Witch
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“Turn that flashlight OFF!”
~ Louis on the Witch
Witchbreed (Homo magister) is by most anthropologists considered to be a subspecies of homo sapiens, though some consider a synchronistic evolution in another cosmological fold a more likely origin (witchrealm). Their facial features are marked by palegenter sedapteris (nose crookedness). Many witches carry a certain microorganism in their skin that coalesces in nodules (warts). Some scientists consider it be a symbiont, as there is some evidence it induces mana flow in the witch.
Witches are considered by most scientists indigeous to Europe, though witches can also be found on other continents. Witches often live in warrens dug out in local geography. Where the local geography does not allow the construction of significant warrens, witches have been known to build towers. A famous locale thought to contain witch warrens is witch mountain.
Witches are prone to forming matriarchical societies in vast underground tunnel networks, though other societal structures have also been observed. Rarely, a witch will nest in urban settings, using glamor spells to either blend in with society or become invisible.
Not many people have attempted to brew a witch cure to rid witches of their afflictions, possibly because it is more enjoyable to just burn them at the steak. Burning steak, however, is a waste as it does not taste as nice as medium-rare. Witches are also usually known to like steak almost as much as they enjoy children, but find stakes rather inedible and distasteful. Occasionally, one may find a Vegan Witch - these are known to be especially fond of toadstools. Witches also enjoy the company of vampires, and the occasional animated skeleton. It's just a known fact.
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[edit] Magic
Witches are known for their magic, though it has not been shown that all witches practice it. However, most all witches cast spells, as it is one of their favorite hobbies. Professor Roy Falsetto holds the theory that the magic has a autoflanaracious origin, creating synchronicity rifts which influence probability. Another school is of the opinion that magic is just, magic, man. And they love to eat calculators.
[edit] Physically Possible
Magic is possible because of the formula E=MC2. matter can be converted into magic or the other way around.
[edit] Game theory
Thanks to an enlarged postfrontal lobe, many witches excel in game theory. As a result, they are often hired by corporations to create or adapt existing games. They are for instance considered to be responsible for many sponsored varieties of monopoly. The amount of witch employment by game companies is kept strictly confidential, but it is believed witches are responsible for possibly up to 70% of all game sequels in the world.
[edit] The Old Crone
Ragged old woman, sometimes wild and sinister demeanour, tends to crop up by the waysides in moments of stress, hobbling and cackling (official terms). If passers by have lost their way, she will misdirect them, usually throwing in random swear words of a depressing nature as she does so. Also common place at public executions and will be busy knitting... Since knitting is not a normal mortal skill, it is clear that this old lady is an aspect of some goddess or other.
[edit] Witch Doctors
Witch Doctors are neither Witches nor Doctors. As they are almost exclusively male, as evinced by Hollywood films, and witches are female, Witch Doctors cannot be witches. At best they would be Warlocks. As for the Doctor bit: only three Witch Doctors in known history have been evidenced to hold medical degrees. However they were issued by the University of Phoenix. Witch doctors are nonetheless highly sought after, even though they may play games with your body parts while healing you. So maybe they really ought to be called "Warlock Holisitic-Healers." Although doctors can be witches - see Gillian McKeith
[edit] Uses
The primary use of the witch, as many in the middle ages knew, was firewood. In times where wood was scarce, especially in winter, it became very, very cold. The only available resource not required for life were humans (water being the only other option, which was too scarce and valuable to burn). At first, children were used as the means of attaining warmth, and a heat source to cook food. This was soon discontinued, for many reasons:
- 1) The population was severely diminishing by the second generation.
- 2) The extremely-high pitched screaming became annoying to the local residents, and it was decided to use older people for the burning process.
The next-most-useless group to society, was that of the witches. All they did was cast pointless spells, and do un-needed things, such as brewing healing potions. One problem that arose, however, was that the children were easily accessible, whereas witches would have to be caught before being exploited. It was not unusual during these times to find groups of people "witch hunting". This became a common pastime and sport for many of the villagers. Groups of men (and sometimes women) would sneak into witch-warrens, or witch-towers, and capture the sleeping witches. It was soon decided that younger people, who were more energetic, thereby had more energy, therefore would burn hotter, which led to the custom of taking the youngest of the witches (yet old enough for a slightly deeper voice). The young girls were thrown in cages, taken back to the village, and burnt, often to cook steak (see "persecution" for relevance).
[edit] The Detection of Witches
Created sometime in the Dark Ages by Sir Bedevere of the round table, the logic behind the detection of witches is as follows-
- Q- What do you do with Witches?
A- BURN THEM!!
- Q- What else do you burn apart from witches?
A- MORE WITCHES!! ... wood?
- Q- So, why do witches burn?
A- B..Because they're made of wood?
- Q- So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?
A- Build a bridge out of her!
- Q- Ahh, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
A- Oh yeah, oh yeah, you can..
- Q- Does wood sink in water?
A- No, no it doesn't! Throw her into the pond!
- Q- No, what else floats in water?
A- Bread! Apples! Very small rocks! Cider! Gravy! Cherries! Mud! Churches! Lead!
- King Arthur - A duck.
- GASP
So, through this logic, if she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood, and therefore a witch.
These are defining characteristics of witches:
- If you throw them into the lake and they survive
- When lit on fire they burn very well
- If they're smarter than you
- When they lick a boiling pan they're scalded
- If they practice witchcraft (can be tested with the above method)
- when they are drowned in holy water they disintigrate
- If you think they are
- If you haven't burnt someone in a while
- If you're running out of firewood
- When they are asked an impossible question god doesn't give them an answer
- if they take too long counting money
[edit] Whiches, Wiches, Wytches and Witches
"Whiches" are questions, "wiches" are edibles and "Witches" are magical humanoids. They are absolutely not interchangeable despite the the machinations of the orthographically lazy. The term "Wytches" is merely a gender-neutral spelling of "Witches" that arose in the late 1970s when the feminist movement caught on amongst the witch population in the occident.
[edit] Persecution
Witches, as a minority were famously discriminated against in nearly all cultures (with the exception of Nigerian culture and fans of the television series Andromeda). In medieval England witches were prosecuted legally and usually forced to eat burnt steak if found guilty. Though not technically lethal in in doses below 560 kilograms, burnt steak is known for it's carcinogenic properties and doesn't taste as well as a properly cooked steak. During the bloody reign of King Edward the one and only, witches were even refused a glass of water to wash the burnt steak down with.
In today's world, witches are usually accepted as equal members of society. The Salem Witch Triathlon is a biannual witch-only sporting event held in Salem, Sweden, to promote Witch awareness to the general public.
[edit] See also
- Margaret Thatcher
- Hex
- Jefferson Airplane
- Witch hats
- Charmed
- John Proctor
- Salem
- Massachusetts
- Wicca Witches who, due to a gene mutation have become non-ugly and powerless
- Pagan Smelly, dread-locked wannabes
