Windsor, Ontario
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“Windsor?? I thought you said this was South Detroit?”
“Windsor... You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on Windsor
“I came from "South Detroit"”
~ Journey on A lyric excerpt from Don't Stop Believing
“Air? Whats that?”
~ Windsorite on Windsor
Windsor, Ontario, Canada, is the capital city of Essex county, and the administrative capital of the Santegeezhe Autonomous Oblast (SAO). It is a thriving cultural, economic, and political shit hole. It lies directly south of Motown, Land of Crime, and directly north of a whole bunch of crap, including most of the continental United Snakes, and South America. It is home to approximately 250,000 wretched souls and who recenlty built mid sized arena complex with the most horrible parking set up in the world, and plan to buil a urine-filled canal.
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[edit] Early History
The original inhabitant of the area was Jake Egan. The earliest archaeological evidence points to a thriving culture based on trade with various Martian tribes. In fact, a bronze age Martian bingo dabber was recently unearthed near the intersection of University and Cameron. All indications are that the Injuns lived peacefully until the early paleolithic era, when they became embroiled in a series of bloody conflicts with the crack heads across the river in Detroit. The Ojibwaaahs were quickly wiped out, and the area became just another suburb of Detroit, albeit one of the nicer ones.
[edit] Underground Railroad
During the 1800s, Windsor served as the terminus of the Underground Railroad, one of the most advanced and difficult engineering feats of the nineteenth century. A two million mile long tunnel had to be carved by hand out of solid bedrock. This was accomplished using black slaves from the plantations of the Southern United States. Construction began in 1825 and was completed by 1749, with the railroad beginning in Tuskeegee, Alabama, and ending in Windsor, Ontario. However, by the late 1860s the tunnel had become unusable due to rat infestation, and was refilled using the corpses of the damned.
[edit] More Recent History
By the middle of the twentieth century, Windsor had become a thriving hub of industry, with fully 9/10ths of the populace engaged in the stagecoach building industry. The rest of the citizens found gainfull employment in such industries as mushroom picking, eyebrow waxing, prostitution, and whaling. Around this time, legislation was enacted requiring the city to build smog factories, as the air was found to not contain enough harmful metal particles. Likewise, the Detroit River was found to be far too clean, and dumping toxic waste into its sparkling waters became mandatory. Since these laws were enacted, Windsor has become a thriving hub of cancer research and cancer patients. It can also boast of having the highest child mortality rate in the Western Hemisphere.
[edit] Today
With the stagecoach industry in decline thanks to those superior Asian imports, the city has been forced to diversify its enconomy. It has been only partially successful in this regard. The city now suffers from nearly 1000% unemployment, with even the trusty bingo and gambling industries suffering a sharp decline. Nowadays, the only people making a decent living are the numerous strippers from Quebec who find work in the city's liscensed titty bars, known colloquially as "The Windsor Ballet". However, a recent poll found that 92% of the population considers these women "skanky", although 73% of these same people admitted they had "nice tits". Despite their misfortunes, the population has been restive since the failed Socialist Revolution of 1982, but according to this gypsy I know, chaos and violence are due to explode again at any time.
[edit] Tourism
Perhaps the brightest spot on the city's economic horizon is the tourist industry. Every weekend, the city experiences a sudden influx of young, dumb, violent, drunken Americans who come in search of the city's thriving night life and lower drinking age (21 in Michigan and Ohio, 12 in Ontario). Many establishments (known as "Kiddy Bars") cater to these stupid Michiganders and Ohioans, although the local population heaps scorn upon them due to their unsavory habits, such as speaking with an annoying accent, public urination, too many references to Archie Comics in their conversations, their penchant for wearing the name Hollister written across their chests like all douchebags wear and Republicanism. However, these same citizens appreciate the greenbacks that seem to flow out of these idiots wallets like so much foamy piss against a downtown wall. It's not for nothing that Windsor is known as "Baltimore North". Other tourist attractions include Windsor Arena, a pre-Columbian ruin which dates from 2000 BC; titty bars; bingos; Casino Windsor; the "Racino", a horse track/casino; The Hanging Tree, site of Canada's most recent lynching (2003); and The Tomb of the Unknown Patient, a memorial to the area's cancer victims.
The vast majority of the tourists are Americans who unwittingly turned onto the Ambassador Bridge or into The Tunnel to Canada while fleeing carjackers and/or gunfire in neighboring Detroit.
[edit] Demographics
For a city its size, Windsor is amazingly diverse. The population breakdown is as follows:
- Blue Collar - 94%
- Small Minded - 87%
- Drunk - 99%
- Bored - 120%
- Fat - 78%
- Stoned - 100%
- Disillusioned - 81%
- Illiterate - 21%
- Pot Growers - 70%
- Catholics - 69%
- Ukrainians - 1%
- Asian - 3000%
- Blacks (they're welcomed!) about 10 of 'em.
- "Aboriginal" Canadians (Native Americans for you, Yanks) N/A
The residents of Windsor are a hearty lot who for the most part have accepted their miserable fate. They're not big on book learnin', but they are able to operate complex industrial equipment as long as they're shown which buttons to push. The average Windsorite owns his or her own home, works in a factory, has at least three cars - either GM, Chrysler or Ford, has 2.7 children, and drinks beer and watches big-screen TV in their spare time. Although many residents were raised in the Catholic faith, they usually attend church only for Christmas, weddings and funerals, or after a particularly debaucherous drinking/drug binge. Some have received their high school diploma (34%), fewer still (0.4%) have received "some college". Among those aged 25 and below, the most common aspiration is to "get the fuck out", according to a recent poll. Of these, fully 75% have "gone to B.C.", although 99% of these returned to Windsor within six months, citing the "black hole-like gravitational pull" of their hometown as the cause.
[edit] Influence of Detroit
Living in the shadow of America's wealthiest, most beautiful city hasn't been easy. Detroit lies a mere stone's throw from the shores of Windsor, and yet is a world away. The relationship between the two is complex, with most Windsor residents feeling envious of the affluence and high living standards enjoyed by Detroiters. In fact, most Windsorites are too ashamed to step foot in Detroit, such is their insecurity and sense of inferiority. If Windsorites go there at all, it's usually to hunt squirrels, or to collect scraps from the garbage cans of wealthy Detroiters. The low crime rate, high property values, excellent city services, and overall high quality of life in Detroit continue to be a sore spot with most Windsorites, who live a squalid, impoverished existence by comparison.
...NOT!
[edit] Arts and Culture
Windsor is home to many classy strip clubs. Because of the successful industry, you can find a picture of a naked woman shoving her boobs in a man's face on most of the monetary units in Windsor. On the reverse side, you can find 19-year-old drunken cockfags from the United States fighting each other in the streets, which can be like watching a rather drunken episode of the Three Stooges.
[edit] Important Anual Events
- January 8th-15th - Squirrel Fest: This annual festival celebrates Windsor's official mascot, the black squirrel, and is a celebration of all things squirrel. Events include the Squirrelympics, a squirrel cook-off, and squirrel fashion show.
- February 31st - The Everything's Free Festival: During this semi-anual event, all stores, businesses, bars and restaurants offer their goods and services free of charge. Be sure to get there early as things get pretty rowdy. Last year's death toll was 3,579.
- March 16th- Annual "2 Minute Hate." Windsorites meet up at Jackson Park and voice their hatred towards Pauly Shore, Gene Simmons and Flavor Flav.
- March 17th - St. Patty's Day: In Windsor, St. Patty's is truly a unique day. Since everyone is drunk all the time, they set aside this one day to remain sober. It is a day of somber reflection and renewal.
- April 20th - Hitler's Birthday: In this annual festival, the residents of Windsor celebrate the birth of the Fuehrer. Events include a moustache contest, goose-stepping parade, and town pogrom.
- June-July - The International Freedom Festival: This festival used to be a joint American-Canadian celebration of each nation's respective freedom, but since George Bush's election, it's a Canada only affair. Events include shitty carnival rides, even shittier entertainment, and the ever popular beer tent.
- July 25th - Christmas in July: Why the fuck not?
- October 12th - Canadian Thanksgiving, laughs at Americans' Columbus Day.
- December 21st - Stalin's Birthday: Uncle Joe gets his due with Windsor's annual tribute to everyone's favourite despot. Events include a vodka and cheese tasting, mass repressions, and a three-legged race to Siberia.
- December 25th - Other Christmas: This event is kind of a letdown after Christmas in July, but you still get double the presents, so it's all good.
[edit] Random Facts
- According to a recent survey, the average Windsorite's diet consists exclusively of white bread, bologna, chips, beer, pop, Kraft Dinner, and ketchup.
- Zero - the number of Windsorites who've given up smoking since the recent indoor smoking ban.
- An astounding 75% of Windsorites wish they lived somewhere else. The most popular choices were Lasalle, Techumseh, Lakeshore, and Detroit.
- When asked if they'd consider giving up their car(s) for the sake of the environment, the most common Windsorite response was "Fuck you, you commie bastard!".
- The average Windsorite drives to the corner store.
- Windsor is the birthplace of Bob Hope, Milton Berle, Benny Goodman, Jesus, Subcomandante Marcos, Santa Claus, The Blob, Bob Marley and Democracy.
- Contrary to popular belief, the Windsor Knot was not invented in Windsor. However, the regular knot was.
- Windsor Castle is in Windsor, England. The Windsor Castle in Windsor is just some crazy shit made out of cardboard by a homeless guy.
- The largest hole in the ozone layer is located directly above the Ford foundry.
- The largest hole in Windsor belongs to a stripper from Quebec.
- When asked what activities they'd most recommend to tourists, most Windsorites answered "watching TV".
- 97/52 women polled would marry Eminem. 100% of them solely for the American Greencard.
- So would the men if it were legal in America.
- Ceramic yard geese are ubiquitous in Windsor. Every family owns at least four. This is because all the real geese died as a result of industrial pollution.
- Windsor can boast the highest union membership in the free world at one zillion percent. However, at least 74% of these same union members are unable to reconcile the contradictions of their shopping at notoriously anti-union Walmart.
- In order to make up for the loss of the automotive sector, Windsorites have decided to sell their one and only prized possession: Kevin Bacon's autograph.
- The following people are never allowed into Windsor: Pauly Shore, Gene Simmons and Flavor Flav.
- In Windsor it is illegal to feed squirrels or strippers by hand.
- Caesar's Windsor, formerly known as Casino Windsor, has the tightest slot machines in North America. Unbeknownst to most, they aren't even slot machines at all, but are really broken cigarette machines.
- A recent poll showed that the number one regret among Windsorites is the annexation of Sandwich Town.
- The latest estimates place the number of Shwarma and Falafel shops in Windsor at close to 2 billion.
- There are more people currently employed in Flint Michigan, Chernobyl, and Tombstone Arizona combined than in Windsor.
- A recent Maxim magazine survey placed the University of Windsor at number one for "sluttiest chicks".
- St. Clair College now offers a diploma in Pole Dancing.
- Windsor Spitfires ice hockey team (pee-wee hockey).
- Essex duck slaughterhouse
