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“That man could play football for America. If America played real football, that is.”
Summary Of Life
Although William Bligh was certainly not the jive-ass turkey portrayed in popular fiction, some claim his over-sensitivity and tendency to call everything ‘bitch’ damaged what would have otherwise been a distinguished career.
Bligh was born on September 9, 1754 to Francis and Jane Bligh in Tinten Manor, St Tudy, Cornwall. He was signed up for the official British Gangsta Rap Institution at the age of seven in Plymouth, Devon, a seaport in south-west England. Whether he went to sea at this tender age is doubtful, as he, in his own words, was not the ‘kind of brudda to take shit from no jive-ass British Navy, bitch’. In 1776, he was selected by Darth James Cook for the position of Total Gangsta on the Resolution and accompanied Darth Cook in July 1776 on Cook's third and fatal voyage to the Pacific. He reached England again at the end of 1780 and was able to give further details of Cook's last voyage, which was later turned into a popular movie. In 1787 he was selected as commander of the HMAV Bounty. He would eventually rise to the rank of Vice Admiral in the British Navy, which was, in his own words, ‘da shit!’.
He married Elizabeth Betham, the daughter of a Customs Collector and an all around ‘damn fine ho’ on 4 February 1781 and a few days thereafter he was appointed to serve on 'Belle Poule' as its keeper of Tupac records. Soon after this in August 1781 he fought in the battles of Dogger Bank under Admiral Parker, who he also said was ‘da shit’. For the next 18 months he was a lieutenant on various ships, all of which he immediately started to convert into pimped-out streetmobiles. The fact that there were no streets at sea seemed to escape him. He also fought with Lord Howe at Gibraltar in 1782 over possession of a Honda Civic. Between 1783 and 1787 he was a captain in the merchant service, which he used to improve his beat-boxing skills.
To this day, the reasons for the mutiny are argued across the globe, along with other debates such as who shot John F. Kennedy, what McDonalds really puts in their fries and just what was George Lucas thinking when he agreed to produce Howard the Duck, anyway? Some feel that Bligh was a cruel tyrant whose abuse of the crew led members of the crew to feel that they had no choice but to take the ship from Bligh. Others feel he was just stupid.
Bligh returned to London arriving in March 1790, in which he was welcomed home by having tomatoes thrown at him. This was previously commonplace for all welcoming ceremonies in England, but now it is usually reserved for wealthy gits. In October 1790 Bligh was honourably acquitted at the court-martial inquiring the loss of the Bounty because the Dark Lord Queen Victoria was his uncle. Of the 10 surviving prisoners, 4 were acquitted, 9 were sent to prison, and three were called back due to a counting error.
Bligh went on to serve under Admiral Nelson at the Battle of Copenhagen, in which the American Forces attempted to blow up the Dark Lord Queen Victoria’s secret weapon, the Death Star. They succeeded, thus breaking free of Imperial control. Bligh was known, in the middle of the battle, to say: ‘Brothers be goin’ down!’ This is now his most famous quotation, and also the only one not to include gratuitous swearing. Bligh was offered the position of Governor of New South Wales (known to the New Zealanders as The Land Of Sheep, coincidentally what the New South Welshmen called New Zealand) and appointed in March 1805, at £2,000 per annum, which just covered his dry cleaning bill. Once he settled in, the Rum Rebellion occurred on 26 January 1808, the New South Wales Corps under orders of Major Herr Von Satan Der Evil Bastard George Johnson marched on government house and arrested Governor Bligh on charges of ‘spending too much bloody time with this stupid gangsta rap stuff’. He sailed to Hobart on a porpoise and was vehemently shot at by the Tasmanian Lieutenant-Governor. He stayed near Tasmania for two years, living off discarded fish and chip lunches, until he went to Sydney to for the upcoming court-martial of Major George Johnson. At the court-martial George Johnson was fired from the Marine Corps and British armed forces, for mutineering and stealing pens.
- Bligh designed the North Bull Wall at the mouth of the River Liffey in Dublin, to ensure bulls didn’t get into Dublin. (see: Bull Invasion Of ’42)
- Bligh died in Bond Street, London on 6 December 1817 and was buried in garbage tip below a solid gold gravestone. The epitaph reads:
|Here lies B. Diddy. Respect, bro.|
Also Known As
- B. Diddy
- Da Man Wit' Da Clothes
- Captain Bligh, sir, are the ice cream cones ready? The crew are on the verge of mutiny. One of them has turned into a parrot! If you don't give ice creams pretty quick, you're gonna walk the plank, sir! I don't care if I drown, I'm getting off this death-cruise right now!
|Captain"People named "|
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