Winchester, New Hampshire

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People's Republic of Winchester

One of about 4 signs along one road that proves that you are, in fact, in Winchester...and probably never leaving.

Official languages NASCAR
Motto: Bring Beer!
Government: Alcoholics Anonymous
Religion God pissed on my life
Exports Smokes, Beer, Cheap hookers
Imports Massholes, Leaf Peepers
Town song I Shaved My Legs For This? — Shania Twain
Natural Resources Wood, Woods, Wood, Beer, Trailers

Winchester is a town in Cheshire County, New Hampshire, United States. The population was 4,144 at the 2000 census, not including various types of moose, beaver and other wildlife which frequently wanders through the town. The primary settlement in the town, where over 44% of the population resides, is defined by the U.S. Census Bureau as a unsafe for human settlement and is located at the intersection of New Hampshire Routes 10, 119, and 78. The town of Winchester includes the village of Ashuelot and part of Pissah State Park.

edit History

The history of Winchester begins only a few years ago, when a large cohort of apes escaped from a Boston zoo, fled into a chemical pool in southern New Hampshire, and suddenly evolved into semi-human beings. They all eventually claimed territory in the southwestern corner of New Hampshire, and named it Winchester in memory of the principal tool used in the unsuccessful effort to thwart their claim.

After the first settlement was established, God looked down upon it and saw that it was bad. It was so bad, that he decided to flood them all. This is what the Bible refers to as the great flood. (It did not cover the world, but it did a major number on Winchester.) He sent down high waters on the townspeople, and the whole of the town was underwater within minutes. Unbeknownst to Him, a few residents were in the hills, hunting turkeys and whistling the tunes of country songs. They suffered no greater harm than charring beneath their heads, and are thus called "rednecks."

These few remaining people settled in a new area...three miles away near the Trashuelot River, and so populated it with various forms of Rednecks (i.e. White Trash, Trailorpeople, Budweisers). To this day, every man and woman in the town can trace their roots back to the original people.

edit Recreation

Newcomers to Winchester, or folks just passing through, can amuse themselves in many different ways:

  • Stop by the local convenient store and pick up a pack of the ol' Bud.
  • Smoke on a corner, and converse with the local Main Streeters.
  • Fish in the Trashuelot River (prizes are given for finding a fish with the most eyes).
  • Take some time to look at the foliage, and then spit at it.

edit Pickle Festival

At the annual Pickle Festival, every townie comes out to worship this green object and to submit his soul to the Pickle God. Lots of other people come to, including Massholes, who are usually ignored or tied to the back of pickups and dragged down Main Street.

Those who have seen this strange event claim that the Pickle may even be a religious icon for Winchester. On midnight of the Pickle Fest, the locals dress in green, build a lifelike Pickle, and throw it in the Trashuelot River as an act of cleansing. Others say, that they're just drunk and have nothing better to do than build a massive pickle and throw it somewhere. Traces of the pickle are seen every year floating down the river toward Keene.

edit Development

The future for Winchester looks bright as a whole slew of businesses are considering posting stores in the area. These include, but are not limited to

  • Porn n' Chicken Restraunt and Moviehouse
  • Trailers R' Us
  • Our Trailers R' Better
  • Trashland (an amusement park)

Also in the making is a new park for the children, now free of heroin needles and broken beer bottles.

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