William Lane Craig

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[[File:Pwncraig.jpg|thumb|William Lane Craig, seen here relishing that no one called bullshit on one of his arguments. ]]
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[[File:Pwncraig.jpg|thumb|William Lane Craig, seen here relishing that neither his opponent nor the audience understood any of his arguments. Victory will soon be his.]]
{{q|I've got it bad. I've got it bad. I've got it bad. I'm hot for Jesus.|William Lane Craig on being a Christian David Lee Roth impersonator}}
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{{q|If I had known there were that many good arguments for my existence, I would have put some in the Bible! Damn, my bad!|God on the arguments of William Lane Craig}}
{{q|I think this guy works too hard to prove God's existence. All the proof you need is the perfection of Scarlett Johansson's ass, proving once again the superiority of empiricism.|David Hume on sarcasm}}
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{{q|I think this guy works too hard to prove God's existence. All the proof you need is the perfection of Scarlett Johansson's arse - proving once again the superiority of empiricism.|David Hume on sarcasm}}
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{wikipedia}}
'''William Lane Craig''' is an analytic philosopher and a [[Idiots|Christian apologist]]. A Christian apologist is someone who dedicates his intellectual life to making Christianity seem reasonable. Craig uses his debating skills to show that the best explanation for the creation of the universe is that it was created by an all-powerful mind, which created the universe with the purpose of having a loving relationship with creatures that are infinitely dumber than it and populate a miniscule percentage of the universe. Furthermore, the most plausible position holds that, about 2000 years ago, the mind manifested itself into one of these creatures, who then taught about love and tossed around a few merchant tables, before getting executed by angry Romans. The joke, however, was on them, as he rose from the dead, showboated a little, and then went back to his dad (who was also himself) so he could chill until the day he’d comeback to judge everyone. Upon on losing to Craig, most opponents still don’t believe in [[God]], but no longer believe in the art of debate.
 
   
==Bio and Conversion==
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'''William Lane Craig''' is an analytic philosopher and a [[Idiots|Christian apologist]]. A Christian apologist is someone who dedicates his intellectual life to making Christianity seem reasonable. Craig uses his superb debating skills to show that the most logical explanation for the creation of the universe is that it was created by an all-powerful mind, which created the universe for the purpose of having a loving relationship with creatures that are infinitely dumber than it and populate a minuscule percentage of the [[universe]]. Furthermore, the most plausible position holds that about 2000 years ago, the mind manifested itself into one of these creatures, who then taught about [[love]] and talked smack about tax collectors before getting executed by angry [[Rome|Romans]]. Being all-powerful, however, he rose from the dead, showboated a little, and then went back to his dad so he could chill until the day he’d comeback to judge everyone. Upon losing to Craig, most atheists still don’t believe in [[God]], but no longer believe in the art of debate.
[[File:Hitch.jpg|thumb|Usually a happy drunk, Hitchens was enraged when Craig unexpectedly appeared in his bathroom and started articulating the Cosmological Argument. ]]
 
   
Craig was not always a believer. During his childhood and up until his late teens, Craig was an [[atheism|atheist]] and a chronic pot smoker. According to his own testimony, Craig became a believer when he looked inside his own heart and saw only darkness and selfishness . He felt the wrongness of this, and therefore it was only logical that there was an all loving mind that actually had a purpose for Craig. Once he realized this, he of course stopped smoke…actually he never did stop smoking. In fact, his debate with [[Christopher Hitchens]] marked the first official, non-dormitory room debate in which one participant was totally baked (Craig) and one was totally drunk (Hitchens). Craig likes to point out that smoking pot is not antithetical to being a Christian apologist, since its much easier to believe when you’re high.
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==Biography and Conversion==
  +
[[File:Hitch.jpg|thumb|Usually a happy drunk, Hitchens was enraged when Craig suddenly appeared in his bathroom and started arguing how it was impossible for something to come from nothing.]]
   
==Craig’s philosophical arguments==
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Craig was not always a believer. During his childhood and up until his late teens, Craig was an [[atheism|atheist]] and a chronic pot smoker. According to his own testimony, Craig became a believer after he looked inside his own heart and saw only darkness and selfishness. In his despair, Craig started to piss on himself, but because he was in a deranged psychological state, he confused the warm feeling for the witnessing of the Holy Spirit. He became "born-again" and immediately stopped smo… well, actually he never did stop smoking. In fact, his debate with [[Christopher Hitchens]] marked the first official, non-dormitory room debate in which one participant was totally baked (Craig) and one was totally drunk (Hitchens). Craig likes to point out that smoking pot is not antithetical to being a Christian apologist, since it's much easier to believe when you’re [[Marijuana|high]].
   
Since most people aren’t constantly high, Craig has to come up with arguments to defend the faith form normal people sayin' it's stupid . The following are three outlines of Craig's arguments for the existence of God and their objections. Warning: The following may be offensive to those who value logic.
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==Craig’s Philosophical Arguments==
[[File:AAshaq.jpg|thumb|left|The Kazzam Cosmological Argument proves the universe has a cause. But is the cause God, or is it...Shaquille O'Neal?!!!]]
 
===The Kazam Cosmological Argument===
 
   
1. Everything with a beginning has a cause
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Since most people aren’t constantly high, Craig has to come up with arguments to defend the faith from normal people sayin' it's stupid. The following are three outlines of Craig's arguments for the [[existence]] of God and their objections. Warning: The following may be offensive to those who value logic.
  +
[[File:AAshaq.jpg|thumb|left|The Kazaam Cosmological Argument proves the universe has a cause. But is the cause God, or is it...Shaquille O'Neal?!!!]]
  +
===The Kazaam Cosmological Argument===
   
2. The universe had a beginning
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#Everything with a beginning has a cause.
  +
#The universe had a beginning.
  +
#Therefore, the universe must have had a cause.
  +
#Therefore, [[Jesus|Jesus]] is the way, the truth, and the light.
   
3. Therefore the universe must have had a cause
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The problem with this argument is that the cause of the universe is more likely to be [[Shaq|Shaquille O’Neal]] than Craig’s Christian God. This is true because of the metaphysical absurdities that arise with a substance dualist account of the mind. Also, Shaq is so awesome - how could he have NOT created the universe?
 
4. Therefore Jesus is the way the truth and the light
 
 
The problem with this argument is that the cause of the universe is more likely to be [[Shaquille O’Neal]] than Craig’s Christian God. This is true because of the lack of evidence for a substance dualist account of the mind and also because Shaq is so awesome how could he have NOT created the universe.
 
   
 
===The Teleological or Design Argument===
 
===The Teleological or Design Argument===
[[File:Aatsnami.jpg|thumb|Clearly, the world has been fine tuned for life.]]
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[[File:Aatsnami.jpg|thumb|Clearly, the world has been fine-tuned for life.]]
{{q|Dude like look around. Everything is like totally orderly. There’s like constants and shit. There are physical laws that are like never broken…except when Jesus decides to break them, of course. It's like the universe was created by some dude who was,like, really smart. There’s no way this could be random, dude. There’s just no fuckin' way|William Lane Craig as a pot smoking undergrad}}
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{{q|Dude, like, look around. Everything is like, totally orderly. There’s like, constants and shit. There are physical laws that are, like, never broken except when Jesus decides to break them of course; but it's like the universe was created by some dude who was, like, really smart. There’s no way this could be random, dude. There’s just no fuckin' way.|William Lane Craig as a pot-smoking undergrad}}
   
In this case, the Shaq objection can once again be used to undermine the argument, however, most philosphers today believe the universe was neither designed by Shaq, nor God, nor any other being. The main reason is the existence of the male nipple. Outside of some kinky uses, the male nipple seems to lack any purpose, though some long ones can be used as a poor man's hanger.
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In this case, the Shaq objection can once again be used to undermine the argument; however, most philosophers don't believe that the universe was designed at all. The primary reason is the existence of the male [[nipple]]. Outside of some kinky uses, the male nipple seems to lack any purpose, though some long ones can be used as a poor man's hanger.
   
 
===The Objective Moral Values Argument===
 
===The Objective Moral Values Argument===
   
1. If there are objective moral values, then God exists.
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#If God does not exist, then objective moral values do not exist.
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#Objective moral values exist.
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#Therefore, God exists.
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#Therefore, [[Westboro Baptist Church|stone gays]].
   
2. There are objective moral values
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The problem clearly avoids the [[Shaquille O'Neal|Shaq]] objection, since his free-throw shooting is an affront to all that is decent. However, it runs into another problem: the problem of being wrong. John Leslie Mackie irrefutably disproved the existence of objective moral values with his “Argument from Queerness” in 1977: Moral statements, if they were true, would refer to objects that would have some sort of intrinsic normative property about them - a quality that renders them most certainly implausible. Thus, just as theology is a study without a subject, so too is ethics.
   
3. Therefore God exists
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Mackie himself backtracked from this theory after he was kidnapped by Peter Singer, who then tied him up and repeatedly kicked him in the balls while yelling “What’s the matter, John? I’m not doing anything ''[[Evil|wrong]],'' am I?" Mackie’s inability to withstand Singer’s righteous ball kicking, however, does nothing to refute his mathematical disproof of objective moral values. Try again, Dr. Craig!
   
4. Therefore stone gays
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===Older Abandoned Arguments===
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[[File:Leee_orth.jpg|thumb|During the 80's, the only difference between William Craig and David Lee Roth was that one got laid every night and the other sang for Van Halen.]]
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During the early 80’s Craig stinted as a lead singer for a Van Halen cover band. During this time he published arguments establishing the divinity of Van Halen. The following is the Eddie Van Halen Ontological Argument:
   
This argument is able to avoid the Shaq objection,(since his free throw shooting is an affront to all that is decent), however, it runs into another problem: the problem of being wrong. First, it is virtually certain that there are no objective moral values. The popularity of [[furry|fury porn]] proves that not all humans have a universal moral compass. Secondly, even if there were objective moral values these would not show God exists, but merely that Plato may have been right in believing that there is an objective, perfect form of everything (called the Platonic form) including morality, justice, and tits. The idea , however, is also problematic since there is in fact no such thing as the perfect tit ( some dudes like it floppy, others like it firm). Thus, objectivity and morality do not go well togethor.
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#God is the one of which no greater can be conceived.
*("Perfect Tits Argument" first published by David Hume ).
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#God is the one who plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived.
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#Eddie Van Halen plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived.
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#Therefore, Eddie Van Halen is God.
   
==Van Halen Apologetics==
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After Eddie Van Halen started playing keyboard on the "1984" album, Craig recanted such arguments calling Eddie "a sellout, not God." Craig believes that Slash, formerly from [[Axl Rose|Guns n' Roses]], may be the second coming of Christ, but he has not yet published any arguments making the case.
[[File:Leee_orth.jpg|thumb|During the 80's, the only difference between William Craig and David Lee Roth was that one got laid every night and the other sang for Van Halen.]]
 
During the early 80’s Craig stinted as a lead singer for a Van Halen cover band. During this time he published arguments establishing the divinity of Van Halen. The following is the Eddie Van Halen Ontological Argument
 
   
1. God is the one of whom no greater can be conceived
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==ReasonableFaith.org Questions and Answers==
   
2. God is the one who plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived
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Unlike other snooty intellectuals, Craig actually interacts with laymen through his website ReasonableFaith.org. Craig answers questions concerning combating atheism, the nature of the faith, and dating advice. The following are some samples:
   
3. Eddie Van Halen plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived
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Dear Dr. Craig,
  +
{{q|My question concerns a thorny issue regarding my Christian faith and the raising of my children. I was watching Sesame Street with my kids, as I do every school morning, when at the end of the program they announced the “number of the day." At this point, a number “7” with eyes and a mouth appeared on the program and started interacting with the characters. My daughter, who had just started kindergarten, then asked "Daddy, do numbers actually exist?”.
   
4. Therefore, Eddie Van Halen is God.
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I replied with something to the effect of “Well…it’s a very complicated issue, honey. Many philosophers believe they do, and so do mathematicians. Why do you ask?”
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She replied by saying “Well, if numbers do exist, then I believe they exist necessarily. There is no possible world where the number seven would fail to exist, if it does indeed exist. However, doesn’t our Christian faith demand that we believe that God created all things seen and unseen? The necessary existence of numbers would refute the idea that God created all reality that exists outside Himself, no?".
   
After Eddie Van Halen started playing keyboard on the "1984" album, Craig recanted such arguments calling Eddie "a sellout, not God". Craig believes that Slash, from Guns n' Roses, may be the second coming of Christ, but he has not yet published any arguments making the case.
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I was floored! I felt a rising panic in my chest as I tried to come up with a response, but I could see no way out of it. Sesame Street had provided a decisive refutation of classical theism! (So I just told her she was grounded and then she started crying).
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So the question I have is this: Is my daughter right? Is the Platonism of Sesame Street irreconcilable with Christianity? And if so, should I prohibit my children from watching it? My daughter has already articulated her argument to her friends at CCD, and I am starting to get complaints from parents. HELP!|Peter van Inwagen from Cornfield, Indiana }}
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[[File:William-lane-craig.jpg‎ |thumb|left|Dr. Craig's weekly responses are so full of metaphysical jargon that few people realize he is giving non-answers.]]
   
==Reasonable Faith.com Question and Answers==
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'''Answer''': You should do as I have and ban all things related to [[Sesame Street]] from your household. The Platonic Propaganda promulgated by Sesame Street is more of a threat to Christianity than pornography, [[HowTo:Annoy Richard Dawkins|Richard Dawkins]], and the total lack of evidence for God combined! I would rather have my children watch the gay-agenda-promoting [[Teletubbies|Teletubbies]] than be indoctrinated with the broken numerical ontology of this deceptively innocuous children’s program.
   
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The existence of numbers is totally irreconcilable with the Christian faith for the reasons your daughter provided. To say that God co-exists with an infinite sea of metaphysically necessary entities would completely gut out the sovereignty and unique aseity of God that our Christian faith requires us to accept. I will point you to the extensive nominalist literature on the subject as I believe the nominalists have shown convincingly that abstract objects do not exist. [[Lie|(And not just because I’m emotionally invested in my Christian faith!)]].
   
Unlike other snooty intellectuals, Craig actually interacts with layman through his web site ReasonableFaith.com. Craig answers questions concerning combating atheism, the nature of the faith, and dating advice. The following are some samples:
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Grounding your daughter was the right move. As a father, you are committed to maintaining a Christian household. I’m afraid if your daughter keeps promoting these Satanic Sesame lies, you’re going to have to burn her at the stake. (But only because God loves her and yearns for her salvation).
   
 
Dear Billy Craig,
 
Dear Billy Craig,
   
{{q|Can God give himself a cock so big that even HE can’t suck it?|Dave Williams from Blue Balls, Arkansas}}
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{{q|What's up Bill! I really appreciate your work and your answers have always been effective in helping me keep my faith. I just wanted to ask you a question that's been bugging me since I was twelve: Can God give himself a dick so big that even HE can’t suck it? Thanks for the help!|Dave Williams from Blue Balls, Arkansas}}
   
'''Answer''': Daivd,God can do anything that is logically possible. The inability to give himself that which he cannot suck is illogical given his omnipotent nature. That being said, the only time God actually had a cock was when he took the form of [[Jesus Christ]]. Most biblical scholars agree that Jesus had the capacity to perform auto-fellatio and was well hung, though the only official number (9 ¾ inches!) comes form the gospel of Thomas which is non-cannon. Jesus, however, definitely never committed the act, because that would have been gay, an egregious sin as evident by the zero times Jesus talked about homosexuality.
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'''Answer''': David, God can do anything that is logically possible. The inability to give himself that which he cannot suck is illogical given his omnipotent nature. That being said, the only time God actually had [[Penis|male genitalia]] was when he took the form of Jesus Christ. Most biblical scholars agree that Jesus had the capacity to perform auto-fellatio and was well hung, though the only official number (9 ¾ inches!) comes from the Gospel of Thomas, which is non-canon. Jesus, however, definitely never committed the act, because that would have been gay - an egregious sin as evidenced by the zero times Jesus talked about [[homosexuality]].
[[File:Jesus2.jpg|thumb|left|William Craig has articulated some of the strongest responses to the Problem of Evil. All of them, however, are wrong. The real answer is that God just don’t give a fuck.
 
   
]]
 
 
Dear Dumb-Ass,
 
Dear Dumb-Ass,
   
{{q|HEY MAN! HOW CAN YOU SAY GOD EXISTS WITH ALL THE SHIT GOING ON IN THE WORLD: WAR, RAPE, DISEASE, JUSTIN BEIBER ALBUMS! MY OWN MOTHER RECENTLY DIED A PAINFUL DEATH VIA ELEPHANT STAMPEDE! I HAVE HUGE, UNSIGHTLY MAN-BOOBS THAT TURN AWAY EVERY GIRL THAT I LIKE!!!! DOES GOD JUST WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS?! IF HE DID EXIST, WHY DOESN’T HE AT LEAST TAKE AWAY MY MAN-BOOBS?!! LOVING GOD, MY ASS!!| Bobby Jackson from Ass-Creek, Michigan}}
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{{q|HOW CAN YOU SAY GOD EXISTS WITH ALL THE SHIT GOING ON IN THE WORLD!: WAR, RAPE, DISEASE, JUSTIN BIEBER ALBUMS! MY OWN MOTHER RECENTLY DIED A PAINFUL DEATH VIA ELEPHANT STAMPEDE! I HAVE HUGE, UNSIGHTLY MAN-BOOBS THAT TURN AWAY EVERY GIRL THAT I LIKE!!!! DOES GOD JUST WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS?! IF HE DID EXIST, WHY DOESN’T HE AT LEAST TAKE AWAY MY MAN-BOOBS?!! LOVING GOD, MY ASS!! YOU SIR, ARE A JOKE!! | Bobby Jackson from Ass-Creek, Michigan}}
 
'''Answer''': I think you’re question is confusing the emotional problem of evil with the intellectual problem of evil. Your personal problems aside, the problem of human evil can be answered with a [[free will]] defense. In order for free will to be meaningful , deviations from the good, such as the making of Beiber albums must be tolerated. On the other hand, natural evil, such as your freakish man-boobs, creates an environment where people will freely and willfully come to God, which is the purpose of human creation. So let your man-boobs be filled with joy! Come to the Lord, and you will see that evil pales in comparison to the chisel-chested Jesus Christ.
 
 
Dear Dr. Craig,
 
   
{{q|Hi, I’m Jennifer and I’m going through a really sucky time right now. I love Jesus but I also love my boyfriend Brandon who is an atheist. He is so handsome and smart and wonderful, but he makes fun of me for being a Christian because he says its stupid. I tried to bring him to Church but he just laughed at me saying he’d rather watch a Michael Bay movie, which are terrible! I don’t want to break up with him, mostly because I love him, but also because he knows my dirty secrets like my smell vag! HELP!|Jennifer Slutsky from Bakedtown, California}}
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'''Answer''': I think your question is confusing the emotional problem of evil with the intellectual problem of evil. The emotional problem of evil is usually run by women: "Oh boo hoo! My mommy is dead! My daughter is dying of leukemia! How can God let this happen?! Waaaaaaaaa!!". If you stop being a whiny little bitch you can see that there are sound intellectual answers to the problem of evil.
   
'''Answer''': Girl, the only man you need is Jesus. Jesus don’t care about your smelly twat, but he does care about guys taking you away from HIM. God may be perfect, but he is jealous, and you ought to care about preserving your relationship with the omnipotent creator, rather than some guy who'll probably cheat on you the next time he sees a busty blonde. Dump that bum and hop on the lap of Jesus Christ!!
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The problem of ''human'' evil can be answered with a a free will defense. In order for free will to be meaningful , deviations from the good, such as the making of Bieber albums, must be tolerated. On the other hand, the problem of ''natural'' evil, such as famine or your freakish man-boobs, has two sound answers. First is the response given by my boy Alvin Plantinga, which notes that it is indeed possible that natural evil is caused by fallen angels or demons that we can't see. Thus, God has allowed you to have embarrassingly [[BBW|floppy titties]] because to prevent them would mean to violate the [[free will]] of these invisible entities. (And before you say there is no reason to believe in such entities, let me just point you to the most reliable source I know: the [[Bible]]!) Second, and I believe more importantly, natural evil creates an environment where people will freely and willfully come to God, which is the purpose of human creation. After all, nothing brings people to God more effectively than miserable lives.
   
P.S. If you do go on to look for a new guy, I know plenty who are into smelly vaginas. The most famous one I know is Peter Singer. E-mail me if you want to know more. You'll be surprised!
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So let your man-boobs be filled with joy! Come to the Lord, and you will see that evil pales in comparison to the chisel-chested Jesus Christ.
   
==To be continued..the Battle with Richard "the Dick" Dawkins!==
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==Battle with Richard Dawkins==
   
Craig has debated many an atheist, however, the most famous of whom he has never debated one on one is [[Richard Dawkins]]. Craig has offered to debate Dawkins and literally dozens have called for him to due so, however, he has chickened out. Dawkins has replied to such calls by saying “ Craig is a total clown. I don’t debate clowns. I have been clownphobic since I was a small child. I would be too terrified to debate him. When Dawkins grows a pair, the debate will happen and the fate of the world will depend on it... in Craig's mind at least.
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Craig has debated many an atheist, however, the most famous with which he has never debated one on one is Richard "the Dick" Dawkins. Craig has offered to debate Dawkins and literally dozens have called for him to do so, however, he has chickened out. Dawkins has replied to such calls by saying “Craig is a total clown. I don’t debate clowns. I have been coulrophobic [sic] since I was a small child. I would be too terrified to debate him." When Dawkins grows a pair, the debate will happen, and the fate of the world will depend on it... in Craig's mind at least.
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{{FA|date=7 June 2013|revision=5693082}}
 
[[Category:Christianity]]
 
[[Category:Christianity]]
 
[[Category:Atheism]]
 
[[Category:Atheism]]

Latest revision as of 03:43, April 3, 2014

Pwncraig
William Lane Craig, seen here relishing that neither his opponent nor the audience understood any of his arguments. Victory will soon be his.
“If I had known there were that many good arguments for my existence, I would have put some in the Bible! Damn, my bad!”
~ God on the arguments of William Lane Craig
“I think this guy works too hard to prove God's existence. All the proof you need is the perfection of Scarlett Johansson's arse - proving once again the superiority of empiricism.”
~ David Hume on sarcasm
Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to William Lane Craig.

William Lane Craig is an analytic philosopher and a Christian apologist. A Christian apologist is someone who dedicates his intellectual life to making Christianity seem reasonable. Craig uses his superb debating skills to show that the most logical explanation for the creation of the universe is that it was created by an all-powerful mind, which created the universe for the purpose of having a loving relationship with creatures that are infinitely dumber than it and populate a minuscule percentage of the universe. Furthermore, the most plausible position holds that about 2000 years ago, the mind manifested itself into one of these creatures, who then taught about love and talked smack about tax collectors before getting executed by angry Romans. Being all-powerful, however, he rose from the dead, showboated a little, and then went back to his dad so he could chill until the day he’d comeback to judge everyone. Upon losing to Craig, most atheists still don’t believe in God, but no longer believe in the art of debate.

edit Biography and Conversion

Hitch
Usually a happy drunk, Hitchens was enraged when Craig suddenly appeared in his bathroom and started arguing how it was impossible for something to come from nothing.

Craig was not always a believer. During his childhood and up until his late teens, Craig was an atheist and a chronic pot smoker. According to his own testimony, Craig became a believer after he looked inside his own heart and saw only darkness and selfishness. In his despair, Craig started to piss on himself, but because he was in a deranged psychological state, he confused the warm feeling for the witnessing of the Holy Spirit. He became "born-again" and immediately stopped smo… well, actually he never did stop smoking. In fact, his debate with Christopher Hitchens marked the first official, non-dormitory room debate in which one participant was totally baked (Craig) and one was totally drunk (Hitchens). Craig likes to point out that smoking pot is not antithetical to being a Christian apologist, since it's much easier to believe when you’re high.

edit Craig’s Philosophical Arguments

Since most people aren’t constantly high, Craig has to come up with arguments to defend the faith from normal people sayin' it's stupid. The following are three outlines of Craig's arguments for the existence of God and their objections. Warning: The following may be offensive to those who value logic.

AAshaq
The Kazaam Cosmological Argument proves the universe has a cause. But is the cause God, or is it...Shaquille O'Neal?!!!

edit The Kazaam Cosmological Argument

  1. Everything with a beginning has a cause.
  2. The universe had a beginning.
  3. Therefore, the universe must have had a cause.
  4. Therefore, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light.

The problem with this argument is that the cause of the universe is more likely to be Shaquille O’Neal than Craig’s Christian God. This is true because of the metaphysical absurdities that arise with a substance dualist account of the mind. Also, Shaq is so awesome - how could he have NOT created the universe?

edit The Teleological or Design Argument

Aatsnami
Clearly, the world has been fine-tuned for life.
“Dude, like, look around. Everything is like, totally orderly. There’s like, constants and shit. There are physical laws that are, like, never broken except when Jesus decides to break them of course; but it's like the universe was created by some dude who was, like, really smart. There’s no way this could be random, dude. There’s just no fuckin' way.”
~ William Lane Craig as a pot-smoking undergrad

In this case, the Shaq objection can once again be used to undermine the argument; however, most philosophers don't believe that the universe was designed at all. The primary reason is the existence of the male nipple. Outside of some kinky uses, the male nipple seems to lack any purpose, though some long ones can be used as a poor man's hanger.

edit The Objective Moral Values Argument

  1. If God does not exist, then objective moral values do not exist.
  2. Objective moral values exist.
  3. Therefore, God exists.
  4. Therefore, stone gays.

The problem clearly avoids the Shaq objection, since his free-throw shooting is an affront to all that is decent. However, it runs into another problem: the problem of being wrong. John Leslie Mackie irrefutably disproved the existence of objective moral values with his “Argument from Queerness” in 1977: Moral statements, if they were true, would refer to objects that would have some sort of intrinsic normative property about them - a quality that renders them most certainly implausible. Thus, just as theology is a study without a subject, so too is ethics.

Mackie himself backtracked from this theory after he was kidnapped by Peter Singer, who then tied him up and repeatedly kicked him in the balls while yelling “What’s the matter, John? I’m not doing anything wrong, am I?" Mackie’s inability to withstand Singer’s righteous ball kicking, however, does nothing to refute his mathematical disproof of objective moral values. Try again, Dr. Craig!

edit Older Abandoned Arguments

Leee orth
During the 80's, the only difference between William Craig and David Lee Roth was that one got laid every night and the other sang for Van Halen.

During the early 80’s Craig stinted as a lead singer for a Van Halen cover band. During this time he published arguments establishing the divinity of Van Halen. The following is the Eddie Van Halen Ontological Argument:

  1. God is the one of which no greater can be conceived.
  2. God is the one who plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived.
  3. Eddie Van Halen plays the guitar in a manner of which no greater can be conceived.
  4. Therefore, Eddie Van Halen is God.

After Eddie Van Halen started playing keyboard on the "1984" album, Craig recanted such arguments calling Eddie "a sellout, not God." Craig believes that Slash, formerly from Guns n' Roses, may be the second coming of Christ, but he has not yet published any arguments making the case.

edit ReasonableFaith.org Questions and Answers

Unlike other snooty intellectuals, Craig actually interacts with laymen through his website ReasonableFaith.org. Craig answers questions concerning combating atheism, the nature of the faith, and dating advice. The following are some samples:

Dear Dr. Craig,

“My question concerns a thorny issue regarding my Christian faith and the raising of my children. I was watching Sesame Street with my kids, as I do every school morning, when at the end of the program they announced the “number of the day." At this point, a number “7” with eyes and a mouth appeared on the program and started interacting with the characters. My daughter, who had just started kindergarten, then asked "Daddy, do numbers actually exist?”.

I replied with something to the effect of “Well…it’s a very complicated issue, honey. Many philosophers believe they do, and so do mathematicians. Why do you ask?” She replied by saying “Well, if numbers do exist, then I believe they exist necessarily. There is no possible world where the number seven would fail to exist, if it does indeed exist. However, doesn’t our Christian faith demand that we believe that God created all things seen and unseen? The necessary existence of numbers would refute the idea that God created all reality that exists outside Himself, no?".

I was floored! I felt a rising panic in my chest as I tried to come up with a response, but I could see no way out of it. Sesame Street had provided a decisive refutation of classical theism! (So I just told her she was grounded and then she started crying).

So the question I have is this: Is my daughter right? Is the Platonism of Sesame Street irreconcilable with Christianity? And if so, should I prohibit my children from watching it? My daughter has already articulated her argument to her friends at CCD, and I am starting to get complaints from parents. HELP!”
~ Peter van Inwagen from Cornfield, Indiana
William-lane-craig
Dr. Craig's weekly responses are so full of metaphysical jargon that few people realize he is giving non-answers.

Answer: You should do as I have and ban all things related to Sesame Street from your household. The Platonic Propaganda promulgated by Sesame Street is more of a threat to Christianity than pornography, Richard Dawkins, and the total lack of evidence for God combined! I would rather have my children watch the gay-agenda-promoting Teletubbies than be indoctrinated with the broken numerical ontology of this deceptively innocuous children’s program.

The existence of numbers is totally irreconcilable with the Christian faith for the reasons your daughter provided. To say that God co-exists with an infinite sea of metaphysically necessary entities would completely gut out the sovereignty and unique aseity of God that our Christian faith requires us to accept. I will point you to the extensive nominalist literature on the subject as I believe the nominalists have shown convincingly that abstract objects do not exist. (And not just because I’m emotionally invested in my Christian faith!).

Grounding your daughter was the right move. As a father, you are committed to maintaining a Christian household. I’m afraid if your daughter keeps promoting these Satanic Sesame lies, you’re going to have to burn her at the stake. (But only because God loves her and yearns for her salvation).

Dear Billy Craig,

“What's up Bill! I really appreciate your work and your answers have always been effective in helping me keep my faith. I just wanted to ask you a question that's been bugging me since I was twelve: Can God give himself a dick so big that even HE can’t suck it? Thanks for the help!”
~ Dave Williams from Blue Balls, Arkansas

Answer: David, God can do anything that is logically possible. The inability to give himself that which he cannot suck is illogical given his omnipotent nature. That being said, the only time God actually had male genitalia was when he took the form of Jesus Christ. Most biblical scholars agree that Jesus had the capacity to perform auto-fellatio and was well hung, though the only official number (9 ¾ inches!) comes from the Gospel of Thomas, which is non-canon. Jesus, however, definitely never committed the act, because that would have been gay - an egregious sin as evidenced by the zero times Jesus talked about homosexuality.

Dear Dumb-Ass,

“HOW CAN YOU SAY GOD EXISTS WITH ALL THE SHIT GOING ON IN THE WORLD!: WAR, RAPE, DISEASE, JUSTIN BIEBER ALBUMS! MY OWN MOTHER RECENTLY DIED A PAINFUL DEATH VIA ELEPHANT STAMPEDE! I HAVE HUGE, UNSIGHTLY MAN-BOOBS THAT TURN AWAY EVERY GIRL THAT I LIKE!!!! DOES GOD JUST WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS?! IF HE DID EXIST, WHY DOESN’T HE AT LEAST TAKE AWAY MY MAN-BOOBS?!! LOVING GOD, MY ASS!! YOU SIR, ARE A JOKE!! ”
~ Bobby Jackson from Ass-Creek, Michigan

Answer: I think your question is confusing the emotional problem of evil with the intellectual problem of evil. The emotional problem of evil is usually run by women: "Oh boo hoo! My mommy is dead! My daughter is dying of leukemia! How can God let this happen?! Waaaaaaaaa!!". If you stop being a whiny little bitch you can see that there are sound intellectual answers to the problem of evil.

The problem of human evil can be answered with a a free will defense. In order for free will to be meaningful , deviations from the good, such as the making of Bieber albums, must be tolerated. On the other hand, the problem of natural evil, such as famine or your freakish man-boobs, has two sound answers. First is the response given by my boy Alvin Plantinga, which notes that it is indeed possible that natural evil is caused by fallen angels or demons that we can't see. Thus, God has allowed you to have embarrassingly floppy titties because to prevent them would mean to violate the free will of these invisible entities. (And before you say there is no reason to believe in such entities, let me just point you to the most reliable source I know: the Bible!) Second, and I believe more importantly, natural evil creates an environment where people will freely and willfully come to God, which is the purpose of human creation. After all, nothing brings people to God more effectively than miserable lives.

So let your man-boobs be filled with joy! Come to the Lord, and you will see that evil pales in comparison to the chisel-chested Jesus Christ.

edit Battle with Richard Dawkins

Craig has debated many an atheist, however, the most famous with which he has never debated one on one is Richard "the Dick" Dawkins. Craig has offered to debate Dawkins and literally dozens have called for him to do so, however, he has chickened out. Dawkins has replied to such calls by saying “Craig is a total clown. I don’t debate clowns. I have been coulrophobic [sic] since I was a small child. I would be too terrified to debate him." When Dawkins grows a pair, the debate will happen, and the fate of the world will depend on it... in Craig's mind at least.

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