Winnie the Pooh
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Accueillir aux Bois de Cent demi-hectares, mere-baiseur, Vous préparez à votre mort !
“Show me the honey.”
~ Winston Winifred Tang-zin Shang Pu III
Winston Winifred Charles Tang-zin Pu II, also known as Winnie the Pooh, Vinni Puh or simply Crap Bear, was the first French Revolutionary president, and the first professional assassin to ever be elected president of any nation if you don't include Calvin's Hobbes. He was much admired for his authoritative personality and super-efficient government, but perhaps more so for his alleged "Hundred-Frag" wood massacre. However he did leave behind a list of people he was unable to finish off and thus we need to help to exterminate the stodgy old farts at the earliest. Poop has been named Sexiest Living Creature of the Known Universe by unanimous decision of the Kazakhstani government at least five times that we know of. The cocksucker killed Jack Kennedy! Sadly, his presidency was very short lived. But he was still able to become one of the worlds most successful leaders of organized crime for over 35 years.
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[edit] The Pooh Bear
The Pooh Bear originates from North Africa from a small French Colony called UzFrancistan. They are born with the natural ability to knit, and their favourite colour is red. They can speak broken French and have a tendency to bite people. They love honey as their is MDMA in it and this is highly addictive. They are currently at war with the Asian bear the Panda. Pandas are highly dependent on Bamboo to survive and the creation of Winnie the Pooh stories are printed on Bamboo paper, thus leading to a 50% death rate increase of Pandas.
[edit] Early life
Winnie the Pooh was born a bastard child in Shang-Hi, China, to both a German-American immigrant, visiting his sweetheart who was a Chinese exchange student and Pooh's mom. His parents abandoned him at at the age of 6 at an orphanage, where he quickly became the big man there and the leader of domestic crime gang in the orphanage by the age of 14, many of the gang members would latter help him escape from China, and launch a massive Coup in French, and become his life-long friends and gang members. He escaped China with the equivalent of 1,000,000 USD, and is now one of the most wanted international criminals.
[edit] Personal Life
On June 13, 1997, Winston's then-girlfriend Minnie Mouse gave birth to a son, Gaybreil Poohson. The birth of his son changed his outlook on life, "when my son came into my life, my priorities changed, because I wanted to have the relationship with him, that I didn’t have with my father." Winnie soon broke up with Minnie after Mickey Mouse got involved. Winnie has apparently dated Jessica Alba. He is currently single and building a relationship with his son.
In 2007, Winnie the Pooh had been charged for causing a siege at the Hundred Acre (42 kilogram) Wood Theater Centre. Pooh had been charged with kidnapping while armed (which carries a possible life sentence which O.J. Simpson didn't get), false imprisonment, using a firearm during the commission of a felony and reckless endangerment. Pooh was sentenced to a potential life sentence and an additional 21 years, in which Pooh spent six years dropping the soap for Tigger, who was serving 1,034 years in prison for seventy counts of rape, lewd act upon a child and solicitation of a minor.
On August 29th, 2008, Pooh (in solitary confinement, serving his life sentence, see above) stated that he was gay, and enjoyed "spillin' the hunny" on Tigger.
Oddly enough, Pooh rebuked these claims several years later after escaping from prison, claiming that “I had never sanely stated that I was gay. Any such statement was made during a period of temporary insanity during my sentence in solitary confinement. I am completely straight. Anyone attempting to provide proof to the contrary has the goal of destroying my image through unverifiable, and furthermore, completely false means. The gay members of my gang were not taken in because they were gay, they were taken in because I felt that I should not discriminate based upon sexuality. All of the photos circulating the internet are either fake, taken during the formerly-mentioned period of temporary insanity, or are elaborate photoshops based upon various source files.”
~ Winnie the Pooh, 1998 (wtf bak in time?!)
He likes it up the pooh hole In spite of this, there remains some controversy regarding the issue of Pooh's sexual alignment.
Winnie the Pooh is also known to be a regular tenant of The House of Mouse and has carried out various 'deals' there...
[edit] Ventures
Winnie has established himself in a wide variety of fields outside of his career. In November 2003, he signed a five year deal with Reebok to distribute a G-unit Sneakers line as part of 50 cent's G-Unit Clothing Company.[54][55] Winnie has also starred in many films including : "The Tigger Movie" "Piglet's Big Movie" "Nautey Meets Nice" "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" and "Starsky and Hutch 2: Introducing Pooh". He also has made one gangsta rap album called "You Can't Handle the Pooh" with collaborations with Owl and Tigger.
Unfortunately, his greed for Honey overshadowed his significant contributions to the world of finance and genealogy, and he has been lost to history. Contemporary historians are in the process of analyzing his mysterious idiosyncrasies, and have correlated him with the Queen Bee, Metternich of Austria, and that one Mayor of that one town in that one place. He's a devout Taoist and has a book written about him: The Tao of Poop.
Winnie's friends have played an instrumental role in dictating France. And are still his friends. Here are a few of them :
- Piglet, a homosexual baby pig who considers Pooh his "best friend." Really, Pooh's just trying to be nice, when he really finds him annoying.
- Tigger, his current occupation is a pimp and a nigga, hence his nickname "Tigga the Nigga." He has an addiction to crack and "bouncing", presumably a reference to the need to keep his bitches in line.
- Rabbit, a homosexual rabbit who is always worrying about his carrots. Rumor has it he has an attraction to a bird named Kessie, who he took care of, but then again, he's gay, so...
- Owl, the typical nerd. He has a large collection of adult magazines, but only has time to read his favorite Oscar Wilde quotes.And is a Fucking Chatter box
- Kanga, part one of the god-forbidden duo, Kanga is the overprotective ganja farmer/single teenage mother. She is an alcoholic.
- Roo, part two of the god-forbidden duo, Roo is the annoying bastard. He has ADHD.
- Eeyore, a gothic elephant-mule who likes to cut himself and be depressed. He does this rightfully so because he was touched as a child and has a nail up his ass. His favorite past-time is asking others to find his "tail." Why is Optimus Prime the voice of him?
- Gopher, a crazed serial killer with a speech impediment. He once worked on a cruise ship, but was fired for digging holes in the deck.
- Christopher Robin, the sissy kid(main girl in Charlotte's Web) who's only friends are stuffed animals. He's secretly transgendered and in love with Pooh.
- Turtle. Why is he voiced by Mark Hamill?
A popular play was also written about Winnie the Poop. Called, Winnie The Poohs on Drugs Too it starred Jeremy Clarkson driving a Maserati to work as a plumber every day and bartender at night.
He has also started doing voice work, for Shrek 2 where he has a cameo as "Drunk Old Man", and for the upcoming The Wizard of Oz Movie, where he portrays the scary, rabid flying monkeys.
[edit] affiliation with DR.s without MD.s and Dave the ice cream man in particular
when questioned on said topic "we've been known to roll deep" when questioned further he stated "we even share hos"
[edit] association with UNITED LEAGUE OF NUMA NUMAS
why did winnie the pooh masterbate to the Star Wars Kid and post a video of it on YouTube? when questioned on said topic, he claimed to be the earth agent of the UNITED LEAGUE OF NUMA NUMAS, his task being to 'infect the world's supply of chewing gum with goats milk for no particular reason'. when asked what the before statement has to do with the topic on hand, he screamed 'it's chock-full of subliminal messages that make mens dicks fall off and make chick's sex drives go so high they go sterile! mwa haw haw haw haw haw haw!'. he was then kicked in the balls and make to lick the interviewer's anus for 14 hours strait, while he defecated in pooh's face. little did he know, however, that pooh LIKED it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCEZ2m9o7vc&locale=en_US&persist_locale=1
