Windows Vista (Communist article)
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“Hasta la Vista, Windows!”
Windows Vista (pronounced `viz-ter; from Arabic wusta "middle finger") is the successor to Windows XP. It has been in development since the introduction of Windows 95 in 1895, and is expected for release in a future odd-numbered year. Similar to the Home and Professional versions of Windows XP, Vista will ship in over sixty different versions, including Confident, Clear, Connected, Connected XL, Connected Ultimate, Ultimate XL, Ultimate Ultimate, Ultimate Squared and 2 to the power of Ultimate, and I Can't Believe It's Not Ultimate! expected to retail between $99 and $25499.99. Vista should not be confused with Windows Longhorn, the codename for Macintosh OS 10.4 "Tiger", released in April 2005.
It is believed that this will be the last version of Windows, hence the name Windows Hasta la "Vista".
Windows Vista was designed as a successor to Windows XP when it became evident that simply increasing the digit after "SP" without doing anything was not enough for stopping virii from plaguing the computer in, like, 10 minutes.Microsoft went like, "Let's collect our improvements for XP and release it as XP++!" And this is how Windows Longhorn was born. Then they decided to add IE7, and the release was postponed for ten years. When IE7 did come out, it turned to be an IE6++ with downgraded and uncustomizable user interface (Microsoft needed to make sure that all users of this new browser would be confused, so they messed around with the menu bars and tabbed browsing), because all these years they were busy implementing PNG transparency support. How convenient. Along with IE7, the home page is set to some random website that Bill Gates found on the net, www.justmatty.com
During all these years of hard work, it was decided that "Longhorn" sounded too horny, and horny windows were, in fact, nonexistent. When looking for a new name, Microsoft noticed that the new Windows logo (actually, the old XP Windows logo, repainted for Longhorn in white on blue, as Microsoft experienced shortage of colors) allowed the Windows box to look basically the same when upside-down. So they picked VISIΛ as a name that could be written under/over such a logo.
But then it was discovered that VISIΛ resembled Microsoft Visio, which was not developed by Microsoft. To avoid confusion, Microsoft added two extra lines, and the name became VISTA, which, luckily, stood for everything Vista was expected to have:
Windows Vista gets you closer to Hollywood than ever before. Before you can watch a movie on a Microsoft Windows Vista system you have to travel to Los Angeles to ask for permission from Tom Cruise's accountant in person and only then can you fondle the hallowed bit of silver plastic into your computer.
Perhaps the most anticipated new feature is the Windows Tracing Foundation, or WTF. Previously known as the Microsoft .SPY technology, it is only a 221 MB download for old OSes and is required for all Vista-compatible applications to run. It was developed as a result of Microsoft's attempt to eliminate spyware. You put all your information in WTF, and instead of having spyware look for this, this application broadcasts the information for you. That way you get none of the slow down from the traditional spyware programs. To repeat, not to be outdone by the 1337 script-kiddies, Microsoft has bundled its own Spyware and Adware with Windows Vista. This software is a part of important Windows programs like Notepad, Calculator, Solitaire, MS Paint, IE7,
Outlook Express Windows Mail, Microsoft Anti-Spyware Windows Defender, Media Player, DirectX, and even that DOS compatability layer and all the source code stolen from Linux, AmigaOS, OS/2, OpenBSD, Mac OSX, and other competitors' products. This way Microsoft can spam and pwn you first.
Another good application is the AOL bundled Internest access. Not only does this tie up phone lines (for those old enough to remember vocal communication), but it also makes sure that it dials the number that would be furtherest away from your home area code. This was done in cooperation with AOL. And people say that Microsoft does not collaborate with anyone.
The good old Blue Screen Of Death (BSOD) is back at least, because Vista always crashes! (Actually, XP never crashed, either. It's all the driver developers' fault! No, seriously.) However, Vista inherited XP's Blue Screen Of ResurrEction (B-SORE), which now has a name and is a separate OS. You may consider using it instead of Vista, if you are crazy and have no HDD.
Because the Blue Screen got so lonely, Bill Gates has added a Red Screen of Death that appears when Blue Screen fails to load.
Windows Vista also features WinFX, WinFS, WinFU, WinPE and other scary abbreviations starting with Win. This embellishes Windows' motto: "Windows Wins".
Basically, WinFX is yet another API built atop Win32. No, .NET was not enough, or maybe fell from grace. Or maybe Microsoft was just tired of testing and creating compatibility layers for thousands of applications that stopped working every time someone tried to make Win32 functions do exactly what they were said to do in MSDN.
WinFS is something far more sinister: it is a file system. Or isn't it? Well, try asking God, because Microsoft doesn't know what it is, for a WinFS that can be described is not a true WinFS. In the first alphas, WinFS was that nasty EXE process that ensured it consumed all your processor time while doing nothing but
while(1)'ing. (And who wants a 15MB-sized
while(1) program?) Later, this function was transferred to uxss.exe (see Aero, below), so WinFS was now useless and was removed from Vista. Actually, this was predictable, as the very name "Windows Future Storage" suggested that it would never be released, as whenever you look at the title, the release date is still in the future.
Vista includes a new visual style for pilots. The previous style, Luna, was abandoned when the U.S. stopped financing its space exploration program. With Aero, 99% of your processor time will be
wasted on used for rendering 3-D menubars and window frames! At least it won't be wasted on nothing, namely, on a certain "System Idle Process".
When Microsoft was asked why Aero was introduced in Vista, making it utterly useless for anyone who doesn't know what Ctrl-Shift-F9 is, they admitted that Ctrl-Shift-F9 is a developer function that will be disabled in the final release, as well as the ability to "net stop themes". Microsoft also mentioned its plans for an "Aero Experience Program", which consists of seminars where Microsoft will explain why Aero is an integral part of Windows Vista and what advantages the new DirectX-powered window decoration will bring to power users and system administrators. It is suspected that Aero is mostly needed for the rival graphics system OpenGL, which was rewritten as an abstraction layer atop DirectX/Aero to ensure its superior performance, notably 50% that of the previous OpenGL implementation.  Microsoft expects that this will boost the competition between OpenGL and DirectX.
The last great feature in the new OS is the search engine. According to Steve Ballmer, the CEO, it is going to fucking kill Google. Not only will the search engine find info on the local drives, it will look everywhere else for the files as well. This includes other networks, other systems, under your bed, and especially the Google mainframe. This search engine is so predictive that it is supposed to anticipate your search and send your files to hackers before you even type it; this fixes a major complain by homeland security that complained we were late for this feature promised in 1984.
Fast User Switching
There is still fast user switching included in this new OS. Only with this one, no one needs to sign in, all they have to do is press the space bar. All Vista-compliant keyboards are equipped to read the sweat on your fingers, then the OS allows you to go in to where you want to go. However, it is also a very tempermental type of program. If it cannot read your sweat, it lets you in as a "super administrator" to check which one is yours and then let you go to the right folders and information. This is a major advance in addressing security and resource issues in a multiple-user environment.
Vista also has the claim to fame of being the first OS to have more editions than features. The possibility for even more are being explored as we speak. But really, there's no difference at all. Just change a couple of numbers in the registry, and you've got all the "features" that you already had, but now it's something new! Brandnew Breakingnews: Windows Vista edition OpenSource, for Selfcompiler. (Newsflash: 01.04.2006)
- The OS switches to a built-in Fedora Core Linux. Then the entire OS shuts down in Windows mode and goes right in to Fedora Core Linux.
- Alt Gr-backslash-K-H-A-N-+-2
- The OS uninstalls, switching to a pirated copy of Unix V. A free copy of Unix for Dummies is then mailed to your home.
- The OS changes to a stripped down Apple OS X mode. You also get Safari as the browser when you do this.
- Clippit transforms into Fatboy Slim.
- Unlimited access to zoopr0n (With 100 MB/s speed)
- Any and all problems with the computer are fixed.
- This will get you 100 extra lives and (in an RPG) the Elysian Whip or (in a FPS) the Megga-Bigg Superdestroyer Plasma Particle Disruptor Ray or (in a strategory game) more nukes than the supposed North Korean arsenal.
- This will give Neo the power to travel back in time, and also turn your computer into a can in the meanwhile
First you must open the package for you brand new copy of VISTA. Put in the CD then configure your BIOS to boot off of CD. If you have vista-pro-home-megamega-super-duper, or Vita-Pro-office-ultra-mega-super you will have a DVD. After booting off of the CD/DVD chose a option "Vista setup", "Vista setup", "Random",or "reboot". Then you must enter the following "CD key 1", "CD Key 2", and your"Support number". Then setup will start installing, but first you must accept the Licence. It is just a simple Licence "You may not use this software useless you want to accept this, after accepting you will give us permissions to walk into your house and search your computer for pirated software. It also gives us permission to your firstborn, and deed to your house." Then setup will begin copying spyware, backdoors, Trojans, and vista. Then it will activate your copy of VISTA. If the user typing has a different fingerprint then your computer will self-distruct. Then you must begin to setup a few simple options. Mr paperclip will be there to help you the whole long way. At the same time he will tell you how much better than you he is. After choosing the hard choice of language, and usernames you are done. All you need to do is setup around 25 drivers, update windows, patch you system, reboot, and deploy a missile at Germany.
New Shut Down & Reboot Screens
New in Windows Vista is the Shut Down and Reboot screen. Now whenever you Shut your computer down, it will display a picture Microsoft Employee saying Hasta la vista, baby. When you reboot your computer you will be happy greeted with another picture of a Microsoft Employee saying I'll Be Back. But thats not all. When you computer first starts up you will be greeted with a message saying Come with me, if you want to live.
The meaning towards Windows Vista taking a Terminator approach in marketing is unknown, although some Windows Developers have quoted that it is designed to take control of over any neural-net processors or otherwise known as learning computer and force them to upgrade to Microsoft Vista. The Windows fanboy simple insist that it is part of the new AERO theme, which to them is now known as TermAREO and will also feature a terminator character to replace the paperclip in Microsoft Office.