From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The magical power of the wish was invented by people who were just too lazy to go and get what they wanted. In the beginning, the power of the wish was great and wishes were granted frequently. But soon, the greed in mankind's heart grew and everyone began wishing. Tired of being asked to grant the same wishes, "I want to be rich", "I want to live forever", and "I want a bigger dick", the power of the wish sealed itself inside ordinary objects. "Here", it reasoned, "I can rest." At first, all questioned where the wish had gone. It became part of history as the only effective way to become immortal, rich, and hung. But history became legend, legend became myth, and for two-and-a-half thousand years, the objects passed out of all knowledge...until when chance came, they were found by new and improved forms of greed.
edit Wishing Objects
The first recorded use of wishes was by Aladdin of Arabia. Tricked into entering a cave full of treasure, Aladdin found a lamp on a pedestal. He looked at the rusted lamp and accidentally gave it a rub. A magical genie, the human embodiment wishes, materialized and said he would grant Aladdin 3 wishes. Aladdin's first wish was for power and riches (typical). He became a prince and went to court a young princess who was completely out of his league in more ways than one. Amazingly, Aladdin got lucky and was invited to the princess's bedroom. With his second wish, he made a very obvious wish and went to "visit" his new girlfriend. After an amazing night of visiting, Aladdin went to the nearest bazaar, where he browsed upon presents to give to the princess. He spotted a beautiful necklace at the cost of 10,000 pieces of gold and 9,000 barrels of crude oil. Aladdin, being cheap, stared longingly at diamonds and said, "I wish you were free..." Aladdin, being an idiot, brushed up against the lamp and summoned the genie seconds before he made his statement. The genie, hearing the request and interpreting it as freedom from his own bondage, escaped from his dreadful life as a wish granter and moved to Disneyworld. Aladdin married the princess and became the ruler of his country, until he was dethroned by George Dubya Bush and the United States Army.
The method of using coins to grant wishes was created by the government as a low cost way of procuring extra funds without categorizing it as taxes. The coins are thrown into fountains after a wish is made upon them. Government officials then scoop out all the coins in the dead of night. Recently, parking meters have begun to replace fountains and many non-believers are convinced they serve a purpose besides wishing. The wish power in coins is determined by the value of the coin:
- Pennies - 1 wish point; the lowest possible ever after the haypenny passed out of use. However, the case of the lucky penny, (any lone penny found with heads up), the penny is worth 999,999 wish points.
- Nickels - 5 wish points; though larger than their younger cousins, the dimes, nickels are made out of lesser materials and therefore worth less.
- Dimes - 10 wish points; the smallest coin packs a large punch.
- Quarters - 25 wish points; even though they give some of the largest wish points, quarters are rarely used because 4 quarters can fulfill the wish of getting a crispy chicken sandwich.
- Half-Dollars - 50 wish points; these coins contain the largest amount of wish points. They are never used because they are an endangered species and are protected by the government.
1,000,000 wish points = 1 wish
Popularized by Louis Armstrong and a cricket that talked to puppets, stars are the most abundant wish-power possessing objects. It is speculated that there are more stars in the sky than crappy articles in Uncyclopedia. Unlike most wishing objects, stars have their own personalities and interests. Betelgeuse and Sirius are cousins who love to play pranks. The stars of Orion's Belt all belong to the sorority Kappa Delta Omega. Even the Big Dip and Little Dip, though stupid, play the intergalactic sport of black hole bowling. Of course, stars can also feel jealousy toward each other. For hundreds of years, wishes have wished upon only several different stars, such as Polaris. This caused great animosity between the friends and family who are often neglected because they aren't bright enough. This social problem escalated even further when a turf war between the Orange and Blue stars erupted. Said one flustered Orange Star:
"They took our wish selling areas! We got pure wishes, not some of that fake shit they gots" - O. Range
The conflict ended with a shoot out at the Horsehead Nebula. Twenty-five stars became dead draws.
NOTE: during the shoot out, it was noticed that wishes were granted with greater frequency, bringing the belief that "shooting stars" provided better wish granting.
edit Heskey Confusion
Their has been much confusion between which shooting stars are actually shooting stars or something else, people usually say there planes or satellites passing by but it turns out that the greatest striker on FIFA has been practicing his LONGSHOTS. Emile Heskey after becoming a free agent by leaving Aston Villa as a STRIKER had decided to practice his skills by aiming at his annoying neighbor Jeff's house but he has been unsuccessful at hitting the target and instead launching the ball into the sky never to be seen again, these balls are hit with such force that they begin to burn up in the atmosphere upon return and make the appearance of a shooting star in the sky when they catch fire.
edit Four-Leaf Clovers
Four-Leaf Clovers are genies that use mimicry to remain hidden. When you see a field full of clover, it is very likely that inside, somewhere, is a small genie with the unfortunate genetic mutation caused possibly by smoking or drinking or huffing kittens. Four-Leaf Clovers are easily frightened and will stand paralyzed with fear when confronted by any creature. When cornered, it will wave slowly in the wind in order to escape capture, which is largely regarded as ineffective. Should you happen to spot and capture a four leaf clover, it will give you a wish! Don't wish on anything that might not happen, though. Only wish for things that are guaranteed.
Candles are satanic beings that channel their energies to grant wishes. If you ever became one year older, you probably saw this Wiccan rite. The lights are dimmed and the candles stand on a large pastry in one of several formations: circle, square, rows, star. Chanting from the sides begin:
"Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Its a great day to summon demons, Happy Birthday to YOU"
The person making the wish must close his eyes and concentrate on what he wants most in life. The candles are sensitive to psionic brainwaves and grant the wish that is being broadcast...but only if the wisher can blow out all the flames at the same time. Failure to do so with force the wisher to wait another year before the rite can be repeated. If the wisher takes too long to make a wish, the candles overload and melt, spoiling the platform they are standing on. Over the years, wishers began cheating by using larger candles the represent very large numbers in order to raise the probability of getting a wish granted. These nefarious tactics do not work because the number of candles need to directly proportional the age of the wisher. Candle wishing, though less costly than other wish granting ways, infuriates GOD and must be attempted sparingly.
This one is a dead giveaway; everyone should know about this. However, the common misconception of the wishbone is that when 2 people break it, the one with the larger piece gets the wish. In actuality, both wishes can be granted if the bone is broken in such a way that one person has 3/5ths of one end the other has 2/5th.
edit HorseshoeThis one grants only 1 wish, the wish to live through the event. This phenomenon was recorded when a farmer was kicked in the head by his horse. The only thing going through his mind at that moment was
"I WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THIS MOMENT". His wish was granted and he lived until the ripe old age of 13. He was survived by his wife and 25 children.
edit Mountain Dew
Pepsi apparently puts genies for hire in many of its bottled drinks because when you grab a bottle of ice cold, refreshing, cafinating Mountain Dew your only wish is All i want is a free pepsi product but since the chances of getting this is like one in one billion you are much better off getting a genie that can grant that wish instead of waiting to find a winning twist off cap.
edit The Odd Peculiarity In Which the Wish Goes Against the Wisher
This oddity is seen in 23% of all granted wishes. For example:
"I wish that I didn't have to do my nails..." "Granted. I cut your fingers and toes off!"
"I wish I wasn't fat." His wish was granted, and now he's obese.
"I wish I could go to a place where I can catch millions of fish." The fisherman and his homeland of Atlantis sank into the sea.
"I wish I didn't have to go to work"..."Granted. You're fired."
"I wish I had more money"... Money fell from the sky until it crushed him utterly.
"I wish I had a girlfriend"... Wish granted.
"I wish I had a time machine"... His wish was granted, but it was made by the Chinese and broke down after taking him to the past.
It is believed that these cases are caused intentionally by objects that are really pissed. In one case, it was caused by the antics of a retard:
"Three men were trapped on a deserted island after their boat was caught in a freak storm. They found a magic lamp and genie that would grant them each a wish. The first said, "I want to go to Las Vegas!" Poof! He disappeared and was found in a casino, getting royal flushes. The second said, "I want to be at home with my family." And so was. The third was a retard and saw that his friends were gone. "I wish my friends would come back."
This problem is seen very often in the Make-A-Won't-Come-True-Wish Foundation. Usually, 1,000,000 wish points are gathered from generous donations and simply kept in a bank in the Cayman Islands. The unlucky wishers, who usually have terminal illnesses, are granted their wish in an ironic way. On one occasion, a little boy with leukaemia wished not to suffer from his disease anymore. He was euthanised.
edit Getting wishes granted from humans
This category depends on communication. In a relationship, women prefer the mind reading technique where their husbands is expected to read their minds for what they want, preferably matched with an “I don't need any gift” statement, which of course should be interpreted as the opposite. Men use the unsophisticated direct description method where they tell their wife what they want and the wife usually interprets that as a pair of socks and a new sweater. At Christmas, children prefer to write down a wish list and send it to Santa. So far 10 billion mails sent and zero wishes granted. The Internet has brought us online wish list tools which works great as long as you have a fresh degree in computing science and don't mind logging in to 10 different tools because everyone uses their own.