Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 21:57, January 14, 2007 by Tompkins (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Witchfinder01

The 1974 film The Witchfinder General featuring comedy thesbians Vincent Price and Samuel L Jackson is the first major film version of the book.

“Do be a dear and throw another hag on the fire, darling”
~ Noel Coward on Witch Hunting

Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit is a best-selling business book originally published in the late 1500s. It achieved enormous success in Germany and England, and was later taken to the Americas where it held limited regional fame. Revived in the 1950s, Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit is one of the most successful books ever published and persists on the best-seller list to this day.

Along with Malleus Maleficarum ("The Hammer of Witches") and Weekend at Bernies II ("The Anvil of the Witches"), Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit formed the primary works within the field.

Prevalence

Broke the rules

In order to aid the accused in their confessions a number of highly specialised techniques were utilised, many of which are still used today.

Before the appearance of The New England Primer and McGuffey Readers, schoolchildren learned to read from Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit, making it one of the most popular published works since the invention of the printing press. Until the beginning of the 1900s, when it was superceeded by the Adventures of Biggles and the works of Enid Blyton, it was found in nearly every household and was a favorite of children and adults alike.

Cquote1 Verily, thou must poke a suspected witch or warlock with white hot pokers, particularly about the buttocks and back thereof of knees. A goodly degree of pressure is needed, for oftime servents of the Great Dragon are olde and leathery of skin. Cquote2

With an indepth illustrated guide on how interrogators may locate a "devil mark", torture techniques and traditional tools and methodolgies, as well as professional investment advice for confiscated properties, the book has remained a favourite amongst seasoned experts and keen amateurs.

Advocated practices

Burning

Witches, as well as Communists, are known to be highly flammable. Flame retardant gloves must be worn at all times whilst handling. Due to their fear of naked flames, burning is one of the most popular and effective methods of torturing Witches and Pinkos.

Traditionally burning at the stake has always been favoured throughout Europe and North America, whilst in turn Witches hold a preference for burning Christians within large formal constructions.

Drowning

With their inherent inflammable nature witches are notoriously fearful of water, making a dunk in the garden pond a great potential means of torture. For a dash of slapstick try a soda syphon, or comedy squirting clown flower. That old perennial, the bucket of water, will have any witch screaming "I'm melting....." in no time.

Groin-stamping

421px-Punishing-witches-Laienspiegel

A number of competitions were made popular during the 16th and 17th Centuries, including the European Hot Tongues Contest.

A perennial favourite, and still an important method of torture. Seen recently in both Abu Ghraib and the English Cricket Team's defence of the Ashes, it remains a keen element in the Torturer's Arsenal.

Eye-gouging

Performed primarily with a large icepick (or carpenter's hammer), eye gouging not only permenantly blinds those who its used against, but may also act as a lobotomy by completely destroying the victim's prefrontal cortex.

Flogging

Useful for obtaining a confession, flogging is a favored method for getting witches, slaves, and almost anyone else to admit that they hexed their mother, turned John into a toad, and/or consort with the devil. Also a popular pastime amongst the clergy, judges and members of parliament.

Beheading

Often utilised as a "last resort" beheading has the unfortunate side-effect of bringing the torture to a sudden and dramatic ending. As a method of torture it is particularly uneffective unless attempted with a housebrick or gardenhose.

Criticism

While the element of fun is immediately evident to observers, or even those within earshot of the combined shrieks of enjoyment and pain, some have said that the profit margin is sorely lacking. Demographically, witchery seems to be an affliction of the poor, or at least this is the commonly held agreement based on an analysis of the incomes of those tortured and killed since the 1500s. As such, there has been a scandalously low influx of cash generated from the liquidation of those individuals' estates.

At present, a panel of experts has been dispatched to take a serious look at the lower and working classes to determine whether witchcraft is afflicting any of their numbers. Economists are confident that such persons are sure to be discovered, and will provide a much needed boost to the stagnated economy, and the correspondingly stagnated social life, following the near-extinction of the lower-lower class.

Authors

Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has seen many editions with numerous authors adding to it, keeping it forever relevant and up-to-date. The original manuscript is said to have been based on the journals of Tomás de Torquemada. Since then, it has been passed down generation to generation, notable contributions made by Samuel Parris, Betty Parris, Abigail Williams, William Griggs, and Joseph McCarthy.

See also

Good Small Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Personal tools
projects