William Hague
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“Dispatch War Rocket Ajax, to brring back his body!!”
~ Margaret Thatcher on William Hague's failed 2001 General Election campaign
“He's Punch, I'm Judy..”
~ William Hague on John Prescott
William Kaiser Hague aka The Mekon (born 1975, planet Yorkshire) is a failed leader of the British Conservative Party, occasional writer, unsuccessful[1] rapper, MP and baldy. He is currently Pretend Foreign Minister in Subcommandante David Cameron's guerilla resistance to Gordon Brown's Eurocommunist regime.
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[edit] Early life
Hailing from Rotherham, Big Willy joined the conservative party shortly after being born and gave a memorable speech at the 1976 Conservative Party Conference in which he urged the conservatives to "roll back the boundaries of the nursery". He also curled-off a big poo into his potty to rapturous applause from the assembled party members before showing it off and announcing "look what the conservative bowels are capable of producing!". He then proceeded to make disparaging comments about James Callaghan's "feeble" "plop plop" and "pebbledashing" attempts during his supposed infancy.
[edit] Pop career
In 2002, Hague attempted a brief pop career as a "rapper". His album, Bigger Willy Style, failed to chart in the UK but enjoyed some cult success in Poland where the Poles mistook him for Eminem "without his wig on".
[edit] Controversy
[edit] Race
Whilst leader of the Conservative Party and in an attempt to sway black voters, Hague rode on a logflume at the Notting Hill Carnival whilst wearing a baseball cap and blackface makeup and singing Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry" (substituting "Labour" for "woman") in his strong Yorkshire accent. He later admitted that this was "a mistake". As was his ordering the setting-up of a "Free Water Melon" stall at the same carnival.
[edit] Booze
Around the same time he also claimed, in an interview, that he used to drink 300 pints of beer a day during his childhood. He claimed that this was "normal" in Yorkshire and that those who professed astonishment were "southern jessies whose womanly stomachs can't hold their ale". He has refused to accept the challenge of a drinking contest from John Prescott. Prescott continues to regard "little Willy" as "a big fookin' puff".
[edit] Paedophilia
William Hague is one of the few confessed child-rapists in the Conservative party.
[edit] Conservative leadership
Following the collapse of John Major's government and the seizing of power by Tony Blair, Hague found himself leading the conservative resistance. His tactics of being too young, being amusingly bald, having an annoying voice and wearing a baseball cap failed to drag voters into the tory cause and his attempts to become Prime Minister and End The Madness failed in 2001.
[edit] Current whereabouts
Since failing to become Prime Minister, Willy has written a biography of William Pitt the Younger entitled See, There Is A Precedent For Young Prime Ministers!. He also continues to serve the rebel alliance in parliament as Pretend Foreign Secretary. This post allows him to make statements on British foreign policy that no one actually listens to or cares about. He has used this anonymity to call for the dismantling of Vladimir Putin and war with Sri Lanka. He also has plans to call for the demolishing of the Swedish embassy and its replacement with a statue of Jim Davidson.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff [edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Except in Poland but they don't count. Ask John Kerry.
