William Riker
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“No one fucks with William T. Riker. Well... no man, I mean.”
“No man, eh? You haven't seen what he does with Worf...”
“I didn't want to know that...”
“He's strangely familiar.”
William T. Riker is a 6-foot-4 Human from planet Earth, Sector 001. He is best known for his troubled Starfleet career, his beard (god, his beard...), his enthusiasm for trombone and women, and later his activities as a political lobbyist.
Plus the fact that he's fucked everyone in the galaxy. Except for Gul Dukat, but who actually WANTS to fuck that looney?
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[edit] Early years
Born in Alaska in 2335, Riker had little formal education until he moved to Los Angeles in 2348. Graduating from The School of Hard Knocks, he received a scholarship to Starfleet Academy where he excelled in seduction, jumping to conclusions, and being stand-offish. He was voted most likely to be cloned in a freak transporter accident, and perpetually holds his head at a 94-degree angle. Riker graduated Starfleet Academy with a degree in Unconventional Command Techniques and Sleeping Around 101, his marks falling just under those of James T. Kirk. Many have speculated that this is the result of having the same middle initial, "T".
[edit] Early Starfleet career
Riker languished in mediocre postings until he was assigned to the USS Pretty Woman as busboy/acting-chef. During a mission to evacuate colonists who had done something really really stupid to their planet... again, terrorists took control of the Pretty Woman. Although all security officers had been captured or killed, Riker managed to hide in the kitchens and later went on to lead a one-man mission to regain control of the ship, armed only with a ladel. Using the classic Seagal Strategum, he was able to eliminate the terrorists through a mix of martial arts and extremely tedious monologues. Worf was impressed, but would only admit to it much later. After he'd recovered from the spinal injury sustained when the terrorists owned him effortlessly.
Starfleet command recognised that his abilities went beyond mere sauce preparation, and instated him as First Officer aboard the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) under the command of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, a frenchman who sounded and acted exactly like a Yorkshireman for reasons not disclosed.
[edit] First Officer of the Enterprise
Riker excelled in his new role aboard the Enterprise, and despite the fact that his French captain didn't sound very French at all, he was able to safely put this out of his mind and get on with his life. In a freak accident during his first week, he was demoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander without probation for tripping over his own feet and activating the ship's super-secret auto-destruct device, which was then later deactivated by Geordie LaForge using a piece of string, a method suggested by that annoying little shit, Wesley Crusher. The gold uniforms looked garish on Riker, and he spent the next three months binge-drinking and painting horrible art. Well, we call it horrible. It was actually beautiful ('beautiful' in this case meaning 'images of Wesley Crusher being brutally killed in increasingly horrific ways').
After his razor was vaporized by another freak deep space tachyon wave, his beard grew in, and he was promoted back to commander for sheer charisma and bad-assery. Plus he bribed his way in by fucking everyone on the bridge. He spent most of his time as first officer maintaining a 'will they or won't they?' relationship with the ship's counsellor, Deanna Troi, the only person in the universe that Riker doesn't try and fuck like an animal. When the Enterprise was destroyed in a parking accident, courtesy of Deanna, Riker was assigned along with most of the crew to the newly built USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-E). Riker has vowed never again to give her the keys to his ride.
Despite having far more hair than Picard, he remained in the position of First Officer. He also has more back hair then all the other male crew members combined, and was once mistaken for Bigfoot when skinny dipping on a primitive planet, thus breaking the prime directive by causing the locals to both worship him and hunt his now highly-prized pelt. Worf was not impressed, but would only admit to it much later. After the primitive locals owned him in a fight by throwing little stones at his back, which broke it and sent him to sick bay for the remainder of the episode.
[edit] Relationship with Deanna Troi
For a time, Riker and Troi attempted a relationship, briefly slipping into a "that couple" role amongst the Enterprise crew. However, their relationship was tentatively put on hold after Riker slept with a Bajoran bagel-merchant on Risa. Troi was, at that time, focusing on her career in Psychotherapy, and could tell he was bored anyways because of the whole empath thing. That and she'd heard the gossip around the ship that Riker had fucked everyone except for Troi the previous night. Yes, they have night and day on the Enterprise. Come on, it's a human-run ship. What did you expect them to have? 56 hours of constant night-time?
The long nights drinking whiskey and wailing on the trombone alone in his quarters for weeks on end were becoming more and more virulent in nature. This period ended up becoming a cold turkey situation, as Riker was showing signs of sex withdrawal (since he'd done so much of it). He considered shaving his beard. He began spending more and more time in the holodeck playing Max Payne, and eventually he reached a breaking point. Cleaning up his act and his quarters and recovering from an operation he had to have on his groin (because 'breaking point' wasn't metaphorical...), he asked Deanna to marry him. She agreed, as long as he promised to keep the trombone playing before 11:00, and to never die, ever. Oh, and not to fuck anyone else, but she quickly realised that Riker was never gonna keep to that one.
[edit] Diplomacy
During a mission to Romulus, a high-ranking Romulan official commented on Picard's British accent. Realising the damage that this could do Romulan/Federation ties, Riker quickly explained that the captain is French but had lost his accent in a transporter accident. Satisfied with this explanation, the Romulans promised to be nicer in future. Riker then drop-kicked the Romulan in the balls. Then he fucked the Romulan, as is expected from Riker. The rest of the crew applauded in the name of diplomacy, except for Data, who didn't understand. Until the, uh, white cream came...
Rikers quick thinking resulted in Starfleet Command awarding him the captaincy of U.S.S Titan - a deep-space casino station. With Riker gone, Picard resorted to communicating through mime in order to conceal his accent. This resulted in the now infamous Gerard 447 incident, in which some three-thousand people died in a subspace anomaly created by the ship's Warp Field. Picard was unavailable for comment, as he appeared to be struggling to walk in high wind, which later pulled his invisible umbrella inside-out. Worf was not impressed, although admitted to being only slightly impressed much later on. After he'd been owned by that umbrella.
[edit] USS Titan and scandal
Riker enjoyed a successful career on the Titan, indulging in his love for both jazz and the sex trade. An intern came forward with an allegation that would effectively end his Starfleet career, as well as his on-again, off-again marriage to Troi. The intern alleged that he had pressured her in to blowing his horn - a claim that led to his being stripped of his command and beard. He and Troi did not speak for four months, during which Worf hit it. After the intern had owned him in an unconnected fight.
The court of appeal accepted that he had not dishonourably discharged himself into the intern, but his reputation never recovered. He retired from Starfleet and joined the Washington lobbyist Commander Data. Troi later returned to Betazed to host a popular daytime television chat show, "Good Morning Betazed". Initially the most popular TV show on the planet, it later became controversial and unpopular following racist allegations from Troi directed to a Ferengi guest on the programme. Since that watershed moment of daytime TV, Troi has been villified by all liberals looking for someone to blame (you know, since George Bush was dead...).
[edit] Political affiliations and views
Riker has worked extensively with the Democratic Party but his views place him in the centre of American politics.
- The right of woman to chose abortion
- The right to bear phasers, although he has lobbied for a 16 day waiting period for phaser rifles, and a two-week wait for tachyon-based weapons
- He is pro-polygamy, himself having 16 wives, however they each reside in a different sector of the galaxy and are all unaware of each others existence
- Immigration reform and the offering of amnesty to illegal Bajoran workers. This position has gained him a lot of support in the fruit producing states
- Reform of the temporal prime directive
Riker has campaigned heavily for the right of people to travel back in time to laugh at the olden-days. He was instrumental in drafting the now infamous "Lets go poke fun at the puritans" bill which was voted down, but elements of which were incorporated in to the "Okay, we won't say anything nasty about them but we can't help it if they wear funny hats" bill.
On a related note, Riker is in fact his own grandfather by nature of the same time-space anomaly.
[edit] He had sex with a what??
The Riker Clause was added to the Prime Directive, ruling that sexual intercourse with aliens could not be considered a breach of the directive. This replaced the Kirk Clause which actively encouraged sexual relations with green dancing girls, while frowning upon wookie sex due to various issues with back-breaking as well as the unfortunate fanfic featuring Worf and Chewbacca (you can do the rest - and it probably exists somewhere on the 'net, unfortunately). Riker promptly took advantage of this change by traveling to Algrin 4 to stuff small mammals down his pants. Worf was not impressed, but Jadzia Dax was. The small mammals subsequently owned Worf as Jadzia (the only person who hadn't fucked Riker) enjoyed blowing Riker's trombone. That was, until it leaked, and she spent two days cleaning it.
[edit] Death
Riker died of AIDs in an unspecified year.
Well, what other death did you expect? Come on, this is Uncyclopedia - you gotta stick the AIDs joke in there somewhere...
[edit] Quotes
“Time travel!”
“You're drunk!”
“What's a computer generated gin-joint like you doing in a girl like this?”
“What the hell is going on???”
[edit] Reasons why Riker is better than Kirk
1. He has a beard thats almost as awesome as Captain Janeway's Bun, Kirk doesn't have a beard.
2. Women WANT to have sex with him.
3. He is Number 1.
3. He hooked up with so many different kinds of alien chicks in almost every episode, Kirk just hooked up with that blonde Red Shirt (which later died), a green alien chick, and some whale loving hippy from San Francisco. Riker's >9000 alien chicks to Kirk's 3 human chicks.
4. Two words: Riker Manoeuvre.
