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Yesterday's Featured Article - Canadians

Timhorton10

Canadians are a bunch of super friendly, maple syrup eating, lumberjack, hockey zealots with big brown eyes and flapping heads. They all live in a cold, snowy place called Canada (not to be confused with Russia or Alaska).

Canada is not that different from America, besides the permanent winter and socialist medicine death panel politburo style of government. Canadians are ruled by a Prime Minister, who heads the chief death panel parliament. They have a Queen too who doesn't live there but they love her more than the Brits do. Also, they're friendly. They tend to sport thick Mullets so as not to be cold in hockey season (it's all business in the front party in the back dude... Eh), and t-shirts with "American beer sucks" slogans. Canada has had immigrants from every country in the world, except America, who have been put on Canada's "Do not board" list. All people have survived after giving them cookies, but everyone who has tried to pet them has been found dead, their bodies suffered something only Sarah Palin, could inflict, eh?

The male Canadian's antlers arise as cylindrical beams projecting on each side at right angles to the middle line of the skull, which after a short distance divide in a fork-like manner. The lower prong of this fork may be either simple, or divided into two or three tines, with some flattening. The antlers are useful for the carrying of beer cans in their plastic rings. The antlers are also used as dowsing rods to help the Canadians locate beer trapped beneath the ice that covers the vast majority of their habitat.(more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured H. P. Lovecraft, featured on 22 April 2016. See the featured version.

Did you know...

Santa plane
  • ...that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (pictured)
  • ...that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
  • ...that the White House is really off-white?
  • ...that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
  • ...that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
  • ...that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
  • ...that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?

In the news:

On this day...

2003-22-a-web

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)

  • 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - The planet Mars is born.
  • 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BC - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
  • 500,000,000,000,000 BC - The Big Bang thing happened although that tiny space carried the entire universe, and gravity was so strong, no bang could make that thing separate.
  • 4,514,159,265 BC - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
  • 8000 BC - Mars, The Roman God of War, is born. He is named after the planet.
  • 1188 - The Earth cooled down and life multiplied way too quickly and ruined the entire planet.
  • 1189 - Eleanor of Acquatine announces that she would hang her necklace from her nipples, but recinds her decision because "it would shock the children."
  • 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father - names firstborn son "Steve".
  • 1468 - The Great Council of the Republic of Venice attempts to curb the power of the Council of Ten by cutting off one of its fingers.
  • 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
  • 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
  • 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
  • 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
  • 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
  • 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
  • 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
  • 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson
  • 2002 - WWE star 'The Rock' invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
  • 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
  • 2010 - Bill Gates logs on to Uncyclopedia and reads the Anniversaries page for April 22
  • 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

Today's featured picture

Michael and the children

Like Jesus, Michael Jackson just wants the little children to come to him.

Image Credit: Sonje
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