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Today's featured article

Matter is the technical term given to what laymen refer to as "Stuff". Unless you can believe the word of one unimportant German pseudo-scientist, who suggests that matter and energy are the same thing, matter makes up everything known to science that isn't energy. Rather confusingly, Anti-matter is also considered as matter.

The Elementary Constituents of "Stuff"

It used to be thought that everything in the universe was made up from four indivisible "things" called elements: Hard, Nothing, Hot and Wet. Every type of "stuff" would contain each of these elements in different quantities, and its physical properties were determined by its comparative quantities of each element. Using this reasoning, water was made entirely from wet, the ground consisted entirely of hard, strong alcohol was a combination of wet and hot, and the minds of anyone who disagreed with you were constructed wholly of nothing. This model of matter is still commonly believed amongst Creationists, Scientologists, and Mormons. (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?

Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the guy code.

But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain.

So we were drinking

...and you passed out. Man, are you ever a lightweight. Four PBRs and 10mg of Rohypnol and you're done for the night. I don't even know why you took that stuff. Well, I guess I do know why, since I ground it up and put it in your beer when you were in the bathroom. What I meant is that I don't know why I did that. Either I thought it would be a funny practical joke or else I was hoping some girls would come over spontaneously and start drinking your beer. (more...)

Featured one year ago today

Iron Maiden, featured on 18 December 2008. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that multiple sclerosis isn't as much fun as it sounds?
  • ...that Ironing blows no matter how much you try to hide it?
  • ...that sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell my stepdad how I actually felt about that time where he kicked the cat? At the time I laughed but... well... I suppose that this isn't anything to do with you. I'm sorry.
  • ...that my 5th period Chemistry sub is, like, a total bitch?
  • ...who took the cookie from the cookie jar?
  • ...that coming of age is bound to have some adverse effect on your innocence and naivete?

In the news

Screenwriter writes Halloween pitch.
  • Scientist "Gobsmacked": intelligence of cephalopods previously underestimated.
  • Berlusconi undergoes facial surgery. Likely to look ten years younger.
  • The woman you are fucking passed away forty minutes ago.
  • Gary Kirsten presents his revolutionary methods of training for Indian cricketers.
  • Irish Church criticized for inflating the amount of abuses
  • Electrocuting cats creates controversy in Arizona
  • Girls Gone Wild in court again

On this day...

Congress is diligently working to protect Pages... primarily from Congress itself.

December 18: Dumb Anniversaries Day, Page Protection App...pp...ree...shee...ate...tion...

  • 1805 - I explode.
  • 1952 - That Guy dies doing something of mild interest.
  • 1965 - This Guy dies doing something boring.
  • 1966 - That Guy comes back as a Zombie looking for revenge. But instead finds feeding ducks far more fun than revenge.
  • 1967 - The townsfolk finally kill That Guy for good.
  • 1967 - God kills the townsfolk with tornadoes and hamburgers.
  • 1988 - I am born.
  • 1988 - I live.
  • 1990 - I am killed.
  • 1991 - The usage of I is banned due to extreme plagerism.. and intelectual property rights..
  • 1992 - Michael Stipe is found in the corner.
  • 1993 - Michael Stipe is found in the spotlight.
  • 1994 - Michael Stipe loses his religion.
  • 1995 - Michael Stipe offers $500 for the safe return of his religion. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!
  • 1999 - O.J. continues the hunt for Michael Stipe's religion.
  • 2001 - Apple copyryghts letter I. Other letters to be substytuted yndefynytely. Mankynd becomes Welsh.
  • 2005 - The Fox Bros. Network wrongly announces the death of Slappy Squirrel.
  • 2045 - The Cows rise up against their human masters. McDonalds hit really hard.
  • 2249 - Our bovine overlords are taken down by the chickens. McDonalds went out of business in 2046. KFC now hit hard.
  • 2252 - Our fowl overlords are taken out by the cats.
  • 2256 - The Great Catnip incident occurs, nearly wiping out the Earth.
  • 3013 - God realises he made a big mistake with the earth, destroys.
  • 3014 - First zombie arrives. Decayts within weeks
  • 3015 - An attempt to 'keep' a zombie is made by a boy called Tommy. He tries to keep a zombie by placing it in his freezer.
  • 3030 - People think about 2012 (End of the world) as one of the biggest pranks in history.
  • 2010 - Osama Bin Laden wins an oscar!
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture

The Lego JFK Assassination Set was the top selling toy of 1963. Collectors have been known to pay up to twenty-seven dollars on eBay.

Image Credit: Sliferjam
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Aboard the starship Event Horizon. Two men face each other for the last time. One of them, Miller, is trying his best to keep his last grains of sanity, quickly slipping away, while staring into the horror that is his adversary.

Miller: What are you?

Adversary: You know.

Miller: You want me to believe you're the Devil, well, I don't, that's bullshit!

Adversary: I'm not the Devil.

Miller: Then what, what are you? Tell me...

Adversary: Better if I just show you.

His hands reach down and he grabs Miller by the skull. Miller gasps as he sees a series of snapshots...

A news desk coffee stains, an old battered microphone, a bearded hulk, dirt under the rollers

Miller: NO!!!!

Adversary: I'm not the Devil. I'm much, much older. I watched the Beginning and I will see the End. I am the dark behind the stars. I am the dark inside you all. I am Zim_ulator

Miller: NO!!!!!!!

Zim_ulator: I'm not asking you to believe me. You'll see for yourself... and so will the rest of your Uncyclopedians. I'm going now to the other side, AND YOU'RE ALL COMING WITH ME!


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eh...hello? mommy? is that you?


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