Windows Hitler

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“Ah, Windows Hitler. After the mother of all errors and the father of all lagging, we have a fucking Vista ripoff. That's exactly what an average user needs now, yeah.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Windows Hitler.

“Damn, I thought we had them!”

~ Mark Shuttleworth on Windows Hi7ler.

“Linux does it better and Microsoft takes the credit. Topical greedy software writer.”

~ Pete the Penguin on Windows Hi7ler.

“If you put all the good things from Apple (well the one good thing) and all the good things from Microsoft (less than Apple) plus a million times more perks and less money you get the god of all OS's......Linux's Ubuntu”

~ Pete the Penquin on Windows Period

Windows 7, less popularly referred to as Windows Hitler^[1][2], is the next version of Microsoft Windows after Windows Vista currently developed and released by Mongolian OEMs. Its build number is 7000 following the Microsoft policy of "Move the Decimal Place Three Places to the Right" in order, so it is said, to make the product appear more progressed than it actually is. It is being developed by clueless Indians(they're cheaper since they're so overpopulated) because Microsoft were forced to cut their budgets after everyone sued them in the 2007 Computing Crisis.

As can be seen below, this crisis has had many implications:

Contents 1 Inbuilt Viruses 2 The new BSOD 3 Easter eggs 4 The "new" logo 5 System protection 6 "Smart" Defragmenter 7 Dock New Taskbar 8 Apple Logos 9 Vastly Improved Graphics 10 Inbuilt Games 11 New Improved Security 12 Windows 7 editions 12.1 Windows 7 vs. other operating systems 13 Lies 14 Headline text

[edit] Inbuilt Viruses

Windows Hitler boasts a wide array of inbuilt applications, notably thousands of viruses. The following excerpt is taken from a pre-production box: "Now with preinstalled worms right out of the box, Windows Hitler allows you to truly get on with your life, meaning that you no longer have to update your system's security, including keyloggers that keep your identity secure (read the terms and conditions) so that you don't have to!" Mr Billy Rubin, the inventor of Windows, reportedly made this move after he was sued by the creators of the infamous W32 Blaster. He stated in a recent interview, "It's for the best, really, because it means you will be disconnected from dial-up connections every 15 minutes, which will save pay-as-you-go customers a lot of money. It's ingenious technology!"FREE FOR ONLY WINDOWS DOSSSSS EDITION SUPER TROJAN

[edit] The new BSOD

The result of many users complaining frequent BSOD, the Microsoft Windows Developer Team came up with the idea of integrating a game inside the BSOD to help make it more attractive. This attempt failed as now all Windows 7 users try to crash the OS more often to beat yesterday's high score.

[edit] Easter eggs

By entering into run "noguibsod" you enter a special mode in which you can stop the BSOD from registering software conflicts before it's too late!

[edit] The "new" logo

The Microsoft Windows Developer Team has decided to go back to basics with the logo for Windows 7. The new logo looks strangely familiar to anyone who has been using computers since the 80's, but no one could put a finger on where it originated from. Then, finally, someone realized it was an updated version of the Windows 3.1 logo. What innovation and creativity!

[edit] System protection

To prevent users from accidentally deleting needed files previous versions of Windows would annoy the crap out of you with nagging "are you sure?" dialogs. System files and operations could be restricted to authorized users. In Windows Vista Microsoft decided to ask "are you sure?" and then ask for your permission to answer the question thus making the process more difficult to discourage the pratcice. Windows Hitler maximizes system protection by preventing anyone from ever installing any applications without a complete government background check and physical examination. Files cannot be lost in Windows Hitler because deleting files is prohibited. Attempting to click-and-drag any files will automatically produce a "copy of" said files.

[edit] "Smart" Defragmenter

Since Microsoft was sued by data recovery companies for being too stable - and thus threatening competition - Windows Hitler will mean that it is effortless for users to maintain their hard drives. Specifically, any data saved will eventually spontaneously disappear. Some critics have posed the argument that this is "barely a revolutionary idea, as it already happens in Vista 98% of the time". It will surely lose your tax data files just in time for filing them!

[edit] Dock New Taskbar

The Dock Taskbar from Mac OS X is implemented is redesigned in Windows Hitler. Microsoft brands it as "all new", but it looks like someone has done it 8 years ago.

[edit] Apple Logos

Apple also sued Microsoft because "Redmond started his photocopiers". Therefore, they now have a market share in Microsoft and have decided to emblazon it with Apple logos in eye-catching locations, as they do in the iTunes visualiser.

[edit] Vastly Improved Graphics

Gamers sued Microsoft, complaining that Vista's graphics were not much of an improvement in comparison to XP's, despite the DOS Aero interface. Thus, Microsoft have now switched to a sleek graphical user interface, pictured in the exclusive screenshot to the left.

Microsoft boasts that the interface is "n00b-friendly" thanks to the large taskbar and obvious start button. Note 'kus-ommak'is the arabic, 'bhen chhod bhaynchod' is the Indian, 'kya, kuch kha' is the urdu, translation of 'start'; this is one of the languages featured in the Microsoft DPE or Destitute Persons' Edition, which has been labelled a "piss-take". The default DPE wallpaper is a beautiful panoramic shot of the modern Indian landscape, also shown in the screenshot.

The new Windows Hitler paint is the best part of the new OS. For all that drawing we do on our computers. I have a better paint application on my phone.

[edit] Inbuilt Games

Billy Rubin promises that the new preinstalled games will be close to reality, a notable example being "Microsoft Virtual Kitten Huffing Simulator X 2009(C)"new se-sa-me st.new

new se-sa-me st2

new se-sa-me st3

new se-sa-me stxxx

[edit] New Improved Security

Windows Hitler invades your neighbor's Linux and Mac OSX systems and claims them as its own. It also puts all of those legacy Windows programs in concentration camps and refuses to let them run, forcing you to buy German versions of those programs for extra money. The German versions of those programs take control of your computer and invade the Polish and French versions of Windows 7.0 using the Internet.

German is of course, the default language, and you cannot change it. MS-Office 2009 Hitler edition has Hitler as one of the Office Assistants and he ordered the execution of the Paperclip office assistant. He yells and screams at you, and you cannot make him go away unless you buy Windows 7.0 Allies Edition but you must wait for Windows 7.0 Imperial Japan edition to bomb the Windows 7.0 USA Pearl Harbor edition before the US version of Windows 7.0 enters the fight against Windows 7.0 Hitler edition.

After a few years of trying to assassinate Windows Hitler, and fighting, Windows 7.0 Hitler edition commits suicide in the Windows bunker and it is replaced with Windows 8.0 Socialist Germany EU edition with a new technopunk soundtrack and desktop theme. ^[3]

Clearly Windows Hitler is the Master Race version of Windows, since it is superior to all other versions of Windows, it refuses to run Windows Vista, XP, 2000 etc versions of Programs. Only the Hitler or German versions of Windows programs will be allowed to run.

You cannot power off Windows Hitler, as it will just power the system back on. If you try to do CTRL-ALT-DEL to remove running programs all it will do is make Hitler's eyes flash. Hitler will be watching everything you do, and yell and scream at you when you do something he does not like via the Hitler Office Assistant. Gestapo is watching you. Don't you dare to type anything here; than you would be violating the BSoD EULA and your license will be revoked! According to the long haired pope, Windows Hitler is the first Windows to be both open, free software and respecting the 4 freedoms nobody gives a flyin' fuck about anyway. Also, Steve Ballmer told Uncyclopedia that Microsoft doesn't need astro-turfers anymore to influence buyable opinion sites like Wikipedia; as he believes in Microsoft's own strengths. He also told my laptop is on its way and will arrive before Christmas.

Liberal comic strips like Penny Arcade got bought out to promote that Windows 7 isn't as bad as expected. ^[4]

[edit] Windows 7 editions

According to boingboing.net Windows 7 will be shipped in about 20 editions to suit all tastes!

[edit] Windows 7 vs. other operating systems

See here.

[edit] Lies

1. ↑ xkcd.com/528
2. ↑ Comment on Slashdot
3. ↑ http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=1106489&cid=26633929 Another Slashdot Comment
4. ↑ http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/10/30/ Penny Arcade sells their souls to Microsoft

[edit] Headline text