meanwhile, The Christian Morality Guide gave the film 3 1/2 crosses out of 5, criticising the use of the words 'heck' and 'gosh', but praising the lack of references to idolatory or the theory of evolution.
Where Are They Now?
Richard E. Grant retired from film at the age of 106, citing family reasons. He would always remember his role in Withnail & I with great fondness, scowling at any reference to its 'bastard' of a sequel.
Paul McGann was never found, but lives on in the memories of the Dr. Who fans who consider the Dr. Who Movie an integral part of the show's canon (although skeptics remain, arguing that this episode was merely an escape into a parallel universe, and as such, must be excluded).
Victor Mature went to his grave protesting that accusations of his having anything to do with this film were little more than spurious attempts at humour.
Seann William Scott was, and remains, a scrubber.
- ↑ Some academics do not view this as conclusive evidence of Robinson's authorship, claiming the writing style is more reminiscent of Work-Experience Man. Robinson himself held a press conference to emphatically state that he was horribly drunk and didn't care.