William Shatner

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William Shatner Wired

The elegant, exuberant, extravagant, and chiseled William Shatner.

“I find myself to be somewhat of a elegant, exuberant, extravagant,...chiseled man, and quite a humble one at that.”
~ William Shatner on himself

William Shatner, born to Joseph Shatner and came out of Anne Garmaise. His various thirst for fleeting experiences led him to become a famous actor, a substantial singer, ...praised author, ...godly producer, ...exceptional di-rec-tor, champion spokesman, and side-split-tingly hilarious comedian. This humble man was born in Notre-Dame-de-Grâce, Quebec, Canada, which is why he can not win a presidential election in the United States. (see: laws) However, the extremely graceful 84 year old has done quite the good works in his day. His humble accounts are listed below.

edit Early Life


Shatner, as you can see, was too young for the math geniuses at the IRS to figure out how much to tax his ass, specifically his ass.

Shatner was an exception to the rule every where he went. When his introversion broke away, and his extroversion olive oil showed through, he began to make a eloquent and humbled man out of himself. Occasionally as he walked through school, his majestic figure would clearly stand out among the crowd of scraggly brown beards. When his parents moved to america, the stunning man followed. As World War Two broke out, he would watch on TV the battles of the war. At one moment, Shatner said, "That man's life is fleeting", as he pointed to a solider being killed on the field of action. His parents clapped and cheered for him and threw a parade for him (because a young Shatner at this time did not have the muscle mass to throw a parade), as he knew this word that apparently no one else knew.

This earned him an acting career, simply because this man (who hadn't even finished dominating his 8th grade year), was such a great actor (pointing at TV and saying something weird is how you become famous, (see: Billy Joel)). Walking out the door to earn a living at age 14, Shatner had to return home because the IRS did not have a calculation as to how much money a 14 year old should be robbed of should be taxed on there income. (see: Income tax)

edit Career

Nazi Kirk dressed in Nazi attire

Shatner in his disguise so he could kill Hitler.

William Shatner was a instant success at first until the jealous, conniving, maniacal producer threw a wrench in the works. Nero Wolfe, a to-be-successful TV show of which CBS had to abort due to the director, Adolf Hitler, almost killed Shatner. William Shatner then time traveled around a sun, killed Adolf Hitler, and then returned to the future, of which in his place was JJ Abrams. This helped his career, but not CBS, as once more they had another idiot on there hands to direct shows, such as The Intruder, The Explosive Generation, TJ's Hookers, and $h*! My Dad Says (of which was basically a reality TV show featuring Shatners every day life, since his dad couldn't say shit because he was a hardcore jew).

TJs Hookers

One of TJ's many hookers.

However, in a frantic dash to save the company, the intelligent, insightful, aristocratic, and honorable Shatner suggested that Gene Roddenberry be brought in to save the station. Quickly, Star Trek was drafted. Shatner then helped Roddenberry pitch the idea by using his superior advanced lexicon of gigantic proportions and his natural talent to interject many adjectives that not even the most educated people use persuasive technique in order to make the show stick.

Star trek with shatner

Damn it there is already a caption!

Bringing in many actors like Leonard Nimoy, Charles Bronson, and Billy Mays for marketing, they kick-ass team of strong......bold.......humble.....and intuitive men undertook and produced "Star Trek", which featured William Shatner as the man of the hour, day, week, minute, year, second, and century. This was the beginning of his actual career, as he did nothing more than plow down the field of insignificant, incapable, inferior actors in order to achieve his goal of being quite the actor. His role as James T. Kirk made him both a legend and a role model for both actors, basement-dwellings fans, and Star fleet Academy students and graduates alike.

edit Family and Future

edit Family

William Shatners family life has been one of obscurity.....mystery.....and intrigue. His parents, of whom both contributed there DNA, created him. His grandparents were from Austria, Poland, Hungary, and Ukraine, and his family believed in Conservative Judaism. Anyone with the odds mounted this heavily against them usually end up committing suicide, but not William Shatner. He was able to transform himself into a courageous...honorable...intelligent...prodigal...humbled actor. He hit puberty at age 9, which explains why he was prepared for his epic and daring TV pointing skill.

Shatner was married to four different women in his life, all of which were nothing but the most extravagant, endearing, and best people known to man. Gloria Rand, Marcy Lafferty Shatner, Nerine Kidd-Shatner, and currently Elizabeth Martin, all have been his partners at one point or another. His radiant offspring: Leslie, Lisabeth, and Melanie, all are the absolutely best children William Shatner could ever wish for. Unfortunately, his future has been corrupted by scandal.

Kirk Scandel


edit Future

The future for William Shatner involves his inner jew coming out to make some serious money, of which could tarnish his extravagant, honorable, and humble career. Shatner sold his kidney stones for $25,000, of which he used that money to pay for treatment of all the STD's that he received while playing Captain Kirk help out a charity named Habitat for Humanity. However, controversy arose when a Vulcan moved into the home. Since Vulcans obviously are not Humans, riots erupted all over the world, asking why the hell Shatner would be such a self-ritous prick again pressuring the UN into asking the Vulcan to leave, of which he did. However the controversy spoiled the reputation of Mr. Shatner, of who then had quite a uphill battle ahead of him in order to fight back against the Klingon Empire the dishonorable......scandalous....idiotic shaming event. Picking himself up, he went ahead and took up horse riding, of which was quite the change for him. Opening a underground betting league for horse races, he used his Jew-skills in order to make millions off of the illegal ring. With the public knowing that it was a load of bullshit little about it, Shatner walked away clean, and passed of the business to Bernie Madoff, of which couldn't fill the shoes Shatner had (because Shatner had gained some weight), and tripped and fell into the lap of the Head of the FBI, and the rest is history.


I screwed them over! I fooled them all! Hahaha! I am so humble!

edit Memorable quotes from William Shatner

"I don't read reviews, I write them, about myself." - William Shatner on illustrious reviews

"Exercise? A Jew doesn't exercise." - William Shatner on excersise

"Although I'm a business major out of McGill University, I know nothing... but then I found out much later in life, nobody knows anything...except me." - William Shatner on education

"I can't stand the gossip of celebrities' lives, all the time! Every minute! Except my own!" - William Shatner on Hollywood

"I am humble." - William Shatner on LSD

"We were basically the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of course, I am perfect, and reserved too." - William Shatner on self fallibility

"Captain Kirk never burped out his lines, nor did he simply SPEAK! as IF! Every! Other! SYLIable! WAS! of DIRE! ImPORTance! THAT is my job!" - William Shatner on being dramatic again

"I don't want people to know me. I want them to believe my version." - William Shatner on the truth

"I never used stunt doubles in love scenes, I always insist on doing those myself." - William Shatner on stunt doubles

"There aren't enough pictures of me in this article, but I guess these will do." - William Shatner on narcissism

edit See also

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