Willy Wonka
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Willy Wonka is really a superb fantastical being (and also a child rapist, which explains why he lets little boys into his factory. This is what the golden tickets were really for). He is able to fake dead, just long enough to scare people, turn a kid into a blue berry, and still have enough energy to displine Charlie for drinking to much soda pop. This man is a genious and a great father..............wait in the movie's he comes across as more of a virgin....anyways, many people age 30+ are still fascinated that he hasn't got some yet. Willy Wonka is described to by many to be satanic. He loves collapse of order and governments. He has many run-ins with the law, but always bailed out because he is rich!
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[edit] Life of Wonka
Born in Norway, 1843, Willy Wonka was the son of an evil dentist/Sith Lord/Pope, Count Dooku, who was forced to raise him as a single parent; the mother could never be determined if she should commit suicide or go on living with a job at Hooters. This single parenthood lifestyle made it hard for Dooku to make ends meet, and thus he had to take on a second job as a evil Sith Lord. This brought little Willy into contact with the object of the first of his many patents - the Force donut. The vast amount of money that the patenting of the donut brought in allowed Willy to get the finest education that the 1850's had to offer - a diploma from the sixed sigzed smeventh seventh grade.
After graduation from the seventh grade, Wonka soon became mentally unstable after being tortured by his father's force lightning. Because of a newfound love for Cartogami, he decided to travel the world. Paris- "Dreadful." Rome- "Frightfully dull." Vienna- "Nothing but a bunch of silly sods." Detroit- "EGADS!" It seemed that nowhere could satisfy the itching of his feet. That is, until he arrived in Loompaland. Loompaland, one of nature's most marvelous creations -- containing lush valleys, soaring mountains, vast fertile plains, innumerable herds of beyonces, snozzwangers, n00bs, whangdoodles effortlessly gliding through the stratosphere, and tribe after tribe of friendly and generous Oompa Loompas living in serious Debt with their neighbors (the shoop da loops) after they burned down their town after a new years party (the chief got seriously drunk on orange juice and kamikazied through a camp fire and straight onto a house. They hate nature. When confronted with such a boundless Eden of natural beauty and wonder, he did what any industrial capitalist worth his salts would do: pillage, rape, despoil, shackle and enslave everyone and everything humanly possible as far as his beady little dollar-sign filled eyes could see. After draining Loompaland dry, Wonka took the now starving Oompa Loompas under his protective wing as part of an extensive PR campaign - and they made great cheap labor!
Due to a freak accident during the initial testing phases of Wonka-VITE, Wonka was turned into a female for a period of three years. It was during that time that Willy Wilma met and had his her torrid love affair with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Willy Wilma soon became pregnant, thereafter giving birth to the greatest man ever known - Oscar Wilde!
In 1940 Willy Wonka collaborated (had intercourse) with Willy Wanker in developing the blueprints of the M-Class bombers which decimated London during the blitz.
Willy Wonka has subsequently been spotted all over the world and has frequently been to Your Mom's womb. For more information see Cardiff.
[edit] Slave labour
Willy Wonka is perhaps best known not only for his chocolate but also his loyal work force the Oompah loompahs however a govenment raid in 1995 revealed the truth. Wonka had been paying said Oompah Loompahs one malteser a year and had regularly been painting them due to his prolific racism. It must be noted however that one malteser a year is the minimum wage in several parts of mongolia and therefore the Oompah Loompahs would have been used to this treatment.
[edit] Global affects
Willy Wonka Stated at his last Kill the starving children campaign that he has not plans to got Carbon Neutral, When asked why he said "fuck the planet i'll fuck it up if i want to" His factory spews out 14236 tons of CO2 Every 2.56 days, especially when he lures girls into his 'garbage chute'. After Willy Wonka was named and shamed for his diregard for the planet he redeemed himself by inventing an alternate engergy source he was quoted as saying 'why burn coal, when there's so many fat kids going to waste. This revolutionary idea earneed Wonka both the nobel prize and best newcomer at the MTV EMA music awards.
[edit] Biographical Works
An exposé documentary: Charlie And The Wonky Willy Chocolate Cock Factory, with re-creations of Wonka's depravity enacted by Gene Wilder (best known as author of the classic play Our Town), was released in 1971. It was very wonky. In 1984, Wonka's chocolate factory was investigated by the Neo-American CIA, and a large subterranean cavern was found with large quantities of Orange Paint, brushes, several cages, dozens of FDA violations, and approximately 200 kilograms of cocaine. It is presumed that this is where midgets of all races met with Wonka's Equal Opportunity Employer Policy. Wonka himself has never been available to comment on this practice, but has come forward to discourse with the Press on a variety of topics, including poetry, government, Freud, and the most effective use of a Wooden Spoon.
According to the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Wonka was a rich, eccentric, and lonely single man tired of ruling his chocolate empire who decided to retire and let somebody else take care of his bussiness. To do this, he established a contest to choose a chocolate Padawan to take his place. Eventually a young chap named Charlie Bucket is chosen as his one true successor and the sexiest kid of his dreams. He is officially the greatest pedophile that ever lived. At the very end of the movie, everyone dies as the Neo-American Army preforms an air-strike. However, that was not originally part of the plot. Willy got out via the magical glass escape-pod.
In the film he was said to have read such lines such as Come in to my room little one. and do you want to see my massive blue gobstoppers. Also said Who fancies a chocolate bananna to insert in to your mouths!
[edit] Great Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000
In the year 2000 there was an uprising among the Oompah Loopahs enslaved in Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory. The Revolt was led by Ben Berrios, one of the foremost Oompah Loompah assassins trained by Wonka himself. The revolt was only semi-successful as Ben Berrios was only able to gain the freedom of between 25 and 50 Oompah Loompahs. Willy Wonka employed a wide variety of weapons during this revolt, including the infamous King Tiger Tank. It is reported that Willy Wonka has been sending Wangdoodles after the escaped Oompah Loompahs as they can eat 10 of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. Ben Berrios is still at large and plans to unleash "The Great Oompahloompahpalooza" on an unsuspecting populace.
[edit] How to Find a Golden Ticket
Golden tickets can be found by fat people that eat too much chocolate, in an opposing team’s flag, or by making your own. You can also get Golden tickets by doing trannies and Sharon Osbourne. The best way to obtain a ticket is simply to be rich and hire other people to do it. If you need money, simply rob a bank or kill the Queen of England. Many artists have been shown sporting Golden tickets and when asked of their success they stated "paint your average tickets gold and the chocolate you earn will paint your bellies brown".
[edit] Willy Wonka's Patents
[edit] Willy Wonka's Candy
- Necco Communion Wafers
- Cillit Bang
- Sea-Salt Ice Cream
- Laffy Taffy
- LSD
- Everlasting Gobstopper - You can suck it and suck it and it never gets any smaller. True for many things.
- Chocolate covered Evil Pizza slices
- Wil Wheaton wax mustaches
- Dole Apple Jumble
- Cocaine Cola
- Pot-Pops
- I Can't Believe It's Not Semen!
- 'Roids
- Nerd's noose
- evrlasting umpa lumpa's
- Aids
- H1N1
[edit] Other Patents
- Wonka-VITE - The greatest treatment for erectile dysfunction known to man. Just one dose allows an average human male to sustain an erection non-stop for twenty years. After Wonka-VITE hit the shelves , a massive (16 - 39, to be exact) number of cheap imitations quickly sprung up and penetrated the market, such as Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and porn.
- Orange Paint - An orange body paint used exclusively on his Oompa Loompas. The body paint, although highly toxic, proved to be an excellent way of locating and capturing escapees.
- Jesus' ol' fashioned basket o' endless bread n' fish - Considered by some to be Wonka's greatest invention, although most others disagree because they don't want to be labeled as Christian, Wonka managed to replicate the basket original jesus used to feed 50 ewoks. The basket ended up eating Wonka's soul in 1954. It is currently used as a prize on the hit game-show Meal or No Meal.
- The Great Glass Wonkavator - An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways and squareways and frontways and zigways and zagways and crossways and thisways and thatways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in Wonka's whole factory just by pressing one of the buttons. Any of the buttons. Just press a button and ZING! You're off. Wonka likes to use the Wonkavator to play pranks, set up elaborate traps, appear at the other side of the room while the person he is talking to is turning around to the other direction, and other things while he is bored.
[edit] See also
HowTo: Go to Work on Drugs - Part 1
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