Winter Olympics
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Contents |
[edit] Events of the Winter Olympics
- Whiffling
- Advanced Whiffling
- Skiffling
- Winterpretive Dance
- Staring Contest
- Slob-Bedding
- Rock-humping
- Strip tease
- Skiing
- Synchronized
- Uphill
- Over one hundred variations of people going downhill strapped to a slab of wood
- Synchronized synchronization
- Solo
- X-country
- Skating
- Kitten Huffing
- Unsynchronized synchronized synchronization
[edit] Why You Should Care
You Shouldnt
[edit] Go Whitey!
The Winter Olympics are special in that, unlike the Spring, Summer or Fall Olympics, white folks (or "crackers") actually stand a chance of getting medals. Also, the rest of the world doesn't get snow or ice which, for the equatorial nations, makes practicing for the games impossible and competing in the games, therefore, moot.
“Damn it.”
~ Everyone from Ecuador
The statistical probibility of getting gold varies in direct proportion to the paleness the athlete's country of origin, hence the disproportionate medal hauls of the blonder and more freckled northern countries.
G+S+B=1/P (where G, S, B are Gold, Silver and Bronze Medals and P is "distance from north pole")
Gold medal winners are typically named Yurgen Bjurgen.
[edit] Sexy Sports
[edit] Women's Speed Skating
Thick legged girls in shiny outfits.
[edit] Women's Non-Speed Skating
Just bony transvestites now, but it used to have Katarina Witt...mmmmm.
[edit] Women's Toboggan
Girls with shiny outfits riding down tubes.
[edit] Women's Biathlon
Girls and guns. Nuff said.
[edit] Women's Cross Country Jello Wrestling
Not actual in the olympics yet (fingers crossed...)
[edit] Women's Curling
Most viewers of the Winter Olympics keep their eyes closed and tune in simply to hear the women's curling team talk dirty.
"Hurry! Hurry! Wait...Yes! Go, go...yes! Right here girls! Oh! Oh! Hard! Hard!"
[edit] Why You Don't Care
Besides the coldness and the dearth of tanned competitors, the primary difference between the Summer and Winter Olympics is that no one cares about the Winter Olympics.
Most of the events in the Winter Olympics involve little or no athleticness. The only events that require physical fitness are hockey and curling; hockey because you have to be able to take a hit, and curling because it's hard to sweep without dropping your cigarette.
- 40% of the "sports" involve hopping on a piece of wood and riding it down a tube for a couple of minutes. Some athletes go headfirst to make it interesting. In this they fail (not the headfirst bit, but the interesting part).
- Medals for these events are given to those athletes that stayed awake for the entire run.
- 25% of the "sports" involve putting on a helmet and falling downhill for awhile.
- Medals for these events are sent to the widows and widowers of the competitors.
- 35% of the "sports" involve various combinations of ice and skates.
- Medals go to those with the prettiest costumes or, in the case of "speed skating" (rather than "slow skating") the medals go to the athletes with the highest leg-to-arm thickness ratio.
Even the citizens of those sunless, pale nations that participate in the Winter Olympics only tune in for hockey.
[edit] Easter Eggs
The Winter Olympics were alluded to in the X-Files episode entitled, "Keep Watching the Skiis!". In that episode Mulder comes up with a crazy theory to explain an event while Scully counters with a calm, logical explanation for the same event.
Scully, as usual, is wrong.
[edit] 2010 Winter Olympics
The 2010 Winter Olympics will be held at the North Pole, amidst concern it will be the final chance for the region before it melts away. Santa's home will be refitted to accommodate the athletes and present deliveries will be halted for the preceding year in preparation for the event. Because the North Pole isn't officially a city, it is being marketed as 'Vancouver 2010', thus allowing the stupified masses of idiots at Vancouver City Council to shovel millions of dollars into this fiscal black hole. why Vancouver homeowners shouldn't even bother renting their holes in the ground and bed bug infested suites
