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- For the breakaway state, see Cheeselen.
|The Holy Wisconsinite Empire of Packerstan|
|Official language||Yoobetcha (Yah and Oshur dialects)|
|Motto:||"Eat Cheese or Die!"|
|Governor||Scott Walker (aka "the imperial walker")|
|Currency||Wedges and Wheels|
|Exports||Cheese, Milk, Cows, Beer, the Lombardi Trophy|
|Imports||every damn one of the Green Bay Packers|
|National anthem||"Roll Out the Barrel"|
|Official Cuisine||Cheese curds, cheese, bratwurst, cheese, beer, bratwurst, cheese, beer, cheese|
The Holy Wisconsinite Empire of Packerstan, commonly known as Wisconsin, is a planet best known for football, dairy, cows, football, dairy, cheese, football, beer, football and obsessive, hopeless, half-ghost romantics. It has been runner up to Canada as "Worst Place In This or Indeed Any Dimension Seeing As How You Asked" every year since 1848.
Today Wisconsin is best known for being the third world country that Ben Affleck grew up in. Wisconsin is also the home to the that party George Bush is part of if you go north of the Madison-Milwaukee line.
The people of Wisconsin are known as "Cheeseheads." Their love of cheese and all things cheese-like pushes quite a few of them to maybe the corpulent side of large. So large that they have been confused with Manatees. Just to set the record straight, DNA testing has confirmed that Cheeseheads are not, in fact, related to Manatees, the blubber-laden residents of the state of Florida.
People from other lands will often try to feed lost Cheeseheads who leave their traditional grazing areas. This is considered highly inadvisable. Feeding Cheeseheads causes them to associate others with food and they will thereafter hang out on the street corner outside your favorite coffee shop and shake a little plastic cup with a little spare change in the bottom of it.
Even though Wisconsin's major cities seem to swarm with people, there are remarkably few native Cheeseheads left in the state. Their numbers have dwindled following a huge influx of people from Illinois, known as FIBs, who have taken over most of the cities and towns. It was a massive wave of FIBs that caused Door County to break off Wisconsin and fall into Lake Michigan. Illinois also successfully annexed Milwaukee after years of squatting.
Cheeseheads are most often found in taverns with a beer in one hand and a pickled egg in the other. You can find a tavern in Wisconsin wherever two roads intersect. A tavern is like a bar except it has no reasonable interior lighting, the beer is served tepid, there are no doors on the bathroom, the bartender lives in an apartment above the tavern, and the only cocktail served is Whiskey. You can also usually buy bait there. The word tavern is derived from the Greek "Slosh-hole," meaning dive bar, which was mispronounced "pork rind" by the early Polish settlers.
Wisconsin has no political leadership. If this photo of the Governor (cf. the opening lines of a bawdy local folk ballad: "My name is Tom Thompson, / I govern Wisconsin") with the leading members of the state assembly doesn't explain why, nothing will.
It used to have some political leadership back in the days of "Fightin' Bob" LaFollette, but that was back in the 1620s or so, and nobody in state politics today has a backbone to speak of.
Nowadays, Wisconsin is run cooperatively by the Religious Leaders of Packerism and the Brewerite Brethren of Milwaukee. While the holidays of these groups come at different times of the year, the rituals are much the same. Most celebrations involve drinking beer and grilling various sausages in stadium parking lots.
Wisconsin is most famous for it's vast Cheesium mines. These mines used to be the World's largest Cheesium mine in the world, So huge that Wisconsin's motto is eat cheese or die. Ironically, a new Cheesium vein has been found in California, and has beaten the previous record once held by Wisconsin.
Many people mistakenly believe all cheese is made from fermenting milk, the way barbarians make it in other lands, but Wisconsin cheese is unique because it's quarried from cheesium mines. Cheesium was discovered by Eugene Ingqvist and his crack team of sandstone cutters who broke into the first vein of high-grade cheesium back in the late 1850's. Back then cheesium, like petroleum, was considered no more than a nuisance and left in the hot summer sun to rot and become manure which, as everybody knows, turns into cows, but Eugene's son, Gerdon "Stinky" Eugenesson, realized the potential for cheese as a food when he dropped his bologna sandwich in a rotting pile of it during lunch hour. Invoking the "ten-second rule" and blowing on it to get rid of cheesium germs, Stinky was first to realize that runny, warm cheesium has such a disgusting flavor that he could get suckers to pay an insane amount of money for it if he gave it a French-sounding name and sold it in a fancy box. He was worth millions by the end of the week.
The sources of cheesium have been running low in Wisconsin for many years. Quarries have closed and the really stinky cheesium miners haven't struck a truly delicious vein in decades, leading the cheese industry to desperate ends. The industry erupted in scandal in the late 1990's when commie-pinko left-wing Madison newspapers published the results of a study finding that human spleens contained trace amounts of cheesium, but it could be recovered and processed only when the spleen was messily removed with a chainsaw by psychopaths wearing hockey masks. The news media alleged that state congressmen in on the process were using it as a means to eliminate political opposition as well as make yummy food and create a long-running film franchise.
Wisconsin is probably least well-known as the place where butt cleavage made its first appearance anywhere. Known as "plumber's butt" after it was invented by "Droopy-Drawer Bill" Johannsen, a Milwaukee plumber who specialized in the toilet snake and plunger, butt cleavage was almost exclusively displayed by old men who did a lot of manual labor, but in the last five years has become very chic and fashionable among young women from a variety of backgrounds.
Oh, if those Wacky Norwegians wearn't here we wouldn't have these!
Wisconsin is also noted for being the leading producer of the phrase "You betcha!". "Uffda" (A popular Norwegian curse, as well as a catchy tune from the Lawrence Welk show) is also a trademark export of Wisconsin. Up until 2004, Wisconsin had little or no imports, until some jerks decided to move the Miller Brewing Company headquarters from Wisconsin to some lame state that no one really cares about. Sadly, this means that the beer import for Wisconsin has skyrocketed, because it is a well-known fact that Wisconsinites without their Miller (and their slab of cheese to go with it) have an inability to cheer on the Packers, and in Wisconsin, that's punishable by death.
“Wisconsin Death Trip was an awesome movie! - So as Milwaukee, Minnesota!”
- For the past umpteen years, the Wisconsin Department of Tourism has run a successful advertising campaign centered around the slogan, "Wisconsin: Come smell our dairy air!"
- Chris Farley had his first fastball overdose at Marquette University, in the 7th floor women's bathroom in McCormick Hall, the all-freshman dorm and virgin vault.
- Orson Welles and Oscar Wilde used Wisconsin as a starting point for a race around the world. Needless to say, it ended elsewhere. We think somewhere in Canadia. Possibly Mexico. Either way, Orson Welles soon ran out of breath, giving Wilde a great lead.
- Wisconsin is the alter personality of the late state Baloneysconsin.
- Wisconsin Death Trip and Milwaukee, Minnesota are one of the best movies made in the state of Wisconsin.
- Wisconsinians do not like Illinoisans due to the snobbish and selfish nature of Illinoisans.
- In 2010, a corrupted governor from Illinois has smashed through the cheese gates and seized the Wisconsin State Capitol and the Wisconsin Legislation.
- In 2005 the nickname for the state was Wiisconsin due to its popularity of Nintendo Wii and exclusively, only Wisconsin residents were allowed to buy Nintendo Wii video game for $5,000 in their local appliance stores. But before the November 2006 launch date, Nintendo Wiis were confiscated along the state lines and airports when residents go out of state.
Packerism is local religion founded by someone who could not distinguish dairy products from headgear. The main god of Packerism is the "The Great" Brett Favre, who was brutally sacked by the Metropolis Romans. After a three minute break for commercials, the Great Farve resurrected the drive and threw the ball into the end zone for the Holy Touchdown.
The Packerists dominate Wisconsin's religious landscape. One must always wear green and gold while in Wisconsin and bow towards Green Bay five times a day. Anyone caught wearing red and white is given a stern warning and allowed to pass with a sideways glance. Anyone caught wearing blue or orange is immediately exiled. Anyone caught wearing purple is executed on the spot.
Those with Blue and White are not despised, but felt sorry for. For there is no greater curse than to be a Lions Fan.
- Ritualistic reenactments of the Holy Touchdown are held several times a year in a megachurch located in Green Bay, Wisconsin during the sacred Almost Winter and Winter seasons.
- Communion services are held throughout Wisconsin. Believers drink beer, representing the massive amounts of calories ingested by the Great Farve's loyal servants, the Offensive Linemen, and ingest bratwurst, a phallic symbol that represents the Great Machisity of the Great Favre.
Some say that Packerism was debunked by the philosophy of Vikingism in early 2005, when the philosopher Daunte Culpepperus vanquished the Great Favre in his own megachurch. However, the Packerists will always have unshakable faith in the Great Favre, even until he's 50 and wildly hurling the Sacred Pigskin to disciples of the future Chicago-Milwaukee Bears and the Duluth Vikings.
Packerists counter that the Great Favre bears the Mark of XXXI on his hand, bestowed during the Great Favre's Quest to New Orleans and that Daunte Culpepperus lacks any such markings. Packerists also take pride that the Great Favre has Three Commodations from the Order of Players Most Valuable and that Daunte Culpepperus has none.
However, in the Quest to San Diego, the Great Favre reignited his critics, including the then Vikingism philosophers Ionnes Randlus and Christos Carter, by his mediocre preaching to the Warriors of the Mile High City. Since that failure, the Great Favre has been unable to organize another Quest. Critics claim these facts prove that Great Favre is not a deity but rather the beneficiary of his offense. Packerists are offended by this claim and consider uttering anything about these facts to be heresy punishable by exile from Wisconsin, which, outside of the Packerism religion, is a blessing.
In Januray of 2004, the ethos of Packerism faltered under the hefty mass of former high priest Andy Reid in the Second Quest to New Orleans. Following this event, some followers of Packerism broke off to protest the ultraconservative dogma of then Master Priest Mike Sherman. This group became known as the "4th and 26 Faction", but order was restored when new Master Priest Mike McCarthy ascended his John Deere rider mower and shredded the teachings of former Master Priest Sherman, sacrificing the length of his neck in the process.
In 2007, the Packer's regained their hold over the Vikingists by pwning the crap out of them twice. Oddly enough, the otherwise ominous bears were able to bitch-slap the Packers. The Packers plan to retaliate by A) Beating the Bears in Sunday's game, or B) Bombing the Bears with swiss cheese. Brett Favre has also officially been declared "Football Jesus" by Wisconsites.
There are also critics of Packerism from the great Philosophical School of Bearism, but they have been the joke of the esoteric halls of the Confederation of Heavily Bruised Warriors for some time. Packerists and Vikingites will not deign to take them seriously, for they have been lacking a competent lead philosopher for years.
Then on August 18, 2009, the great Brett Favre, in battle with Theodore Thomson, had a vision of a North Star, the symbol of Minnesota and converted his entire family to the religion of Vikingism.
Like most other godforsaken places in the Midwest, Wisconsin has four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Road Construction.
Taking as long as eleven months and three weeks, winter dominates the calendar in Wisconsin. During winter the entire state is covered in a sheet of ice several miles thick. To get from their homes to the corner store to buy milk and some cheese, Cheeseheads drive their pickup trucks in the tunnels they hack through the ice. It was these holes in the ice which gave Wisconsin cheese magnate Eugene "Stinky" Onshoncomowoggon the idea for Swiss cheese.
Almost Winter, Still Winter
The Sunday before winter is locally known as Almost Winter. Temperatures hover in the forties, which is why Wisconsinites can still be seen in shorts and tank tops, trying to soak up the last little bit of Indian summer.
The Saturday after winter, when people are still chipping ice off the ends of their noses, is known as Still Winter.
The week from Monday to Friday between Almost Winter and Still Winter is the one week that Cheeseheads take off from work to go camping. It's also the week that construction crews throw up cone zones and dig up every major road from Kenosha to Superior, so everybody spends their vacation in traffic jams on the Interstate highways.
How to Tell If You Live in Wisconsin
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too pricey," you might live in Wisconsin.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might live in Wisconsin.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you think California is dumb just beacause of their milk production, you might live in Wisconsin.
If you know how to say Ashwaubenon, Eau Claire, Waupaca, Shawano, Suamico, Oconomowoc, Waukesha. Wautoma, Menominee & Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters,"....you might live in Wisconsin.
If you pick up free things at festivals and fairs just because they are free, you might live in Wisconsin.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.
7 . You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard at night, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings and funerals).
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, bratwurst, and cheese.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You refer to the Packers as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You know how to polka.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Illinois.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."
30. Attend a High-School with less than 500 students, in the entire district.