Windows 7

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Windows 7.
“Ah, Windows 7. After the mother of all errors and the father of all lagging, we have a fucking Vista ripoff. That's exactly what an average user needs now, yeah.”
“Windows 7 I do not have. A piece of shit Windows XP is!”
~ Yoda on Windows 7
Win7logoscreen

New performance. New appearence. New everything.

Windows 7, codenamed "This Time We Swear We'll Do It Right", is the next version of Microsoft Windows after Windows Vista currently being developed and tested by Mongolian outsourcers. Its build number is 7000 following the Microsoft policy of "Move the Decimal Place Three Places to the Right" in order, so it is said, to make the product appear more progressed than it actually is...

As can be seen below, this crisis has had many implications:


edit Built-In Viruses

Windows 7 boasts a wide array of inbuilt applications, notably thousands of viruses. The following excerpt is taken from a pre-production box: "Now with preinstalled worms right out of the box, Windows 7 allows you to truly get on with your life, meaning that you no longer have to update your system's security, including keyloggers that keep your identity secure (read the terms and conditions) so that you don't have to!" Mr Billy Rubin, the inventor of Windows, reportedly made this move after he was sued by the creators of the infamous W32 Blaster. He stated in a recent interview, "It's for the best, really, because it means you will be disconnected from dial-up connections every 15 minutes, which will save pay-as-you-go customers a lot of money. It's ingenious technology!"

edit "Smart" Defragmenter

Since Microsoft was sued by data recovery companies for being too stable - and thus threatening competition - Windows 7 will mean that it is effortless for users to maintain their hard drives. Specifically, any data saved will eventually spontaneously disappear. Some critics have posed the argument that this is "barely a revolutionary idea, as it already happens in Vista 98.754% of the time".

edit Windows 7 in 2012

Alienware Fail00:23

Alienware Fail

Our operating system is the best because it's the standard because the standard is always the best!!

edit Easter eggs

File:Bsod 7.png

By entering into run "noguibsod" you enter a special mode in which you can stop the BSOD from registering software conflicts before it's too late!

edit

The Microsoft Windows Developer Team has decided to go back to basics with the logo for Windows 7. The new logo looks strangely familiar to anyone who has been using computers since the 80's, but no one could put a finger on where it originated from. Then, finally, someone realized it was an updated version of the Windows 3.1 logo. What innovation and creativity!

File:Windows7.png

edit "Smart" Defragmenter

Since Microsoft was sued by data recovery companies for being too stable - and thus threatening competition - Windows Hitler will mean that it is effortless for users to maintain their hard drives. Specifically, any data saved will eventually spontaneously disappear. Some critics have posed the argument that this is "barely a revolutionary idea, as it already happens in Vista 98.754% of the time".THE SUPER WINDOWS 7 DOSSSSS EDITION ( ONLY FOR ENIAC )

edit Dock New Taskbar

File:Win7 Dock.jpg

The Dock Taskbar from Mac OS X is implemented is redesigned in Windows Hitler. Microsoft brands it as "all new", but it looks like someone has done it 8 years ago.

edit Apple Logos

Apple also sued Microsoft because "Redmond started his photocopiers". Therefore, they now have a market share in Microsoft and have decided to emblazon it with Apple logos in eye-catching locations, as they do in the iTunes visualiser.

7desktop copy

Windows 7 desktop screenshot

Gamers sued Microsoft, complaining that Vista's graphics were not much of an improvement in comparison to XP's, despite the DOS Aero interface. Thus, Microsoft have now switched to a sleek graphical user interface, pictured in the exclusive screenshot below:

Microsoft says the interface is "nerd-friendly" thanks to the large taskbar and obvious start button. Note 'bhen chhod bhaynchod' is the Indian translation of 'start'; this is one of the languages featured in the Microsoft DPE or Destitute Persons' Edition, which has been labelled a "boom-take". The default DPE wallpaper is a beautiful panoramic shot of the modern Indian landscape, also shown in the screenshot.

Windows 7 still has Aero and it looks almost the same high quality glass themes like in Vista.

edit Inbuilt Games

Billy Rubin promises that the new preinstalled games will be close to reality, a notable example being "Microsoft Virtual Kitten Huffing Simulator X 2009(C)"

edit New Improved Security

Windows 7 invades your neighbor's Linux and Mac OSX systems and claims them as its own. It also puts all of those legacy Windows programs in concentration camps and refuses to let them run, forcing you to buy German versions of those programs for extra money. The German versions of those programs take control of your computer and invade the Polish and French versions of Windows 7.0 using the Internet.

German is of course, the default language, and you cannot change it. MS-Office 2009 edition has Hitler as one of the Office Assistants and he ordered the execution of the Paperclip office assistant. He yells and screams at you, and you cannot make him go away unless you buy Windows 7.0 Allies Edition but you must wait for Windows 7.0 Imperial Japan edition to bomb the Windows 7.0 USA Pearl Harbor edition before the US version of Windows 7.0 enters the fight against Windows 7.0 Hitler edition.

After a few years of fighting, Windows 7.0 Hitler edition commits suicide in the Windows bunker and it is replaced with Windows 8.0 Socialist Germany EU edition with a new technopunk soundtrack and desktop theme. [1]

Clearly Windows 7 is the Master Race version of Windows, since it is superior to all other versions of Windows, it refuses to run Windows Vista, XP, 2000 etc versions of Programs. Only the Hitler or German versions of Windows programs will be allowed to run.

You cannot power off Windows 7, as it will just power the system back on. If you try to do CTRL-ALT-DEL to remove running programs all it will do is make Hitler's eyes flash. Hitler will be watching everything you do, and yell and scream at you when you do something he does not like via the Hitler Office Assistant. Gestapo is watching you. Don't you dare to type anything here; than you would be violating the BSoD EULA and your license will be revoked! According to the long haired pope, Windows 7 is the first Windows to be both open, free software and respecting the 4 freedoms nobody gives a flyin' fuck about anyway. Also, Steve Ballmer told Uncyclopedia that Microsoft doesn't need astro-turfers anymore to influence buyable opinion sites like Wikipedia; as he believes in Microsoft's own strengths. He also told my laptop is on its way and will arrive before Christmas.

edit Windows 7 editions

According to boingboing.net Windows 7 will be shipped in about 20 editions to suit all tastes!

Windows 7 editions



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