Winnie the Pooh

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Pooh the Professional

“Winnie The Pooh is a BIG Fat Asshole for babies.”

~ 220.101.17.180 on Winnie the Pooh

“Show me the honey.”

~ Winston Winifred Tang-zin Shang Pu II

“If I had a nickle for every time I was attacked by a small yellow bear, I would be making money in a very strange way.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Pudding is a thick, soft dessert, typically containing flour and some other thickener, milk, eggs, a flavoring, and sweetener.”

~ Captain Irrelevant

Winston Winifred Charles Tang-zin Shang Pu II, (b. May 7, 1970) also known as Winnie the Pooh, Vinni Puh in Russia, Winnie the Shit, Winnie The Poop derogatorily or simply Crap Bear, was is a highly notorious half-Chinese Crime Lord, best known for his role in the Hundred-Acre (42 Kilo-gram) Woods "Poohks" Gang and causing the 2006-2007 Honey Shortages with a synthetic strain of honey-bee virus (a project dubbed "Operation Black Raincloud"). He is known for his rampant honey addiction, tendency to crap on others, pudgy build, cold-blooded heists and uncanny ability to predict the actions of others and narrowly escape arrest through corruption and deception.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Winnie the Pooh.

edit Early life

Winnie the Pooh was born an old man in Shanghai, China, where he developed a disease and aged backwards. Pooh's father is believed to be an african-American. According to Pooh, "He met my mother while she was an exchange student from Beijing, hence my conception. Having retained feelings for her, he visited Shanghi in time for my birth. Winnie the Pooh was eventually born by being pooped into a jar of honey (that's where his name cam in). From time to time, his father would provide money, which, without his knowledge, was actually being blown by his mom on booze and honey." His mother abandoned him at at the age of 6 at an orphanage, where he quickly rose the social ladder and became the leader of domestic crime gang in the orphanage by the age of 14, many of the gang members would latter help him escape from China and become his life-long friends and gang members. He escaped China with 6.8 million Chinese Yuan ($4 Us dollars), and is now one of the most wanted international white collar and associated criminals. Recently he was caught raping little pig hard with his poo bear dick. Up the booty.

It is rumoured his father is in fact a relative of the late Yogi Bear, but such claims are largely unsubstantiated.

edit Tigger gone bad

In the final episode of Winnie the Pooh, Tigger hits his head and goes on a killing rampage. He shoots Pooh, Pigglet, Christopher and others dead. The only survivors were the Kangaroos. After that, Tigger proceeded to steal all the honey for himself. After that episode, he was called "The Nigger".

edit Personal Life

Earth is fucked.

When his mother died in 1984, his only reported reaction was: "She deserved it. She soooo deserved it. That pig-eyed bitch." Needless to say, he was never on good grounds with his mother.

In 2007, Winnie the Pooh had been charged for leading a siege at the Hundred Acre (42 kilogram) Wood Theater Centre. Pooh had been charged with kidnapping while armed (which carries a possible life sentence which O.J. Simpson didn't get), false imprisonment, using a firearm during the commission of a felony, acts of terrorism, black-market bankrolling, global manipulation and corruption, astronomical accounts of smuggling and reckless endangerment. Pooh was arrested and intended to serve a state of execution life sentence, but was released several weeks later by one of his gangsters with an inside job at the federal prison.

Winnie the Pooh is also known to be a regular tenant of The House of Mouse and has carried out various 'deals' there...

edit Ventures

Winnie has also starred in many films including: "The Tigger Movie" (2000) "Piglet's Big Movie" (2003) "Nautey Meets Nice" (1985) "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" (2005) He also has made one gangsta rap album called "You Can't Handle the Pooh" with collaborations with Owl and Tigger.

All of his entertainment ventures were done, according to him to "Earn back some dough needed for his 'activities' following the loss of a great deal of money." Having refilled his coffers, he hasn't expressed an interest to continue in the entertainment business.

Winnie's friends have played an instrumental role in dictating France. And are still his friends. Here are a few of them :

• Piglet, a drag racer at the Hundred-Acre woods, and a frequent "guest" with both Tigger and The House of Mouse, died of swine flu on July 5, 2009 at The Scrappy Doo Medical Center in LA.
• Tigger, his former occupation is a nigga, hence his nickname "Tigga the Nigga." He has an addiction to catnip and "bouncing", presumably a reference to the need to keep his bitches in line. Being the Wealthiest Cartoon Character Ever according to Forbes, his influence was well known throughout the Hundred-Acre Woods and indeed the World, although the exact amount of money in his possession is still unknown. Due to engineering the genocide of his own species, he calls himself the only one.
• Rabbit, a world-renowned genetic engineer, maintainer of a large test-garden that is frequently vandalized by eco-terrorists. Rabbit may have been responsible for developing the virus deployed in Operation Black Raincloud. Rabbit is also something of a writer and humanitarian.
• Owl, a psychotic suffering from enjoying a very severe case of Multiple Personality Syndrome. Rumor has it that one of his female personalities who was affiliated with Wicca actually managed to cause him to grow a pair of Hooters with an incantation.
• Kanga, part one of the god-forbidden duo, Kanga is the typical single teenage mother. She is an alcoholic. Like your mom, she makes most of her money through whoring herself through Tigger and occasionally at The House of Mouse, a job which she both enjoys and is supposedly extremely good at.
• Roo, part two of the god-forbidden duo, Roo is the annoying bastard-child of Kanga. He has ADD, but is actually the sanest of Pooh's companions. Nobody knows who is father is, not even Kanga.
• Eeyore, an emo elephant-mule who likes to cut himself and be depressed. He does this rightfully so because he was touched as a child and consequently has a 9-inch lead nail lodged permanently up his ass. He is a devout Marxist and once tried to launch a Coup against the Mexican government, becoming an enemy of their regime. He now takes refuge in the Hundred Acre woods, growing and trafficking Marijuana.
• Gopher, a crazed and secretive excavator. He once worked on a cruise ship, but was fired for digging holes in the deck. He was commissioned to built a large series of Underground tunnels all over the Hundred-Acre Woods by Pooh and others. Very little about him is known, but he is believed to have had some role in the formation of Pu's gang.
• Christopher Robin, the Ex-Leader of the local KKK, and a former client of Tigger's. Rumor has it he was stepped on once to often by the black gangs native to the Hundred-Acre Woods, he was shot by an organized black gang on June 19, 2009 and died at The scene due gunshot wounds to the chest.
• Darby, the new female Christopher Robin. She was the Miss America for 2004 and was in three 2009 Playboys. She has a dumb pug named Buster.

edit Play to Drugs?

A popular play was also written about Winnie the Shit Pooh. Called, Winnie The Pooh's on Drugs Too it starred Jeremy Clarkson driving a Maserati to work as a plumber every day and bartender at night. Pooh has spoken out against the play, calling it a "distortion of [his] image and history, one which [he] never authorized".

edit Mental Disorders

In a recent investigation, it was discovered that all the members of his gang were undiagnosed sufferers of various mental disorders. Their conditions are as follows:

• Winnie: Eating disorder. He claimed to any who brought up the subject that he merely has a high metabolism, but in fact his terminal addiction to honey was not actually merely for sustenance.
• Piglet: Social Anxiety. Upon questioning him about this fact, he had a nervous breakdown and wound up paralytic for three days.
• Tigger: ADHD. Likely a side-affect of his catnip addiction.
• Rabbit: OCD. Evident by his flawless garden, and his rage at those who disturb it.
• Owl: Narcissism. We asked him about it, and his reply lasted for three hours, including 1000 instances of the words 'I', 'me' and 'one' in that awkward sense that no-one uses anymore.
• Kanga & Roo: Codependency issues. Also Roo has ADD, though nowhere near the extent of Tigger.
• Eeyore: Manic depression. He would be classed as bipolar, if he actually went to the other side of the emotional scale. He also has SAD, but he hides it well.
• Christopher Robin: Schizophrenia: He is actually the only person alive in the apocalyptic wasteland that is 100 Acre Woods. Everyone else is a figment of his imagination, though he doesn't actually realise this.