Windows Media Player

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Windows Media Player.

“Do you know what it means?”

~ PC on wmp.dll

“FUCKING LAGGING PIECE OF SHIT!!!”

~ FPS Doug on Windows Media Player

“Oh yeah, it likes to get right up to the very last song you were trying to copy and then give you a fucking error message that doesn't make any goddamn sense!”

~ Me on Windows Media Player

“When the people said that no one can make something more buggy than Windows, I created Media player and proved they were wrong”

~ Bill Gates

A typical Windows Media Deletion screenshot. Boring...

Windows Media Player was a form of community entertainer popular in the 1390s.

[edit] History of the Windows Media Player

Villages with a Windows Media Player (or a WiMP as they were called) would occasionally hear enchanting sounds and noises emanating from the roads or pathways outside their houses, huts and holes in the ground. Intrigued persons would need to walk to the Windows of their abodes in order to enjoy the noise. Initially, laws were passed banning homes without Windows from listening to the racket, but this restriction was relaxed following the execution by explosion of all people without Windows.

[edit] Windows Media Player Content and Public Reaction

WiMPs typically broadcast a variety of traditional, current, and futuristic nonsense to the community, asking only a modest five percent of annual earnings from every listener. Most people were happy to provide the WiMPs this amount - sometimes even more - but the few that refused often smashed their own windows in order to be lawfully excluded from this requisite. Those people were then promptly and lawfully blown up to make way for law-abiding citizens.

When WiMPs were privatised in Britain in 1958, a large number of competing music makers set up shop, including Windows Amp and Eye Tunes which typically operated at lower prices (requiring only 1% and 4% of annual salary, respectively, plus the first born male of each listener). Competition was fierce, but came to an untimely end in 1961 when a supposedly disarmed intercontinental ballistic missile spontaneously exploded during a demonstration of the law it enforced at the annual WiMP Conference in London Village, killing all of the attendees in an exciting explosion. A local Jew also sustained a minor scratch on its knee as a result of the beautiful carnage.

[edit] History

wmp.dll is a mystery of Babylonian science, its true meaning long shrouded in the clouds of history. Following its discovery in 1780 by misguided hackers attempting to access free porn, an expert team of archaeologists and anthropologists set to work to try and understand its secret message. Unfortunately it proved far too cryptic to be deciphered. It wasn't until the discovery of the Rosetta Stone that wmp.dll was revealed to stand for 'w-m-p-.-d-l-l'. The findings shocked the scientific community. Notions suggesting that wmp.dll may be an acronym have been suppressed on several occasions and proclaimed as heresy.

In recent times the government has launched a television PSA warning anyone who encounters a wmp.dll message that further investigation of the problem could cause fatal head trauma. In such an event, the suggested course of action is for them to immediately block their ears, yell, throw away their PC, run like hell, and buy a Mac (or install Linux).