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“Thank god for Wino Crossings”
“In Soviet Russia, street cross YOU!”
Wino Crossings are marked pedestrian paths that allow the inebriated to safely cross busy roads and highways. Commonly found in New York City, Wal-Mart storefronts, and the Glock District of Harlem, Wino Crossings are one of the notorious results of the controversial Johnnie Walker Act of 1990.
The Problem Begins
In the 1980s, Hair Metal was played on mainstream radio stations owned by Elton John and ran by people with hair; cars were boxes on wheels; George Dubya Bush was buying his way through law school and planning a takeover of Exxon; and people didn't have to look at that bitch Oprah everyday at 4 p.m. EST on CBS. It was also during this time the popularity of alcohol and wearing clothes from Goodwill had risen to an all-time high.
Guesses as to who started the trend known as Wino (the polar opposite of Emo; Wino is a.k.a Grunge) are varied and large. But if one had to make a shot in the dark, it seems that madman Curt Kobain would make the most sense.
Reasons as to why this started has to do with the "I have such a small penis, I use hairspray!" Hair Metal revolution and how it depressed listeners. (It can also be blamed for Emo.) A recent study shown that all listeners of Hair Metal became suicidal, tended to drink, and wore stuff they had stashed in the attic since 1977.
The Problem and Its Steamy Climax
In addition to the rising alcohol drinking rate, sucide rates increased by an ugly 27.2 percent (this article could recreate those numbers, too). And drunk driving rates were even more worse than the time Oscar Wilde discovered the act of Huffing Kittens in his grandma's basement. A lot of people were being hit by cars, mostly made by Ford and Crapmobile, one of them wiskey and beer spokesman Johnnie Walker.
The Remedy: The Johnnie Walker Act of 1990
In 1990, Hair Metal was dying, mostly from drug overdoses, STDs, and obesity. Grunge had taken over and some people were easing off the bottle, glad that Hair Metal had banged its last Sunset Strip callgirl with it's old, half-flaccid penis. People were stopping the hard sucking of barrels of Remington shotguns. (Well, for a while, anyway.)
But something had to be done to prevent this from happening again.
Then President at the time Moe Smallwood had talks with Congress and Surgeon General Colin Whatchacollumn to pass an act preventing new Hair Metal bands from forming and to make sure Winos weren't hit by anymore Fords. Congress and Mr. Whatchacollumn supported the idea.
After a month of discussion, they decided to make the law and name it in honor of drunk-driving victim Johnnie Walker. The people cried with joy and Moe Smallwood became a glorious footnote in American history.
An Overlook at the Johnnie Walker Act
The Johnnie Walker Act states the following:
- If a pedestrian shall encounter a Wino in a Wino Crossing, he/she shall hit the said bastard in the face with a blunt object and give the said bastard the finger.
- If a motorist shall encounter a Wino in a Wino Crossing, he/she shall throw loose pennies at the said bastard and give the said bastard the finger.
- Running over a Wino is not required, but some law officials may suggest this. Do what the official says. Ignoring the official results in a $25 dollar fine.
- Dessication of any Wino Crossing signs result in 5 hours of Community Service, picking up Winos for recycling.
- It is illegal to paint a Wino blue whilst in the Wino Crossing.
- In Kentuckistan and Tennessee, it is illegal to poke Kenny Rogers or William Shatner with a stick whilst in the Wino Crossing.
- In Massachusetts and California, is it legal to shelter a Wino for sexual purposes.
- It is not recommended to feed a Wino. Personal injury can occur, and lawsuits are illegal under this act.
- All Winos are public and/or government property whilst in the Wino Crossing.
- All drunk drivers shall only drive Fords and Crapmobiles. (In California, only after 8 p.m.)
- People conspiring to start any Hair Metal bands shall be arrested and sentenced to an gangland-style death.
Fast Facts About Wino Crossings
- In 1995, Europe adopted Wino Crossings for their own streets. It was part of the "Piss American Drivers Off" Act of 1993, which gave the United States the first onslaught of those fucking stupid roundabouts.
- Sammy Wally of Wally-World was a big fan of Wino Crossings after the death of his wrinkly old dad, John Wally.
- George W. Bush tried to have Wino Crossings uninstalled in 2001, but Congress kicked him right in the huevos.
- Your Momma is screwing Your Daddy in a Wino Crossing right now. Go look for yourself, asshole.