Wilford Brimley
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“Eat your God Damn Oatmeal!”
~ Wilford Brimley on himself
“I HAVE DIABEETUS!”
~ Wilford Brimley on himself
Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley (987-?) is a well-known Quaker Oats entrepreneur, owner of Liberty Medical, actor, Last Boss of the Internet, mustache aficionado, walrus, and Ayn Rand's inspiration for John Galt. His work has inspired millions over time, and he is widely considered to be the greatest (and oldest) man to ever walk the earth. He also suffers from the Diabeetus.
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[edit] Wilford's Early Days
Wilford was born in Indiana, a poor farmer's son. His father, Jebediah Brimley, established a strong work ethic in Wilford at an early age by following him around with a whip and brutally beating him to a bloody mess every time he sat down. Because of this strict disciplinary method, young Wilford learned to walk within 3 minutes after exiting his mother's womb. Wilford worked around his father's farm tirelessly until 1815, when Jebediah Brimley passed away tragically from a heart attack brought on from continuously whipping Wilford. After crying for some time, Wilford kicked his mother in the uterus and ran away from home with nothing but a 10-pound bag of oats, a horse named Donovan, and a head full of dreams.
Soon after his escape, Wilford had an encounter with an infected 'Beetus Bird, a carrier of what is now known to be an advanced form of Diabetes, which was a pigeon standing around 12 inches and weighing around 365 pounds due to its swollen testicles. The 'Beetus Bird transferred the disease known as The 'Beetus directly into Wilford's face. (This also is noted as one of the first 'Beetus Bird encounters recorded in the United States as the disease originated in the Northern England countryside.) Wilford is one of the few original survivors of The 'Beetus. Directly after his encounter, the disease started to spread like wildfire, mostly in part to a diseased doctor who helped to treat Brimley and first 'Beetus victim, Oscar Wilde of Northern England. With his eyes opened to the threat that the disease presented, Wilford's only choice was to start Liberty Medical, an organization which helps people with The 'Beetus and it's more common form, Diabetes. Ever since he's been a member of Liberty, he checks his blood sugar and he checks it often. He wants you to know that Liberty is the shit when it comes to testing supplies and it can help ya live a better life.
[edit] Wilford Joins the Quakers
After wandering around aimlessly for some time around the harsh, forbidding deserts of Philadelphia, subsisting on oats and eventually the entrails of Donovan, Wilford passed out face down in the desert sand, his energy depleted from dealing with The 'Beetus. He was discovered by a band of Quakers led by William Penn and Ronald Reagan. When he came to, he told them all about what had just happened, and how oats had saved him. The Quakers marveled at his oaty tale of woe and want. Together, they decided that oats needed to be brought to the masses in a friendly format everyone would go for. Thus, Quaker Oats were born.
[edit] Wilford's Acting career
After Quaker Oats found wild success within millions of homes, and many children found the frightening image of Wilford embedded in their nightmares for many years to come, Wilford decided he would ride this popularity, this wave of oats, if you will, all the way to the box office with his first feature-length film, "Cocoon." It was horrible, and it caused angry mobs to force Wilford into a life of secrecy and hermitage. He would return to his acting career to film the Alfred Hitchcock masterpiece, the made for TV movie "The Battle For Endor: The Ewok Adventure." However, this was not well received by fans of Hitchcock's previous films, "Norbit", and "American Pie: Band Camp," and thus Wilford would resume a life of isolation, popping up only once since into the public eye, in the adult home video (elderly fetish) series "Video Professor", as guest Professor Dick Stiffwood. He eventually found something remotely like acting success for many years when he began to host his own game show, entitled Guess What's In Wilford Brimley's Pockets! Following the smash success of the game show, Wilford turned his attention to his daily battles with the diabeetus, and then hosted the forgettable "Diabeetus Testing Supply Hour", which was paid for by Liberty Medical. It only lasted one episode, after using his Oatmeal cure for the 'Beetus, he murdered his guest star, Jay Cutler, also one who suffers from the dreaded diabeetus. Actually, Cutler mocked Wilford's pronunciation of the disease, so Wilford savagely beat him, thus making Denver Bronco fans happy the world over. However, Wilford is above the law, so this didn't impact him in anyway.
[edit] Wilford's Mustache
Wilford is known to be very proud of his mustache. He spent many years in front of a mirror stroking his mustache and telling it how they would never leave each other. Wilford's mustache is as tough as a steel brush, and as such he does not clean dishes, when he gobbles food from plates his mustache scrapes up the mess. For only $1 a day, metal polish was delivered straight to his door and he rubbed his mustache with it each day to give it its sharp and grizzly look. The only woman that got close to Wilford is still in the hospital. He tried to drink a soda once but it exploded into his face after being punctured by his mustache.
Unfortunately for Wilford, this unseemly growth on nasal regions of his face led to his #1 problem: diabetes (or "diabeetus," as it would be known to him), years after recovering from The 'Beetus, the advanced form of the disease. His mustache was in fact the cause of this killer. When poor Wilford would bend down to his trough every night to inhale the amount of food necessary to sustain his ample girth, chunks of food, along with a few of his many pet cats, would become trapped in this formidable assemblage of (apparently) human hair. These objects would later make tasty morsels for Wilford, and eventually this odd diet contributed to his infection with a mutated disease: Type 83 Diabetes. However, his earlier bout with The 'Beetus helped his body withstand the rigors of the disease, which explains why he is still alive to fight diabetes in all of its forms today.
Brimley also began experimenting with a radical diabetic maintenance program, which forsakes insulin in favor of what he calls "oat therapy." While oat therapy is surprisingly effective, it renders Brimley violently homicidal for 3 minutes a day, and might be partly respsonsible for Brimley's 1980 murder of Belgian writer Alan Alda. It can treat all forms of Diabetes, including The 'Beetus
[edit] Musical Career
Wilford Brimley is pioneer of the Old Wave Music phenomenon of the 1970's. Notably his album "the Right thing to do" was at the top of the rock and pop charts for 23 straight weeks. until it was revealed that he was not regular at the time he wrote it. Even though many of his fans deserted him Brimley continued to play music until 1991, when he died on stage in Vancouver, B.C. Brimley played bass on Van Halen's 1988 world tour while Michael Anthony recovered from a devastating groin injury. His custom-made Fender bass guitar was shaped and decorated in the fashion of a Quaker Oats package.
He also recorded two hit rap singles: "The Beetis" and "Beetix Extravaganza - Remix Vol. 2", both of which were made into extremely popular music videos.
[edit] Wilford Today
Though his exact whereabouts are unknown, many have speculated about the location of the mysterious Brimley. Some say he's dead, and promoting diabeetus so others can die and be just like him while some say he is nefariously controlling the World Wide Web from an nondescript warehouse in Geneva. Others say that if you walk through Philadelphia on a cold Tuesday night, you just might hear his trademark howl: "Ooooaaaatssss! Ooooaaaaaatsss!" Still others believe he has answered a higher calling, and is now Wilford "God" Brimley. However, it is general consensus that where ever he is, he is checking his blood sugar and checking it OFTEN.
[edit] Breaking News
It was recently discovered that, while Brimley was visiting an American Antarctic research station in 1973, he gained the ability to perfectly imitate any animal or human he came into contact with. The crew of the station quickly began to distrust each other as they Couldn't tell who was Brimley and who was not. One by one they were killed, either by Brimley or by each other.
Wilford Brimley had complete control of his protoplasm, and was capable of quickly assuming the form of any creature he had ever devoured or absorbed within the limits of his mass. In addition, he may have been able to quickly recover from grave injuries and adapt his physiology to survive in a wide variety of atmospheric conditions.
In addition to those physical attributes, Wilford Brimley was also telepathic. He could read minds and also broadcast thoughts which manifested as nightmares to humans. He had shown an ability to hypnotically lull his prey into a helpless state so as to easily absorb it. However, this hypnotic ability apparently could not have been used on more than one person or animal at a time.
Truckin' In Kentucky with Travuus Owens Wilferd Brimlee style! He is likely known to his CHANGELING peers as "Manimal" and roughly counters anyone who challenges his status and mustachioed canibalism. He was once seen riding in the side seat of a 18 wheel truck owned by a Kentucky trucker that goes by the name of "Travis Owens". This trucker has been well documented to regularly lighting candles within the big rig in commemoration and memoriam of his dearly departed Leslie. His rotund stature was only matched by Brimley's and they were a formidable match! If you ever see this ghastly sight please take shelter and wait for the grease to stop flyin from the flamin follicle mass.
Officials secretly warned citizens to be prepared for a Devastating Brimley Outbreak if they proved ineffective at not being able to contain him to the Antarctic Continent through additives in oatmeal. It is unknown if he still there, but latest sightings from the region indicated that Brimley now has three red eyes, blue skin, a fanged mouth, four tentacle-like arms, and seven-tentacled hands. He may or may not be four feet tall, and covered in worm-like follicles in place of hair. It has been suggested that all reports be taken with a grain of salt, as what exactly has happened to Brimley still remains an unsolved mystery.
