Winnie the Pooh

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Pooh the Professional

“Show me the honey.”

~ Winston Winifred Tang-zin Shang Pu III

“If I had a nickle for every time I was attacked by a small yellow bear, I would be making money in a very strange way.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Winston Winifred Charles Tang-zin Pu II, (b. May 7, 1970) also known as Winnie the Pooh, Vinni Puh in Russia or simply Crap Bear, was is a highly notorious half-Chinese Crime Lord, best known for his role in the Hundred-Acre (42 Kilo-gram) Woods "Pooks" Gang and causing the 2006-2007 Honey Shortages with a synthetic strain of honey-bee virus (a project dubbed "Operation Black Raincloud"). He is known for his rampant honey addition, pudgy build, cold-blooded heists and uncanny ability to predict the actions of others and narrowly escape arrest through corruption and deception.

[edit] Early life

Winnie the Pooh was born a bastard child in Shanghi, China. Pooh's father is believed to be an American. According to Pooh, "He met my mother while she was an exchange student from China, hence my conception. Having retained feelings for her, he visited Shanghi in time for my birth. From time to time, he would provide money, which, without his knowledge, was actually being blown by my mom on booze and honey." His parents abandoned him at at the age of 6 at an orphanage, where he quickly rose the social ladder and became the leader of domestic crime gang in the orphanage by the age of 14, many of the gang members would latter help him escape from China and become his life-long friends and gang members. He escaped China with 6.8 million Chinese Yuan, and is now one of the most wanted international white collar and associated criminals.

It is rumored his father is in fact a relative of the late Yogi Bear, but such claims are largely unsubstantiated.

[edit] Personal Life

Pooh on the cover of the 1st Week of March Time Magazine.

When his mother died in 1984, his only reported reaction was: "She deserved it. She soooo deserved it. That pig-eyed bitch." Needless to say, he was never on good grounds with his mother.

In 2007, Winnie the Pooh had been charged for leading a siege at the Hundred Acre (42 kilogram) Wood Theater Centre. Pooh had been charged with kidnapping while armed (which carries a possible life sentence which O.J. Simpson didn't get), false imprisonment, using a firearm during the commission of a felony, acts of terrorism, black-market bankrolling, global manipulation and corruption, astronomical accounts of smuggling and reckless endangerment. Pooh was arrested and intended to serve a life sentence, but was released several weeks later by one of his gangsters with an inside job at the federal prison.

Winnie the Pooh is also known to be a regular tenant of The House of Mouse and has carried out various 'deals' there...

[edit] Ventures

Winnie has also starred in many films including: "The Tigger Movie" "Piglet's Big Movie" "Nautey Meets Nice" "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" He also has made one gangsta rap album called "You Can't Handle the Pooh" with collaborations with Owl and Tigger.

All of his entertainment ventures were done, according to him to "Earn back some dough needed for his 'activities' following the loss of a great deal of money." Having refilled his coffers, he hasn't expressed an interest to continue in the entertainment business.

Winnie's friends have played an instrumental role in dictating France. And are still his friends. Here are a few of them :

• Piglet, a drag racer at the Hundred-Acre woods, and a frequent "guest" with both Tigger and The House of Mouse.
• Tigger, his current occupation is a pimp and a nigga, hence his nickname "Tigga the Nigga." He has an addiction to crack, catnip and "bouncing", presumably a reference to the need to keep his bitches in line. Being the Wealthiest Cartoon Character Ever according to Forbes, his influence is well known throughout the Hundred-Acre Woods and indeed the World, although the exact amount of money in his possession is still unknown.
• Rabbit, a world-renowned genetic engineer, maintainer of a large test-garden that is frequently vandalized by eco-terrorists. Rabbit may have been responsible for developing the virus deployed in Operation Black Raincloud. Rabbit is also something of a writer and humanitarian.
• Owl, a psychotic suffering from enjoying a very severe case of Multiple Personality Syndrome. Rumor has it that one of his female personalities who was affiliated with Wicca actually managed to cause him to grow a pair of Hooters with an incantation.
• Kanga, part one of the god-forbidden duo, Kanga is the typical single teenage mother. She is an alcoholic. Like your mom, she makes most of her money through whoring herself through Tigger and occasionally at The House of Mouse, a job which she both enjoys and is supposedly extremely good at.
• Roo, part two of the god-forbidden duo, Roo is the annoying bastard-child of Kanga. He has ADD, but is actually the sanest of Pooh's companions. Nobody knows who is father is, not even Kanga.
• Eeyore, an emo elephant-mule who likes to cut himself and be depressed. He does this rightfully so because he was touched as a child and consequently has a 9-inch lead nail lodged permanently up his ass. He is a devout Marxist and once tried to launch a Coup against the Mexican government, becoming an enemy of their regime. He now takes refuge in the Hundred Acre woods, growing and trafficking Marijuana.
• Gopher, a crazed and secretive excavator. He once worked on a cruise ship, but was fired for digging holes in the deck. He was commissioned to built a large series of Underground tunnels all over the Hundred-Acre Woods by Pooh and others. Very little about him is known, but he is believed to have had some role in the formation of Pu's gang.
• Christopher Robin, the Leader of the local KKK, and a former client of Tigger's. Rumor has it he was stepped on once to often by the black gangs native to the Hundred-Acre Woods.

A popular play was also written about Winnie the Shit Pooh. Called, Winnie The Pooh's on Drugs Too it starred Jeremy Clarkson driving a Maserati to work as a plumber every day and bartender at night. Pooh has spoken out against the play, calling it a "distortion of [his] image and history, one which [he] never authorized".